by Dinah Harper
“What?”
“You wouldn’t put anything in this, would you?”
He buckled his seat belt. “What would I need to drug you for?”
Right. He got everything he wanted from her.
He pulled out of the parking lot and navigated through the small town before he found his way onto the interstate. She took a tentative sip and let her eyes flutter shut. It was an excellent white mocha. She bit back a moan.
“Good?”
She opened her eyes and saw he was watching her.
“Yes,” she said grudgingly and then waved a hand. “Eyes on the road!”
He grinned as he returned his attention to the road. She sat back and despite what occurred in the motel room, her spirits began to lift. She was almost home. Soon, they would be with Lynne and her father and Jesse would be heading off to Japan. She would settle in Texas and set about recovering financially, emotionally, mentally. Then, she would figure out what to do with her life. One good thing came out of facing Jesse again. He wasn’t the bogeyman under her bed any longer. He was definitely a psycho, but one she could handle. She faced him and lived to tell the tale. For now, she would play nice for their parent’s sake. Neither of them would rock the boat on that front, but in future, she would revert back to avoiding him at all costs.
Would he come back to Texas if Lynne was no longer around? A surge of ambivalent emotions swept through her. Lynne was the only family he had. After she was gone, he would have no one. Well, he would have Dad. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. Today, he added a trucker’s hat to his ensemble, but everything else was the same. He hadn’t shaved, which gave him a five o’clock shadow. On the surface he seemed content, but the tales he shared with the men in the diner told a different story. He had lost a lot of friends and people he respected since he had joined the military and although he had glossed over a lot of details, she could read between the lines. His six years in the military thus far hadn’t been a picnic.
She wrestled with herself. She didn’t want to engage him in conversation or show empathy because he would get the wrong idea, but… “I’m sorry about your friend.”
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw his head turn in her direction.
“What?”
She waved her hand. “You were talking about him in the diner. Eric.”
He nodded. “Yeah.”
When he said nothing more, she added, “Jeremy too.”
“That was a tough one.”
She pursed her lips. “Is… is your job dangerous?”
He shrugged. “There’s always risk.”
“A lot of risk?”
“Worried about me, Vi? I thought you hated me.”
She bristled. “I do.”
“Then what’s with the sudden concern?”
“Dad would feel bad,” she quipped. “Why have so many of your friends passed?”
“Shit happens.”
“How can you sound so casual about death?”
“Death’s been a constant presence in my life from when I was very young. When I was six both of my grandfather’s died within weeks of each other and my grandmothers went a couple years later. Then there was my dad.” He shook his head. “Death’s inevitable.”
“So, you’re okay with Lynne going?”
He frowned. “Of course not. Just because you know it’s coming doesn’t make it any easier.”
“Then, how—?”
“I know there’s nothing I can do, so I accept it, and focus on spending as much time as possible with her.”
“We’re heading to Florida day after tomorrow.”
“Good.”
She stared out the window. The mountains and desert had given way to flat lands as far as the eye could see. They passed fields of crops, oil rigs, and green pastures. The atmosphere in the cab wasn’t as hostile as it had been yesterday. It should be worse today, especially after what he pulled in the motel room, but she chose to blank it from her mind. It was easier to act like it never happened than to ponder his motivations. That pastime would drive her insane. She thought she knew him better than anyone else until he started acting out of character. Did she really want to know what provoked him to act in the first place? No. She refused to look that deep for fear of what she would uncover.
It bothered her that despite everything he had put her through, there was an easiness between them that carried over from their childhood. Their familial bond hadn’t been severed despite their chaotic, tumultuous relationship. They knew each other’s preferences and habits and may have spent half a decade apart, but their core was still the same, which gave them common ground. When they were kids, she thought they could read each other’s minds. That was before he ruined their relationship with sex.
I want to be a good man.
He could be. He just had to stop his horny, manic episodes. When he was with her, he was a completely different person. With everyone else he was courteous, patient, helpful. That’s the boy she had grown up with, the one she loved. She would do anything for him… and had for a while, even though she knew it was wrong. Maybe that’s what she hated most. In the beginning, she performed because she loved him too much to stop him. She let it go on too long before she came to her senses and started fighting back too late.
Her mood began to dip. She tried to ignore the heaviness in her chest and the dark wave that swept over her, obliterating the burst of hope and inspiration she got while drinking her white mocha. Her moods were like the tides—high, low. Sometimes tsunamis swept in and she didn’t come up for air for days. That feeling of excitement and homecoming turned to ash as her spirit sank like a stone.
As if he sensed the change, Jesse said her name.
“Don’t,” she sighed.
“Don’t what?”
She shook her head. “I just want to get through this in one piece.”
“Get through what?”
Lynne’s death and whatever else occurred before his departure.
Silence enfolded the cab. She leaned her head against the window and stared at the landscape, but she wasn’t taking it in. Memories floated to the surface—good, bad, and ugly.
“When my dad died, I thought my life was over,” Jesse said.
She tensed.
“He was my world, my hero. Mom did her best to fill the gap, but it wasn’t the same. She dated a couple guys. None of them lasted long. When she started dating Isaac, I knew something was different. I had already made up my mind to hate him.”
They passed a grove of trees with a river running through it before they came upon open, untouched land with a lone farm house in the distance.
“Isaac didn’t cater to me or try to make me like him. I didn’t know how to take that. He was a firefighter, which was cool, but not as cool as my dad being in the military. When he said he had a daughter, I told Mom he wouldn’t do. I didn’t want anything to do with a prissy girl. And then we met at the park. You weren’t what I expected.”
She remembered that day. Dad had never taken her to meet a girlfriend and she’d been ecstatic. She had been trying to set Dad up with one of the ladies from church for years. She was tired of being shuffled from family to family when he had to work. When she met Lynne, she knew immediately that she was perfect for her father.
“You were dressed like a boy in a striped green shirt and khaki shorts,” Jesse continued. “Your hair was messy and tangled and when we played soccer, you kicked me in the shin to get the ball. You were aggressive, competitive, completely opposite from every girl I knew. You got in my face and challenged me. You called me names and taunted me when I refused to play as rough as you.”
The images he evoked caused a strange flurry in her chest. “I don’t want to talk about this.”
“You welcomed us in, wanted us around all the time, and cried when we left. You clung to me, made me feel needed, looked up to me.”
Her stomach lurched. “Stop it, Jesse.”
“I fell in love with you
the day we met and never snapped out of it.”
She rolled the window down to drown out his voice.
“Every year it got worse until I couldn’t take it anymore—”
“Pull over!” she shouted.
“You didn’t see—Fuck, Violet, don’t!”
Even as she shoved her door open, she felt a hand twist in her shirt, hauling her backward. The truck swerved and Jesse cursed.
“Pull the fuck over!” she bellowed.
He pulled off the state highway beside a field of flowers. She hopped out of the truck and marched through the high grass, uncaring about the stains she was getting on her jeans or the fact that she could step on snakes and God knew what else. She didn’t care. She stopped and braced her hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath.
“Vi.”
He was right behind her. Of course, he was. He couldn’t give her a fucking moment.
“You need to back off,” she warned.
“I gave you five years. Now, I’m going to have my say.”
She whirled around to face him. “You didn’t give me space. You went into the Air Force.”
“I promised my dad I would enlist, but I didn’t make my final decision until I saw the effect I was having on you. I knew I couldn’t stop myself, so I left. I hoped after we spent time away from each other that I’d be able to deal with you.”
He was breathing hard, chest pumping beneath his gray shirt as he faced off with her. The easygoing facade was alarmingly absent.
“I thought I’d be different this time around, but the moment I saw you, it was like all the years in between never happened. You make me go haywire. I can’t help myself.”
“You don’t want to help yourself! You get off on dominating me, forcing me—”
“I don’t want to dominate you. I want you. Any way I can have you, I’ll take you.”
“You’re sick.”
“Maybe.”
“There’s no maybe about it. Anyone who’s done what you have should be locked up.”
He pulled off his shades so he could pierce her with eyes that reflected the unreal blue sky. The bill of his cap cast a shadow over his face, but that didn’t take away from the intensity of his gaze.
“You could have made that happen. Why didn’t you say anything?”
When she tried to walk away, he blocked her path.
“No, answer me. If you wanted me to stop, if you hated me so much, why didn’t you tell someone?”
“Who would believe me? Even I couldn’t believe what was happening and you were doing it to me! Who would believe perfect Jesse Sampson was fucking his sister? You’re the best actor I’ve ever met. You’re able to turn it on and off like that.” She snapped her fingers in his face. “You did me dirty and then carried on with your day as if nothing happened. You still do that!” She rubbed the place where her punctured heart thudded. “And Mom and Dad would have died if they knew. You know that.”
A warm breeze tugged playfully on her hair as the sun beamed down on them. A volatile concoction rumbled around inside her. She noted dimly that she had traveled further from the truck than she intended. Jesse stood between her and freedom, a silent declaration that she wasn’t going anywhere until he allowed it.
“What do you want from me?” she demanded.
“I want you.”
“You’ve had me!”
His hand slashed through the air. “Your body isn’t enough. I want you.”
“That’s never going to happen.”
Her heart slammed against her ribs as he invaded her space, making her feel trapped even though they stood in an empty field with miles of land around them.
“I made a lot of mistakes with you. I didn’t know how to handle my feelings. I fell for you before Mom taught you how to dress or what it meant to be a woman. You bloomed right in front of me. You started attracting guys and picked the worst ones. You made my life a fucking hell.”
“And that’s my fault? How was I supposed to know?”
There was a minute shift in his expression that made her stomach clench.
“You knew how I felt about you,” he growled. “You woke up that night, you looked right at me.”
Her heart careened into her throat. She backed away. “We aren’t doing this!”
He grabbed her shoulders, halting her escape.
“We are,” he gritted.
“You’re fucked up!” She beat her fists against his chest. “You were sneaking into my room at night and jerking off on me! Why—what—who does that?”
“A desperate, horny teenager,” he said in a flat, unapologetic tone. “I stole your underwear at first, but that wasn’t enough. I watched you sleep, imagined myself beside you, over you.” His eyes glinted with lust. “I wanted you covered in me. I was obsessed and then you woke up one night right before I spilled my load.”
Her mouth watered as panic spread through her. She looked around even though she knew they were alone. This was their fucked-up history, the beginning of the deterioration of their relationship. These were things she had wiped from her memory, that were so taboo she vowed never to tell a soul and here he was, laying it out in broad daylight.
“You let me keep doing it. I even saw your hand moving beneath the covers once—”
“Stop!” she screamed and ripped out of his hold so she could pace, hands swiping at the cold sweat that covered her skin.
“You’re so deep in denial I don’t know how to reach you,” he said as he dogged her steps. “You want to act like none of this happened, but it did and it’s still happening. You want me, but you put on this act because you’re afraid of what others will say.”
She swung around to face him head on. “I don’t want you!”
He didn’t stop until their chests touched. He wasn’t Jesse, but he wasn’t the monster either. He was someone else, a stripped-down version of himself she had never met before. His eyes glittered with wrath that didn’t bode well for her. She mentally braced as his hand gripped her throat.
“You’re lying to me, but what’s worse is you’re lying to yourself. You’re so locked in your head that you don’t know what’s real and what isn’t.”
“You’re my brother,” she said through clenched teeth.
“I was never your brother.”
She would have stepped back, but his grip kept her in place before him. “What?”
“Our parents falling in love doesn’t make me your brother,” he declared. “Us living together and playing family didn’t make me your brother. It made me your friend, that’s it. I never saw you as a sister and I never will. I did everything in my power to let you know I saw you differently and you knew it too.”
She clawed at his hand. “Let me go!”
His hand flexed on her and she stilled. His eyes bored into hers as he leaned down so his lips were a hair’s breadth away from hers.
“You love me and not as a brother either. I could feel your eyes on me all the time—during games, in school, during church. You wanted to be with me all the time. We were so in sync with each other, we didn’t even have to talk. I thought we had an understanding until you started dating.”
Something dangerous flared in his eyes. His eyes moved over her face as his finger stroked her hammering pulse.
“Not only did you date other men in front of me. You picked losers. The only thing that kept me sane is believing you weren’t going too far with them.” His tone roughened. “And then I saw Tucker’s hand in your shorts. I lost it.”
He cocked his head as the hand on her neck went to her chin and angled it so she couldn’t avoid his gaze.
“I let my body do the talking, assuming you would understand all the things I couldn’t say.”
She jerked her chin out of his grasp. “I can’t do this.”
“You have to. There’s nowhere for you to run and no one to interfere. Talk to me, Vi.”
“I have nothing to say to you!”
He gave her a small sh
ake. “We can’t move on if we don’t settle our shit.”
“I don’t care if we move on and besides, you started this shit. You ruined everything for sex!”
“I told you, it’s not just sex.”
“Love?” she spat as she tried to get away from him and failed. “I don’t believe you. Love is patient, love is kind—”
“Love is cruel,” he hissed. “Love is selfish. Love makes good people do terrible things. People think love is this soft, fluffy emotion that magically makes everything better. It isn’t. It can fuck you up so bad, you’ll never be the same.”
“You can’t use that word to justify what you’ve done.”
“It’s all I have.”
She shook her head. “This never should have happened between us. I want it to go back to the way it used to be. I want my brother back.”
He brushed loose tendrils of hair away from her face. “You can’t get something back that you never had. I was your friend and then your lover.”
“You mean enemy.”
“I never wanted to be your enemy. I meant to be your champion, your man, yours. You let me touch you, let me teach you, pleasure you. It was only after that you started fighting—”
She shoved away from him. “I gave into you because I didn’t know what to do. You were my first. You were showing me what it meant to be a woman and it was you… I loved you and… I didn’t know what I was doing, Jesse! You can’t use that against me.”
“I can. It’s been between us from the moment we met and once I had you under me, you gave into it for a while before we almost got caught and you panicked. Since then, you’ve refused to give me an inch because everyone sees us as siblings. We’re not, Violet.”
“Mom and Dad see us that way! They’d have a heart attack!”
“If we stand together, eventually they’ll have to accept—”
She stomped her foot. “What the hell are you talking about? We’re nothing!”
He flushed with rage. “Because you won’t let us be! You know we belong together, you just refuse to see.”
She tugged savagely on her hair as she stared at him. He was a madman. “You think you can say you love me and it makes everything better? It doesn’t. You have no idea what you did to me. I haven’t been the same since you. I can’t focus, can’t breathe, can’t dream anymore. I loved you more than I loved myself. You were my hero, my life. I idolized you. I would have done anything for you and you… You destroyed me.”
