by Leatha Marie
The following morning was busy. We were all working to check off our duties on the list prepared by Dianne. It was one long list that required us to document our progress every couple of hours.
I was sitting in my childhood room in the green upholstered chair. Momma had the frame made for my fifteenth birthday. She covered the frame in wool from our sheep and upholstered it in a fabric as dark as a Christmas tree. “A woman needs a proper chair for reading and planning,” she had said.
I created a full page of questions I thought we should ask Jane Hines. It was quite a coincidence that I met Jane in Washington, never knowing I would need her expertise with my family. I would talk more about Jane and her work during our car ride to Raleigh. I assumed Jane had met Caroline by this time and would know what therapies might be working. We would meet with Jane at Dorothea Dix first, and then see the doctors before we visited Caroline.
I went to the kitchen where Ethel was preparing lunch for us. Dianne was sitting at the wooden kitchen table Daddy made for Momma when they got married. All the years of moving plates, bowls, and cooking utensils around on that table and sitting together having conversations had made the wood as smooth as silk. Dianne was scrutinizing piles of papers, notes, and envelopes of legal documents.
I walked over to where Marie was playing with cups, a few pots, and spoons. I smiled at her, and she yelled “Annie!” I felt a tug at my heart. To avoid the tears that might come, I sang back to her “Marie, Marie, the wonderful Marie! The best child in this fam-i-ly!” I leaned down to her with my arms out to ask permission to pick her up. Marie raised both arms saying, “Annie, Annie.”
I kissed Marie’s neck, saying in a sing/song voice, “I am gonna get your sugar. Can I have your sugar?” Marie began a belly laugh which made Ethel and Dianne turn and watch. The laughter of a child is the best sound in the world.
I rocked back and forth holding this precious little Nash girl, the next generation, as I was watching my sisters. Marie and I went over to the table where Dianne was working. I pointed to Dianne, and asked Marie, “Do you know who this is?” Marie leaned forward with her arms out asking to go to Dianne and said “That’s Aunt-ee Diann-ee.” I cackled!
Dianne tried to act as if she was mad and said, “No, siree, little lady. I am not holding you until you call me Dianne not Auntie Dianne. I am too young to be anybody’s auntie.” But Marie persisted with the urging of her little arms, and Dianne pulled her close whispering in Marie’s ear “Dianne, good Dianne, lovely Dianne.”
While I helped Ethel make sandwiches, I reminded them that we needed to get ready to leave because we had a lot to do at Dix Hospital before we would see Caroline.
Ethel said, “I agree. We’ll take these turkey sandwiches, apples, and sweet tea with us. We can have a picnic in that fabulous car! Can you eat and drive, Annie?” I told her there’s lots of things I could do while driving. Dianne’s quick retort was, “I don’t want to know!”
I was proud of my new car, so I made sure Ethel and Dianne got the full tour. Ethel was not impressed. Her words were, “I don’t know why somebody needs this much luxury!”
“You will after we make this trip. It’s worlds away from having Sadie pull us to Raleigh,” I told her.
Dianne, always wanting to raise the level of positivity in a conversation, encouraged me to tell about the car. She said she could not wait to ride in it.
I made sure to point out all the features—the French style roof, the four doors, and plenty of room for five or six people. I showed off the mohair velvet upholstery and the walnut wood trim. Oh yeah, and the lever I can move when it is hot that pushes the bottom of the windshield out to let a breeze come in. Such a smart design! The floor is so large that Marie can play all the way to Raleigh. Toni was so sweet to buy this one in green. I love green. When I told them Toni had paid just over $2,000 for it, Ethel’s eyes opened wide like a bullfrog and her mouth dropped. She said, “Good God, $2,000! I could buy a lot of land for that! Maybe we shouldn’t eat in there! Let’s get some towels to make sure we can clean up any spills.”
Dianne snickered and asked me what I had to pay Antonio. I rolled my eyes and gave a coy smile. We all giggled. They really did not want to know.
We made a place for Marie to sit in the backseat and a safe place with blankets on the floorboard for her to play with the toys and books we were bringing along. Ethel sat in the back to keep her company. Dianne rode in the passenger seat up front with me. For January it was a nice driving day. The roads were clear of snow and ice because the temperature had been above freezing for several days.
I talked for an hour about what I learned from Jane Hines about Dix Hill and how they care for people there. Each resident rooms with another person, just like they might at home. Of course, some of the very ill are in the hospital section on a ward with others.
Ethel explained that Caroline was in a home with four bedrooms and five other women and said, “There is also a caregiver who lives on campus who is assigned to a group of patients. Everyone in the house must help with cooking and housework. Those who are able are assigned a job in the Dix Hill community. Caroline wanted a job in the nursery taking care of the babies.”
That distressed me when I heard about the children. I blurted out, “You mean there are babies in the insane asylum? That is awful. How did they get there?”
Ethel said that they were either born after their mother came to Dix Hill or mother and child entered together. She said there are child carers who keep them safe, clean, and also nurture and love them as any baby deserves. She had seen all this when she went with Momma to take Caroline there the first time. She assured Dianne and me that the space was clean and colorful with lots of things for the children to play with.
Then there was silence in the car as we all pictured what that might be like to be a child there. Ethel pulled Marie into her lap and held on tight. Marie looked into her mother’s eyes and said, “Momma, sing the Rock a Bye Baby song.”
Ethel began humming a lullaby that our mother had sung to all of us when we were young. All three of us began to sing. I sang through the sadness of wanting my own child.
Rock-a-bye, baby, in the tree top
When the wind blows the cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks the cradle will fall
Down will come baby, cradle and all.
Baby is drowsing, cozy and fair.
Mother sits near in her rocking chair.
Forward and back, the cradle she swings
Though baby sleeps, he hears what she sings.
Rock-a-bye, baby, do not you fear.
Never mind, baby, Mother is near.
Wee little fingers, eyes are shut tight
Now sound asleep – until morning light.
Before the end of the song, Marie slumped down onto the back seat and was fast asleep. The next 30 miles were quiet. Marie slept soundly, lulled by the road noise. We had covered most of the things we needed to discuss earlier in the ride, but we hadn’t talked about what Caroline should know about Momma’s passing. I broached the subject quietly. I thought we should be honest with Caroline. I knew if it was me and my sisters kept this from me, I would never forgive them. My friend Jane says they tell a patient as much as the patient can handle. It seemed to me Caroline was doing well there. She had a job and everything.
Dianne agreed. She said, “Yes. If we cover this up it will come out at some time in our letters or just future time together. I am worried, though. If we tell her and then leave this afternoon, we might do more harm than good. Remember that Caroline always takes a while to understand things. Her anger or sadness usually doesn’t come out when something happens. It comes hours or days after. Maybe we should stay over one night in Raleigh and visit with her again tomorrow.”
With Marie fast asleep Ethel knew it was okay to tell me more details about the episode with the Murphy children and Philip Walker. She described how long it took Caroline to get over that. Ethel said Caroline stayed in
her room for more than a week. She and Momma took her meals to her there. Although Momma didn’t know what happened to Caroline, she wasn’t really worried. Momma told Ethel, “Caroline has a tender heart. It gets broken easily, and it takes a while to mend.” Ethel said she let it be because she didn’t want Momma to know this was something more than a broken heart.
Dianne asked Ethel to tell me about the breakdown that really did scare Momma. Ethel told the story with details I had not heard before.
“It was so terrible, Annie. It was the time we all found out that Caroline was breakable. I was glad you were already in Washington. Marie was just a toddler when it happened. She cried most days for weeks. I think she knew our world was shaken.
“Every morning as the sun was rising, Caroline went to the barn to see Sadie and to make sure all the barn animals were fed. That day was no different. Being with the animals seemed to calm her. When something made her mad, she would go to the barn.
“I was helping Momma get dressed for the day. She had trouble with buttons.
“We heard a frightened whinny from Sadie. The pigs were squealing and then there was the crackling sound of wood burning. When Momma and I got around to the back of the house and could see where the noise was coming from, we both screamed. Caroline was holding tight to Sadie’s bridle inside the burning barn. Caroline’s shirt was pulled down from her shoulders. Her pants were ripped and her hair was a mess. The barn was on fire. The flames were taller than Sadie. Because Caroline was holding her so tightly, Sadie could not run. She was bucking and making all kinds of scared noises. Caroline stood frozen with her back to Sadie, chanting over and over in a calm voice, “It’s okay. We are going to be all right. The Nash girls are always fine.”
“I ran faster than Momma, so I got to Caroline first. I grabbed her shoulders and shook her. I was screaming at her ‘You gotta get out of here! Let go of Sadie!’ She wouldn’t drop the bridle. Sadie was going crazy. She raised her front legs higher than I’ve ever seen before and brought them down on Caroline. The blow landed on Caroline’s back between the shoulders. Caroline slammed face down in the ground and didn’t move. Momma opened the barn doors wide so all the animals could get out. That created a bigger firestorm. The yellow and orange fire slapping the rafters of the roof looked like hell on earth. I yelled at Momma to go back to the house. Sadie went running, still bucking and whinnying. The other animals scattered anywhere they could find calm outside the barn.
“I grabbed Caroline’s arms above her elbows and pulled her deadweight away from the barn. I was able to get her close to the house before I fell backwards. Her head landed in my lap. Neighbors came from all around to help. At that point though, all we could do was watch hellfire take away our barn.”
While Ethel described the scene, I pulled the car off the road, screeching to a stop. I turned to face her as she was telling the horrific story. I was sick to my stomach. My hands were shaking. Dianne leaned over and hugged me. “It’s okay now, dear girl,” she said softly as she stroked my hair.
Ethel had to finish the story. “As we all know, Caroline was hurt pretty bad. Our next door neighbor carried her in their car to the hospital in Greenville. She stayed there two weeks. After treating her burns and the injuries from Sadie, they began changing medication to pull Caroline back into the real world. She had been unconscious for days. When she woke, she did not speak. She could only eat soft foods and make small movements with her fingers. The nurses exercised her muscles while she was in the bed and by the end of two weeks she could stand. The doctors advised Momma that Caroline should go to Dix Hill for long term care. The doctors all agreed that Caroline’s recuperation from this trauma could be months or years, and possibly she would never fully recover. That is when we sent for you, Annie. We needed you to come help us decide what to do. You were a godsend because you already knew about what they might be able to do for Caroline at the State Hospital.
“You know we lost Sadie that day. Most of her backside was burned. One of the farmhands brought his gun and did what was necessary to put dear Sadie out of her misery.”
Even though it was hard to hear all this, I still needed to know more. I dropped the bombshell and asked one question I had never asked. I asked if Caroline had started the fire, if she intentionally tried to kill herself and Sadie.
Ethel raised her eyebrows as she looked over at Dianne, signaling how she would answer that question. Ethel said, “We don’t know for sure. Since Caroline’s injuries were so bad, doctors kept her sleeping heavily. When she came to, she said nothing. I mean, did not use her voice. After a month at Dix Hill, Caroline began to talk but never about that day.
“With the barn in ashes, Momma decided we should have the land cleared. The sheriff would not allow it. His men were trying to uncover the reason the barn caught fire. They found more than we knew at the time. A dead body in the back of the barn. It seemed to be that of a young man.”
I was putting it all together now. We might never know what happened in the barn with the young man, what made Caroline do what she did, but this was why she was admitted to Dix Hill. I remember she was officially under arrest. It is clear to me now that Dix Hill was the only place to take her. She was a danger to herself and others.
Our meeting with Jane Hines was set for ten o’clock in the hospital cafeteria. My hands were sweating even though it was a cold January day. I was looking forward to speaking with Jane, but I was not sure I wanted to hear what she had to say about Caroline. I passed my list of topics to discuss to Dianne and said, “You do it. I don’t think I can.”
Dianne looked at me with sympathy and replied, “Of course, Annie, of course. This will be a sad happy day for all of us. Sad to hear about Caroline. Happy to get our arms around her.”
We had arranged for Marie to stay in the nursery while we visited. Someday I wanted Jane to meet Marie, but not now. Jane was dressed in a white dress cinched at the waistline, white flat shoes, and a white starched hat. Around her left arm was a band with the red cross painted on it. I had not seen her in uniform. She looked so official. She stood tall with shoulders firm as she approached us. But the smile was all Jane. I relaxed a bit at seeing that smile. Jane greeted my sisters with a firm handshake. She grabbed my shoulders and brought me in for a hug.
She started talking fast, “I apologize for the official uniform, Annie. After our meeting I am filling in for someone who trains the new nurses. I have to look the part, I guess. Unfortunately, I only have thirty minutes, so let me tell you what I have learned about Caroline.
“Caroline was understandably distraught when they brought her here. They ran all kinds of tests on her, medically and mentally. Caroline would not talk to anyone, especially not me. I do want you to know that Caroline is in the best place she can be right now. The doctors are excellent in their field. The staff is efficient and kind. I am proud to say the nursing staff is one of the best in a hospital for the criminally insane.”
I became rigid. Dianne stepped back as if she had been slapped.
Ethel spoke in a firm but calm voice. “She is not a criminal! It was an accident. Caroline just has trouble sometime.”
Jane relaxed her body and touched my arm. “I am so sorry, ladies. I did not mean to imply . . . Caroline is your sister and needs mental help. The state placed her in custody in a section of this facility that is called that. Please forgive my awful choice of words.”
Dianne said, “I understand. What can you tell us about Caroline’s ability to get well?”
“Caroline has a long road ahead of her. Everyone here wants her to get well. They have a plan which will include all kinds of therapy to improve her mind, body, and spirit. I know from Annie that you are a strong family. That will help. Follow the doctor’s advice, and you will be able to help her heal.”
My sisters and I listened as Jane talked to us about the mind and how it affects all parts of the body. And how a weakened body affects the mind. Dianne said, “Thank you, Jane, for explaining all th
is to us. We are more ready to meet her doctor now.” Ethel just turned and walked away. Jane attempted to give me another hug, but I could not. It was all too depressing.
Ethel led us toward the office of one of the doctors. A man dressed in white pants and shirt stepped toward us before we got to Dr. Redmond’s office. By the look on Ethel’s face, we knew he was not Dr. Redmond. He said, “Hello, I am Doctor Alderman. I am afraid Dr. Redmond is unavailable. He asked me to speak with you on his behalf.” He told us that Caroline had relapsed. Her mental state was in regression, and they had to move her back into the hospital last night. He said they were working to adjust her meds, so we would not be able to visit her after all. The scariest thing he told us was that Caroline was reporting that voices were telling her to hurt people again, so they had placed her in isolation.
When I explained that our mother had died, and we wanted to tell Caroline in person and wanted to see if she could come back with us to attend our mother’s funeral, the doctor was adamant. He told us Caroline was in no condition to hear or accept her mother’s death right now. He added that the hospital was trying to keep her and the other patients safe. He said Dr. Redmond would send us a report as soon as he could to let us know when we could see Caroline.
We drove the whole way back home without talking to one another. I turned on the radio, and we listened to jazz and pretended we hadn’t heard that news.
MARCH 1932
Dianne
Settling Momma’s Estate
Momma died two months after Dr. Walker diagnosed her with cancer. She evidently had been living with it for months, if not a year. Now Dianne, Annie, and I gathered to talk about how to cope with losing our mother. We had to settle the estate as well as decide what to do about Caroline. I have to say handling all the things necessary to settle our mother’s estate put a strain on the Nash sisters’ relationships. Conversations revealed heart-break, anger, and even a little silliness. Dianne shares the memories and conversations she recalls when we were reminded that family love and responsibility loom larger than each of our own desires.
