Train Me

by Mia Ford

  We were on the balcony of my penthouse (one of her favorite spots) and the New York skyline was stretched out before us, glittering with promise. She sipped at a glass of home brewed sweet tea and sighed as the warm, spring breeze rustled the trees below.

  “This is perfect. Like…Am I dead? Is this heaven?”

  I chuckled and glanced over at her, finishing my glass and setting it aside. “Last I checked, we were on the upper east side, but I think that’s about as close to heaven as most people get.”

  “You can say that again.”

  Lena put her head on my shoulder and glanced up at me. “I’m glad I met you, you know. You were a pain in my ass at first, but I’m glad I met you.”

  I put my hand on the back of her head and leaned down to kiss her hair, taking in the subtle scent of cherry blossoms. She always smelled like cherry blossoms. “Me too, Lena. Me too.” Hell, I was pretty sure I loved her, but I could tell her that, not yet. It was still too soon.

  She opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted when her cell phone when off. She groaned and rolled her eyes a little, picking up and turning it over to read whatever was on the screen. She became flustered and turned it back over, setting it face down on the table.

  “Who was that?”

  “No one.”

  “You can’t tell me that,” I grunted. “Your phone goes off like once a day, you get made and then you tell me it’s no one. I’m not trying to be an asshole, but I just don’t accept that it’s ‘no one’. You wouldn’t get so upset.”

  Her lips pressed into a tight line. “Why are you pushing this?”

  “Because I’m worried about you.”

  “Well, there’s no reason to worry. It’s just some shit that I have to deal with.”

  “But why deal with it alone if you don’t have to?”

  “I just…This is my business alright?” She was getting flustered but I didn’t feel like it was the right choice to stop.

  “I know it’s your business, but…I want to help.”

  “There’s nothing to help.”

  “Stop pushing me away.” I sat up and looked at her seriously, frowning deeply. “You made me come clean about my shit. I think it’s only fair that you do the same.”

  She seemed annoyed that I’d called her out, but I wasn’t really worried about that. There was clearly something going on and I was going to get to the bottom of it. I wasn’t about to start my first real relationship in almost a decade with secrets.

  “It’s my dad,” she murmured.

  The answer surprised me. I had half been expecting an ex-lover. “Your dad?”

  “Yeah. He wants me to come home. Mom is sick,” she muttered, clearly trying to tell me as little as possible.

  Up until this point she had always been very open with me. She didn’t really seem to have any secrets, but now I could tell that there was something just under the surface that she’d been hiding. “You don’t want to go back home?”

  Her eyes narrowed as she stared out into the blackness of the night sky and sighed softly, dropping her head and shaking it back and forth. “No. Not for anything.”

  “Bad relationship with your parents?”

  “Like you wouldn’t believe.”

  I sighed and leaned back a little, sipping on my tea. “You should go home.”

  “What?”

  “Even if you have a bad relationship with your parents, you should still go home. If something happens to your mom and you aren’t there…You’re going to regret it.”

  “Don’t act like you know about my family life.” She was getting defensive now.

  “I don’t know about your family life, but I know what it’s like to lose a parent and never patch things up. It fucking sucks.”

  She relaxed a little and glanced over at me. “What do you mean?”

  “I lost my dad when I was in my early 20’s. Me and him never got along. He wanted me to take over the family business back home in Georgia and I didn’t want any of it. We had this big falling out and that’s why I came to New York.” I finished off my tea and set it aside. “I didn’t talk to him for years. It wasn’t even that long, actually, but five years was enough. He got cancer and told mom not to tell me because I was making my way in New York. Even after all that shit, he wanted me to be successful and didn’t want to be a burden on me.” I shook my head slowly. “There’s nothing in this world I regret more than not patching things up with him, but if you would have asked me back then, I wouldn’t have ever gone back. It took him dying to make me realize all those fights were just…blips in our relationship. At the end of the day, he was still my dad and I still loved him.”

  “This isn’t the same,” she whispered, looking away, her eyes fixed on the darkness in front of us.

  “I’m sure it isn’t. Every situation is different, but what I’m saying is that you won’t ever forgive yourself. It doesn’t make whatever happened okay and in all honesty, you don’t even have to forgive what happened, but you do need closure. This isn’t for anyone but yourself. If you don’t settle this with yourself and with whoever you’re having issues with, you’ll never move on.”

  She was silent for a long time, looking into her glass, her lips pressed into a tight line. I could tell she was thinking over what I’d just said and I didn’t want to push it. She had to come to this conclusion on her own and I knew that. I watched her carefully and when she finally sighed, she looked over at me, and intense sadness filling her beautiful eyes.

  “I don’t know if I’m ready to go back there. I don’t know if I’m ready to face her. I don’t know if I’m ready to face everything,” she whispered, her voice tight and pained.

  I paused before reaching over and putting my hand on her knee. I gave it a gentle squeeze and she looked up at me again. I couldn’t stand the pain on her face. I ran my hand through her head and leaned in, kissing her forehead.

  “I know it’s scary. I’ve been in this position, but you don’t have to do it alone, Lena. You don’t have to do anything alone. Not anymore. I’m here for you.”

  I felt a warm wetness on my hand and it took me a moment to realize she was crying. Lena was so damn strong and so brave that I never thought I’d see her crack. Crying didn’t mean she was weak, but she seemed too proud a person to let people see her cry. I hadn’t wanted to make her cry, but I knew this situation all too well and there were things I wished someone had told me. I was going to tell her all of them. I didn’t want her to live with the pain that I had lived with all these years.

  She wiped at her eyes angrily and I just held her close, running my thumb over her cheeks, where the hot tears landed. She sniffled, her bottom lip trembling and her cheeks raw. She started to pull away but finally collapsed in my arms, all of her weight pressed against me. I held her up easily, stroking her hair and kissing the soft, black curls.

  “Why are you doing this?” she whispered, her face buried in my chest.

  My hand was resting on the back of her head, fingers tangled in her hair. The answer that came out was the truth, but it wasn’t the answer I’d been expecting.

  “I’m doing it because I love you.”

  She pulled away and just stared at me and I stared back at her. We were both equally shocked by the utterance and I already had a hand extended, ready to grab her wrist as she tried to bolt out of the apartment. I didn’t want her to leave. Not like this. Fuck. I needed to fix this and fast. I could see every muscle in her body poised and ready spring into action.

  “Lena. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean— “

  "What did you say?" Her words came out in a trembling voice.

  Shit. She wasn't going to want anything to do with me now. She was standing there, staring at me wide eyed with a blank expression on her face, her fingers twitching at her side.

  "Don't run, okay?" It was the first thing I could think to say. "I care about you." I was trying to back pedal, even if I knew there was no getting out of this.

  "That’s not
what you said."

  I pressed my lips together and groaned, silently angry at my apparent inability to keep my mouth under control. "I said 'I love you', okay?" Why was she forcing this out of me? Couldn’t she tell I was embarrassed enough? Did she really need to rub it in?

  Her face softened and she stepped forward, touching my hand. "Do you mean it?"

  The question surprised me. My eyebrows shot up and I wrapped my hand around hers, my heart fluttering in my chest. I never wanted to let her go. "Of course I mean it. Why would I lie?"

  She paused and shrugged. "It doesn’t make sense, but a lot of people lie, especially about love."

  I paused and kissed the Back of her hand. "Well, I'm not lying. I was just afraid to tell you."

  She pressed herself against my chest. Her warmth radiated through me and I felt the distinct sensation of being home.

  "No one else had ever told me they loved me."

  I kissed the top of her head and offered a gentle smile. "Glad I could be your first,” I said, trying to keep the mood light.

  “This isn’t a joke,” she murmured, her face still buried in my chest.

  I cleared my throat and nodded. “Right…Right. Sorry.”

  Finally, after a long moment of stressful silence, she looked up at me and sighed. “I love you too.”

  I could barely believe what I heard. I hadn’t expected her to return the sentiment. “What?”

  “I love you too. Are you deaf?”

  A stupid grin spread across my face and I scratched the back of my neck. “I just wasn’t expecting to hear it back.”

  I sat on the loveseat that I’d bought after Lena started coming over more. It was the perfect size for the balcony. We eased into the soft cushions and I pulled her close as she tucked her legs underneath her body.

  “Well, I do. I love you. I can’t really explain how or why, but you got under my skin and I can’t seem to get you out.”

  “Is that a bad thing?”

  She shook her head slowly and her fingers tangled in mine. “As long as I know you love me…I think I can do it.”

  “Do what?”

  She looked at me with a fierce determination. “Go home.”

  I wasn’t going to argue. I wanted her to face these demons. I kissed her tenderly and said the only thing that made sense. “I’ll call my pilot and let him know we’re leaving in the morning.”

  I didn’t know where we were going. All I knew was that I’d follow her to the ends of the earth.

  Bellefontaine. We came over a small hill and I could see the quaint wooden sign that welcomed you to my home town. Just under the sign was a little counter that read ‘pop. 789’. It had grown since I’d last been here.

  “This place is beautiful,” Jami mused, his eyes wondering the windshield of our rental car.

  “It’s pretty to look at, but the charm wears off once you’ve been here a while.”

  “Really?” he asked.

  “Yeah. Especially when all the old women start walking up and asking you why you aren’t married and asking if you’re sterile since you don’t have kids.”

  “Ouch.”

  “Small towns are great, until you have to actually live in one,” I sighed, turning to look out the window.

  A cool breeze blew through the branches of the blooming trees. Green leaves formed around bright yellow and pink flowers. I’d missed the colors of spring, but not enough to come back. I wanted to handle my business and go back to New York as soon as possible.

  We turned onto the dirt that my parent’s house was on and the second the soft earth crunched under the tires, I felt every muscle in my body tense up. I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t want this. Just as I was about to beg Jami to turn around, I felt a strong hand on my knee. I looked at him, my eyes wide as he squeezed my knee.

  “It’s going to be okay. We’re going to get through this as quickly as possible.”

  I nodded, even though I didn’t quite believe him. Things were never easy when it came to my mother and I couldn’t help but thing that her being on her deathbed wouldn’t change much. I leaned my forehead against the window, trying to control my breathing.

  Soon the family farm came into view and I was gripping Jami’s hand. A tall, southern plantation home came into view. The walls were painted a bright sunny yellow, and the shutters were stark white. A swing hung from a tall willow just in the front yard.

  A heavy-set woman with a full head of white hair and strong arms swept the porch and my heart stuttered. It had been years, but I knew the woman sweeping was my mother. She wiped her hands on her apron, frowning as the car pulled into the driveway. My mind was spinning, trying to comprehend what was going on. If my mother was so sick…Why was she sweeping the massive, wrap around porch.

  The car came to a stop and Jami offered me a questioning look, but I didn’t have an answer. I kicked the door open and walked up the stone pathway, staring at my mother.

  “Mom?”

  Her cloudy eyes widened and the broom slipped from her fingers, clattering against the wood floor. “Lena?”

  For a long moment, I didn’t move. I held still as if not moving would keep her from seeing me. My chest felt tight and the lump in my throat wasn’t going anywhere any time soon. A terrified noise tried to work its way past my lips, but I swallowed it down, looking down and away. I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t been expecting this.

  “Lena? Is that you?” she whispered, picking up the hem of her modest skirt and walking down the moss covered stone pathway.

  As she got closer, I took a small step away, but before I could get far, I hit the solid mass of Jami’s chest, suddenly finding myself pinned between my mother and the man I considered to be my boyfriend. It wasn’t really a place I ever wanted to find myself.

  Jami’s hand wrapped around my wrist and gave it a gentle squeeze, trying to silently comfort me. My mother closed in and I felt my heart jump into my throat, closing my eyes and waiting for her hand to come down on my cheek. I was sure she’d be angry that I showed up out of the blue with a man I wasn’t married too.

  Instead, her soft, warm arms wrapped around me and pulled me close, stroking my hair, a laugh bubbling up from her belly. “You’re here.”

  “I…You’re happy to see me?”

  She pulled away and pressed her hands to my cheeks, just looking me up and down for a long moment. “You’ve grown so much! Of-course I’m happy to see you. You’re my baby girl.”

  Tears came to my eyes and I all but fell into her arms, leaning into her soft body. There was so much warmth and welcome in her embrace. “D-Daddy said you were sick.”

  The floor of the porch creaked under someone’s foot and when I looked up, I saw my father standing at the top of the porch stairs, his hair grey and combed out of his face, a scruffy grey beard replacing the smooth shaved face I had in my mind’s eye.

  He offered a nervous smile and shrugged a little. “Sorry, pudding.”

  “What?”

  He made his way down the stairs and came to stand beside me and my mother. He leaned heavily on a cane, but opened his free arm to me and I pressed myself against both my parents. They still smelled like fresh cut grass and a breeze before a rain storm. I’d missed this more than I’d realized or would have been willing to admit to anyone.

  My father’s hand rested on the back of my head and I was suddenly taken back to the days I would spend in his lap while he read to me. “I’m sorry I lied, Lena, darling. I just knew it wasn’t going to be easy to get you back home. I was just so tired of our family being so fractured and so was your mother.”

  I pulled back, my eyes wet and glassy with tears. “Why didn’t you say anything?” I pleaded, staring at my mother.

  She cupped my cheek, her hands rough from the years she’d spent working our small farm. “I didn’t want to mess up your life. Your daddy would tell me about all the wonderful places you were going and the places you’d been. I didn’t want to tie you down. You were always
such a free spirit and I kept you from that for so long…I didn’t want to keep you from what you loved.”

  “You could have asked me to come home! I would have come home!”

  Her smile was sad and she nodded slowly. “I know you would have. That’s why I didn’t say anything. I tried to crush that adventurous spirit of yours because I never wanted you to leave me and it took you leaving to show me that I was wrong.”

  “Mama…”

  “I’m sorry, Lena. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for all the fighting and I’m sorry I…”

  I knew she was trying to apologize for the night she’d hit me, but she didn’t need to say anything. I’d already anything. I’d already forgiven her. I threw my arms around her and held her tight. “You don’t have to apologize, mama. I’m…I’m ready to put it behind us.”

  We parted and she wiped tears from her eyes, laughing softly. Once she’d dabbed the tears from her eyes, she glanced towards Jami and cleared her throat. “Well, aren’t you going to introduce us to your friend?”

  I cleared my throat and took a step back, motioning towards Jami. That wasn’t good enough for him. He wrapped a strong arm around me and pulled me close, grinning. “The name is Jamison!”

  “Jamison. A good strong name!” Papa said, reaching out to shake his hand.

  I looked on as my boyfriend greeted each of my parents with a smile and my heart fluttered in my chest. Was this what contentedness felt like? I’d spent so much of my life being angry and bitter that I’d forgotten what it truly felt like to be happy. All that time I thought I was traveling the world and all I was doing was running away from things I didn’t want to face.

  It had taken a playboy millionaire to make me happy and repair what I thought was an unfixable situation. I couldn’t have ever imagined myself being here, laughing with my parents and the man I loved. Nothing in the world could have convinced me that this was how this story would end, but I didn’t care.