by Eva Luxe
But Ramsey raises his eyebrows.
“PTSD doesn’t mean someone’s crazy,” he says softly.
“I… I know,” I say, realizing how insensitive I could have sounded. What is it with everyone continually reminding me that PTSD doesn’t equal crazy? And continuing to call me out for being such an ass about it? “I just meant that I know I don’t have PTSD.”
“Sure,” he says. “But if you did, it wouldn’t be such an awful thing.”
Why does he care so much? I study his face but it’s a mystery. I don’t think he’s trying to say he thinks I do have PTSD, because Ramsey has never been one to mince words. He’d just come out and say it. We’ve always been close like that.
Harlow interrupts our slightly serious conversation by punching me in the arm.
“But you were using your pick-up voice while talking to your lawyer,” he insists. “She hot?”
“Ha. Yeah.” I turn back to my glass on the bar, wanting him to drop it already. “But she’s super stuck up.”
“I’m sure you can soften her up,” says Harlow, with a grin.
“Stop. She’s my fuckin’ attorney.”
I don’t know why I feel so protective of her. I know Harlow is just fucking with me like he always does, teasing me about my tendency to go through girls like red lights. But she’s not just any girl. She really is my attorney, and she really is… different, somehow.
“Well, I gotta go,” Ramsey says, his hand clasping my shoulder as he stands up. “Early day tomorrow.”
“Me too,” I say, swigging back the rest of my drink. “Although, I swear if these trainees don’t start stepping up, I don’t even know how I can do this job. Could you imagine us just moseying down a mountain in Kabul? We’d all be dead. But these trainees act like they’re training for a day at the park, not a war.”
“I know nothing can compare to serving in the SEALs with your brothers,” Ramsey says, sympathetically. “But this seems like a good gig for you. You’re given free reign and you’re paid much better than you used to be—”
“And much better than Ramsey and I still are,” Harlow points out.
“And you still get to do what you love,” Ramsey finishes.
“But I’m not with you two. And I won’t get to be deployed.”
I know I sound whiny. There are still opportunities to go overseas as a private contractor if I want. But everything’s changed so quickly and I do miss working alongside my brothers. After all we went through as children, we have each other’s backs like no other men could. And it was an honor to serve alongside them as “brothers” in the military as well as actual “brothers.”
“Well, once you sort this criminal case out, I’m sure you can come back,” says Ramsey, always so supportive.
“But why would you want to?” quips Harlow. “Stay where you are and I want to come join you.”
Now there’s an idea.
“Yeah, first thing’s first,” I say, as I stand up to leave.
I say goodbye to my biker friends as we get ready to leave. They tell me to come back soon and that they’ll buy me a round to celebrate my escape from the slammer. I think I’m ready to join up with them, and even if Harlow and Ramsey don’t understand, these guys have become like a second family to me. Harlow and Ramsey still have our SEALs family to count as their figurative brothers, but I don’t. So I need the Desert Dogs.
As we walk outside to the parking lot, Ramsey follows me to my bike instead of heading to his car.
“I’m glad you found some friends here,” he says.
“Thanks.”
I stare at him, thinking his nice comment is really just a lead-in to tell me to be careful, or that motorcycle clubs are notoriously rough, or something along those lines. But he doesn’t say anything further.
“I didn’t mean to upset you about the whole PTSD thing, either,” he says.
“Well, it’s kind of upsetting, Ramsey. My last lawyer, Dylan— from the VLA? Before I fired him? He sent me to go see this shrink who specializes in PTSD. I had to answer all kinds of prying, embarrassing questions about my past. Mom, Harlow, the war, everything. All so he could find some bullshit reason to say I have PTSD.”
“And did he?” Ramsey asks, with that look of curiosity returning to his face.
“Did he what?”
“Conclude that you have PTSD?”
“I don’t know. I’m assuming he did. His whole job is to testify that I have PTSD. But I never found out because I fired Dylan before he received the report from the doctor.”
“I think maybe I should see that doctor.”
What? I look into Ramsey’s eyes and they look resigned and sad.
“I’ve just not been sleeping well at all. Night sweats. Really bad dreams. Drinking too much. I don’t want to turn out like Mom. I think I should get some help. And my overreactions have been off the charts. You know that girl I was seeing briefly? Nadia?”
I nod.
“I didn’t tell you this because I was too embarrassed. But we broke up because I went on a binge and then accused her of cheating on me, just because I saw her hug a guy at a club. It turned out it was her cousin. I felt like such an idiot. I looked up my symptoms and apparently they’re all classic PTSD indicators.”
This doesn’t sound like my brother at all. Ramsey is always the cool, calm, collected one. He’s my rock and my go-to guy for advice, support and help.
“But you’re so strong,” is all I can manage to sputter.
“Well, that’s the thing, Jensen. I know you don’t have PTSD. But you keep saying it as if anyone with PTSD is weak or crazy. When really it’s just something that happens to people. It affects them, changes them.”
“I… I’m sorry,” I say, and I wrap my arms around him in a rare hug. “I’ll get you this doctor’s info. I’m sure he can help.”
“Thanks, bro.”
He turns to walk across the parking lot and as I get onto my bike I still can’t believe it. I guess I seriously misjudged PTSD and the people who have it. And I sincerely hope Ramsey can get help. I suppose he’s been holding our dysfunctional family together for so long that even he could crack under the pressure.
I try to think positively as my bike careens around the curves and I head home. Ramsey will get better. I won’t be convicted. And I get to see Riley again soon. In fact, I have a “date” with my beautiful, fancy pants lawyer. Tomorrow evening just can’t get here quickly enough in my book.
Chapter 20
How’s your new office?
I look down to see the text from Brynn, and smile.
Of course my best friend would be the first one to ask about my new setup.
It’s great. Can’t wait for you to come see it, I text back.
Me neither, comes her quick response. I’ll bring wine.
I move my mouse wall art from beside the door to my office to right near my monitor. I've been here setting up my new office since five o'clock. Some lawyers in town told me they'd hire me to do freelance legal research and writing work, so I'd splurged on this office to have my own place to work— on both VLA cases and those contract rate cases.
I smile as I look at my wall art. It’s near and dear to my heart because my grandmother bought it for me when I passed the Bar. A cute little cartoon mouse smiles out at me and underneath him is a quote from Frantz Kafka: “A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a ‘brief.’”
It always makes me laugh. Just like memories of Gram. She’s gone now but she was the one person in my family who was sane. And she wouldn’t have cared if I was a lawyer or a cashier. She just wanted me to be happy.
I’ve been here setting up my office since five o’clock, and nervously awaiting Jensen’s arrival. I’d told Jensen I’d been working hard on his case, and that was the truth. But the rest of the truth is that I don’t really have any other choice.
His case is my only case right now, and I haven’t heard anything from my former firm. My days a
re pretty empty now compared to when I managed multiple complex civil litigation cases of my own, plus helped out partners on other cases.
I suppose that Jensen’s case is benefitting from all the free time I have to spend on it, as well as my personal feelings towards him. I know that he doesn’t want to use a PTSD defense, and the more I looked into his case and researched the PTSD issue, the more I began to agree with him that PTSD is not the best way to go here.
I called the expert that Dylan sent Jensen to, who doesn’t even think Jensen has PTSD— although I’m sure that his opinion could definitely be influenced or swayed. In fact, I’m beginning to think that’s what happened in the majority of the cases in which he’s been an expert. All the defense lawyers seem to think that a PTSD defense is the way to go, but I disagree on a case by case basis, for several reasons.
For one thing, if a current or former service member really has PTSD and needs treatment, of course it’s best for them to get the diagnosis. But it can carry some downsides they might not be expecting— I’ve read that a PTSD diagnosis automatically carries a 100% disability rating and that sometimes service members diagnosed with it are ineligible to continue in their military duties or even find employment outside of the military. There’s certainly an unwelcome and unfair stigma that comes with having PTSD that many would like to avoid.
And the most baffling thing, to me, is that automatically claiming PTSD doesn’t always even work out well for trial purposes. The prosecutor knows that most service members go for that defense and so they paint the defendant as all the negative characteristics of a person diagnosed with PTSD— irrational, rash, triggery, rage-fueled, etc.
If not played correctly in the hands of the defense attorney, the jury might be inclined to think the defendant is guilty simply because he has PTSD. I can definitely see Jensen’s concerns, and not just because I wish he’d jump my bones.
I had also told Jensen that I don’t usually meet with clients so late, but he’s my only client, and I have nothing else to do anyway. It’s not like I’ve heard from Charles. And I told Jensen his case was moving more quickly than I was used to, which is true… but something else is moving more quickly than I’m used to as well.
I just can’t seem to put my finger on it but something is definitely happening between Jensen and me. Which is really, really, really not a good thing.
My phone buzzes again, and I jump. Picking it up from my desk, I see another text from Brynn.
You finally do the deed with that hot soldier yet? She asks.
Oh, my God. Leave it to Brynn to ask about him just when I’m flustered to be seeing him. She’d told me that once I let him be with me he’ll blow my mind, and give me that orgasm I’ve never had.
I find it hard to believe, although ever since I broke up with Charles I’ve been putting the magic bullet to good use. I’ve gotten closer to feeling something that feels like a real orgasm, now that I’m “allowed” to let my fantasies run wild when it comes to thinking about Jensen, but it’s still not the same thing as what I’m sure he could do to me in person.
Navy SEAL, I text her back. And no. I don’t think that can happen.
Oh Riley, always being such a good girl, her text replies. Just drop the act already. I bet you you won’t regret it…
Very funny, I think, but I don’t text her anything back. Jensen should be here any minute, and the last thing I want to do is be blushing when he arrives.
Finally, I hear a strong knock on the outside of my office door, which is already open. I look up to see Jensen wearing a tight white t-shirt under a leather motorcycle jacket. His muscles and many tattoos are visible.
I almost get lost in a daze while staring at a dragon tattoo on his arm. And then there’s a color Dia de Los Muertos– Day of the Dead skull, with red, yellow, blue and green flowers around the eyes sockets and vines wrapping around the forehead.
Be still my heart.
That tacky line out of some ancient romance novel or B-rated romantic comedy movie is the only thought my brain is capable of thinking right now.
“Hey there, lawyer lady,” he says, and walks to the chair in front of my desk, which isn’t very far from the door.
It’s a small office and we’re in close quarters. He looks around at my sparsely decorated walls— just my diplomas, my bar license and my mouse art because all the art in my prior office was provided by Holt— and I can tell he’s thinking the same thing.
“Welcome to my temporary office,” I tell him. “It’s small, but it’ll do for now.”
He stares at me and says nothing for a moment, until I look down, feeling myself blush.
“Nice mouse picture.”
“Thank you.”
I laugh, but I’m touched that he noticed. It shows me he’s observant.
“They tell me you’re a civil lawyer at some big firm.”
“I was… or, I am. I’m on a temporary leave of absence. In the meantime, I’m working for Veterans’ Legal Alliance.”
And any other clients I can bring in on my own, I think, but I don’t add that, because it hasn’t happened yet. I could have shared the small VLA office but I thought it best to have somewhere of my own to go, and maybe, on top of the freelance legal writing work, I’ll impress the partners at Holt by snagging a few of my own clients to bring with me when I go back.
“I see.”
“Well, Mr. Bradford…”
“It’s Jensen, Riley.”
“Jensen.”
I start over, shivers running through my body at the casual familiarity with which he just said my name, and the way he just takes charge of the situation, even though I’m the lawyer and he’s the criminal. Accused, I correct myself. I’m the lawyer and he’s the accused. He’s my client. I’m supposed to be taking charge.
“I received the police report and belt tape from the prosecution and I have a few questions to go over with you.”
I cross the desk in between us and sit down in the chair next to him. We’re now mere inches apart and it’s hard to concentrate. The chemistry between us is palpable.
“This is a picture of the man you allegedly assaulted,” I tell him, pointing to a picture of a scruffy older guy wearing disheveled clothing. “Did you know him?”
He hesitates, and then says, “No.”
“You never met him before the… incident?”
“That’s right.”
“They’ll have trouble proving motive,” I say decisively, and he looks as if he wants to say something, but doesn’t. “I just can’t figure out why they would claim you beat up someone you didn’t even know.”
Silence fills the air.
“And I just can’t figure out why I have to meet a gorgeous woman like you in this context,” Jensen finally says, and reaches over to move a piece of hair away from my eyes.
Wow. Brazen.
“What context is that?” I ask, stupidly.
“Oh, you know. That you’re my lawyer. Representing me in this bullshit charge. Thinking I’m a dirty no-good criminal and all.”
Now I’m the one who is silent. But then I remember that I have a job to do, and I try to get back to business.
“That’s not what I think. But Jensen. I’ve been working on the more behind-the-scenes aspect of your technical legal defense,” I tell him. “I understand that you don’t want to go with the PTSD defense—”
“Right. But it’s not because I think that people who have PTSD are bad, or crazy or anything,” he interrupts me to say. “In fact, I think my older brother Ramsey might have PTSD and he’s the best guy I know.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I say.
“I just think that for me, personally, it’s not a good defense,” he continues.
“Okay, Jensen, I get it,” I assure him. “But right now, I just need to understand more about what happened factually. Why were you at the house where the incident occurred?”
“I knew someone else who lived there,” says Jensen. “Not him th
ough.”
His entire appearance is stiff and tense.
“Okay. Who did you know there?”
“It’s my turn to ask you a question now,” he says, leaning in close to me.
I blink, my heart speeding up. “Okay.”
“Can I kiss you?”
I inhale, surprised yet excited. This makes no sense. Even if I wasn’t his lawyer, he’s not my type.
But I nod my head, at the same time I ask myself what the hell I’m doing.
His lips are already touching mine, or more like tearing mine apart. His tongue explores my lips and then my tongue, which eagerly reaches out to meet his.
He smells like a mix of wind and steel, and he tastes like salt. This is… delicious. This is much better than any kind of kiss I’ve ever gotten from Charles, or anyone at all. This is…
…unethical.
“Wait!” I push him back, and he complies, but looks deeply into my eyes as if he’s more hurt than mad.
“What, Riley?”
Stop saying my name, I want to say. It drives me crazy.
But instead I say, “I can’t do this.”
Jensen raises his eyebrows at me, as if I’d given him a challenge.
“Ethically, I mean,” I explain quickly. “It’s forbidden for lawyers and their clients to…”
“Fuck?” he correctly guesses, raising an eyebrow at me yet again.
“Well. Yes.”
I fiddle with my hands in my lap, feeling too straight-laced.
I love the way he said “fuck.” I want to feel him do that word to me, instead of just say it to me.
But I just lost my job for being too ethical and it would make no sense to do the opposite now, on some whim. Nothing about this whole situation with Jensen makes any sense, though.
“So, there’s nothing saying they can’t make out?” he asks, and his tongue is back in my mouth, exactly where I want it.
I hold onto his hair while he puts a hand on my waist, bringing me closer to him while he kisses me. I don’t think they’re supposed to be involved romantically at all, I think to myself, but my head’s a mess. I can’t think straight.
