As the clouds cleared, Miles looked around, ready for his first glimpse of the afterlife. And he saw…socks! Millions and zillions of socks. Tube socks. Argyle socks. Crew socks. Socks with little yellow duckies. An ocean of socks had broken his fall. And not one of them had a match. Miles had found the solution to two of the world’s biggest mysteries: missing socks and the Bermuda Triangle. As for whether he ever found his way home…that’s another story.
THE END
THE MAGIC TEAKETTLE
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Rumor has it, Grandma Uncle John got this magic tea recipe from her fairy godmother. Brew a cup to see if the magic works for you!
WHAT YOU NEED:
SUPPLIES
οTeakettle
οMug
οTea ball
οSpoon
οAirtight container
INGREDIENTS (For 16 servings)
ο½ cup of loose orange or lemon tea
ο5 rounded tablespoons of berry rooibos tea
οHoney
WHAT TO DO:
1.Mix the two types of tea together and store them in the airtight container.
2.To make one cup, heat enough water in the kettle to fill your mug.
3.While the water warms, scoop 2 teaspoons of magic mix into your tea ball and close the ball tightly.
4.When the teakettle sings, turn off the heat and carefully pour the hot water into your mug.
5.Stir ½ tablespoon of honey into the hot water, set the tea ball into your mug, and allow the mixture to steep for five minutes.
6.When the time’s up, take out the tea ball and sip up the magic!
THE REAL MAGIC: Nutritionists say citrus teas (like orange or lemon) contain enzymes that keep your immune system strong and your brain on high alert. Adding rooibos to the mix has a soothing effect. And honey is rich in vitamins and minerals that our bodies need for health. Science or magic? You decide.
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CHINA’S FIRST TEAPOT
Here’s what happens when royalty boils water.
One windy day in 2737 B.C.—so the legend says—Emperor Shen Nung was outside boiling water. A few green leaves blew into the pot. Shen Nung wasn’t about to stick his royal hand into the boiling water and pull them out, so he waited. Pretty soon, the brew began to smell yummy. So Shen Nung decided to try a cup.
Luckily, the leaves came from a shrub called Camellia sinensis, and they were perfect for making tea. They’re still used today to make green tea, oolong tea, and black tea. So why was an emperor boiling his own water? We have no idea. But it makes a great story!
VANISHING CLOAK
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Want an invisibility cloak like Harry Potter’s? Read on.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, scientists have been working on making things invisible for years. Now, researchers at the University of Birmingham (England) have taken what they say is a giant step. They have discovered that a crystal called calcite is great at bending light.
What does bending light have to do with invisibility? “The way we see is basically light being reflected off of objects,” said Jacob Ward, editor of Popular Science magazine. When light bends, the eye can be fooled into seeing something that’s not there—or not seeing something that is there.
On a hot sunny day, drivers often see what looks like a puddle shimmering in the road up ahead. But the splash never comes. Why not? That puddle isn’t water. It’s a mirage made by heat bending rays of light.
Something similar happened when scientists placed calcite over a paper clip. Zing! The paper clip seemed to disappear. A paper clip may be a lot smaller than Harry Potter, but it’s thousands of times bigger than anything scientists have made “vanish” before.
Calcite crystals can be up to 21 feet long. In theory they could make a kid who wants to skulk around school invisible. But there’s still a problem to be worked out: the “cloak” itself—for now just a calcite block—is visible.
The Fairy Hedgehog
By Nancy Coffelt
DRAGON SIGHTINGS
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Think dragons disappeared long ago?
Here are three that may still be lurking around.
ICE-SEE A DRAGON
Since 1345, stories have spread about a massive creature living in Iceland’s Lake Lagarfljót. The 25-mile-long lake is 367 feet deep in places. That means it’s dark and icy enough to hide a water dragon. In 1987, witnesses saw the Lagarfljótsormurinn (Lagarfljót Worm) curled up in an inlet near a campsite. In 1998, a teacher and a group of students spotted the lake dragon near the shore. They said it looked like a huge worm. Then in 2012, grainy footage of the creature showed up on YouTube.
Some people thought Iceland’s water dragon had finally been captured on video. But Loren Coleman, director of the International Cryptozoology Museum in Portland, Maine, disagreed: “The Icelandic lake monster has been described as a pale, humped animal, about fifty feet long, sprouting whiskers on the head at the end of a six-foot-long neck.” To Coleman, the creature in the video looked like a robot made with fish nets and trash bags. In other words, this sighting, at least, could be a hoax.
QUARRY SPOTTED
In 2001, a British natural history expert claimed to have seen a snake-like dragon flying over a quarry in Powys, Wales. The creature had four short legs and a head that looked like a sea horse. It flew in a wide circle. Was it searching for something? Looking for prey?
“It was neither an optical illusion nor a model, but was truly alive,” said the naturalist. As he watched the “dragon” soar over the quarry, a chill washed over him. The creature was green and its skin shimmered. He watched for several minutes until the beast vanished into what looked like a crevice in the wall of the quarry.
“I had the distinct impression that this creature was deliberately warning me off from approaching its territory,” said the naturalist. He heeded the warning.
MONSTER ALERT
In 2011, kayakers on England’s Lake Windermere said they saw a dragon swimming in the lake. It had three or four humps and swam very quickly.
“At first I thought it was a dog,” said kayaker Tom Pickles. “But then I saw it was much bigger. Each hump was moving in a rippling motion, and it was swimming fast. Its skin was like a seal’s, but its shape was completely abnormal—not like any animal I’ve ever seen before.”
The kayakers took a photograph, but the shot turned out blurry. It’s hard to tell how big the creature is, though it looks like it could be eight feet long or more. There appear to be humps and what might be a head. Sound familiar? Perhaps the kayakers saw a cousin of Scotland’s legendary Loch Ness Monster. But for now, the encounter is being reported as a dragon sighting.
DISAPPEARING FAIRY FINGER PUPPETS
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Turn your fingers into fairy puppets. And when you’re done, eat them! (The puppets, not your fingers.)
WHAT YOU NEED:
οNontoxic markers
οHoney
οColored sugar crystals
οFruit leather
οMarshmallows
οKnife (and a parent’s help so your fingers stay attached)
WHAT TO DO:
1.Draw a fairy face on the fleshy part of your first finger (the opposite side from the nail).
2.Wrap a fruit leather “dress” around your finger.
3.Spread honey on your fingertip and sprinkle on colored sugar crystals to make sparkling fairy hair.
4.Cut a thin round slice from the top of a marshmallow. Cut the marshmallow circle in half. Use honey to stick the two halves to your finger to make fluffy fairy wings.
5.Now let your fairy finger act out your favorite fairy tale—any tale will do.
6.When you’re done, make your fairy “disappear” by gobbling up the evidence.
Want more fairies? Dress up more fingers, or invite your friends to join the fun.
STINKING BEAUTY
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An Uncle John’s Totally Twisted Tale
PRINCE CHARMING was kind of a big deal. By the time he was nineteen, he’d slain seven ogres, defeated a giant, vanquished two dark sorcerers, and won four chili cook-offs with his own secret recipe. Now he was bored.
“Two hundred gold pieces to the first one to bring me a quest worthy of my many talents,” he declared.
Before long, a line stretched around the castle.
“There’s a fair maiden held prisoner in a far-off tower,” said a knight. “If you can climb the tower and rescue her, she’ll…”
“Fair maidens are a dime a dozen.” The prince yawned. “NEXT!”
“I know of a magical sword encased in stone,” said a young page. “Whoever can remove it shall be king.”
“My kingdom already awaits,” said the prince.
“Mind if I have a go, then?” asked the boy.
“Knock yourself out,” said the prince. “NEXT!”
“A giant lives at the top of this tall, tall beanstalk in our garden,” said a farmwife. “He has a golden goo—”
The prince cut her off. “Please. Do I look like I need more gold?” He waved a hand at the two hundred gold pieces awaiting the winner of the challenge. “Has no one a quest of true worth and daring?”
Just then a stranger came forward. “I have a quest, mate,” he said in a strange accent. “A right perilsome venture what might save a princess and her whole bloomin’ family from a cursed castle.”
The prince leaned forward. “Go on,” he said.
“She’s been sleepin’ fer a hundred years, she has, in a castle what’s choked by deadly thorn vines and guarded by a galloping-big dragon. You’ll have to fight your way through both thorns and dragon, see? Then wake up the fair maiden wiff a kiss.”
“Hmmmm…,” the prince murmured. “These vines. Just how deadly are they?”
The stranger chuckled. “Ask the bones of those who’ve gone before you. There are dozens of skeletons tangled in them vines.”
“And the dragon?”
“Huge. Foul. Starvin’, mate.”
“And the princess?”
“Beautiful beyond compare. But there’s one thing about her you should know—”
“Enough!” the prince cried. “I accept the challenge!”
And so Prince Charming set out on his journey that same day and soon arrived at the castle. The thorny vines, though quite thorny indeed, yielded to his blade, and he hacked his way past the bones of the losers who’d gone before him. The dragon was tough, but the prince was tougher. By noon he was flossing his teeth with its sinews. I should have gone with the beanstalk, he thought.
Then he opened the door to the sleeping princess’s bedroom and spotted…a real beauty.
“Wow! She’s HOT!” Prince Charming hurried across the room and knelt beside the princess’s bed. But just as he leaned in to kiss her rose-red lips, she let out the smallest of sighs. Her breath blew Prince Charming backward. He slammed against the castle wall.
“HOLY SMOKES!” The prince gagged. “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever smelled.” Brave though he was, Prince Charming could not bring himself to make a second attempt. He fled from the castle with a cry of defeat on his lips: “Stinkus breathus vincit omnia!” (Stinky breath conquers all.)
THE END
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PRINCE CHARMING’S LATIN LESSON
Match the Latin phrase with its English translation—because you never know when a little Latin will come in handy.
1.Dum vivimus servimus.
2.Ad astra per alas porci.
3.Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus.
4.Ex luna scientia.
5.Hic sunt leones.
6.Cave, vomiturus sum!
a.Look out! I’m going to barf.
b.While we live, we serve.
c.To the stars on the wings of a pig.
d.From the moon, knowledge.
e.Never tickle a sleeping dragon.
f.Here there be lions.
Answers on page 286.
THE WANDMAKER’S WORKSHOP
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Why wait for the wand to choose the wizard? Make your own!
WHAT YOU NEED:
οWand-sized stick (collected beneath a full moon if possible)
οGold, silver, or black spray paint (for light or dark wizardry)
οNewspaper
οGlitter glue
οUnsuspecting parent
οGlue gun
οMagic talisman (such as a marble, crystal, feather, or shell)
WHAT TO DO:
1.The perfect stick for a wand must be as long as the distance between your elbow and wrist. It should be dry, sturdy, and free of sharp bumps or splinters.
2.Place your wand on the newspaper. Spray-paint one side. When that side dries, turn the wand over and paint the other side. Let it dry again.
3.Decorate the wand with glitter glue. Let it dry, and then turn the wand over. Decorate the other side.
4.Find an unsuspecting parent with a glue gun. Ask the parent to glue your talisman onto the wand.
5.When the glue dries, use your wand to make the parent forget the whole thing.
CONFUCIUS SAID
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Did someone follow the ancient Chinese philosopher Confucius around writing down every word he said? He didn’t say. But here are a few things he did say.
“Never give a sword to a man who can’t dance.”
“No matter how busy you may think you are, you must find time for reading, or surrender yourself to self-chosen ignorance.”
“Have no friends not equal to yourself.”
“If you see what is right and fail to act on it, you lack courage.”
“A lion chased me up a tree, and I greatly enjoyed the view from the top.”
“When you have faults, do not fear to abandon them.”
“The superior man loves excellence: the petty man, his own comfort.”
“If there be harmony in the home, there will be order in the nation.”
“What you know, you know. What you don’t know, you don’t know. This is true wisdom.”
“To study and not think is a waste. To think and not study is dangerous.”
CONFUCIUS: “I prefer not speaking.”
STUDENT: “If you do not speak, what will we have to record?”
CONFUCIUS DIDN’T SAY
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The real Confucius wasn’t a comedian—he was a thoughtful man who said wise things. So all those jokes that begin with “Confucius say”…Not Confucius.
Confucius didn’t say: “A dog who runs behind a car gets exhausted.”
Confucius didn’t say: “A boy who sneezes without a tissue takes matters into his own hands.”
Confucius didn’t say: “He who eats too many prunes sits on toilet many moons.”
Confucius didn’t say: “If you live in a glass house change in the basement.”
Confucius didn’t say: “A man who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double-crosser.”
Confucius didn’t say: “He who keeps both feet firmly planted on the ground will have trouble putting on his pants.”
Confucius didn’t say: “A house without a toilet is uncanny.”
Confucius didn’t say: “She who eats crackers in bed wakes up feeling crummy.”
Confucius didn’t say: “He who farts in church must sit in pew.”
Confucius didn’t say: “Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas.”
OUTFOXED!
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An Uncle John’s Totally Twisted Tale
THERE ONCE WAS A MAN with two sons who were twice as dumb as they were lazy. “You boys need to start pulling your weight,” he told them. “If you want lunch today, you’re going to have to chop some firewood.”
Ralph and Alf headed toward the forest with a saw and an axe. They were
hungry, so they stopped at Aesop’s Takeout Stand for a sack of burgers and fries. Just as they started to eat, they spotted their father’s pickup truck headed toward them. So they stashed their lunch in a hollow tree and hurried into the woods.
When they were out of sight, a greedy fox climbed into the tree and started gobbling down the fast food. He ate four hamburgers and two stupor-sized orders of fries. Then he licked his lips and tried to climb out of the hole. He couldn’t. His stomach was bloated to twice its normal size. The fox began to whine.
Another fox heard him crying. “You’re trapped because of your own greed,” she said. “And you’ll be stuck there until you’ve grown thin again.”
But the trapped fox was clever. He figured he could outsmart the boys and get away safely. He climbed into the empty lunch sack. The boys would have to widen the hole to get it out.
When the boys got back to the tree, they were hungrier than ever. Ralph reached for the sack. “I can’t get it out,” he said. “It’s too big!”
“Don’t be dumb,” said Alf. “We put it in there. We can get it out.”
Ralph pulled, but the sack wouldn’t fit through the hole. “Maybe the food swelled up when it got cold,” he said, wiping his nose on his sleeve.
“You’re right,” said Alf. “Cold makes things swell up something awful.”
Uncle John's the Enchanted Toilet Bathroom Reader for Kids Only! Page 7
