Gaia wasn’t used to bending for anyone. She had her own business, partly because she wanted to be the master of her own destiny and partly because she couldn’t work for other people. Somehow she always ended up being fired or leaving in a flurry of bad grace and mutual dislike.
But she owed it to Wave and Kenjan to be better than that this time.
She didn’t know what her responsibility was to Stinger and Sharkey, but the idea was beginning to creep in that sending them back to say that they’d failed would cause some great harm to befall them. Would they be killed? While part of her mind felt gratified by that, since Sharkey had been perfectly willing to kill her, another part felt horrified and disgusted.
Gaia was not a deep thinker; she relied on action. She needed an action to keep her on track. She needed to feed someone. Luckily, there was someone waiting to be fed. She retrieved the basket and carried it to Kenjan.
“Keep one, for yourself.”
Gaia said, “I hate clams.”
“Then keep one for Wave.”
Gaia reached into the basket and took one rough, barnacle-covered clam.
Kenjan nudged the basket back toward her. “And one each for Stinger and Sharkey. They are good and faithful guards.”
“They’re homicidal.”
“They simply have no education.”
Taking Kenjan at its word, Gaia picked up two more clams. The basket then contained only three.
Kenjan rolled over onto its back. Its cranial tendrils spreading out from its face like stripy hair. It twirled a tentacle around its finger. “You can feed me three meat tacos with no cheese.”
Chapter Thirteen: The Infinite Pain of Love
The case said Live Fish. Gaia unfastened the locks carefully, making sure the shipping container was right-side-up and the expiration date far in the future. She’d once received a case of supposedly live salmon that had been packed for three years. It was the vilest thing that she’d ever seen, even in a professional kitchen where vile things were fairly routine.
Roy crossed his arms.
“It’s really amazing the things we humans will do to make sure we have every conceivable pleasure.” He glared at the case in condemnation.
“Yeah.” Cheryl draped her arm around Roy’s hips. “I hate that we have toilet paper up here.”
“It’s not the same thing. These are living animals encased in an apparatus designed specifically to keep them alive on a voyage through space until they’re slaughtered for our consumption.”
“So you don’t want any clams then?” Gaia popped the lid open.
“Absolutely not!”
“Cheryl?” Gaia asked.
“I’m allergic to shellfish. Thanks though,” Cheryl said. “It’s weird that they can’t grow clam tissue in the meat lab.”
“They can,” Gaia said. “They grow it the same way they grow chicken and beef tissue.”
“Then why bother to order these things?” Cheryl poked at the barnacle-encrusted shell.
“I thought it would be neat for Wave to see what real human clams looked like.” Gaia counted her merchandise. “Thirty-six succulent bivalves born in the Sea of Japan.” She turned to the rest of the shipment. “I think they shorted us on sanitary towelettes, though.”
“It’s just barbaric.” Roy crossed his arms. “They’re alive.”
“It’s okay, honey. It’s for the alien.” Cheryl patted Roy’s side.
“I suppose,” Roy said. “Where is Wave anyway?”
“Wave is concocting.” Gaia turned toward the door and hollered, “Wave!”
Wave emerged from the back kitchen bouncing and vibrant.
“Hello! Hello, my comrades. Hello,” Wave chimed out. The alien made the O’s unnecessarily long and melodic.
“Have you made any progress?” Gaia asked.
“Oh, yes, certainly. I’ve come up with two snacks that are sure to be pleasant.” Wave disappeared into the kitchen and then emerged carrying a tray. “This one snack is called Stunned Snake Snack with Orange and Pickle. Watch!” Wave opened its own personal orb and extracted a tiny wriggling snake. Holding it by the tail, Wave slapped the snake’s head against the counter. The baby snake twitched feebly as Wave skewered it to a midget dill with a toothpick, placed it in a paper boat and splashed it with a thimbleful of orange.
“See? It still struggles, but no bites. The pickle-bed and skewer keeps it from running away and the orange is a taste sensation.”
Roy’s normally rosy cheeks were turning the color of old cheese. “Wave, that is truly disgusting.”
“It is?” Instantly, all Wave’s enthusiasm faded.
“I think it’s brilliant.” Gaia kept her eyes off the spasming snake. This was the truth of Kishocha dining. They ate food live. “How much would you sell it for?”
“Two beads,” Wave said shyly. The Kishocha stared at Roy with a hangdog expression. “I am disgusting?”
“No, no.” Roy tried to recover, but his obvious repulsion hindered his ability to lie. “I’m just scared of snakes.”
“You are?” Wave was incredulous. “But they’re so stupid!”
“I know. It’s like…” Roy stared at the twitching snake.
“It’s like bits-o-bakun,” Gaia interjected.
“Like that?” Wave’s tendrils shot out around its face as they did when the alien became alarmed. Gaia wondered if it wasn’t the same sort of reaction as cats getting fluffy when threatened.
Gaia said, “Just like that. Roy will get over being scared, like you did.”
“I am not over being scared of bits-o-bakun,” Wave said.
“But you will be, I’m sure.” Gaia gave Wave a reassuring smile. “In the meantime, excellent work. But I think you should stop with the snake treats for a while and see what you can make out of these.” She tapped the case.
As Wave drew near, a beautiful expression spread across its face. It approached the case with reverence and awe. “Are these…human clams with crunchy salty barnacles?”
“They certainly are.” Gaia felt ridiculously pleased with herself. “Why don’t you take them in back and see what you can make.”
“Can I… May I please taste my experiments?” Wave appeared to be holding its breath.
“Do whatever you like. The case is yours. I just want you to come up with a couple of things that are actually good.”
“I certainly can do that!” Wave clutched the case to its lean chest and loped on long, spindly legs into the kitchen.
Three hours later, Wave had eaten all three dozen clams, and sucked and chewed the barnacles off as well. Cheryl found the alien in its sponge nest, holding its massively distended abdomen, groaning and farting. She called for Gaia.
“You said you could eat human clams.” Gaia was alarmed by the size of Wave’s bloated stomach.
“I can,” Wave gasped. A huge fart ripped through the air. It smelled like a disintegrating frog. “I will be all right. I made three snacks.”
“What are they?”
“Excited Clam with Coffee Syrup. Which is a sweet refreshing treat.” Wave paused while another gargantuan wind exited its body. “Then I made Pounded Clam with Orange. Last, I made Sucked Real Human Clam with Tartar Sauce—that was inspired by the Fish Sammich here at Happy Snak.” Wave closed its eyes and nostril slits, squeezing out another painful volley of gas. “I think I ate too much mayonnaise.”
Gaia coughed. She wished she, too, had contracting nostril slits. “Are you sure you don’t need a medic?”
“I will be fine,” Wave whimpered. Gaia didn’t believe it. In a panic, Gaia went through her bedroom and ordered the shrine door to dilate, hoping to ask Kenjan what Wave might need, but Kenjan was nowhere to be seen. However, Sharkey was clearly visible just walking through the other door. Gaia looked at her watch. Offerings weren’t going to begin for hours. Sharkey looked equally startled to see her.
“Why are you here at this time?” Sharkey demanded.
“Why are you?”
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“I am retrieving my tooth-sharpening bone which I left earlier.” Sharkey bent and picked up the oblong bone. “Why are you here?”
“It’s my shrine, I can be here whenever I want.” Gaia hadn’t spoken to Sharkey since the Gaia-needs-to-be-exorcised incident a couple of weeks before. Now the guard gazed malevolently at her, chewing its sharpening bone. Gaia turned from Sharkey.
“Kenjan?” Gaia called. There was no response.
“Exalted Guardian?” Sharkey said.
“What?”
“Is it you who is making the epic stench?”
“No,” Gaia growled and renewed her yelling. “Kenjan!” Again, silence.
“Kenjan hides beneath the surface like an ugly.” Sharkey spit out a small piece of bone. “That one cannot hear you. You should splash for attention.”
“Did I ask for your opinion?” Gaia snapped. Sharkey rubbed her in every possible wrong way.
“Oh, I apologize.” Sharkey inclined its head. “I thought we were all playing democracy with you. Only Wave is, then?”
“How do you know about that?” Gaia demanded.
“It may be hard for your glorious personage to imagine, but sometimes, when we are out of your presence, we lower Kishocha speak among ourselves.” Sharkey shifted its spear to its other hand. “We use only small words, though, so we can understand each other.”
“Look, Sharkey, I don’t have time to listen to your sarcasm right now.” Gaia crossed to the shrine and splashed on the water. “Wave is sick.”
“Sick?” A note of genuine alarm crept into Sharkey’s voice. “The putrid stench belongs to Wave? What did you feed the servant?”
“A good question,” Kenjan inquired from the water’s edge. “I am glad to see that Sharkey has absorbed my doctrine relating to rude questioning of your betters. Maybe you can proselytize in my place, Honored Soldier.”
“Your words would be nothing but poison in my mouth, Ghost,” Sharkey growled.
“Can we not fight now?”
“I’m sorry, but I must. It’s part of my perverse and heretical nature.” Kenjan shrugged as though it was out of its hands.
Gaia persisted. “Wave’s really sick. Is there some kind of Kishocha drugstore or anything where I could buy something to settle its stomach? Wave just ate a lot of clams.”
“How many clams?”
“Around thirty,” Gaia said. “Wave was trying to make some Kishocha-esque entrees and just kept experimenting until it got really sick. Is there anything I can do?”
“Don’t let Wave eat so many clams at once,” Kenjan said. “That one will glut itself.”
“Careless!” Sharkey hissed at her, then stalked out of the shrine. She heard a splash as Sharkey dove into the waterway.
In spite of how much she disliked Sharkey, the Kishocha’s accusation stung. Gaia felt like she had when as a little kid she’d overfed her goldfish to death. “Should I call the doctor?”
Kenjan replied, “Does the fart odor bother you that much?”
“I’m more worried that Wave will explode.”
“Wave will not explode from gas,” Kenjan assured her. “And I think Sharkey is returning with a remedy.”
“Really?”
“Sharkey has always paid too much attention to Wave. I tried to stop it, but I suppose if I were a soldier, Wave would be quite beautiful to me—” Kenjan lolled in the water. “Speaking of guards, earlier I saw you taking Stinger’s gambling piece in exchange for a serving of the orange. Stinger does not understand that you are using it as a money piece, but I do. American Clan Humans like you are always talking about buying things from Kishocha. Now you’re trying to sell things as well?”
“Trade,” Gaia corrected. “We’re tying to work out a barter system. And it’s just snacks. It’s totally harmless.”
“Do you know how the gambling pieces are made, or how Kishocha gambling is done?”
“Of course I don’t. Do you?”
“Certainly. I will show you how some time. My Oziru loves playing Bones. I tried to teach my Oziru to play Las Vegas-style poker and blackjack. But the cards kept getting wet so we never got good at playing that game. My Oziru’s favorite human game is China Clan Mah Jong.” Kenjan sighed. “I wish I could lose to Oziru again.”
“How can you gamble if you don’t have any money?”
“You make gambling pieces, of course. Or you can have a servant make them for you.”
“But are they worth anything?” Gaia leaned forward.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, do you trade them for other things?”
“Like what?” Kenjan asked.
“Food or clothes or, you know, sex or something?”
“I would never do any such thing. Maybe someone who had lost their fingers and couldn’t carve anymore would have to give love for game beads, but that’s just sick. You are a sick and vulgar creature. But since I am perverse, I must grudgingly accept you.”
“I’m glad.” Gaia scanned the room, checking to see if Sharkey had returned. It hadn’t. “Are you sure Sharkey went to get medicine?”
“I am sure.” Kenjan deteriorated into its unraveled posture. “Be patient.”
Gaia scowled. “I don’t like Sharkey.”
“No one likes Sharkey,” Kenjan said. “Though the guard is an excellent example of the intelligence of the lower castes. One should never underestimate that one, or assume Sharkey to be ignorant in any matter. But here, the guard returns! We are lucky to have a guard-post nearby.”
Sharkey strode across the shrine, its feet making echoing wet slaps against the shell floor. The guard thrust a slimy, red, wriggling nodule into Gaia’s palm.
“Here is the medicine,” Sharkey said.
“Thank you, Sharkey.” Gaia tried not to look at the cold thing quivering in her hand. She turned and headed for the door.
“Tell Wave not to eat so much,” Kenjan called after her.
Gaia took a deep breath and re-entered Wave’s room. Roy and Cheryl were debating the merits of an arcane German stomach remedy and ignoring the customer knocking on the front counter. They were trying to decide if the German stuff would actually kill Wave or give the poor thing some relief. Wave just groaned, and squeezed out a short, squeaky emission. Gaia’s eyes watered as she offered the wriggly thing to Wave.
“Oh joy!” Wave gasped weakly.
“Is that medicine?” Cheryl asked.
“So they tell me,” Gaia said. The three of them watched Wave pop the slimy nodule into its mouth. Wave began to laboriously chew the rubbery sea creature. “There’s someone at the front counter.”
“Right.” Cheryl’s head whipped around guiltily. “Customers.” She abruptly went to serve them.
Roy lingered behind. “Try and think positively and hang in there.”
Wave gave a lackluster thumbs-up, which Roy returned before he went to assist Cheryl.
“Is it working?” Gaia sat down on the damp floor beside the sponge nest.
“I think so,” Wave said. “Did Kenjan get it for you?”
“No, Sharkey went and got it.”
Wave gulped down the last of the nodule. “Sharkey?! Sharkey knows I am making this stink?”
“Yeah, sorry.”
“Infinite pain!” Wave curled up into a tight ball. “I am killed by embarrassment.”
“It’s not that bad.”
Wave thrust its muzzle deep into the moist folds of the sponge nest. “It is bad, but I am not sorry. The clams were good. But maybe next time I will not eat them all at once.” Wave forced a smile-expression. “See I am intelligent and learn from experiences.”
“You sure do,” Gaia said gently.
Upon returning to her room, Gaia was not completely surprised to find Sharkey lurking in the shrine doorway.
“Is Wave well?” the guard asked.
“Wave’s sleeping.”
Sharkey nodded. “Then I will not have to accuse you of cruelty to servants. Consider yourse
lf lucky.”
“And because you brought the medicine I will not accuse you of insubordination. Consider yourself equally lucky.” Gaia closed the door and flopped down onto her bed.
Sharkey really did pay too much attention to Wave.
Chapter Fourteen: Being Bad
Wave woke up shortly past ten-thirty, after Gaia finished feeding Kenjan, feeling physically better, but mentally worse. When questioned on its morose demeanor, Wave asked for a glass of orange. Gaia loosened Wave’s tongue with three shots of dye.
Finally, Wave confessed its confusion over Sharkey. “Sharkey is annoying, yet I think of the soldier all the time. And now I have farted in front of Sharkey! Horror! More orange.”
Once Wave’s cup was full again, Gaia got herself a beer, then a few minutes later a second bottle, then a third. In an hour, neither of them remembered the day’s events. A different subject engrossed them.
“Ketchup,” Wave said.
Reality stopped for a moment as the two faced each other across the table. Wave took a gulp of orange. Gaia toyed with the neck of her beer bottle. Then she leaned forward and said, “Mint chutney.”
Wave scrunched up its muzzle and narrowed its eyes. The Kishocha tapped the table. Its cranial tendrils vibrated gently.
“Anchovy-Cola Twist,” Wave countered.
Gaia stuck out her tongue. “That’s disgusting.”
“I win!” Wave thrust its fist in the air. “I have invented the most unlikely soft-serve ice cream flavor!”
Gaia was having the best time. No one had ever wanted to play her soft-serve game before. She took a swig of her beer. Wave drained its remaining orange. Shocking streaks of orange dye dribbled down the Kishocha’s chin.
“We should do something bad.” Wave gazed at Gaia intently. Its mismatched eyes seemed much weirder than usual. The gold one, encircled by Wave’s adorable black spot, seemed to be much closer to her than the violet one, which appeared to recede into its head a little.
Gaia said, “You know I think some eyeliner might make your eyes look more even.”
Wave cocked its head.
“Just a second.” Gaia went into her room, and returned with a black eyeliner pen and a tube of white liquid eye shadow. She’d ordered both a couple of weeks before when she’d first had the eyeliner idea and had forgotten until now to show them to Wave.
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