by Roslyn Bane
Sam clenched her jaw. “No, it’s a title, it’s a rank. You know that.”
“I can’t call you Major?”
“No,” Sam said vehemently as the ache grew and crept into her chest. Its cold tendrils tightening her throat.
“Isn’t that what you are?”
Hard and choppy, the waves of grief came fast. Her stomach dropped, and her muscles weakened. Sam recalled how proud she’d felt when graduating from the academy and later earning her wings. She remembered how she’d struggled the last week, on the stairs, and rising from a kneeling position. And how today with a room full of her colleagues she fell on the steps while using her new leg. The humiliation shook her to the core. “When I was an able-bodied Marine. But not anymore.”
“No! You are a Marine.” Kris’ strong voice rang out in the small space.
“Not anymore.” Sam rubbed at the heavy feeling in her chest.
“Who said that?” Kris’ eyes narrowed.
“I’m not. I should be able to stand on my own two feet. Not one real one and one fake one.” Sam dropped her eyes.
“Look at me. That’s bullshit. You would tell some private who lost his leg he was no longer a Marine because he lost a limb?”
“No!” Sam shook her head, and repeated, softly, “No.”
“So, it’s only you? You had a shitty day, and now because you had a hard time doing something that is extremely hard for all amputees you don’t consider yourself worthy of being called a Marine? I call bullshit, Major. It’s time to dig down inside and find the courage that you’ve had your entire life. Now, what do you see in the mirror?”
The cold in Sam’s chest started to turn to heat. What did Kris want? Her pulse throbbed in her temple, and acid like anger started to rise. Leave me alone. Stop poking at me. I don’t know what the hell you want! Shit! Breathe. Calm the fuck down. Breathe. Sam huffed out a breath. “Me. With one leg. And a stump.”
Kris met her eyes in the mirror, and asked softly “Is that all you see?”
Sam swallowed hard against her throat closing up and lifted her hands, “I give up. What else is there?”
“Look again.”
Sam slumped over the crutches and rubbed a hand over her face. Tears threatened as weakness spread through her muscles. She closed her eyes tightly and shook her head before looking in the mirror at Kris. She frowned and shrugged, “Okay, you’re there too.”
Kris saw Sam’s shrug and the sad look on her face. She spoke clearly, “Let me tell you what I see. I see an incredibly strong woman. A brave woman, who is going through a life-changing event right now, with no family around to help her. She’s a bit stubborn, but that’s okay because that’s how she’ll get through this. She’s friendly, outgoing, and probably a hell of an athlete.”
“I was.”
“You are. You will get your strength and balance back. You’ll be able to run. You’ll be able to ski.”
“You don’t know that,” Sam shot back quickly.
“You can try. You might not be swooshing down black diamond slopes, but you can try skiing when you’re strong enough. You’re getting your independence back. You’re driving again. I don’t know if bikes can be modified, but you can cross that bridge later.”
“Look in the mirror. Let me tell you what I see.” Kris stepped up behind Sam and placed her hands on her shoulders. Her voice grew softer, “When you look in the mirror, you see that you’re missing a leg. You see, you remember what you could do and how you did it. But when I look at you, I see everything. Everything that you are. Everything that you can be. I don’t see weakness. I see strength. And courage. I don’t see anything missing, Sam.”
Their eyes met and held in the mirror. Kris saw Sam’s eyes widen in awareness. Her own heart sped up. She let her hands drift from Sam’s shoulders and down her back to her waist. Slowly Sam turned, and Kris stepped forward and into her, their mouths met in a soft, delicate kiss. Their lips moved gently against each other, the kiss lingered as Sam leaned back against the counter and pulled Kris close. Warm moist lips slid along Kris’ throat. Kris stroked her fingers along the side of Sam’s face nudging her back up, so their mouths met again. Soft sensual kisses that explored slowly and without demand.
They pulled apart, and Sam was flushed and had a confused look on her face.
“What’s wrong?”
“I hadn’t realized. You said you were interested but…I didn’t believe you. How long has it been since you’re…ah…roommate moved out?”
“She wasn’t a roommate.”
“I realize that.”
Kris looked over at Sam in surprise. “How did you know that?”
“Little things that added up. There were markings in the carpet of the rearranged furniture. The way the bedrooms were arranged. Only one was being used as a bedroom. The beer in the fridge. You almost always drink wine if you’re having a drink. You weren’t sure if you had beer, and you had no idea what brand it was. Most people have some idea of what brand of beer, or wine for that matter, they have.”
“You’re quite observant.” Kris walked to the other side of the room, and turned back to look at Sam. Her arms held tightly across her chest. “My ex, Shelly. We had been together about five years. I had two tours in Afghanistan in that time period.”
“Two? That’s tough.”
“During the second tour, she cheated. I knew something was off, but I couldn’t put my finger on it for a few months. She would be kind and loving, and then vicious. She became abusive. I didn’t recognize her anymore. Her hours became erratic, and she was moody. At first, I thought it was me. You know, with the adjustment of coming back. With my injury and the flashbacks, I was overwhelmed, and scared. I felt lost. She couldn’t handle my injury, and I wasn’t tuned into what she was doing. Or what she needed.”
“Or what she needed? You were the one who was hurt.” Sam was flabbergasted.
“Yes, but I was in a fog. I wasn’t able to keep up with her…well…needs.” Sam watched the blush rise on her cheeks.
“She blamed it on you? She blamed her cheating on your tour and your injury. That’s bullshit. I hope you realize that.”
“I do now. I went off base after I found out she cheated and got tested for STDs. I didn’t know who or how many partners she had. Fortunately, she was careful. Or lucky. After I found out she was cheating, I threw her out. It’s my house. She’d moved in with me. I packed up her stuff, set it outside, and the next day it was gone. I haven’t seen her since.”
“Let’s go sit down.” Sam turned toward the door.
They went back out and sat on the couch. Kris sat next to Sam and reached out, and stroked Sam’s cheek before leaning in and touching their lips lightly together. Delicious soft kisses that lingered and explored. Kris arched her neck offering it to Sam’s silken lips. Her heart hammered as Sam ran her tongue over her pulse point, before returning to her mouth. They both startled when Kris’ pager alerted that she was needed at the hospital.
Sam stood at the window on her crutches and watched Kris drive away. Holy mother of God can she kiss. Smiling broadly, Sam lay down on the sofa and flipped on the television.
Chapter Thirty-nine
KRIS RETURNED TO THE kitchen and finished with the sauce for the chicken piccata. She was transferring it to a serving dish when Sam nuzzled her neck.
“That smells great.” She inhaled. “How can I help?”
“You can bring the rice out and the wine. It’s chilling in the refrigerator.”
“I’ll get it.” Sam removed the rice from the burner and scooped it into a serving bowl. Tossing the towel aside she walked to the fridge, found the bottle of wine, and uncorked it. Suddenly beeps filled the air as the shrill blast of smoke detectors and smoke filled the room. Sam dropped the bottle of wine on the floor shattering it as she turned and froze.
“Major, we’re hit, we’re hit!”
“We lost the tail rotor. Hold on, we’re going in fast.”
Hands on the
collective and cyclic she pushed the controls trying to gain control of the helicopter as it started to spin. The lieutenant was calling out on the radio a mayday and helping her with the alarms going off as she fought to slow the spin. Her crew in the back were shouting over the noise of metal tearing and the rumble of the engines. The big helo shuddered as it fell spinning toward the earth and she manipulated the controls to coax every available pound of lift to cushion the impact.
“Sam, what the hell is going on?” Kris pushed Sam aside, reached under the sink and grabbed a fire extinguisher and extinguished the blaze. She opened the kitchen window and back door. Turning to look at Sam she noticed the sweat on her face, her posture rigid, jaw tense and the faraway look in her eyes.
“Sam? Hey, Sam, look at me. Look at me!” Kris wrapped her hands around Sam’s face and pulled her close, so they were face-to-face inches apart. “You’re okay, look at me. Do you see me?” She gave her a shake and Sam startled, her eyes focusing as she took a sudden gasping inhalation.
Sam sunk to the floor, shaking, and mumbling. Kris pulled a chair over, climbed up and pulled the batteries out of the smoke alarm in the kitchen and then ran down the hallway, returning with a blanket. She wrapped it around Sam’s shoulders, sat on the floor next to her, and draped an arm around her shoulders. “It’s okay Sam. You’re safe.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened. All of a sudden, I was in the chopper and the alarms were going off. We were going down” Sam looked up, saw the soot on the stove and splash guard, the broken wine bottle sitting in a puddle on the floor, and the fire extinguisher on the counter. “There was a fire?”
“It was an accident. Everything is all right. Do you feel okay now?”
“A little shaky. Let me get up.”
“I’ll help you. Careful the floor is wet.” She helped Sam to her feet and pulled a chair over. “Sit. I’ll get you some water.” Kris brought a glass of water to her. She looked closely at the burned fabric on the stove top. It took her several seconds to realize it was a towel. She tossed what was left of it in the trash.
“What was that?” Sam questioned.
“It was a dish towel.”
“Oh shit. I tossed it down. It must have hit the hot burner. I’m sorry. Damn, I almost burned your house down.” Distress was thick in her voice. She stood up but stopped when Kris held her arm.
“It was an accident.”
“I froze. I couldn’t do anything.”
“Sam, you had a flashback. Have you had any before?”
“Not like this. Not when someone could have been hurt.”
“No one was hurt. The house is fine. I’m more concerned with how you are.”
She held out her hand. “I’m a little shaky…and thirsty. I think maybe the smoke detector beeping did it. Not the smoke. I don’t think I saw the fire. I’m sorry, Kris.”
Kris placed her hand on Sam’s cheek. “I know you are. You have wine all over your pants. Do you want to go shower? I’ll get you something to wear.”
“Ah, I need to sit down to shower.”
“There’s a seat built in.”
“Okay,” Sam said softly.
“Let me get you a towel. I’ll put some pants out. Is your shirt dry or do you need another?”
Sam ran her hands over it. “It’s fine.”
Kris led her down the hall to the master bath and reached into the closet for a large towel. Sam looked around the bathroom, a whirlpool tub sat in one corner, and a double-headed shower was fronted with etched glass doors.
“Here you go. Take your time.” Kris closed the door to the bathroom, set out several pairs of pants on the bed, and went back to the kitchen. She grabbed a mop and cleaned up the mess on the floor. She began to clean the stove top and splash guard. The range hood was scorched heavily. It would take a lot of scrubbing to get it clean.
She opened a few more windows to let the smoke out and lit a few candles. After washing her hands, she placed the chicken back in the oven to warm along with the rice. After opening a bottle of wine, she poured herself a glass and sat down to wait for Sam. She thought about the movie she had planned on them watching for tonight and decided to make a change. She was reasonably confident that if Sam even wanted to stick around after dinner and watch a movie, she was not going to want to watch something blowing up. The look on her face when she realized the towel had caused the fire was a mix of horror and humiliation. She hoped she could reassure Sam, and make her comfortable. Her confidence would have taken a major hit.
***
Sam ran her fingers through her damp hair and looked at herself in the mirror. Jesus Christ, you almost burned her house down! And freezing like that. Good God, you need to be able to function in an emergency, not stand there scared to death or completely unaware. Any interest she had in you…despite the leg…well, that’s gone now. People need someone they can rely on. Get out there, eat dinner, help her clean up and get going as soon as possible.
Sam sighed, straightened up and went out to see what pants Kris had set out for her. With a half-smile on her face, she looked at the pink sweatpants, pink shorts, yellow capris and the well faded blue jeans. Shaking her head and chuckling she picked up the jeans, sat down, and pulled them on. Standing back up she found that they did fit relatively well. She pulled the belt from her own pants and put it on to snug the jeans up a little bit more.
***
“Hi, Sam. How are you feeling?” Renee asked her.
“A little better than when I called but…I’m not sleeping well. I had a flashback, and ever since I’ve felt off.”
“Why don’t you tell me what happened?”
Sam nodded and sat down. “I was at a friend’s house, and we were getting ready to eat. I picked up a pot from the stove and tossed a towel aside. Apparently, it landed on a hot burner and started a fire. I…I didn’t notice it. I had grabbed a bottle of wine and was opening it, when there was a blast of loud beeps. All of a sudden, I was back in Afghanistan. When my chopper crashed. It was like everything was happening again. I could feel the heat from the desert, smell the dust in the air and the grease of the bird. I felt the vibrations as we flew and the impact of the rounds as they hit us. I was right back there. Right before the helo would have hit the ground my friend hit me.”
She saw Renee’s eyebrows arch with an unspoken question.
“Well, not a punch, but she pushed me out of the way. The kitchen was filling with smoke, and the dishtowel was burning. The smoke detectors were beeping. We think…I think, it was the beeping that triggered me.”
“That sounds reasonable. Did the smoke detector alarm sound like the warning beeps in the helicopter?”
“Close enough. There were more of them. But what bothers me is I wasn’t even aware that there was a fire. I could have burned her house down. Hell, if I were alone I might not have realized it at all.”
“When did you realize there was a fire?”
“She helped me sit down and was talking to me. I was confused. It took a minute or so before I realized there’d been a fire. She used a fire extinguisher to put it out. I was completely useless.”
“And that worries you?”
“Yes! What if it happens again? What if I have another flashback and don’t realize it? What if I hurt someone?”
“Including yourself?”
Sam was quiet for a moment. “Yes.”
“Have you had any more flashbacks since?”
“I have dreamed about it in a dozen different ways. Not the flashback, but the fire or other accidents where I am in a daze, unable to help. My friends or family are getting hurt. I wake up, and I feel nauseous. I am trembling. I’m afraid to sleep because of what I might see.”
“I think your reaction is understandable. Sam, the more you worry about this, the bigger it gets. How many times have you dreamed or flashed back to your crash?”
“Too many to count.”
“Do you think you did anything wrong that led up to the crash?�
�� Dr. Abbott asked.
“No. I’ve replayed it over and over. Everyone was doing everything right. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t my fault.”
“You lost colleagues, friends you had trained with, worked with. These are normal feelings. Sam, you have identified one of your triggers as the beeping of alarms. I suggest you change your alarm clock if necessary. Perhaps find a different noise for a smoke detector or get a visual smoke detector, which flashes a strobe light, like they use for deaf individuals. You want to minimize your exposure to the trigger until you desensitize to it. This may take a while. But give yourself permission to talk about this and process it. You were right to come here. I want you to try to get better quality sleep. Fatigue and disrupted sleep will leave you more likely to have flashbacks.”
“I’ll try.”
“How is your friend?”
Sam shrugged. “She’s fine…I think.”
“You think?”
“I was embarrassed. We haven’t spoken since. She’s called and left messages that everything is okay. She’s said she’s not mad, but I can’t imagine that she wouldn’t be.”
“Sam, you have to trust your friend. If she says she’s okay and isn’t mad, then that’s what she is. If she’s smart enough to realize you were having a flashback, I’m sure she’s sympathetic enough to understand.”
Sam sat quietly again. “You’re right. If anyone would understand she would.”
“Good. Is there anything else you’re worried about? You’re living off base again, is everything going well?”
“Yes. I’m renting a house. I didn’t want to buy since I don’t know when my medical board will be.”
“That’s a reasonable plan. Small steps, Sam. You’d hoped to get back to running, have you done that yet?”
“Not yet. This prosthesis feels a lot different than the other one did. I have to get used to it again. It’s more advanced and can tolerate a higher workload. I am doing a lot of pedaling on the stationary bike, and I’ve started to use a rower. I’ll get the running blade soon.”
“Good. I hope it goes well for you. Think about desensitization therapy for your triggers. If it gets to be a problem we can give it a try.”
