by Roslyn Bane
“No, Major, I let you stay here for an hour. It’s time for you to get back in bed.” She smiled. “What? You didn’t think I saw you leave your room? Come on, Major, I’ve been around this block a few times. Now trust me. Get back to bed and rest. Your back will appreciate it in the morning. That couch sucks after a few hours. Besides, you have a big day coming up, it’s time to start your fitting process.”
Chapter Seventeen
KRIS STARED VACANTLY OUT the window, watching the sluggish morning rush hour traffic. I can’t stay in here. Get moving. Go for a walk. Talk to the staff. Glad to be free of the cane, she stepped out of her room. She walked the length of the hallway several times, stopping to talk to the staff and other patients. Where is she? That woman. Sam. I haven’t seen her for a few days. I wonder if she left? No. No, it was much too early. She was as tired as I was and still looked a little shell-shocked. I’ll have to look when I’m in therapy. She headed for the big window overlooking the garden. Perfect. The couch is up close. I couldn’t move it. Wonder what’s going on outside. Hmm, garden looks nice.
Kris sat down and sighed. Cars circled the parking lot, the drivers seeking nonexistent parking spaces. She watched as cars made the loop around the third time before they gave up and moved toward the perimeter of the hospital lot. I should be going home soon. To what though? Shelly can’t stand to look at me. I can’t work yet. I’ll be in therapy for weeks even after I leave here. She’s changed. Something else is going on. Who was she talking to on the phone? She’s tense, not just scared or nervous. How are Shelly and I going to make this work? If she even wants to try? Do I want to? God, she pisses me off. No, she hurt me. I can’t believe what she said. Yes, I can. It is a mess. Scars all over the place. Bruises, swelling. A lifeless arm. Can’t work. Can’t operate. Medical discharge? Then what? Maybe teach at a medical school. Shelly. One breast. One breast. God, the woman loves breasts. No wonder she’s repulsed.
“Hello again. Mind if I sit?”
Kris flinched in surprise and turned at the sound of the voice. “Hi, Sam.”
“You’re looking sad today.”
“I’ve been thinking about my future. Wondering what it holds. Here, have a seat.” Kris slid over to give Sam room.
“Being here will do that to you. How’s the arm doing?” Sam sighed as she sat and placed the crutches on the floor.
“Not too good. We’re still trying to figure out what’s going on with it.”
“That brace looks uncomfortable.”
Kris looked down at the brace. “I guess it does look that way. Like some sort of medieval torture device. The problem is, I don’t feel a thing. My hand is dead. The brace is designed to keep the tendons from contracting permanently.” Kris looked at Sam, noticed the whites of her eyes still held a light pink color and were a fascinating shade of green. Like a stormy sea. She seems familiar. “How are you doing?”
“Better. My swelling went down, so they were able to start my fitting process for the leg. I still have a long way to go. I’ll be here a few more weeks.” Sam pointed out the window. “I want to get outside and sit on that bench. I want to walk to it.”
“Sounds like a reasonable goal. If you don’t mind me asking, what happ—” Kris stopped speaking when a corpsman appeared.
“Excuse me, ma’ams. Doctor Matthews you have an appointment in just a few minutes.”
“Oh. Well, I guess I should get going. I’ll see you around, Sam. It was nice speaking with you.”
“You too.”
***
Kris listened as the elderly woman spoke with her. “There are several bra choices to give the appearance you want. We’ll get the bra comfortable, and it won’t be noticeable that there is any difference underneath.”
Kris waited while the woman took her measurements, smiling in surprise as the woman opened what appeared to be a magician’s trunk, and drawer after drawer of bras appeared. They discussed bras and features of the different designs to a level of detail she never would have thought possible. Kris pursed her lips as she considered the selections.
“What’s wrong, honey?”
“Don’t you have anything that is…well, stylish? No offense, ma’am, but these look like something my grandmother would wear.”
“Oh sure. Here look at these.” She pulled several catalogs out of her briefcase and pointed out various styles and colors. “I have my van parked outside. I have many different styles and selections.”
“You have a van filled with bras and implants?”
“Yes. I service several hospitals and boutiques selling mastectomy supplies, and I make house calls for women who aren’t up to getting outside yet.”
“That’s a good idea.”
“I thought so.”
Kris thumbed through the catalogs, looking at the different bras. Ooh, there’s red and blue, greens, all the colors. After several more minutes, she made several selections.
“Vibrant colors. That’s good. Don’t feel like you can’t dress up and be feminine and pretty because of what happened. Have you thought about what you want for swimwear or for exercise?”
“I don’t think I will be swimming for a while.” Kris frowned at her arm strapped into the brace. “I can get one later. I can use my regular exercise bra.”
“Of course, you can. Have you thought about what type of prosthesis you want?”
“I can’t have reconstruction for a couple months. Maybe longer.”
“I meant in the bra. There are several shapes, round or teardrop, depending on the shape of your other breast. Do you know if you want silicone gel, foam, or fiberfill? And do you want an artificial nipple? The form will have a similar weight and feel like a natural breast. Some breast forms adhere directly to the chest area, while others fit into special bra pockets that help hold the prosthesis in place. It’s your choice.”
“I hadn’t thought about it. Do you have samples that I could look at?”
“Of course.” The woman reached into her case and pulled out several different types of breast forms.
Kris started to pace. I can’t believe I am doing this. Her eyes filled with tears. Stop, why are you crying all the time. This isn’t like you. “Damn it!” Kris looked around the room and blinked several times.
The saleswoman placed several forms on the bed for Kris to examine. She smiled at Kris and placed a hand softly on her shoulder. “It gets easier. Trust me.” She placed a box of tissues closer to Kris. “Do you want me to show these to you or would you like to look at them privately? If you have any questions, you can ask. Remember these are samples. We can have the form made for your measurements, to match your body type.”
“I’d like to look over them privately.”
“Of course. I have some of these in my van. I’ll go get them. It will take me a few minutes, so take your time.”
Kris sat and stared at the breast forms. She wiped away the single tear that ran down her cheek. A sound in the hallway drew her attention. I’d better get to it before the woman gets back. She picked up the nearest form to examine it. She had set several aside by the time the consultant returned with several styles of bra. After showing Kris how the forms fit inside the bra she left again, giving her privacy. Oh my God! I didn’t know. I sent my patients to see these people, and I had no idea how it worked. Did they feel like I do? I never did this part before. Kris tried on several combinations and made her decisions. She chose the items she wanted and arranged to have several shipped to her home, and the others she put away. I don’t want to see them now. After the consultant packed up her supplies and left, Kris sat down in the chair and called her parents. They spoke for several minutes, and Kris wished them safe travels home.
***
Kris stopped in the doorway and watched as Shelly stared out the window. Her heart hitched as she looked at her lover. She’s given me such joy and such pain. What will it be like this time? Can we make it work? Do I want it to? Or is it time to move on?
Shelly turned sudd
enly, her eyes opening wide. “Hi, babe. I didn’t hear you come in. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I said. And for how I acted. I wasn’t expecting it…you to look like that. For you to be hurt so bad, it shocked me. I think it finally struck home that I could have lost you. Please forgive me.”
Kris watched in silent surprise as Shelly’s eyes brimmed with tears. Whoa. She looks like she’s going to cry. She doesn’t do that.
“Kris? Did you hear me? I said I was sorry.”
“Yes. Yes, I heard you.” Kris entered the room and closed the door behind her. “What you said hurt me. I’m scared. My life has been upended. Here I am expecting your support, and you rejected me. I’m still trying to remember what happened. Do you understand that it’s frightening to be missing hours, days out of your life, and have no idea what happened? To have those missing hours effect everything.”
“I wasn’t rejecting you.” Shelly opened her arms. “I didn’t mean it. We can get through this. Together. I’ll be with you, I promise you. Come here, let me hug you.”
Shelly’s arms wrapped around Kris, the subtle scent of her perfume mixed with the smell of bourbon on her breath. Kris turned her head when Shelly tried to kiss her, the kiss landing on her cheek. “Were you drinking?”
“I had a drink at lunch. It’s not a big deal. I need to head back home today. Apparently, there’s a problem with a big contract. If I leave today, I should be able to get it straightened out before you get home in a few days. That’s still the plan, right?”
“It is. I can’t wait to get back.”
Chapter Eighteen
NORTH CAROLINA
KRIS STEPPED BACK AND waited while Shelly unlocked the door and held it open for her. “Come on in, babe. Welcome home.”
Kris stepped inside her home, stopped in the entry, and looked around seeing everything at once. I’m home. Thank God, I’m home again. She smiled and let out a deep relaxing breath.
“Is there something wrong?” Shelly asked.
She looked at Shelly, “Not at all. It’s surreal. Here I am safe, and a few weeks ago I was in the middle of the desert, living in a space the size of a good closet. It’s so good to be home. I’ve missed you.” She stepped forward and stroked a hand along Shelly’s cheek before leaning in and kissing her, a soft brushing of lips, a gentle caress of lips. Kris sighed and pulled away just far enough that their lips no longer touched, “I couldn’t do this in the hospital, but I wanted to.” She leaned in again, the kiss started soft and intensified, sliding her hand along the back of Shelly’s neck she pulled her closer, stroked her fingers through the wavy hair that reached her collar. She slid her mouth along Shelly’s neck, inhaling the subtle scent of her perfume and tasted her lover’s skin for the first time in months. “God I’ve wanted to do that.”
“Let’s get you settled. You’re looking tired. Do you want some water or juice? I’ll bring your suitcase inside in a few minutes.” Shelly went into the kitchen and Kris wandered around the living room. It looks the same, and it’s clean. No sand or grit. There’s green outside. There were a few new photos on the wall, two of her in Afghanistan, and several of Shelly and her friends, out on a boat and on the golf course. She recognized most of the women in the pictures, but there were a few strangers. In one of the photos one of the women had her arm wrapped around Shelly’s waist, another Shelly was behind the same woman her arms draped over her shoulders. Hmm, who’s that? Kris studied the picture and then looked at Shelly in the kitchen. “Shelly? Who is—” The shriek of children outside startled her. Kris broke out in a sweat and started to pace. Get the kids inside, bring them in. Hurry. Be calm, be calm. Breathe, breathe. Just breathe, nice and slow in and out. In and out.
“Kris? Are you okay?”
She looked down to see Shelly’s hand on her arm and looked back up to see a bewildered look on her partner’s face. “What?”
“I asked if you were all right? You looked a million miles away, and you’re sweating.”
“Ah, yes. I’m good.” She took a deep breath and wiped her hand on her pants. “Can I have that water?” She took the glass from Shelly and drank heavily.
“I’ll go get your things. Do you want to change? Get into something more comfortable?”
“I want a long hot shower. It’s been a long time since I stood in my own shower.”
“Not a bath?”
“I shouldn’t soak yet. I’ll have to make do with a shower.”
“Well, enjoy it. I’ll get your suitcase. Your other stuff, from over there, is in the garage. It was dirty and full of sand, so I didn’t bring it inside. It’s not unpacked.”
“That’s okay. I won’t be needing it for a while.”
Shelly looked at her, “Or ever again, I hope.”
***
“Help me! My baby, she is so cold. Her arm is hurt. Help me!”
“Doc! Doc we need you over here! This woman is requesting a female doctor. Hurry.” Kris ran outside toward the woman and stopped short when a Marine started screaming, and dragged himself along the ground away from a bombed out jeep.” Help me! Help me!”
“There’s more coming. We need more help! Over here, Commander! Hurry”
Kris took off at a run. The sound of a passing helicopter covering the wailing of babies.
“Ayy—”
Kris lay on the floor with pain shooting through her chest and face, and she tasted blood. The light flicked on.
“Oh my God! Kris, are you okay? What happened?” Shelly knelt beside her on the floor. “Oh, Jesus you’re bleeding everywhere. Let me get a towel.” She was back a moment later “Here. What the hell happened?”
Kris held the damp cloth to her face, pinching the bridge of her nose to stop the trickle of blood. She licked her lips, probing the gash with her tongue. She used several tissues blotting at her lip and nose until the blood flow stopped. “I…I was dreaming.”
“Since when do you sleep walk?”
“It was a weird dream.” Kris stood up, wobbled for a moment, and tried to remember the dream “Can you get me some ice? I need to keep the swelling down.”
“Sure, I’ll be right back.”
Kris looked in the mirror. Her face was already swelling. Her chest was throbbing from where she hit the floor. She removed the brace from her left arm and examined it, not seeing any damage. Shaking, she pulled off her blood-stained tank top and looked at her chest. There was no skin damage or bruising…yet. She breathed a sigh of relief. Bending over the sink, she washed her face. She finished drying her face and lowered the towel when she caught Shelly staring at her chest, with a wrinkled nose, and a grimace on her face. She saw Shelly shudder.
“Shelly?”
“Um…sorry. Here’s the ice. Are you hurting?”
“It’s not as bad as it was. The muscle and rib pain is not too bad. The skin is not as sensitive because the nerves have to regenerate. It’s coming along.”
“Well, let’s get you covered up and back in your brace.” She handed Kris a nightshirt before helping her dress, and get into the brace. While Kris sat with ice on her lips and nose, Shelly read to her. After a few minutes, Shelly fell asleep. Kris climbed out of bed, turned off the light, and grabbed some water from the refrigerator. She paused in front of the entryway closet before opening the door. They’re still here. Kris stepped into her old canvas flats, went outside and spent the next hour pacing the yard.
Chapter Nineteen
BETHESDA, MARYLAND
I’M WALKING, WITH MY own legs. Sam pressed a hand against her racing heart.
“Relax, Major. Not so tense. Little steps. Your brain will figure things out. Try not to shuffle. That’s where you got hung up yesterday.”
After several more trips through the parallel bars, Sam sat and drank some water. Lieutenant Shorb gave her a few minutes to recover. “Okay, Major, break time is over, let’s try this. You’re going to do your up and downs, before you walk to the other side of the room.” They placed a walker in front of Sam, rem
inded her how to put weight on the prosthesis and stood by as she tried standing up and lowering herself into a chair several times. After performing it smoothly, she made her way to the far side of the room, the therapist close by patiently matching her step for step.
When Sam reached the other side of the room, she was sweating profusely. “That’s hard.”
“You’re right, it is, the first few times. It’ll get easier, I promise.”
An hour later Sam was exhausted and sweaty. “Your choice, Major. Do you want to ride, or do you want to use the walker going back to your room?”
“The walker.”
“You should be heading back to North Carolina in the next few days.”
“That’s what I hear. No offense, but I am ready to get out of here.”
“None taken. You’ve done well. You’ll continue to use this prosthesis until they get a better idea of what you can do. Your socket may need to be adjusted periodically. Let someone know if you start to get rubbing or hot spots. Soon you’ll be fitted for your permanent prosthesis. Don’t let that term fool you though. It will change several times throughout your life.”
“That’s good to know.”
They arrived back at her room. “See you later, Major.”
“Lieutenant? In case I don’t see you again, I appreciate what you’ve done for me.”
“You did the work, Major. Good luck.”
***
NORTH CAROLINA
Kris sat on the back porch reading. God, it’s hot. My arm must be sweating. Take the brace off. Do the exercises again. Shelly will be home soon, and she can help you with some of them. She released each finger from its pulley and unlocked the brace at the elbow. Pulling the brace off, she attempted to move her fingers. Come on! Something needs to happen here. Damn it. Kris completed the exercises, wiped the sweat from her hands and picked up her glass. She grimaced as she took a sip of the over warm wine. She pushed it aside and picked up her book, and had started to get involved in the mystery again when a cool drop of water slid between her shoulders blades. “Whoo.” She flinched and turned, “Hi, I didn’t hear you come in.”
