by Eva Luxe
I think of the young man stopped at the light beside me moments before and despite the words of Pastor John, I can’t help but think about what it would be like to be with a man. Not just go on a date or even kiss him, two things I’ve never actually done, but to physically be with him. What it would feel like to be held in his arms and what it would feel like to ultimately be penetrated by him. I shake the thoughts from my head and continue driving. I drive past a billboard advertising a new movie with an extremely handsome and well known Hollywood actor. In my eyes, Sunday isn’t the day or rest, but the day of temptation. I pull into the driveway and silently pray that I could afford to live on my own. Having these urges and living under Andrew and Colleen’s roof isn’t exactly easy. I unlock the front door and put the keys on the counter. I know they’ll be at the church for at least another hour. I have a spare moment alone.
I walk into my bedroom and start changing out of my conservative church clothes. I pull off my blouse and let it fall to the floor. I, then, shimmy out of my skirt and walk over to the mirror. I stare at my reflection and can’t help but admire what looks back at me. I know it’s vain to admire one’s own beauty, but I can’t help it. Even though I don’t really remember what my mother looked like before the drugs consumed her body and mind, I know that we have the same bright and beautiful eyes. Even on the drugs, they shone out like a beacon.
I walk over to the bed and sit down on the edge of it. I slide off my flats and toss them toward the closet door. Lying back, I fantasize about the film star…
I spread my legs and slowly bring my hand down on top of my panties. I move my fingers back and forth, feeling the lace fabric against my skin. I imagine the movie star running his hands along my thighs, spreading my legs wide. After several moments of movement, I feel a dampness spreading through my panties. A wetness, I longingly desire. In my head, the movie star has now removed my panties and has tossed them to the floor. And I do just that. I slide them off my legs and toss them into the air. They land on top of my desk chair. I suck my fingers, lubricating them and slowly touch a finger to the sensitive lips of my vagina. The sensation pulses through me in an instant. A sensation I know will continue to build with each passing movement. I slide my finger along the folds of my vagina, slowly and deliberately, my fingers become sticky with my wetness.
I hover just above my clitoris with one finger, knowing that if I go straight for it, the moment will not last nearly as long as I want it to. Instead, I slide a finger inside myself, letting my warm juices be their own lubricant. I slide my finger in and out, letting my orgasm build. Then I hesitantly add another finger, and the sensation is even more powerful. Fairly certain that I’m reaching orgasm, I slide my thumb along my clitoris, then each side of the sensitive button, forming circular motions that cause my body to go wild. My back arches and I bite my lip to stop myself from crying out. I move my fingers more rapidly and the walls of my vagina tighten around them as I reach climax. I slide my fingers out from my vagina and marvel at their glistening texture. My bodily juices covering the appendages.
I walk over to the bathroom and wash my hands thoroughly. Then I grab a clean pair of panties and put on my pajamas. I also toss the panties that landed on my chair into my hamper. The last thing I want is for Andrew or Colleen to be asking questions.
At dinner that night with Andrew and Colleen, I continue to hope that the activity I had been partaking in while they were away isn’t written all over my face. I know that would not approve of such a thing. When I was younger and first living with them, even the thought of masturbation scared me. I would have done anything to avoid being kicked out of their house. They had always been so good to me and wanted what was best for me. But even then, my urges and curiosities were too strong. I would wait until late at night after they had already gone to bed to touch myself. But even after pleasuring myself to full tilt, I would be scared out of my mind that they could some how sense what I was doing and punish me for it. Even years later, I still feel that guilt for finding pleasure in my own body.
“Are you ready for your first day of work tomorrow?” Andrew asks me as I stir around my plate of peas. I look up at him, surprised. I hadn’t heard a word he had been saying.
I pause a little too long before responding.
“Are you alright?” Colleen asks, concern on her face. She cocks her head to the side in question. I can’t help but be reminded of an energetic puppy hoping to be taken outside for a walk.
“I’m fine,” I say to them, continuing to look at my peas. “I’m just a little nervous. I’ve never had a real job before.” This isn’t a complete and total lie. Even the thought of lying to them about what’s going through my head makes me sick to my stomach.
“I’m sure you’ll do fine,” Andrew says, finishing up his dinner, but not his thoughts. He gives Colleen a look and she nods her head, encouraging him.
“There was something that we wanted to talk to you about, Grace.”
I look up at his voice and wonder exactly what this could be about. I put down my fork and give them my full attention.
“What is it? Is something wrong?”
“No, nothing’s wrong,” Andrew says. He gives Colleen another look and this time, I don’t miss the shared exchange.
“We wanted to talk to you about the fact that tomorrow you’ll be in an environment unlike the one you’ve been exposed to in the last few years.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, wondering exactly where this conversations is leading.
“I mean, you’ll be in an environment with men. Young men and older men. Men who are your superiors and men who are your equals. We just want you to be careful around these men. They could lead you into temptation. It’s best for you to wait for the right person.” Andrew says this all matter-of-factly, lacing his fingers together on the table.
“But how can I just sit and wait for the right person? Isn’t this a good thing that I’ll be around someone who might be that person?” I ask, not fully understanding where they’re coming from. There had been times in the past where I would meet a boy and think that he was potentially the one. But Andrew and Colleen had never agreed. They had always found something wrong with any of the boys that I had feelings for. He was never the right guy for me. Their constant advice had been for me to wait. And it’s all I’ve been doing since.
“All we’re saying is that God will send you the right one. So, keep waiting for him. Temptation will only get you somewhere you don’t want to go.” Andrew gets up from the table, picks up his dishes and takes them into the kitchen. Colleen follows a few minutes later. The discussion is over. In fact, most discussions with them feel like lectures. I know they mean well, but I can’t help but question them sometimes.
However, in this case, they might be right.
Chapter 3 – Grace
I wake up the next morning with a pit in my stomach. The nerves of starting a new job start flying every which way as I get dressed. I stand in front of the mirror and inspect my business casual ware. Upon approval and several deep breathes, I leave the house.
I pull into the parking lot of an extremely large building. It’s covered floor to ceiling in windows, giving off a vibe of high importance. After sitting with the car idling for a moment, I gather my courage and walk into the building.
I walk up to the front desk and meet the eyes of the receptionist. She smiles warmly at me. “Can I help you?”
“Hi,” I say, looking around. Several conference rooms catch my eye with men and women dressed to the nines. I suddenly feel dangerously underdressed. I make a note to step it up tomorrow. “I’m the new…”
“You must be Grace,” she says and I nod my head in confirmation. “Welcome to Ainsley. Someone will be right with you to show you around. You can take a seat.” She gestures behind me and I see several cushioned chairs. It has the feel of a doctor’s office waiting room, but with less anxiety flooding the air. The only anxiety in this particular waiting room is my own.
His eyes trail along my legs as I uncross them for the umpteenth time and follow along my entire body. He eventually meets my eyes. I feel myself blush at the notion that this extremely attractive man has clearly just checked me out. Thank God, I’m wearing underwear.
“Grace?” Even his voice his is unexpected. It’s low and gravely. Not quite southern, but close. He smiles a wide smile at me and I feel myself blush harder. “I’m Boyd Ashdown. You’ll be working for me. Would you like a tour?” He holds out his hand to me and I shake it hesitantly. Damn, I had been told to always have a firm handshake upon greeting new people. I make another mental note and store it for later.
“Doesn’t an assistant usually handle things like that?” I ask, getting up from my seat. I pull my skirt down ever so slightly, conscious of his eyes on me. He silently watches me shift the fabric against my legs. “Who am I to receive such a special privilege?” I fall into step beside him as he heads toward the elevator bank. I surprise myself with how upfront I’m being. Mr. Ashdown, however, seems to take it in stride. I try and hide my embarrassment.
“I run things a little differently around here. It’s not as daunting or as corporate as you might think,” he says, pushing the button on the elevator. It takes a few moments before it reaches the bottom floor and I stand silently beside him. Neither of us make an effort to continue the conversation.
The elevator doors open and we walk in together. Several other employees get in after us and we’re pushed to the back of the elevator. His hand grazes my own for a moment and I look over to catch his eye. He stares straight ahead but I notice the small smirk on his face.
An employee turns around and notices us. I avert my eyes in the hope they don’t notice how uncomfortable and awkward I’m feeling.
“Hey, you’re the newbie, right?” he says, looking directly at me. “Mr. Ashdown, you didn’t have to show her around. I would have taken care of that for you.”
“Thank you, Noah,” Mr. Ashdown says. He crosses his arms and looks at me. “I don’t mind showing Ms. Bower around. She is going to be working under me. I should at least be giving her the attention she deserves.” He smiles at me in a friendly manner, but it’s a smile that says so much more. Noah turns around, a curious look on his face.
The elevator dings at the 30th floor and several people file out. I make a move to follow them but Mr. Ashdown gently puts a hand on my wrist to stop me. “We’re the 40th floor.”
We reach the 40th floor a few short minutes later and emerge into an extremely large and well put together office space. There are several large close-doored offices lining the walls and an open floor plan in the center. We reach the receptionists desk and Mr. Ashdown leans over the top of the desk to speak with the young man seated there. I stand awkwardly for a moment.
A young man walks past and looks me up and down, a smile on his face. For some reason, his attention doesn’t feel as welcome. He turns around and comes over to me, confidence and what I can only assume is entitlement, coming off him in waves.
“You seem new,” the young man says, leaning his elbow on the reception desk. His face is much too close to mine and his cologne is overpowering. I back up as calmly as I can. “Who are you working for?”
“Mr. Ashdown,” I say, quietly, hoping that this conversation will soon be over.
“Oh, good luck with that,” the young man says, puffing his chest out. “You’ll need it.”
“Why’s that?”
“Let’s just say, I know some things.”
I nod my head in response, forcing a smile and trying desperately to face away from him and his potent smell. Amongst other repulsive things. He leans closer, however, causing me to back up further and bump into Mr. Ashdown.
Mr. Ashdown turns around and notices the awkward position I’ve been put in. He comes around and stands beside me.
“Gabe,” Boyd says, addressing the young man, his tone forcing him to meet his gaze. Gabe, immediately drops the flirtatious act and stands up straighter, his face ashen. “Don’t you have work you should be doing? I believe Chelsea has been asking for those production reports for several days now.”
“Apologies, Mr. Ashdown,” Gabe says, crossing his hands behind his back like a boy scout. “I didn’t see you standing there.”
“That’s obvious. But regardless of my standing here, you shouldn’t be harassing any of the employees,” Boyd says. “Go and report to Chelsea with what she’s asking for before I report you to HR.” His tone is stern and commanding and Gabe would be an idiot to not follow his orders.
“Yes, sir,” Gabe slinks off without another look in my direction.
“I assure you that we do not tolerate harassment of any kind here,” Mr. Ashdown says, turning to me. “You are alright?” He looks at me with genuine concern. With Gabe gone, I feel immensely better.
“It’s alright,” I say, hugging my arms around myself. “Really, it’s fine.”
“You don’t seem fine,” he says, taking in my demeanor. “Let me take you to my office. We can continue the tour if you’re feeling up to it.”
I nod my head and I follow him into his office.
Chapter 4 – Grace
I enter Mr. Ashdown’s office and am floored by what befalls me. The large glass windows span the entire office, giving off an incredible view of the city. I walk over to the window and take in the scenery, a smile emerging on my face. I turn and walk around his shiny wooden desk, running my fingers along the surface.
“Is this mahogany?” I ask, picking up the placard on his desk. It reads: President Boyd Ashdown.
“It is,” he says, looking at me. He’s standing in front of the large bookcase, a hand rubbing the back of his neck. “If you’re going to work smart, you have to have smart tools.” I walk over to the book case and examine the books, reading each spine in turn. I find a copy with a particularly interesting title and take it out.
“Who said that?”
“I did,” he says, sheepishly. I can’t help but smile at his demeanor. I continue gazing at the large collection of books.
“You have quite the collection here, Mr. Ashdown,” I say, taking in the book titles. Each title looks more intriguing than the next.
“Please, call me Boyd.”
“Your other employees don’t call you that,” I say, looking at him. “Wouldn’t that be out of character if I spoke to you so informally?” I realize as I’m saying this, just how formal I’m being. I look away from him and back towards the window.
“The ones that respect me do,” he says, crossing his arms. “However, there’s a fair share of employees who don’t. Take Gabe, for instance. Don’t be surprised if you hear him speaking ill of me the next time he comes around.”
“He couldn’t seem to help mentioning that he knew somethings about you,” I say, picking a book off the shelf. “Things that would probably make you look bad.”
“I don’t doubt he believes that.” Boyd sits down on the edge of his desk and watches me, silently.
“He doesn’t seem all that…fond of you. I wouldn’t think that being your assistant would make him want to come around very often.” I say that with the hope that I don’t have to interact with him more than necessary.
“Oh, he’ll come around,” Boyd says. “Trust me. He slinks around every pret
ty young woman who walks into this office. ” He gives me a knowing look and I can’t help but feel like he’s looking right through me. He gets up from the desk and comes over to me. He places a hand on my shoulder and stares directly at me, his eyes lingering on my face as if to memorize its features. I can’t help but do the same in return. I break eye contact with him after a moment, knowing what I’m feeling is wrong. “If he or anyone does anything that makes you uncomfortable, please tell me right away.”
All I can manage to do is nod silently. His closeness has suddenly taken my breath away.
Chapter 5 – Grace
The next day, while trying to sort through paperwork for my immediate boss and failing slightly less than the day before, Boyd asks me into his office.
“You wanted to see me, Mr. Ashdown?” Upon his look, I rephrase. “I mean, Boyd.” I smile sheepishly at him and walk into his office. It still has the same awe-inspiring view as the previous visit and my breath is still taken away. In more ways than one.
Boyd smiles at me and gestures for me to sit in the chair in front of his desk. I sit reluctantly, knowing that attempting to sit still while he watches me will only make me feel more awkward. He comes around his desk and sits on it, facing me, in a way I only thought happened on television or in movies. I immediately get up from my seat and go over toward the bookcase.
I’m thumbing through the pages when he takes the book from my hand and places it on top of the desk. He stands directly in front of me, a little too close in fact. I back up slightly, but not too much as to cause him any offense. I hit the bookcase behind me lightly.
“I probably should tell you why I wanted you come to my office.” He says it matter-of-factly, but his eyes say so much more. I’d never been one to truly feel lust radiating off another person. In fact, I was never close enough to man to feel it. But it was coming off him in waves. His eyes were on fire and I can’t look away.
