Danny lifted the clipping to read it. “This article says he ran back in without hesitating.”
“All I could think was, why did he have to save that family so they could all be together when I’ll never have my father again? I wanted my family back the way it was. I wanted my papa back.”
Danny tried to imagine what it would be like to miss a parent that way. “That musta’ been really hard.”
“Mama was crying all the time. She tried to shield it from me. Whenever I walked into a room when she thought she was alone, or late at night when she thought I was sleeping, I’d hear her anguished pleas of ‘Why?’ I was so mad at my father for leaving us like that.”
While staring at the picture of the man with Antonio’s warm smile and magnetic eyes, Danny’s heart began to ache. He leaned into the man he had grown to depend on. Antonio pulled him into a deep hug. “My papa had a white family who disowned his mother when she married a black man. I have cousins who went to the same school as me, who I never spoke to.”
“Why are people like that?”
“I wish I knew. Kids are always more accepting when they’re little. Once I started middle school I got grief for being light skinned. Even cousins on my mama’s side would tease me for being too white. I wish I had my pop to talk to then.”
“I used to get teased for being the smallest in my class. My father would grumble comments to my mother ‘bout not feeding me, and wondering when the hell I was going to grow.”
“Your father was ignorant.”
“My father was an asshole. You were lucky to have your dad as long as you did.”
“You are so right, my wise young man. If only I could have appreciated it at the time. Having a father who whispered encouraging things from the dead was far better than having an insensitive one to belittle me in person.”
Danny nodded in agreement. “Whenever I hear my father’s voice, it’s always filled with criticism. I wish I had what you had.”
“I foolishly thought I had things bad. Not having enough hardships can make one naïve and ungrateful.”
“Well, then I guess I should thank Jesse, cos you’re the opposite of that.”
Antonio let Danny’s words silently sink in before pushing himself to move. “Whaddya say we go back out with everyone and visit? It sounds like more visitors are arriving.”
Danny groaned. “Do I hafta?”
“Not enjoying my big noisy family?”
“I can’t understand half of what they’re saying. Even Mama C’s accent is thicker when she’s around them.”
“It takes a little while to get accustomed to new dialects. It’s not like your grammar is perfect.”
“Sorry.” Danny put his head down. “Truth is, I like them and the way they talk. It’s just, I don’t have much to add to the conversation.”
“I can see where it might be difficult. I know it’s not always easy being so much younger than most of us.”
“Don’t remind me.”
“Being young isn’t a character flaw. Nobody is expecting you to entertain us. We were all young once.”
“Maybe, but I’m a fuckup.”
“Get out of bed.”
“Please don’t swat me. I’m sorry I swore. It just flew out!”
“I’m not going to spank you.” Antonio picked up Danny’s pants from the floor and chucked them on the bed. “Get dressed. I want to show you something.”
Antonio threw on a clean shirt while Danny finished yanking up his zipper. Once they were sufficiently dressed, Antonio led his partner by his hand out of the room to a spacious walk-in closet at the end of the hall. Mounted to the walls were several shelves stacked with trophies. Red and blue ribbons were piled up between them. Gold and silver medals hanging from nails surrounded the empty space.
“Wow! Are all those yours?”
“They’re mine.”
“Why do you keep them in here?”
“I have no need to show them off.”
“Must be nice to take all that for granted. I never got a trophy for anything. AlI I ever got was some stupid spelling bee ribbon in elementary school. I represented my class and came in second for the whole school. My parents didn’t even go to it. I have no idea where it is.”
Antonio put his arm over Danny’s shoulder. “It’s their loss. I wish I could have been there for it.”
“It’s no big deal. It’s not like even I won.”
Antonio kissed the side of Danny’s face. “Second place is not too shabby.”
“You’re just saying that. You wouldn’t have cared about some crummy second place ribbon, not when you got tons of first place stuff.”
“My trophies and ribbons are not that important to me.”
“Mitch says you coulda went to the Olympics.”
“Maybe, had I tried out. It wasn’t in the cards for me.”
“Don’t you ever regret it?”
“I spent hours at the track–running in circles. For a while, I was running for a cure that didn’t exist. It was wasted energy. When it became evident that all I had was limited time why waste a second of it? If Jesse’s death taught me anything, it was the importance of slowing down to live in the present.”
“After Jesse died, you coulda went to Olympic tryouts with your times. Why not go then?”
“You mean instead of the funeral services?”
Danny shrugged. “Yeah, I mean, once he was dead. Dead is dead, right? Don’t you ever wonder what woulda happened if you went to the tryouts instead?”
“I suppose I could have went, if there was a purpose in it for me. If I had went, I may have made it, but the time I would have lost not going to the funeral would have haunted me for the rest of my life. It wasn’t a difficult decision. My Olympic aspirations were meant for someone who wanted it more than me, perhaps someone who needed it more than me.”
“It doesn’t bother you–what you missed out on?”
“I’m content with my life as it is now. I couldn’t say that when I was consumed with running to beat my best times.”
“Then why keep them at all?”
“Mama likes them. It’s also a reminder for me to focus on what’s truly important. Don’t get me wrong, hard work, determination, that’s something to be proud of. But a goal should never be something as superficial as a ranking or a trophy. The best man I can be, the best son, the best partner to you four, those are more suiting goals for me.”
Antonio took down a picture that was framed to the wall and brought to Danny. “That’s me at sixteen. Same age as you when you came to live with us.”
Danny smirked at the handsome boy with long legs. He had three first place ribbons in his hand and a medal around his neck. His face held the smug indifference of an adolescent who expected nothing less than success–with little patience for the camera.
“You looked cocky.”
“I was cocky. I had a chip on my shoulder the size of a boulder.”
“Really? Why?”
“Various reasons. I couldn’t see what I had. I focused all my energy on what wasn’t going my way.”
“Like what?”
“Oh, at that time in my life I was a typical adolescent. Trying to act like I didn’t care, when all I really wanted was to fit in.”
“Why would you want to fit in when you were a superstar athlete?”
“When you’re young all you seem to notice is how you stand out.”
“I wouldn’t have minded standing out like you.”
“In hindsight, I shouldn’t have either. Problem is we can’t go back. When I was a teen, I just wanted be like everyone else. Not feeling safe to express my sexual preferences in my neighborhood made everything even more difficult for me.”
“Yeah, I get that. Still, I’d have given anything to be tall like you. Doesn’t every kid want to be tallest?”
“Not every one. I was a scrawny kid with extraordinarily long limbs. I grew way too fast. It took a while for any meat to form on my bones. Coordinat
ion was the last to develop. I was gangly and awkward. I had a hard time living down that image of myself, even after muscle and body control caught up to the rest of me. In addition to that, it was the color of my skin. I was too white for my black friends, too black for my white friends, too gay for my girlfriends.” Antonio took a moment to laugh at himself. Getting more serious he continued, “As a result, I became disrespectful to the people most important to me.”
“Really?”
“Scouts honor.” Antonio lifted three fingers up.
“You were a boy scout?”
“Only while my father was alive. He was troop leader. I had no interest after he was gone. I was too busy being bitter about losing him.”
“Mama C makes you out to have been sweeter than her sweet potato pie.”
“I was a sweet kid, when I was little. That’s the boy my mama prefers to remember. After my father passed, I built a wall around myself. My uncles stepped up to offer discipline. That and running was the only thing that kept me from heading down a destructive path.”
“At least you could be proud of how fast you were.”
“I was arrogant. When my coordination finally caught up to my growth spurts, I convinced myself I was invincible. I was deluded into thinking I was better than others and didn’t need anyone. Instead of honoring my father’s memory, I was tarnishing it.”
Danny took down a large medal hanging from a red white and blue lanyard, and placed his over his head. He tried to envision himself as Antonio. Lifting up the medallion to read the inscription he asked, “Why?”
“He died when I was too young to really see him as human. I struggled to live up to the image I created of him. In my mind, he was this powerful and fearless superhero. Everyone loved him, and when they spoke of him it was all idealized.”
“Didn’t you love him?”
“Of course I did. I was just afraid.”
“Of what?”
“When he died, I was told I was to be the brave young man of the house and to take care of my mama. I wasn’t ready for that. I didn’t want to be brave and I certainly didn’t want a brave dead father. People were just trying to find comforting words. But, as a kid, I took things too literal.”
Danny took the medal off and put it back on its hook. “You only have yourself to count on. I figured I was on my own by the time I was ten.”
“Ah, but I wasn’t. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself that I was taking my mother for granted. She was working two jobs to make ends meet. She was also helping to raise my younger cousins. Mama was grieving the love of her life while trying to parent alone. When the pressure became too much, I started getting into bigger trouble.”
“You?” Danny asked in shock.
“Yeah, me.” Antonio chuckled. “The spoon my mother kept in the kitchen was no longer a deterrent. My uncles helped to curb things a little. Eventually, she saved enough to move us to a suburban area. She hoped it would keep me off the streets. I went from being too pale, to starting in a new school where I was just another black kid without a father.”
“I know what that’s like. Well, not the black part.”
Antonio hid a smile as he handed Danny his biggest trophy. The weight of it dropped in Danny’s arms.
“Sports was the great equalizer. I was tall and fast. People treated me with undue respect for my speed and athletic ability.”
“I coulda used some of that.”
Antonio gave a hearty laugh. “If you’re trying to humble me, kid, you’re doing a good job of it.”
Danny blushed. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be, I deserved it. It wasn’t until a coach got me into track that I started to make a turn. I excelled quickly. Driven to stay on the Varsity team, I kept up my grades. All my extra time and energy went into running. I envisioned myself with superhuman speed. It worked for a while.”
“That doesn’t seem so bad.”
Antonio put the trophy back in its place. “It wasn’t at first. In high school I ran all the time to escape and to fit in. I got real good and recruiters came. I even dated a popular cheerleader, but as you know, that wasn’t my true interest. I waited to explore my sexuality in college. Nothing serious until I met Jesse.”
“That’s when things changed?”
“You got it. We fell in love quickly but came out very slowly. We had two glorious years together. He died on the anniversary of the day we met.”
“No shit?”
Antonio waved his hand around the room. “See all this? It once meant so much to me–validation that I was worthy. All it is is bragging rights. Perhaps if I had pursued a track career I would have received more recognition, more money. All that is meaningless when you’re looking into the eyes of your dying lover. A boy who is trying to be brave for you, because he doesn’t want you to suffer for him.”
“That’s so sad,” Danny acknowledged.
“Don’t be sorry for me. I was blessed to have him in my life as long as I did.”
Danny was beginning to feel a wave of inferiority, like maybe it should have been Jesse to live instead of him. “Oh,” he sighed. “He musta’ been summin special.”
“That he was.” Swallowing the calcified emotional stone scratching at his throat, Antonio inhaled deeply and lifted Danny’s chin. “Who knows, had my father lived, maybe I wouldn’t have been a runner. Then, I never would have met Jesse. Had Jesse lived, I may never have left New Orleans. If I pursued running, I never would have gone to New York when I did. I never would have met Mitch, or any of you boys. I don’t know if things happen for a reason. What I do know is that I’m grateful everyday for what I do have.”
Chapter 8
Roots
Antonio had several aunts, uncles, and cousins he was close to growing up. More were piling in that evening for the house party. Mama Cecelia went out of her way to make it festive, yet welcoming. She asked Ricky’s assistance to carry the tall oscillating fan in from Antonio’s bedroom to help with the unexpected heat. Opening the door, he was drawn to a curious box on the bed.
It caught Mama Cecelia’s attention as well, and she followed behind him into the room. “Antonio’s father passed away when he was nine. He died saving a family from a third story apartment fire–two blocks from where we lived.” She sat down by the large box filled with mementoes of her deceased husband. “He was a firefighter.” Lifting up a commendation he received, she showed it to Ricky. “He was always doing things like dat–thinking about da safety of ottas’ befo’ himself.” Her voice got quiet as she thought back to the fateful night that altered her life forever. “A toddler was lodged behind a collapsed wall. It was reported dat officers were holding da mama from goin’ back inside as she yelled fo’ someone t’ rescue her daughter.”
Although she was not there, Cecelia was haunted by the screams of the woman that drove her husband to chase in after the flames. It was those high pitch screams of desperation that ate at her.
“Bustin’ through a window, Red was able t’ get da chile. He tossed her t’ da crew outside as da floor was buckling unda’ his feet. He fell three stories, breaking his neck. Covered in four-degree burns, he died a week later on ventilators. I never had da desire t’ marry again.”
Ricky was at a loss for words. “I’m so sorry.”
Mama Cecelia patted his hand. “Don’t ya fret over it, sweet boy. All t’ings happen fo’ a reason. I’m sure of it. Be a doll n’ bring dat fan out fo’ da guest melt.”
Antonio walked past his room with Danny under his arm as Ricky was unplugging the fan from the wall socket.
“Dere ya are. Where on earth have ya two been hiding at?” Mama Cecelia questioned.
“I was showing Danny my track trophies.”
Ricky beamed up at Antonio. “Why didn’t you tell me your dad was a hero?”
“I don’t like to rehash the past. My life is about my future.”
Antonio’s mother directed an inquisitive look at her son, surprised by the abrasive response. “Let
’s have a chat, dawlin’. We’re overdue fo’ a heart t’ heart.”
“Now?”
“Dere’s never a better time dan da present. Unless ya have summin betta t’ do?”
“No ma’am, of course not. Danny, could you help Ricky with that fan? I’ll be out in a few.”
“Sure,” Danny said, as he held the door open for Ricky. He caught the kiss Antonio blew before leaving to give them privacy.
Antonio sat down next to his mother with a sigh. “He set an exceptionally high standard,” he said, referring to his father. “I hope he would have been proud of me.”
“Oh, Antonio. Ya were da world t’ him. He would hold ya up in da air. Den throw ya up so high it would frighten me. Ya’d shout, More, papa! More! I flying!” she cheered, imitating the memory of her child’s toddler voice. “Ya never once doubted he’d catch ya. Ya really t’ought ya could fly.”
“I always thought he would be there.”
“Me, too. He seemed invincible. Always laughing–always bringin’ joy t’ everyone he encountered.”
“You were so sad after he died. Why didn’t you find someone else?”
“I had our son n’ da memories he left me wid. It was ‘nuff.”
“That’s not the advice you gave me after Jesse died.”
“Antonio, ya were so young. Ya had ya whole life ahead of ya.”
“You were young, too, mama.”
“I suppose I was n’ didn’t realize it. I also I figgered ya wouldn’t have been pleased if I brung another man into da house.”
“I worried about you, mama. I would have liked to see you with someone else. I worried I couldn’t be enough for you.”
“Oh, sweetheart. Ya were my world, too. I could see ya father in ya eyes. He had a soulfulness–a level of compassion dat went beyond da ordinary. I think souls like him don’t last long on dis earth. Dey don’t need t’ t’ make der impact felt.”
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