“It’s not about what you can take. It’s about what you need.”
“Then why do you keep asking me what I want?”
Mitch raised Danny’s chin again and stared at him in wonder. “That’s a good point. When did you get so wise?”
“I’m smarter than I look,” Danny said with pride. “Just don’t expect me to ask to be punished. It’s too hard. I need you and Antonio to make that decision.”
“Understood.”
Encouraged by his response, Danny forged ahead with the question left burning and unresolved at the pit of his stomach. “Why don’t you want to be with me anymore?”
Mitch’s heart stopped a beat. He dropped Danny’s chin, which fell to his chest. Smoothing away the hair from Danny’s eyes, he kissed the young man’s forehead. “I never stopped wanting to be with you.”
Danny’s voice trembled as he pushed his remaining fears out. “Then why do you avoid coming to bed? Whenever I try to touch you, you find an excuse to leave.”
Left with no other option, Mitch spoke the truth that was burning in his chest. “Every time I close my eyes I see him touching you.”
Danny could feel the restrained fury reverberating off Mitch. He knew that feeling all too well. To be filled with rage and to have no safe place to release it was something he struggled with his whole life. Up until recently, he had been directing most of it inward, and it had been slowly killing him, eroding away his self-esteem.
“Is that why you won’t touch me at night? Because you’re angry with me for what I allowed Stan to do?”
“Is that what you think?”
Since he had been in New York, Danny’s self-hatred was being bombarded with love, but it didn’t stop his conflicting feelings from bubbling over in confusion and pain. Alarmed by the tears around Mitch’s eyes, Danny began to sputter, “I-i-it’s okay, I, I’m mad too. I understand, I shoulda...”
“Stop right there. There isn’t anything you should have done. You didn’t do anything wrong. None of this is your fault.” Mitch paused to make it clear that he owned full responsibility. “It’s my fault. I was afraid I’d do something wrong. I didn’t want you to see my face when you thought of him. I don’t want to be the reason behind one of your flashbacks.”
The pain in Mitch’s voice told Danny that he wasn’t the only one who was being misunderstood. In that instant, it struck him that Mitch didn’t realize how much he needed him, all of him. He was more than just a safe place for Danny to vent his anger. As Mitch had been selflessly offering his body as a target, he was blind to how much Danny craved it as a harbor for the physical love he was still learning to express and struggling to accept.
Impulsively, Danny wrapped his arms around Mitch’s large torso, throwing his ear against his beating heart. “I need you to stop being afraid to touch me.”
Mitch was floored by Danny’s reaction. At a loss for knowing what else to do, he squeezed him back hard and conceded. “All right.”
Stunned by the sniffle that followed, Danny looked up at Mitch’s watery eyes and said, “I’m the same person I was before. I promise I won’t break.”
Mitch pulled himself together. “I’ll try to remember that.”
Imitating Mitch’s authoritarian voice, Danny replied, “See that you do.”
Mitch was tickled by Danny’s boldness, eliciting a small smile from him. The hopeful eyes accompanying the deep set of dimples that appeared on Danny’s face melted his heart. He ached to see more of it. Then, stealing the therapist’s line, Mitch said with a wink, “So, if I’m hearing you correctly, you’re saying that I can still be your Daddy.”
“Yes, Daddy,” Danny said, gleaming up at Mitch with a cheerful smirk, and a happy erection pressing against his jeans.
Chapter 3
Rings and Other Things
Danny was the first to pull away from their kiss in order to catch his breath. With a starry-eyed gaze he smacked his lips and blushed as Mitch stared back at him with heavy lids and wonderment twinkling in his eyes. The heat from their passion fogged up the windows of the jeep that was parked near the port. While Danny leaned into Mitch to listen to his heartbeat, he placed a tentative hand to the large bulge that was rising hard between their legs.
Mitch shifted with a lustful grunt. “As much as I’d like to continue where this is heading, we’ve been sitting here a while and I’m getting stiff.”
“Yeah, I can feel it,” Danny quipped.
Mitch smiled back at his silly pun. “And, I’d like to avoid drawing attention from a patrol officer who is likely to rap on the window and accuse me of kidnapping.”
“I’m not a kid, Mitch.”
“I’m well aware of that. Nevertheless, you barely look legal, and I prefer a little more privacy.”
“Aww, come on, Mitch, nobody can see us. We could do it in the back.”
“As tempting as that is, I’m too old to be taking you in the backseat of a car. Tuck that bottom lip in. We’re not that far from home.”
Danny bit his lip and tried to force a smile, but the corners of his mouth drooped as his stomach tightened. Mitch detected the hurt behind his pout. He knew it was holding back stronger feelings than Danny was letting on.
“Hey, why are you looking so glum all of a sudden?”
“I dunno.”
“It’s been an emotional day.” Mitch patted his hip. “What do you say we stretch our legs and get some fresh air?”
Within minutes they were out of the jeep and walking towards the harbor. They stood overlooking the Atlantic with a heavy wind blowing on their faces. Mitch draped a protective arm around Danny, drawing him in against his side. As Danny leaned in towards the warmth of Mitch’s body, he was transfixed by the rocking piers. He couldn’t help but to drift back to the vivid memory of a lonely summer day not that long ago.
“The last time I came here was the day you told me Ricky was partnering with the three of you.”
Mitch turned to him in amazement. “You rode your bike all the way out here?”
“I needed to get away.”
“You took the news hard. I thought you would have been happy to have Ricky with us permanently. He was always so patient and sympathetic toward you.”
“I love Ricky. Who wouldn’t? It was just...he’s so...perfect. It’s hard to compete with perfect.”
“There is no need for any of us to be in competition.”
“I know. But at the time I wanted you to think of me as more than a troublesome brat.”
“You may have been a troublesome brat,” Mitch teased, “but you were always considered more than that.”
“But, I wanted to be seen as a man.”
“At the time you were only seventeen.”
“Yeah, the world’s suckiest age.”
Mitch suppressed a chuckle. “Eighteen hasn’t been too easy for you either, has it?”
“I hate being the youngest.”
“Someday you’ll appreciate it.”
“Maybe, but I’ll always be the baby.”
“I thought you liked being my baby.”
Danny felt his body go warm. “I do, sometimes. But what do you get out of it?”
Mitch observed the way his boy tensed while waiting for his response. After a moment’s reflection, he said, “There was a time I never thought I could ever put someone before myself. I never understood when people claimed to love another more than themselves.” Mitch gave Danny a moment to straighten his face in response to how arrogant his comment sounded. “You think that’s funny, do you?”
“Uh-uh,” Danny denied with a smirk and a shake of his head.
“What I meant was, I never fully grasped the whole concept of love, of not only being willing to put someone else’s needs above my own, but wanting to.”
“Didn’t you love your family?”
“Sure, I have love for my family. You have to realize, my family wasn’t big on expressing affection. They can be hard to take at times, with hard views on raising
children. You learned quick to shut up and put up.”
“What about Uncle Steve?”
“My father has nothing but respect for that man. We didn’t see him often, but when we did, he left a big impression. He was the only person my father would ever soften his views around. I’ll never know the whole story about what happened during Desert Storm. They’re very private about it. All I know is there’s a mutual admiration between them. My father feels he owes Uncle Steve his life. He may not be an easy man to live with, but he’s a loyal man.”
Danny could hear the strain in Mitch’s voice as he spoke of his father. Mitch didn’t see or speak much of his family, and it was the first time it occurred to Danny how odd that was considering he was the only one with all his family living in New York. Danny shut out the thought that his own father was living somewhere nearby. He shuddered at the idea of inadvertently running into him.
“Is that why you’re so hard? Because of your dad?”
“Am I really that hard?”
Danny didn’t answer. Instead, he dropped his head and said quietly, “You must think I’m soft.”
“I’ve never thought that. Even if I did, there’s no shame in being soft. It was Uncle Steve who taught me that there is more to being a man than hard edges and rigidity. It takes courage to expose one’s softer side.”
Scoffing at the idea, Danny asked, “Why would you want to?”
Mitch smiled inwardly, surprised at how much Danny reminded him of his younger self.
Uncomfortable with the long silence, Danny finally lifted his head to look at Mitch.
Mitch smiled down at him and said confidently, “Why, to let love in, of course.”
For some reason those words made Danny flush. If he heard it from anyone else, he would have thought it corny. But Mitch was not one for sentimentality, and when he spoke, it sounded pure, like a simple hard truth.
“Did Uncle Steve teach you that?”
“He may have said something similar, if I had been ready to hear it at the time. But, no, it was Antonio. It wasn’t until I met him that I experienced for the first time the joy of giving myself to another. Antonio taught me how natural it was to love someone, to truly love someone.”
“You must love him a lot.”
“That I do.”
Danny looked back down uneasily at his feet. The question in his mind left unsaid, as he could not find a way to ask it that didn’t sound childish or selfish.
It wasn’t difficult for Mitch to surmise where Danny’s thoughts were turning. “I didn’t think it was possible to love another as I love him. And, in a sense, it’s not. I could never love you or anyone else, the way I love him.”
“I know.” Danny blushed with shame for wanting it to be otherwise.
“By the same token, I could never love anyone else the way I love you.”
Danny wanted badly to believe that.
“You appear doubtful.” Mitch tugged Danny closer to his side, shielding him from the biting wind.
Waiting for the gust to die down, Danny gathered his nerve to ask, “Why is it you like me? I mean, as a partner. I’m nothing like the others. I don’t even do anything to add to the household income. My education costs more than anything I make. And, I’m always causing problems.”
Mitch paused to collect his own thoughts. “I don’t know the exact reason why people feel strongly for some more than others. Nor will I deny that you drive me nuts at times. That doesn’t change the fact that I wouldn’t want to imagine my life without you. I don’t like being in control, as you boys often accuse, just for the hell of it. Having younger men to take care of opened me up to a desire I didn’t know I had–a desire to protect–to nurture. It provides me an opportunity to be the full man I was meant to be. Antonio is convinced that it was a higher force that brought you boys to us. When TJ sauntered into our life, he offered a sense of purpose for our domineering ways. Each of you boys fosters a need in us, and I hope we do the same for you.”
“But, for how long? No one has ever stuck with me before. You already had TJ and Ricky. Why do you need me? I bet you didn’t know how much work I was gonna be or how much trouble I was gonna cause.”
“Oh, I think that became apparent the moment I laid eyes on you.” Mitch laughed. “A part of me knew before my mind was willing to accept it that you were a young man with an enormous power to bewitch. If I were truly honest with myself, I knew you already had a hold on Antonio and TJ’s hearts, and I was your next victim. There was no way in hell I was going to let you go without a fight. And fight you did.”
Danny fidgeted, uncomfortable with hearing how Mitch was viewing him.
Mitch ran his hand through Danny’s hair, tilting his head back to expose his bright green eyes, rosy cheeks, and pouty lip. “Spirited little devil that you are. I admired your spunk and was captivated by your unwitting charm from the start. I never had a chance. Your tenacious little hands had such a grip on my heart I thought it might explode. It was frightening, sometimes, my need to protect you, to keep all future harm from coming to you. Then, as if overnight, you seemed to turn from a damnably endearing boy, to a fiercely enticing young man. There is no need for you to compete. You’re in a league of your own, with your smooth, tight little body, and beguiling impish face. You’re just the right amount of sexy, boyish charm.” Mitch accentuated his words with a pinch to Danny’s cheek. His dimples appeared when Mitch added, “I had no idea how attractive that combination could be, and I am convinced no one could pull it off better than you.”
Stunned, it took Danny a few seconds to regain his voice. “Really?” he asked with a crack.
“That’s the best part, you do it without even trying–without even realizing it.”
“I do?”
“You do. The question in my mind is not how could we love you, or for how long, but whether or not we will be what you need or want as you grow, and become fully the man that you are meant to be.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You’re young. You’re impressionable.”
Danny took offense and was about to argue.
Mitch silenced him with a finger to his lips. “You had a girlfriend once, did you not?”
“Well, yeah, but...”
“Sexuality is not always fixed. Look at TJ,” Mitch shook his head. “God help that boy. Still, he was older when he came to us, and well, he was always precocious in the romance department. Someday, you may feel compelled to be a family man, a father, or even a chance to be–well, not the baby.”
“I don’t care about any of that stuff.”
“Maybe not now, but we don’t always know what the future holds. When I was your age I had no idea what I wanted out of life, because I still didn’t know what possibilities were out there for me.”
“I know what I want, just like you do.”
“You’re young, babe. You may change your mind about things as you age. I’ve seen enough of the world, and I am quite clear about who I am and what I want.”
Hot tears were beginning to form around Danny’s eyes. Despite everything Mitch had said, he was mad at himself for showing his weakness. He fought the tears away with the back of his fist. He didn’t want Mitch to think of him as a child. He was certain of what he wanted, and needed Mitch to see it.
“Mitch, I might be young, but I know enough to realize what I’ve got, and to know I don’t want to lose it. Ever!”
“Aw, babe, I didn’t mean to upset you. There are very few guarantees in this world. I promise you this, I will remain committed to you and our relationship as long as you need or want it.”
Danny was fixated at the torrent of the waves that were rolling up as a harbinger of the storm to come.
“Look at me,” Mitch insisted. “I don’t make my commitments lightly, and I always honor my word.”
“I know, it’s just...Why? Why are you committing yourself to me?”
“You’ve been questioning that a lot lately, haven’t you?”
/> Danny’s bottom lip twitched unable to hold his fears at bay. “I-I mean, sometimes I think you might feel pressured into keeping me because you feel sorry for me, because you think I can’t take care of myself.”
Mitch grabbed Danny by the shoulders and gave him a firm shake. “You’re not listening.” Bending down to face him, he said with gruff impatience, “I love you, Danny!” He shook the young man again more forcefully. “Look at me,” he demanded. “I love you!”
Danny grabbed onto the fabric of Mitch’s coat to steady the tremors rippling through his body. Mitch caressed the back of his head and said, “I think at this point, it’s important for us to just accept that we are committed to each other now. If this is what you need, where you want to be, then I am thrilled to have you here. And, I will cherish every minute I have with you.”
“I won’t ever change my mind,” Danny promised tearfully into his chest.
It was too chilly to stay out in the wind, so after a short, comforting hug, Mitch walked Danny back to the car. “What would you think about getting those rings you wanted?”
Danny stopped in his tracks. His wet face lit up with nervous excitement. “Now?”
“Why not? We can exchange them on our trip. You still want them, don’t you?”
“Yeah, but you said we should wait.”
“It was just a thought. I didn’t want to rush things. But they were intended for Christmas, were they not?”
“Yeah.”
“I was thinking, maybe we should get them now, before winter is behind us.”
“Okay,” Danny readily agreed.
“You said you had money enough for three of them?”
“Almost.”
“All right, then. I know we originally agreed that we’d all each chip in, but what would you say to the idea of them being from the two of us–the oldest, and the youngest?”
“I’d say yes! That is if the others don’t mind.”
“I don’t think they would. Why don’t you pay for your Daddies’ rings? I’ll buy for my boys. With your leftover money, we can get them inscribed.”
“I didn’t think about inscriptions. What should they say?”
Holding Tight Five in a Bed 03 Page 6
