by Jeff Strand
It’s a few weeks later. There are no more rodent posters on my walls. Nobody keeps me up at night with their snoring. Things are pretty much back to normal, except that this guy let a whole bunch of potbellied pigs loose in our neighborhood. It was crazy! I want to tell you all about it, but it would be weird to resolve the story of my cousin Blake by launching into an unrelated story about a pig rampage. If you ever come to one of my shows, ask me, and I’ll tell you the whole story.
Did Audrey and I get back together? Wouldn’t that be a good ending? Except we didn’t. Blake offered to send her an email with a full account of his cruel deeds, but we decided that it might be better if we kept each other’s problematic behavior (like, y’know, a case of light kidnapping) a secret. I trust you won’t say anything either.
Anyway, Audrey already pretty much knew what Blake had done when she broke up with me, but I’m working to earn back her trust and respect. Blake didn’t bring out the best in me, but we’re back to being good lab partners. She doesn’t have a new boyfriend yet, and I don’t have a new girlfriend, so you never know…
Did Fanged Grapefruit get back together? No. Wait, yes! After Blake flew home and I was putting my own posters back on the wall, I felt really bad about how I botched the performances. So the next day at school, I told Mel and Clarissa that they could keep the Fanged Grapefruit name and use any of the songs that they wanted.
Mel and Clarissa said that they felt awful about what happened, so I could keep the name and the songs.
I said no, it was all my fault, and they deserved the name and songs.
They said that they should have been more understanding about all I was going through and that they couldn’t in good conscience keep the name and the songs.
I said it was a shame to waste them.
They said, “Perhaps we could both use them.”
I said, “Do you mean we should get the band back together?”
They said, “Maybe.”
So yes, Fanged Grapefruit continues to play every Monday night at the Lane. We’ve changed things up a bit. Mel is now the lead singer, and I’m now lead guitar, which is how it should have been in the first place. But I still get to ask the audience if they’re ready to rock.
And guess what? A few of the people who were paid to be there came to see us again!
Mom did want to know how my car had caught on fire three hours from home and also why Blake and I looked like we’d been beating each other up when we got home. We basically said that we’d gone to scope out new places for gigs. We couldn’t come up with a good way to explain our injuries, so we admitted that we’d gotten into a fight because of the stress we felt when my car broke down.
Did she believe us? Yes. Am I grounded? Oh yeah. Excluding my Monday night performances, I’m pretty much grounded until summer. And obviously, I don’t have a car anymore. So I don’t want to give the impression that this is a completely happy ending.
That said, things could’ve worked out worse. They could be scraping me off the tires of that semi. And the videos of me messing up my performance could’ve gone viral. (I assume they will when Fanged Grapefruit hits it big, but by then I’ll be able to laugh about it.)
Will Blake and I stay in touch? Since we’re almost done here and I don’t want to end on a bitter note, I’m going to go ahead and say sure. In fact, I’ll text him right now.
Hey.
Hey.
What’s up?
Not much. How’s your book going?
Good. Almost done.
Do I come off badly in it?
No, not at all.
Are you still going with present tense, even though it will confuse readers who want to know if you’re running back and forth to your computer to type things up as they happen?
I think my readers will grant me creative license.
Well, I’ve got to go pick my Canadian girlfriend up at the airport. She should be through customs now.
See ya, Blake.
See ya.
So yeah, even though having my cousin move in with me for a few weeks wasn’t the best experience of my life, it turns out that I like writing, and it was good material for a book. So here we are. This has been Rod Conklin, lead guitar of Fanged Grapefruit. Get home safely, and I hope you enjoyed the show!
Encore!
Dedicated to my cousin Blake.
Got a cousin named Blake. (Blake! Blake!)
Yeah, a cousin named Blake. (Blake! Blake!)
Oh, I can’t stand Blake.
Wanna throw him in a lake.
Abandon him during an earthquake.
Or deny him a slice of cake.
He keeps me awake.
And he’s such a snake.
His face I’d like to break.
Hope he gets a toothache.
Wish I didn’t have a cousin named Blake. (Blake! Blake!)
My life would be greatly improved without the existence of my cousin named Blake. (Blake! Blake!)
He’s a great big ol’ fake.
Trust him? A mistake.
Think it’s time to make.
A pointy wooden stake.
Hope he steps on a rake.
And spills his milkshake.
And gets an overcooked steak.
He’s one I’d like to forsake.
I’d spend every day walking around with a big grin on my face and whistling merry tunes if not for my cousin named Blake. (Blake! Blake!)
Yeah, I’d be insufferable about my love for the world around me and my appreciation for all of the beauty in nature, but it’s all messed up because of my cousin named Blake. (Blake! Blake!)
I don’t like you, Blake.
Really don’t like you, Blake.
You’re quite unlikable, Blake.
I’m just no fan of Blake.
There are still other words that rhyme with Blake.
Like bake and Jake and slake and flake.
And spake and partake and remake and opaque.
But I think I’m done rhyming with Blake.
Ladies and gentlemen, good night!
The End
Acknowledgments
It takes more than one person to ruin somebody’s life. Thanks to Elizabeth Boyer, Justin Dimos, Donna Fitzpatrick, Lynne Hansen, Sarah Kasman, Kathryn Lynch, Michael McBride, Jim Morey, Annette Pollert-Morgan, Rhonda Rettig, Stefani Sloma, Paul Synuria II, and Alex Yeadon for their efforts in making this book not suck.
About the Author
Jeff Strand’s ridiculous novels include A Bad Day for Voodoo, I Have a Bad Feeling about This, The Greatest Zombie Movie Ever, Stranger Things Have Happened, and a bunch of others. After over twenty years in Florida, he now lives in Atlanta, Georgia. You can follow him on Twitter @jeffstrand and visit his website at jeffstrand.com.
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