by Nikki Wild
He walked away, leaving me there on the floor crying, his shoulders stiff and tense.
“Bear!” I cried. “Don’t leave! Bear!”
He didn’t even look back.
Chapter 22
I was pretty sure my eyes were swollen shut. I tried to open one at a time, but the light pierced them painfully and I finally gave up, keeping them half-shut and feeling around my room until I made it to the bathroom.
I’d come home last night after the terrible scene with Bear and cried myself to sleep. He’d gone to his bedroom and never come out. I took a cab home, leaving without saying a word to him.
I couldn’t believe the way he’d reacted. The way he’d hit me like that, without putting any love into it.
God, it sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?
But last night had been punishment for punishment’s sake and I wasn’t into that.
That was just violence.
I was willing to go along with so much, as long as the love was there, as long as there was an element of play to the game.
Last night, whatever it was, wasn’t a game.
He’d been legitimately pissed off at me and he’d taken it out on my ass.
He’d never done that without talking to me before. Without gently rubbing my ass now and then. Without turning it into a sexual thing, fingering me, pinching my nipples, whispering dirty words to me. He’d always turned into a sexual game.
Last night was anything but sexual.
He’d not even undressed.
He’d disciplined me like a child and I was absolutely mortified and angry. I was angry at him for doing it, but I was angry at myself for letting it happen.
Should I have seen it coming? Maybe.
It all seems so obvious now, doesn’t it? Like, where did I think it was leading? Didn’t I realize I might be in over my head the first time he’d ‘punished’ me for wearing panties?
But no. I thought it was all fun and games.
I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t stopped. I’d used my safe word for the first time and he’d respected that, and I had to at least give him credit for that. But it was like he was a robot, a zombie, a man possessed by something else.
My beautiful, gentle, loving, yet demanding man, was gone.
I don’t know what was there in his place, but I didn’t want any part of it.
I jumped in the shower and tried to wash it all away, but it wasn’t dirt. There wasn’t anything I could do to change things, to go back and make last night different. There wasn’t anything either of us could do or say to take it all back. I couldn’t wash it away.
Last night was one of those nights I would never forget, no matter how much I wanted to. Like a bad disease, I was stuck with it.
The hot water poured over me, mixing with the hot tears that had begun as soon as I’d stepped under the water.
“Fuck!” I yelled. “Fuck!”
What the hell happens now, I wondered?
Will he ever even talk to me again?
Did I even want him to?
If he got that upset because I had dinner with someone, no wait—if I lied to him about having dinner with someone—what else would he get upset about? And what would he do then?
Did he not trust me? Did he think I was going to fuck, Levi? Didn’t he realize how much I loved him? What I would do for him? What I had done for him?
I’d given up everything I’d ever known, left my home just because he told me to, left my friends, all for him. I’d taken him deep into places that I didn’t even know existed before he came along, and now…what were we left with but two fractured pieces of something that I thought was whole and true?
Had I been wrong all along?
I contemplated calling him, apologizing, but my pride wasn’t about to let that happen. He needed to apologize to me. He was the one who’d gone too far, he was the one that had gotten out of control. He needed to come to me first. I wasn’t about to go to him. And I wasn’t sure I was going to forgive him.
My head was spinning and my heart felt like I’d been stabbed a million times. I had no idea if we’d ever be able to heal this.
Time. Maybe we just needed time.
The wounds were still fresh.
Surprisingly, my ass was in pretty good shape, considering the abuse he’d heaped upon it last night.
It was my heart that was broken into a million pieces now.
Chapter 23
ONE WEEK LATER
The damned ring reflected off of everything as I tried to work, catching my eye every time I moved my hand. I couldn’t take it off, despite the fact that I hadn’t heard a peep from Bear in a week.
At first, waiting for him to call was like doing a fast.
Usually, we texted each other all day and his sudden absence was like I’d suddenly stopped drinking wine. Which I had, because just the smell of it seemed to make me nauseous these days. I felt stone cold sober now. My life without Bear was like waking up from a hard bender, reality crashing down around me in the starkest of wake-up calls.
I had no idea what I was going to do without him in my life. My entire existence in New York was built around him. I’d barely seen or talked to my mother. Hell, she didn’t even know about my relationship with Bear in the first place. I’d bailed on the one chance I had to tell her, hiding my ring in my purse. I couldn’t go to her now. Not with this.
I’d talked to Marie almost non-stop and ignored her advice completely. She thought I should just call him, or go see him, talk to him. I was all up for talking to him, because it was time I got more answers from him, but I wasn’t about to make the first move.
Marie thought I was being stubborn and maybe she was right. But I felt so weird about the whole thing, I didn’t understand why he’d done what he’d done—everything was so out of character, but in a way, I guess it wasn’t.
Had this all been leading to this awful place and I’d just been incredibly naive?
I sighed as I closed the seam on the dress I was working on.
I should have known.
I should have known.
It was all right there in front of me the whole time.
I was convinced now that it was the intoxication I felt when I was with him that allowed me to get to that other place. It was a game. I wasn’t to blame.
So, I hadn’t thought he would take it to that level, but I’d participated in what I’d thought was something entirely sexual.
Apparently, to Bear, it went further than that.
And to me, that was too far.
I wasn’t about to accept violence for punishment’s sake. I would gladly tell him that, explain every thought and feeling I had, too.
If only he’d fucking call.
But he didn’t.
So I didn’t.
And, here we were. Or, rather, here I was.
Alone. Confused. Hurt.
But after a week of lying around and nervously twisting my hair around my fingers and staring off into the distance, my eyes swollen from constant crying, unable to keep anything down— at this point, I was just tired of being love sick.
I picked myself up, took a shower, ignored the nausea, ate a good breakfast and made myself get to work.
I reminded myself that I had other options.
My entire life didn’t have to be based around Bear.
I still had a career. Or, at least a dream. And that wasn’t dead yet.
Maybe my engagement was, I still wasn’t entirely sure, but my dream was the only thing that got me out of that bed and propelled me into the shower and to the sewing machine and then, finally, to the phone.
Levi had left me messages all week that I’d ignored completely. I just couldn’t talk to him at first. I had no idea what to say.
At first, I didn’t want to piss Bear off any more than I had already. I figured he would call me the next day, or the day after that, or the day after that, and we would make up.
But after all this time, what�
��s the point of trying not to piss him off?
I walked out of that shower this morning determined to live my life, with or without him. I’d done nothing wrong and I had nothing to apologize for. If Bear couldn’t be man enough to come to me, then fuck him.
Or not.
I pushed away all my yearning for him—closing off my heart and turning off my body, because that was the only way I could get through the day.
Levi had been happy to hear from me. I’d agreed to meet with him again tonight and I was determined to hear him out, ask a lot of questions, and do what was best for me. I vowed not to let the situation with Bear sway me in any way.
I stared down at the ring on my finger, remembering that moment in the airport that he’d put it on. I’d taken the choker off as soon as I’d gotten home after that horrible night and I reached up now, brushing my fingers against my naked neck. I stood up, walking out of my messy studio and into my bedroom. I opened the top drawer of my dresser and slid the ring off my finger, letting it fall onto a pile of scarves, right next to all of my chokers.
I closed the drawer, my heart heavy as tears fell from my eyes.
The first lurch caught me off guard and I ran to the bathroom, everything I’d eaten this morning coming up in a flush of release that felt like I was expelling every emotion I’d ever felt, all of the pain, all of the torment, all of the sadness, it all came up with my breakfast.
I sat back on my heels afterwards, a slight sheen of sweat on my forehead, trying to catch my breath.
I’d been nauseous for over a week, my heart so full of pain, and the sudden rush of relief felt like I’d been cleansed, in a way.
I took another shower and brushed my teeth and later, as I was getting ready to have dinner with Levi, I almost—almost—felt like my old self.
Chapter 24
“I can’t believe you showed my portfolio to Armani!” I said, my eyes wide with disbelief. Levi was beaming across from me and I was sure I was too. “That’s just unbelievable. I didn’t think you’d show it to him personally.”
“We were in a meeting together,” he shrugged, as if being in a meeting with Armani was something he did every day. “I had it with me and I figured why not.”
“Tell me again what he said,” I insisted, my eyes bright with excitement. He’d already told me the story three times, but I couldn’t hear it enough.
Levi smiled, his sexy grin growing into a low chuckle that made his broad shoulders shake.
“He said your designs remind him of Donna Karan’s early work,” he said. It was like music to my ears.
“Seriously, she’s one of my idols. Her simple lines, her bold shapes…I couldn’t be more flattered.”
“Well, I’m glad,” he said. “You should be proud of your work, Chloe, it’s good.”
“Thank you,” I said, smiling across the table at him. “That’s very nice of you to say. You’ve been very kind.” I reached up, brushing my hair behind my ears. His eyes locked onto my finger and he squinted.
“Where’s your ring?” he asked.
“Oh,” I said. “I took it off.”
“That’s too bad,” he said, his green eyes warm and tender. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I said, raising my chin. “I am. Bear and I had…a fight…I guess. I thought we might work things out but I haven’t heard from him in a while, so I guess it’s over.”
“I see,” he said, reaching over and putting his hand on mine. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Thanks,” I said, biting my lip. I felt a tad guilty talking to him about it. I hadn’t even talked to Bear about it, but what did it matter? If he wanted to talk to me, he’d call. “It is what it is.”
“That’s true,” he said. “I think you’ll be pretty busy soon and won’t have too much time to think about it.”
“Do you really think I’ll get a job there?” I couldn’t believe what he was saying.
“I think there’s a very good chance. Armani took your portfolio. He told me he’s got a few other candidates that he’s considering bringing on as consultants for his summer line and he wanted to look at your designs a little closer. That sounds to me like you’ve got a great chance.”
“It’s such an honor just having him look at it.”
“I’m glad you’re happy, Chloe,” he said, his hand still on top of mine. “You’re a wonderful woman. You deserve to be happy. Bear’s a stupid man for letting a girl like you go…”
“Thanks,” I said. “I’m not sure where we’re headed, to tell you the truth.”
“Well, he’s a complicated guy.”
“That’s for sure,” I said, sighing.
I turned and scanned the restaurant. We’d met at Forlini’s, an Italian joint on Baxter St. that had high backed red-velvet booths and sparkling chandeliers. It was beautiful and I was happy to be sitting here with Levi.
The waitress brought out our food out. We’d both ordered spaghetti and meatballs and we dug in. I was ravenous and hoping like hell I could keep this down. I couldn’t believe how sick I was from this break-up. It was like I’d been run over by a train and all the damage was concentrated in my gut.
Breaking up with Harlan hadn’t affected me physically at all. In fact, I’d felt lighter after leaving him, as if a great weight had lifted from my life. This thing with Bear had my stomach in knots and my heart feeling like it was suffocating me at every moment. Even after this mornings purge session, I still felt sick.
“You sure you’re okay?” Levi asked, his fork frozen in mid-air.
“Yes,” I said, nodding, pretending, “I’m fine.”
“Chloe, I want you to know I’m here for you. I know we’re going to have a great professional relationship and I can’t wait to see where it all goes. But I want you to know I’m here for you personally, too. It can be hard to make friends in the city, and if you need anything, you can always call me. Even if it’s just an ear.”
“Thank you,” I replied, smiling. “That’s very sweet of you. I might just take you up on that. You do have great taste in restaurants!”
“I hate to cook,” he said. “I think I’ve eaten in every restaurant in Manhattan by now.”
I laughed, shoveling more spaghetti in my mouth, trying to shove all my feelings down with it. I was constantly on the verge of crying and even now, in the midst of getting the best compliment of my professional career, I still felt like a huge chunk of my life was missing.
Time, I told myself again, looking across the table at Levi, time will heal all wounds, they say.
Maybe having a friend in the meantime wouldn’t be so bad.
“Thank you,” I said, reaching across and grabbing his hand. “I do need a friend.”
“Well, you’ve got one right here,” he said, his grass green eyes sparkling under the warm light of the chandelier.
“When will it stop snowing?” I asked, as Levi and I walked down the sidewalk.
“Maybe in a month or so, perhaps a little more,” he said.
“I might freeze by then,” I replied, sidestepping a huge puddle of who knows what. I held my breath as I passed by, determined not to be assaulted by the deluge of the constant street aromas. I shivered in the cold, shoving my hands inside my coat.
I’d eaten way too much and now that we were out in the cold again, my stomach was clenching up from the cold, causing me to feel even sicker than before I’d eaten. I took slow, even breaths to keep the nausea at bay.
“Where do you live?” Levi asked.
“Not too far,” I said. “I can make it on my own, you don’t have to walk me all the way there.”
“Nonsense,” he said. “What kind of gentlemen would I be to not walk you home after dark?”
“Okay, thank you, Levi,” I said, trying to smile through my chattering teeth.
“So when do you think you’ll hear anything?” I asked after a few minutes.
“It could be a while,” he said. “A few weeks, maybe more. Georgio doesn’t do anything
in a hurry.”
“I see,” I said. I needed to start making plans. My savings was dwindling, I didn’t want to use Bear’s money to get by and I didn’t want to ask my mother for help either. I needed a job of some sort. I probably needed to find a new place to live, too. The thought of it was overwhelming and yet I just didn’t see things going any other way. I’d feel better once I was on my own and independent, though.
This was exactly what I was afraid of before, being dependent on Bear and then having everything stripped away. I was beginning to feel glad that it hadn’t gone on any further, despite the intense pain I was feeling. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe after all the bad feelings went away, I’d be whole again.
Right now, I’d settle for not feeling like my tits were going to fall off from the freezing cold and that I wasn’t going to puke all the time.
We turned the corner near my apartment building and a wave of nausea hit me like a mack truck. I froze, hunching over as I lost it.
All of it.
And by all of it, I mean all the spaghetti and red sauce I’d just ravenously consumed came rushing out of me and onto the sidewalk, splashing up and hitting not just my beautiful black Frey boots, but Levi’s very expensive Italian loafers.
I tried to wave him away, but I couldn’t see much through the tears that seemed to think right now was a good time to start flowing down my face. I puked for what seemed like hours, but was probably only a moment, but what it lacked in time, it made up for in volume and color.
I’d never been more embarrassed.
“Oh, Chloe,” Levi said, handing me a handkerchief. If I hadn’t been so embarrassed, I’d have been charmed by the fact that a man in the year 2017 was actually carrying a handkerchief. I grabbed it from him thankfully and wiped my face.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, finally standing up.
He shook his head, his brow wrinkled in concern.
“Don’t be,” he said, putting an arm around me and guiding me down the street, my dinner left behind on the sidewalk, “let’s get you home.”
I nodded, leaning into him as he led me all the way to my apartment.
