“Well, he doesn’t want to get away. And I don’t think I do either.”
“But?”
“Marriage is a big fucking deal, Angelica.” Leah bolted upright. “Look at you. You were a mess when Noah asked you just to date him.”
Angelica held up her hands. “Don’t make this about me! I have my own issues. We’re talking about yours right now.” She ignored the little flash of wistful imagination that sent a mental picture of herself in a gauzy white gown, standing with Noah under the blooming wisteria in the backyard of her inn under a warm California sunset.
“Do you think you’re ready to get married?” Angelica asked, pushing that fanciful notion deep down into the black pits of her soul where it wouldn’t bother her again.
“I have no idea.”
“Do you want to find out?” she pressed.
Leah was silent for a long time, but then said, “Maybe.”
“What are you going to say to Roger?”
“I don’t know.”
Angelica leaned forward to hug her friend. “Well, if you say yes, I want to be a bridesmaid. And if you say no, I’ll take you out drinking and buy a fancy dress anyway. How’s that?”
Leah hugged her back, resting her forehead on Angelica’s shoulder. “Bases covered. You’re a good friend.”
“So are you,” Angelica said. “The best.”
When Noah called to ask Angelica to dinner a week later, she could tell by his tone he’d come to some kind of decision. They’d run into each other a few more times during the week, but the vaguely friendly exchanges they’d been having before he’d picked her up at the airport had transformed into something warmer and more anticipatory, though they hadn’t really said more than a few words. And by god, she missed touching him.
They’d settled on an early dinner at Frankie’s—where else?—and she dressed with care, aware of every caress of the silk blouse over her skin as she slid it on. She paired it with tight, dark-washed jeans—not the boot-cut ones she wore on a daily basis, most of which were now firmly cemented with various house products. No, these jeans were the ones she saved for occasions when she wanted her curves to do the talking. If Noah had come to the right decision, he’d be rewarded. If he hadn’t, well, he’d know what he was missing out on, that was for sure.
She slid into the booth opposite him and smiled as he handed her a glass already filled with wine. “Yours?”
“Special bottling, just for Frankie’s,” he said with a matching smile. He’d chosen a booth along the side wall this time, not the window table and not the quiet, private corner booth. She tried not to overthink what that might mean.
“Thanks,” she said, taking a sip. The wine rolled down her throat, crisp and clean.
“You look great,” he said.
“Thanks,” she said again, then pursed her lips as she realized she was mindlessly repeating the same word over and over. “What are you having?”
“Carnitas, I think.” He nodded thoughtfully. “You?”
“That sounds good, actually. If I can’t have the tacos. When’s that petition going through?”
“I need like three more signatures before there are so many that the White House is legally obligated to address it.”
“Nice.” She laughed.
They managed to place their orders, drink more wine, and get through dinner with small talk before Angelica got up the nerve to bring up what they were here for.
She set her fork down after one last bite of tender pork, the clink of it hitting the plate seeming to echo through the entire room. “So, what did you really want to talk about?”
There was a pause as he sipped his wine again. Then he said it. The word she’d been waiting for.
“Us.”
She sat back in her seat, exhaling. “All right. Let’s talk about us.”
Chapter Nineteen
Us. There, he’d said it. But that was only the first step in making Angelica his. Noah knew he had a lot to make up for, but he would gladly spend the rest of his life trying if she’d let him. Now, he just needed to convince her that he was worth the risk.
“First,” he said, setting his glass to the side, “I owe you a massive apology.”
Angelica opened her mouth to interrupt him, but he shook his head. “Please, let me finish.”
When she gritted her teeth and sat back in the booth, Noah reached across the table and set his hand atop hers. Squeezing it gently, he continued, “I haven’t always been fair to you. I know now that it had nothing to do with who you are and everything to do with who I am. Who I’d become without even realizing it.”
“What do you mean?” she asked, pushing her plate aside and smiling at the bus boy who’d stopped by to clear their table.
Noah dragged his eyes away and stared out over the busy restaurant for a few moments. Dimly, he was aware of the sound of Max’s laughter, the clinking of glasses, and the chatter of happy patrons, but all he really could hear was the sound of his own heart beating a whir in his head. Thump, thump, thump.
While it had been difficult to discuss all of this with his therapist, doing so with the woman he loved and wanted to spend the rest of his life with was even harder. Especially since the things he’d discovered about himself, and the reasons why he’d been so awful to Angelica in the first place, weren’t exactly points in his favor. Still, all he could do was be honest and hope for the best.
But before Noah could answer, their waiter approached. “Would you care for dessert this evening? It’s not on the menu, but we’ve got a triple chocolate brownie for two, paired with a coffee ice cream made with espresso from The Beanery.” Max was nothing if not encouragingly unsubtle.
Noah raised his eyebrows to Angelica, who patted her stomach. “Sorry, none for me. Max outdid himself with those carnitas.”
The waiter eyed Noah. “None for me, thanks. Just the check when you get a chance.”
The waiter pulled a small folio from his apron and set it on the table, letting them know he’d be back shortly.
Noah placed enough cash inside to cover the bill and a generous tip for the staff, and then canted his head toward the door. “It’s a beautiful night. Want to take a walk around the square with me?”
Angelica slid across the leather banquette and shrugged into her jacket. When she’d finished wrapping the paisley scarf around her neck, Noah set his hand on the small of her back and led her from the restaurant, waving to Max as they went.
As they strolled down the sidewalk hand-in-hand, the storefronts lining the square glowing from within, they made more small talk. Noah described an interview he’d done for a national profile on winemakers under forty, while Angelica brought him up to speed on the latest with the inn’s renovations. When they reached the end of the square, he pulled her off the sidewalk and into the park, toward the center gazebo. The delicate structure had been decorated with gourds in every shape, size, and color in anticipation of the coming Harvest Fair.
They took a seat on one of the iron benches that wrapped the edges of the gazebo and Noah wrapped an arm around Angelica’s shoulder, savoring the feel of her against him. There’d been a few dark moments when he thought he might never get to touch her again. Might never deserve to touch her again. Then again, he thought, this might only be a temporary reprieve. His heart kicked in his chest, and his belly churned with uncertainty. He’d unraveled so much in a short time working on making himself better, and he still sometimes felt as though he might tangle up again. Especially when he was trying to prove himself.
Almost as if Angelica could sense his anxiety over the coming discussion, she scooted out from his embrace and said, “Not that I’m not enjoying this, but you mentioned something about a realization you’d had?”
Noah twisted on the bench and rested his arm on its back. “I’ve always considered myself a feminist. I’m a hard advocate for equal pay for everyone I employ, I participate in the March for Women every year, and I pay attention to the issues surrounding w
omen’s rights. I know I do.” He cleared his throat uncomfortably. Saying that had been easy; this was the harder part. “The problem is, I … uh … apparently harbor some antiquated notions of what I’m looking for in a relationship.”
“I’m not sure I’m following,” Angelica said, her head tilting to the side as she studied him, her eyes reflecting the glittering white fairy lights that had just flashed on in the square.
I could get lost in those eyes, Noah thought briefly before explaining himself. “You met my mother. I’m sure you didn’t miss the fact that she’s not the warmest person in the room.”
Angelica opened her mouth to speak, but then closed it and shook her head. “Nope, not going there.”
He chuckled. “I love my mom, really. But I always wanted her to be a different type of mother. The one who would kiss my knee when I fell down, or who would bring sliced oranges to my baseball games.”
“Sounds like my mom. Of course, she also got thrown out of a few of my games for yelling at the ref. You take the good with the bad, I suppose,” she said, her luscious mouth splitting in an impish grin.
Unable to return it, Noah dropped his eyes and stared at the black veining in the marble floor. “My mom never went to my games, no matter how many times I asked her to.”
“I’m sorry,” Angelica replied, her voice filled with sympathy, as she set her hand on his shoulder. “That must have been difficult for you.”
He nodded once, briskly. And then he pulled a deep breath into his lungs. Better to get this over with, he thought. “The thing is—and I know it’s old fashioned and backward—but I need to know the woman I’m with will always put our kids first.”
Angelica’s brows furrowed into a deep vee, and then she pulled her hand away and leaned back, putting a few extra inches between them. “And you don’t think I’m that sort of woman.”
It wasn’t a question so much as a statement of fact. Which was why Noah owed her an apology and explanation. “It’s not that. I actually think you’d be a great mom,” he said, raising his eyes to hers. The problem was, he wanted her to be his kids’ mom, but was afraid their timing was all off. That no matter how much he might love her their lives weren’t compatible.
“I hear a ‘but’ in there somewhere.”
Noah scanned the square briefly and then dragged his eyes back to Angelica. “I’m making a mess of this.”
Angelica sat up, her back ramrod straight, and folded her hands in her lap. “I have to admit, this isn’t how I envisioned this conversation going.”
“I know,” he sighed, and reached for her hand. At first, she resisted, but eventually gave in. He rubbed his thumb in circles over her palm. “I asked you for time to figure out my shit, and even though I’ve been a complete asshole, you gave it to me. The thing is, I want it all with you—the big house, the dog, the kids, and I want it sooner rather than later.”
Angelica sucked in a startled gasp and her eyes flew to his. Flicking between them, she whispered, “What are you saying?”
Noah wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her flush against his side. Once she was safely wrapped in the warm cocoon of his embrace, he explained, “I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you, Angelica. But I’m almost thirty-five, and I want to start a family. I want so much for those kids to be yours, but—”
Angelica pushed against his chest and leaned back, their eyes locking. She licked her lips. “Did you just say you want to marry me?” she croaked.
Noah’s lips hitched up. “Don’t worry,” he chuckled nervously. “I don’t mean tomorrow. But yes, eventually. Sooner, rather than later preferably. But—”
“There you are!” Ethan Lee interrupted, rushing into the gazebo and sliding to a stop in front of them. His cheeks were flushed, his coat was buttoned incorrectly, and his hair stuck up in several different directions. Noah had heard the footsteps thundering along the grass, but he’d been so wrapped up in Angelica he hadn’t looked up, assuming it was a jogger. Instead, it was his least favorite person in River Hill. Ethan beamed his goofy smile directly at Angelica. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you. You’re never going to believe the offer I have from RenoTV!”
“Hey, Ethan.” Angelica scooted further away from Noah and smoothed her long blonde locks into a thick waterfall over her left shoulder. He watched her take a deep breath before she asked, “What’s up?” Her tone wasn’t exactly friendly, but she wasn’t using words like ‘buzz off’ or ‘not now, dammit,’ either.
Noah couldn’t help but feel her retreat signaled the beginning of their end. Damn. He’d screwed it up again. Hadn’t been able to muddle through his explanations well enough, hadn’t explained that he wanted her happiness above everything. Fuck, he hadn’t even managed to tell her that he loved her.
Call it a premonition, but the physical space that existed between them now might as well have been the Grand Canyon for as far away as she felt in that moment. He’d said he wanted them to build a life together, and instead of telling Ethan to give them a minute, she’d turned her attention from Noah to discuss work.
Stupid fucking Ethan, Noah thought as he shoved his hands into his coat pocket. Always ruining everything.
Indifferent to the tense mood radiating in waves off the gazebo’s other inhabitants, Ethan forged on. “I just got off the phone with the bigwigs over there, and they loved the early footage we sent them. Salivating. They said you’re a natural.”
Angelica smiled thinly. “That’s terrific.”
He nodded, his big head bobbing with excitement on his pencil-thin neck. “It is! But that’s not all.”
Noah’s heart sank. He didn’t know how he knew it, but he was certain the next words out of Howdy Doody’s mouth would change everything.
“They want to give us a whole series!” Ethan bellowed, his eyes flashing with victory. “They’re ready to sign you to a three-year deal today. They want to set you up with a different project in a different location each season. Season one will obviously be the inn here in River Hill, and I was thinking next season we can go to—”
“That’s great, Ethan,” Angelica interrupted, rising from the bench to stop the flow of words and brushing her hands down the front of her jeans. “The thing is, I’m kind of in the middle of something here, so ....”
She glanced toward Noah, her eyes filled with contrition … and something else he couldn’t quite identify. Then, looking back to her producer, she continued, “Can you send me the details over email so I can go through them tonight, and we can talk about it tomorrow?”
“Um, sure.” His eyes flew to Noah’s, hard and glinting, before his face resumed its normal, good-natured countenance. Blowing into his hands to warm them, he said, “I have to say though, I figured you would have been a bit more excited by this opportunity. Breaks like this don’t come along every day.”
Angelica nodded. “I am excited. Thank you for telling me. We’ll chat tomorrow, okay?” She looked pointedly at him, and when it became clear she wasn’t going to bend on this, Ethan sighed and tossed her a tight-lipped nod.
“Fine, tomorrow then. How about we discuss the offer over coffee at The Beanery. Say 8 a.m.?”
“Make it ten and you’ve got yourself a date.”
“Fine. Ten it is then,” Ethan bit out, his eyes flashing with malice before he stomped away.
Noah wasn’t surprised by Ethan’s reaction. The producer had tried to mask his darker side the few times their paths had crossed after that first encounter at Frankie’s—and Noah’s terse, emailed rejection—but in the end, he’d shown his true colors. Ethan despised Noah for not agreeing to participate in the show or let them license his family’s name, and now he blamed Noah for Angelica’s restrained reaction, too.
At least their dislike was mutual.
Noah had considered telling Angelica how Ethan had gone ballistic during their one-on-one, but then things had become strained between them, and he’d decided not to interfere in her business decis
ions.
Now though …well, now things had changed.
He had changed.
Even if Angelica decided not to build a life with him, Noah cared deeply about her, and he wanted her to be aware of exactly what kind of person Ethan was, so she’d understand just who she’d be partnering with if she moved forward with this new opportunity. But because of how fractious he’d been in the past where the show was concerned, Noah knew he’d have to tread carefully. Especially since he was trying to prove to her he was a changed man, one who didn’t fly off the handle at the first sign of provocation.
“Sorry about that,” she said, drawing circles in the fallen leaves with the toe of her boot. She raised her eyes to Noah. “For what it’s worth, I wasn’t expecting that.” With wary eyes, she chewed on her lip, and her shoulders tensed, like she was just waiting for him to blow up at her any second.
Noah’s gut churned. Damn. He hated that he was the cause of that look on her face. This new opportunity was a huge break, and she should be happy they wanted to expand her show. But rather than being excited, she was worried about his reaction. So as much as he wanted Angelica to stay in River Hill with him, he put on his big boy pants and did the right thing.
“I know.” Noah tugged Angelica into his embrace. With his arms wrapped around her waist, and his chin resting on the top of her head, he said, “Congratulations, sweetheart. I’m proud of you.” He dropped a kiss to her hair and leaned back. “You deserve every good thing that comes your way, Angelica.”
She searched his face for a few brief seconds, and then shook her head and huffed out a laugh. “I honestly don’t know what to say. I thought for sure you’d be angry.”
Noah led her back to their bench, and taking her hands in his, explained, “I don’t love the idea of you leaving, but I … I love you … and I want you to be happy. I know this show makes you happy.” When her eyes shone with gladness, Noah knew he’d said the right thing, even if his chest hurt and his belly churned with acid. Thank God he’d managed to get it out. He wanted her to hear it, no matter what happened. She deserved it.
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