Q:Why didn’t the witch send text messages?
A:She couldn’t spell.
Q:How do you make a witch itch?
A:Take away her w.
Q:How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:It depends on what you want to change it into.
Q:Why do witches cover their mouths when they sneeze?
A:To catch their false teeth.
UMPIRE: Batter up!
WITCH: Sorry. We can’t catch the bats.
Q:How does a witch protect her potions?
A:With a warlock.
Q:What is a witch’s favorite pet?
A:A wart hog.
COMMON CENTS
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Alchemy is the process of turning cheap metals (like lead or iron) into precious ones (like gold or silver). Here’s the thing: it doesn’t work. But you can change the look of some metals, right in your kitchen.
WHAT YOU NEED:
ο20 dull pennies. (Look for pennies dated 1982 or earlier. Before that year, pennies were made almost entirely of copper. Since then, they’ve been made by pouring a thin layer of copper over a zinc core. This experiment will usually work with the newer pennies, too, unless they have scratches that expose the zinc.)
ο¼ cup of white vinegar
ο1 teaspoon of salt
οShallow plastic or glass bowl (not metal)
οPaper towels
οA few metal nails or screws
WHAT TO DO:
1.Put the salt and vinegar into the bowl. Stir until the salt has dissolved.
2.Dip a penny halfway into the mix. Hold it there for about 10 seconds. See any difference in the two halves?
3.Place the rest of the pennies into the bowl. Leave them for 5 minutes.
4.Remove half the pennies. Put them on a paper towel.
5.Remove the rest of the pennies. Rinse them under running water. Put them on another paper towel.
6.Check the pennies in about an hour. In the meantime, put a nail in the leftover liquid. Rest another nail against the inside of the bowl so half of it is in the vinegar mixture and half is out.
THE SCIENCE
The dull coating on old pennies is copper oxide. Copper oxide forms when copper atoms combine with oxygen atoms in the air. What’s an atom? It’s a tiny particle. You can’t see atoms with the naked eye, but everything in the world is made up of them.
When the pennies are put into a weak acid such as vinegar, the copper oxide dissolves. Chlorine atoms from the salt mix with the copper atoms and the oxygen atoms to make a compound called malachite, which is bluish-green. The unrinsed pennies turn greenish because of the malachite. Rinsing the pennies stops this process, so those pennies don’t turn green.
The copper atoms left behind in the vinegar coat the steel nails. That makes the nails look like copper, but only on the outside.
MORE METAL MADNESS
οUse lemon juice or orange juice instead of vinegar.
οSee if adding more or less salt makes a difference.
οPut pennies into ketchup instead of salt and vinegar.
οTry the experiment on nickels or dimes.
ALI BABA AND THE FORTY STEVES
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An Uncle John’s Totally Twisted Tale
ONCE UPON A TIME there was a kid named Ali Baba. Ali Baba lived in an apartment between a skate park and a pizza parlor, which he thought was totally gnarly. Then one day, his parents told him they had good news.
“Dad got a better job,” said his mom. “So we’re moving to the suburbs.”
“What? No way!” To Ali Baba, that sounded like a fate worse than road rash. So he did what he always did when he needed to think. He grabbed his board and headed to the skate park.
It was packed. All these guys with straight black hair wearing silk pajama bottoms and embroidered vests had taken over the park. They looked like extras from a movie about The Arabian Nights, but they could skate. One of them was doing a noseslide off a stair rail. One did a perfect McTwist down the ramp. And another one caught enough air coming off the quarter pipe to get a nosebleed.
The pajama guys all seemed to know each other. Ali Baba couldn’t make out everything they were saying, but they kept calling each other Steve.
“Hey, Steve,” said one. “You seriously ollied that twelve-step!”
“Thanks, Steve,” said a guy by the stairs.
“I don’t know, Steve,” said a third guy. “Looked a little sketchy to me.”
“Steve! You’re just jealous,” said the ollie Steve.
Ali Baba was fascinated by the crew of Steves. One of them noticed him staring and yelled, “Hey! You a local?”
“Yeah,” said Ali Baba. “At least for now.”
“I’m Steve,” said the first Steve, sticking out his hand.
“Steve!” said the next.
“And I’m Steve,” said a third.
One by one, Ali Baba shook hands with the Steves and counted them—thirty-nine in all. Thirty-nine Steves! Ali Baba could hardly believe it. “I’m Ali Baba,” he said. “How do all you Steves tell each other apart?”
“Easy,” said Steve.
It didn’t seem easy to Ali Baba. In fact, he had no idea if it was Steve #1 or Steve #39 who had answered.
“By looks,” said Steve. “That’s Steve with the Wart.” He pointed to a Steve with the most flawless skin Ali Baba had ever seen. “That’s Bald Steve.” He nodded toward a Steve with thick black hair. “Steve with the sick skateboard.” The Steve he pointed to did have an awesome board, but so did the other thirty-eight Steves. After all the Steves had identified themselves (giving Ali Baba a massive headache), he decided to tell them about his parents’ plan to move to the burbs.
“You’ll just have to stop them,” said the Steves.
Ali Baba shook his head. “How? You guys got a genie in a magic bottle or something?” The Steves laughed nervously, and then they hustled Ali Baba toward the pizza parlor to cheer him up.
A few days later, Ali Baba was packing random skateboard junk into a box when the doorbell rang. He dropped some spare bearings into the box and ran to press the intercom buzzer. “Yeah?” he said.
“It’s Steve!” a voice echoed through the intercom.
“And Steve!”
“And, dude! Don’t forget Steve!”
“Okay, okay,” said Ali Baba. “I get it. Come on. I’ll buzz you up.”
The Steves thumped up the stairs. When Ali Baba opened the door, all thirty-nine of them crowded into his tiny apartment. Then one of them dumped a canvas bag at Ali Baba’s feet. “We found what you needed.”
“Huh?” said Ali Baba, peering into the sack. Inside was a dented teakettle. “Uh…thanks?”
Steve with the Wart (or at least the Steve with the best skin) pulled the kettle from the sack. “You asked for a genie. And your wish is our command. All you gotta do is rub the kettle and say the magic word.”
Ali Baba took the kettle. “Which is?”
“Sorry.” Bald Steve flipped his bangs out of his eyes. “You have to figure that out for yourself.”
Ali Baba looked from Steve to Steve to Steve to Steve…and so on. By the time he got to about the twentieth Steve, he’d started nervously rubbing the teakettle with his thumb. “Look, Steve—” he said.
Ali Baba stopped. Smoke had started gushing out of the kettle’s spout. It formed into the shape of a man with a round belly and then, Pop! The figure came to life in a burst of fireworks.
“Master.” The round-bellied man bowed. “You summoned me with the magic word. And your wish is my command.”
Ali Baba blinked. “What magic word?”
“My name.” The genie grinned. “Steve!”
Ali Baba’s eyes widened. “And I get a wish?”
The genie bowed again. “Of course, master!”
Ali Baba knew exactly what he wanted. “I wish to be eighteen years old so I can stay right here when my parents
move.”
“Easy peasy,” said the genie, snapping his plump fingers.
And that, my friends, is how thirty-nine Steves became forty Steves. And how Ali Baba was able to live happily ever after in an apartment between a skate park and a pizza parlor.
THE END
A POX UPON THEE!
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May you never need a magical curse. But just in case… here are a few of our favorites.
May the desert wind blow angry scorpions up your robe.
May malevolent hedgehogs soil your cornflakes.
May you be swallowed by a whale with bad breath.
May the dog really eat your homework.
May you be trapped in an elevator with the world farting champion.
May a family of ferrets nest in your knickers.
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
May your gastric juices keep you from sleeping at night.
May you grow like an onion…with your head in the ground.
May no one tell you about the spinach between your teeth.
May you be smitten with an itch where you cannot scratch.
May you find a half-eaten worm in your apple… after you swallow.
May the lumps in your oatmeal hide cockroaches.
ANSWER PAGE
Find the Fart Fairy (page x)
At last count, the fart fairy showed up 15 times in the book (pages i, vi, vii, ix, x, 12, 36, 60, 86, 170, 210, 256, 286, and 288). If you found them all, you win an official Fart Fairy Magic Raspberry. Here it is—Pfhtttttttt!
Riddle Me This (page 32)
Chomping at the Bit—teeth;
This Girl Is Hot!—a candle;
The Yolk Is on You—an egg;
Tug of Water—a well.
The Shoemaker and the Elvis Impersonators (page 39) I’m All Shook Up; Don’t Be Cruel; Hound Dog; Heartbreak Hotel; Runaway; Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right; and, of course, Blue Suede Shoes.
The White Queen’s Riddle (page 64)
Answer: An oyster. It’s a sea creature that can’t swim. A penny would buy one in Carroll’s day. It cooks quickly and lies in its own dish. One is not enough to fill you up, so set at least a “score” (20) on your table. And the “dish-cover”? That’s the oyster shell. You must open it with a knife to un-dish-cover the oyster in the middle.
Prince Charming’s Latin Lesson (page 113) 1. b; 2. c; 3. e; 4. d; 5. f; 6. a.
Alchemical Facts and Fakes (page 184) Believe it or not, statements 2, 4, 5, and 6 have been thought to be true. We made up statements 1 and 3.
Know Your Mythical Beasts (page 257) 1. c; 2. b; 3. c; 4. c; 5. b; 6. c; 7. a; 8. b; 9. a; 10. c.
UNCLE JOHN’S BATHROOM READERS
FOR KIDS ONLY!
To order, contact%: Bathroom Readers’ Press
P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR, 97520
Or visit us online at www.bathroomreader.com
THE LAST PAGE
FELLOW BATHROOM READERS: Bathroom reading should never be taken loosely, so Sit Down and Be Counted! Join the Bathroom Readers’ Institute. Just go to www.bathroomreader.com to sign up. It’s free! Or send a self-addressed, stamped envelope and your email address to: Bathroom Readers’ Institute, P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, Oregon 97520. You’ll receive a free membership card, our BRI newsletter (sent out via email), discounts when ordering directly through the BRI, and a permanent spot on the BRI honor roll!
UNCLE JOHN’S NEXT BATHROOM READER FOR KIDS ONLY IS ALREADY IN THE WORKS!
Is there a subject you’d like to read about in our next Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader for Kids Only? Go to CONTACT US at www.bathroomreader.com and let us know. We aim to please.
Well, we’re out of space, and when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go. Hope to hear from you soon. Meanwhile, remember…
GO WITH THE FLOW!
Uncle John's the Enchanted Toilet Bathroom Reader for Kids Only! Page 17
