by M. Garzon
“Eat, Téa,” he said gently a few minutes later.
I realized I’d been picking at my food without really noticing.
“It’s my fault, isn’t it. I made you think about Blaze, I pressured you, and now you’re anxious again.” He looked disgusted with himself. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want him to blame himself, but I couldn’t exactly tell him the real reason I had no appetite was that I had a crush on him. A huge, embarrassing, illicit crush.
“No, don’t feel bad. It’s not you. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of Blaze, anyway, and... if I could talk to anyone about what happened, it would be you.”
“What do you mean? Haven’t you even talked to Seth or your girlfriends?”
I shook my head. I was getting into dangerous territory here, but I couldn’t stand to see Jaden looking so troubled. He opened his mouth, then determinedly closed it again, frowning in concern. He obviously didn’t want to upset me further. I stared down at my plate. My hands formed fists in my lap. I tried to tell myself that I was doing this because I trusted Jaden, trusted him completely, but the truth was that I simply wanted to make him feel better.
“Jaden.” I took a deep breath; my heart was racing. “The day of the accident... I was driving. I’m the one who didn’t see that truck coming.” I barely mumbled the words, but his sharp intake of breath indicated that he’d heard me. I heard him start to get up; that made me look up swiftly. I caught his harrowed expression and shook my head.
“Don’t,” I said desperately. If he tried to comfort me now I would go completely to pieces. He sank back down unwillingly and reached his hand across the table, palm up. I hesitated, but I couldn’t help myself — I put my hand in his and felt a shiver go through me as his warm hand wrapped tightly around my cold one.
“Téa, honey, you know it’s still not your fault, right? That truck went barreling through a red light. There was nothing you could have done.” His voice was passionate, persuasive. “No wonder you’ve been having such a hard time... but why the secret?” He was rubbing his thumb across the back of my hand; it felt as though every nerve ending in my body was somehow attached to that skin.
“Because,” I explained haltingly, “I wasn’t supposed to be driving. I only had my learner’s permit. But Karen was sick, so I talked her into it and after the accident, she didn’t want me to get in trouble for it.”
“She would have been in just as much trouble as you,” Jaden said grimly.
I made myself look him in the eye. “You can’t tell anyone, Jaden. Promise me.”
He didn’t hesitate. “I promise.” He squeezed my hand and held my gaze while he continued gently. “But you should tell Dec, honey.”
I stared at him in disbelief. He had obviously taken leave of his senses.
“Téa, don’t you see? You’ve been struggling with this massive guilt because you haven’t been able to tell the whole truth about what happened. It doesn’t matter that you’re completely innocent. On top of the grief, and survivor’s guilt, you have this big secret to carry around... this misplaced sense of responsibility for Karen. Poor baby, it’s no wonder you’re overwhelmed.”
His sympathy was too much for me. I pulled my hand away and leaned back against the seat, my head hanging. I gritted my teeth and dug my nails into my palms to keep from crying. It worked, after a minute I was able to breathe normally again. I picked up my fork, stabbed a potato with unnecessary force, and glared at him as I chewed.
“Happy now?” I demanded.
He smiled slowly. “Yes.”
I studied him surreptitiously as we ate. I loved the curved lines on either side of his mouth. They made him look like he’d just been smiling, or was about to smile. I also remembered how much I used to dislike him; it seemed inconceivable to me now.
“You’re smiling,” he commented. He looked happy to see it.
“I was just remembering how I used to think you were an arrogant jerk,” I said, grinning.
He laughed. “I’m glad you phrased it in the past tense, at least,” he said. “I, on the other hand, started out with a fairly high opinion of you. And it’s only increased as I’ve gotten to know you better.”
“Oh. I, um... thanks,” I stammered, feeling a rush of blood to my face. “Even after last night?” I added hesitantly.
“I can’t judge you for that. I made a lot of mistakes during my teens. I only hope I can help you avoid some of my more painful ones.” He looked uncomfortable. “Who was that boy you were with last night?”
It took me several seconds to understand what he was asking. “He’s just a boy we met at the party, his name is, um, Charlie,” I remembered.
Jaden’s jaw tightened. It looked as though he had more to say on the subject, but right then Julia and Teri arrived. I clambered out of the booth and hugged them both for a long moment. Jaden got up too, and as I released the girls he gave each of them a kiss on the cheek. I grinned at their identical, mildly stunned looks.
When we sat back down Jaden pulled me onto the seat next to him. I was electrically aware of his body only a few inches from mine; I tried hard to act natural.
“What did you guys do when you got home?” I asked the girls after they’d ordered.
“We sat around and talked until the sun came up, then we fell asleep,” Teri said. “How about you?”
“About the same,” I said wryly.
“How do you feel?” Julia asked me.
“Um...” I stole a glance at Jaden; he rolled his eyes at me.
“I already know what you’ve been up to, Téa. You might as well talk about it.” He noticed Teri and Julia’s doubtful faces. “I’m done yelling,” he promised.
Teri, Julia and I compared notes. They both had the ongoing heightened senses. Julia, though, had also woken up with a splitting headache.
“Is that why you gave me the Tylenol?” I asked Jaden. I was surprised, and touched, to remember that he had given it to me while he was still angry.
He nodded. “Some people seem prone to headaches or vomiting when they’re coming down, but you never know what’s in those drugs. That’s what makes it so dangerous.” He paused. “That was your first time, wasn’t it?”
At my nod, he sighed. “Look, I’m doing my utmost not to lecture all of you, but I hope you didn’t walk into that party and buy drugs from a complete stranger because that’s the epitome of dangerous, high-risk behavior.”
I glanced over quickly and caught the girls’ eyes, hoping they could read the message on my face. I didn’t want to get Caley in trouble, and the way Jaden was behaving almost guaranteed he wouldn’t be happy with the truth.
“Well, you can relax, I got the pills from a friend of mine,” Julia assured him coolly. I was relieved she’d spoken up instead of Teri, who was looking decidedly nervous in the face of Jaden’s questioning.
“All right. Then there’s just one more thing-”
I groaned, and he flashed me a quick grin. “Here it is: if you ever find yourself in an altered state again — whether you’ve been drinking, doing drugs, even if you’re just tired — don’t even consider driving home, okay? Call me, and I’ll come get you. No questions asked, I promise.”
We agreed. He made Teri and Julia hand him their phones so that he could put his number in. He looked at me and I rolled my eyes.
“I know, I’m the last person in the civilized world without a cell phone.”
“I still expect you to call me.”
We stayed a while longer, talking and drinking way too much coffee, but I had to be home to feed that evening and it was getting late. I went and changed into my own clothes before we went outside, into the glorious spring sunshine.
Jaden opened the car door for me. It was warm and comfortable inside, and I leaned back and enjoyed the rich tones of the sound system as he drove. He always seemed to have music on.
“Don’t think I didn’t notice you telling Julia to lie,” he said suddenly.
“‘Lie’ is
a bit harsh,” I protested.
“So that’s the unvarnished truth — the drugs came from her friend, and you had nothing to do with it?” He sounded severe; it aggravated me.
“Can’t you just let it drop already?” I asked testily.
He looked surprised for a second, then said slowly, “I’m not sure that I should.”
“Sorry. It’s just that I don’t need another father figure in my life trying to control me, Jaden.”
There was silence for a minute; I started to worry that I’d offended him.
“What do you need, Téa?” he asked quietly.
The question caught me by surprise. I needed a lot of things — my mother back, Blaze back — but what sprang to mind first was Jaden. The one thing I definitely could never have.
I gulped. “Just be my friend.”
“I will always be that.” He pulled into the lot where my car was parked. Julia and Teri were following behind us.
He turned to me. “Will you think about what I said? About telling Dec?”
Truthfully, I had filed away his request as soon as he’d made it, under the heading of ‘not in this lifetime’.
“Why is it so important to you?” I asked a question rather than lie to him.
“Because I think it will help to extirpate your feelings of guilt,” he said.
Only Jaden could use a word like ‘extirpate’ and not sound like a total geek, I thought with a smile. I turned toward him, still smiling, and found myself being pulled into a hug. I hugged him back fiercely, my heart breaking into a mad dash. His body was hard, but very warm. I pulled away first — I liked being in his arms far, far too much to stay there. This was something I’d have to get under control, and quickly.
* * *
The rest of the day had a dreamlike quality. Teri fell asleep during the drive, but I didn’t mind. I pondered the unlikelihood of Jaden having found me. It felt like fate, somehow. He’d gone to see Jesse’s band playing down the street, and on his way home he had seen Teri and Julia standing outside. What were the odds? I was alone in the house until Seth came in after dinnertime.
“How was the swim meet?”
“Awesome. I was second in the hundred-meter backstroke and I won the fifty-meter crawl. And I met the most amazing girl!” he said. “How was your night out?”
I filled him in on the details and heard about his weekend with Melissa, the girl from Montreal who he’d met at the swim meet. It was nice to catch up with Seth, to sit and laugh and share everything... well, almost everything. For some reason, I didn’t tell him about my drug-induced epiphany. That was something I wanted to squelch on my own.
I was tired and went to bed by nine, but I couldn’t sleep. There was too much to think about, not the least of which was Jaden’s request. I heard Dec come home around ten, and I waited a while, giving him a chance to unwind. And gathering my courage. Then I climbed out of bed and went downstairs, shivering slightly in my PJs.
“Hi honey, how was the sleepover?” Dec asked from the couch. He looked tired.
“Great, thanks.”
I perched on the edge of the couch, as far away from him as possible. I stared at my hands, clasped in my lap — now that I was actually doing this it seemed considerably harder than it had from my warm bed.
“Is everything okay?” he asked, sounding concerned. I sighed. I was tired of being the object of everyone’s worry.
“Dec, I need to tell you something. But I’m hoping you’ll promise me something first,” I began hesitantly.
“What?” he asked suspiciously.
“Please don’t take this out on anyone else. This is my fault. Just remember that, okay?”
“All right,” he answered tensely.
I swallowed hard. “It’s about... the accident.” I clasped and unclasped my fingers; this was a lot more difficult than telling Jaden had been. My heart was pounding painfully in my chest. Dec leaned toward me, and I could feel the anxiety rolling off him.
“What about it?” he demanded.
“I... well, when it happened... I was driving,” I whispered. I was too nervous to look at him, and he didn’t say anything right away; by the time he spoke I was trembling.
“Why the hell would Karen let you drive?”
I flinched. He hadn’t spoken loudly, but the fact that he would swear was a clear indication he was furious. Haltingly, I explained the events of that day. I went into more detail than I had earlier, each one stabbing painfully into my gut as I dredged up the memories I’d tried so hard to bury. Dec listened more quietly than I would have thought possible.
“Well,” was all he said at the end. He leaned back into the couch.
“Please don’t blame Karen,” I renewed my plea after a few minutes.
“Tell me something,” he said quietly, “have you been keeping this quiet for so long to protect her? Or because you were afraid to tell me that you drove?”
I thought about it. I’d been keeping the secret for so long that I barely remembered. At the time, amid so many other crushing emotions, not revealing who had been in the driver’s seat had seemed a minor detail.
“I don’t know. It seemed pointless to tell. I mean, it wouldn’t have changed anything.” It wouldn’t bring Blaze back. “I don’t think I was that worried about your reaction, to tell you the truth.” I hazarded a look his way; I was being unusually honest with him. He nodded, looking relieved.
“Well, I’m glad it wasn’t because you were... nervous about what I would say.” He paused. “Or do.”
I stared at him, wide-eyed. This was something we never talked about. And I didn’t want to start.
“Listen, kiddo, I have to talk to Karen about this. Now, don’t panic,” he tried to appease me, and I bit my lip so he could finish. “This isn’t something I can just let go. I need to be able to trust her, our friendship goes back a long way. I expected better of her than this.”
I hung my head, feeling the sting of his words as though they were directed at me. I was sure he had expected better of me, too.
“Why did you decide to tell me, after all this time?” he asked.
“I guess I was feeling guilty.”
He cleared his throat. I was surprised at how gentle his voice was when he went on. “Téa, you made some bad choices, but you’ve suffered a lot. I forgive you for whatever you may have done — the driving, the lying, all of that. It’s not important anymore. Do you understand?”
“Okay,” I said uncertainly.
He nodded. “That said, I’m still going to punish you. This isn’t a minor offense, Téa. You’re grounded for a month.”
That would mean almost to the end of May. I sighed and started to get up, but Dec’s hand on my arm stopped me.
“While we’re here, there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you, too. About last fall — I regret not letting you go to the Royal. I shouldn’t have done that.”
I gazed at him in surprise. It was the closest thing to an apology I’d ever gotten from Dec. I didn’t know what to say. I settled for a nod and went to bed.
* * *
I left Jaden a voicemail next day. “Hey cuz. Hope you got a better night’s sleep last night. I suspect I got some sort of minor brain aneurysm on Saturday, because I actually took your advice and told Dec. He took it well, I’m only grounded for a month. Thanks again for everything.”
He called a few hours later. “He grounded you?” he said incredulously.
“Yes, but... wait... are you done?” I asked when he paused in his tirade.
“I suppose.”
“Good. Because, as weird as it sounds, I’m okay with it.”
“Oh. Well, all right then.”
“Please note this does not mean that I subscribe to any of your other crazy pop-psycho ideas.”
“Duly noted. I’ve got to go study for my exams but I’ll be done after next week, and then we can start schooling that pony of yours, okay?”
I had never looked forward to training so
much in my life.
* * *
The following Saturday was such a gorgeous spring day that Teri and I decided to go for a hack. Technically, I probably shouldn’t have been going on a hack for fun while I was grounded, but riding was a grey area for me since much of it counted as work. I decided this fell under the heading of ‘training’ since I was riding Schweppes and he needed to get a lot fitter if he was going to be a polo pony.
We set out gaily, admiring the fresh green tones and the baby-blue, wispy-clouded sky. The sun was warm, but a fitful breeze kept us comfortable in our T-shirts, jeans, and half-chaps. We were riding side by side down a wide path. It would be ceilinged by trees in the summer, but at this time of year, the sun shone patchily through the bud-laden branches.
“Are we going to the Thomson’s show in three weeks?” Teri asked. I felt a tightening in my chest as I thought about Blaze and my big plans for this year’s show season, but the pain was manageable now. I took a few steady breaths and shook my head.
“No, I’ve got to go to Stacey’s birthday party. I wish I could skip it and do the show instead,” I groused.
“Bummer,” Teri sympathized. “But you’re taking Winter to the Spring show, right?”
I nodded. We were both quiet for a while, and I’m sure Teri was thinking about Blaze, too.
“How’s the polo training going?” she asked finally, indicating Schweppes’ golden form.
I grinned. “I have no idea, really. So far I’ve just been brushing up on his flatwork — you know, tight turns and rapid stops, that kind of thing. Jaden’s going to help me now though, he just finished his exams.”
“That’s right, law school. He’s so smart. I guess it runs in your family, you lucky duck.”
I chuckled, but I was uncomfortable with the way she mentioned Jaden. I reminded myself that of course everyone thought of him as my cousin — he was — and that it didn’t matter, anyway. But I felt compelled to remind Teri of our status, all the same.
“Remember, Jaden and I aren’t related by blood. So there’s no correlation between our intellects. Not that I’m in his league, anyway.”
