by M. Garzon
“Thanks.” He glanced at me; a flicker crossed his face. “Hi,” he said curtly before setting off. His abruptness hurt, even though I tried to tell myself to welcome it.
The match was action-packed but free of calamity. I would never have guessed that Jaden and Mateo had been up all night; they both played superbly and were obviously able to set aside their mutual animosity while they were on the field. The Davenport Daemons won again.
After the game, Dec headed for the washrooms while Seth, Julia and I hurried down to the stable area. We caught sight of Mateo and Jaden dismounting. I only had eyes for Jaden, but Mateo intercepted me first, grabbing my shoulders and kissing me on both cheeks.
“Congratulations, you were fantastic,” I told him sincerely.
“Gracias, chiquita.” His smile was warm.
I glanced over at Jaden, but he was taking Kermit’s bridle off; I wondered where Jennalyn was. Up close, Jaden looked rough. Somehow, dammit, it only made him hotter.
Mateo was looking inquiringly over my shoulder, and I turned to make introductions.
“Mateo, this is my brother Seth, and my good friend Julia,” I indicated them in turn.
Mateo shook Seth’s hand and kissed Julia’s, giving her the usual appreciative look. Then he turned back to me and took my hand, lifting it above my head and twirling me in a circle while he gave a low whistle. I caught sight of Jaden as I spun — he was watching with eyes narrowed and jaw clenched. I was wearing another dress of Julia’s; it was pale grey with pink cherry blossom branches growing up from the hem.
“You are muy beautiful in that dress, chiquita. You will come to the after-match party with us, yes? All of you.” He waved his hand toward Seth and Julia.
I didn’t get a chance to respond. Jaden’s voice was icy as he answered for me.
“She’s seventeen years old, Mateo. We’re not bringing her to a party with a bunch of drunken polo players looking to score.”
I flinched at his words. Was that what he did at those parties — get drunk and finally oblige all those blond, long-legged polo groupies who always seemed to be throwing themselves at him?
“She will be with me, no? I will protect her.” Mateo laughed, his eyes crinkling. He turned to convince Julia and Seth to join us. Kermit was still wearing his saddle; I went over and started loosening the overgirth.
“Let me do that,” Jaden said impatiently.
“I don’t mind.”
“You’ll get your dress dirty,” he insisted. He stepped in and took over unsaddling.
“It’s not like I’ll be wearing it anywhere,” I said in a low voice. I knew I sounded petulant, but I couldn’t help it. I felt as though something cold and heavy had settled in my stomach. There was no way I was going to a party to watch Jaden carousing with — or worse, leaving with — another girl. And I wouldn’t impose my presence on him when he so clearly didn’t want it.
“Téa,” he said, sounding frustrated.
“Should you really be going to another party tonight?” I asked sullenly. “You look like you’re still drunk from the last one.”
“And?” he demanded angrily.
I ground my teeth together, staring at the grass. I had no right to question his actions, no say in what he did. So I said nothing.
He spoke lower this time. “Téa, look at me.”
I raised my eyes to meet his tense ones.
“Going to these parties is part of my job. The patrons expect it, and people who put money into the sport want to rub shoulders with the players after big matches. I’m going because I have to.”
“And you don’t want me there.”
He looked directly into my eyes for a long moment, not answering, and I felt a swooping sensation in my stomach. He moved in closer, until I couldn’t see anything except his face and those unbelievable eyes staring into mine... Dec’s voice made me jump.
“Great game, son.” He patted Jaden on the shoulder. Jaden looked startled, but recovered himself quickly as he turned to Dec and started discussing some of the plays. I went back to Seth, who thankfully wrapped his arm around me; I was cold. He was wearing an odd expression, but I was too preoccupied to wonder about it. After a bit more match analysis with Mateo, we were ready to go. Dec had firmly nixed any party ideas, so Julia headed home in her car and Seth and I climbed into the pickup. I sat in the back; I didn’t have the energy to fake a happy expression.
When we got home Seth offered to check the barn so I wouldn’t have to change. I was just pulling on my PJs when he spoke softly at my door.
“Hey, can I come in?”
“Sure.”
He came and sat on the bed. He looked tense.
I sat next to him. “What’s wrong, sweetie?” I asked, concerned.
“I think I was wrong, Sis.”
“About what?”
“About you and Jaden.”
I could feel my eyes widen in surprise. “Okay, you’re going to have to spell this out for me, because you can’t be saying what I think you are.”
He took a deep breath. “Ever since you told me how you feel, I’ve been imagining the two of you as a couple. Not that I wanted to. I couldn’t help it, it’s like telling someone not to think of elephants. And the thing is — I think he suits you.”
I stared at the ground, my jaw and my fists both clenched tight. This wasn’t something I wanted to hear, not now.
“It’s not only because you have so much in common,” Seth went on. “It’s also, well, he can handle you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Come on, T, we both know you’re a bit wild. Much as I love Kabir, I know that after a month with you he’d be curled up, rocking back and forth in his happy place. But Jaden isn’t fazed by your stunts.”
I thought of Jaden’s reaction when he had caught me doing drugs downtown, and when I had tackled Davis on the polo field. I didn’t think ‘unfazed’ quite captured his response. However, it was a moot point, I reminded myself.
“It doesn’t change anything, though, does it?” I asked Seth quietly. “The risk is the same, and everyone might end up hating me if I even admit how I feel.”
He shook his head slowly. “I don’t know, Sis. I’ve been watching you. You’re miserable. And Jaden’s no better. How long can you go on this way?”
“As long as I have to,” I said determinedly.
And for the next few days, at least, it was easy, because Jaden was teaching at the Toronto club and he stayed at his place. I thought constantly about what Seth had said, try as I might not to. No matter how I circled the idea, I couldn’t fathom Jaden having any interest in me. But if he did, it would only make things even more disastrous.
Thirteen
Everything changed on Wednesday.
The day started normally enough; I worked throughout the morning and went into the house for a drink before my afternoon lesson. Blue was standing outside the office, staring at the door and whining.
“D’you want to go in?” I asked her. I strolled over to open the door, and that’s when I heard it. The unmistakable ‘thwack’ of leather meeting flesh. For the barest instant I stood frozen in shock, and then I hurled myself through the door, my heart hammering. I didn’t pause when I got inside, so I only half-registered the scene: my brother, standing with his shirt off, his back crisscrossed by red lines. Dec with his arm upraised, about to create another one. The blow never landed; I catapulted myself at him, hitting him blindly over and over.
“Téa! Stop it!” he yelled, trying to fend off my flailing arms.
“You fucking bastard!” I screamed. “How could you! How can you call yourself our father? A real father would never do this — mom would hate you if she saw you now!” I could barely see through my tears, so the stinging slap caught me by surprise. I staggered sideways; when I recovered and turned back toward him I found Seth blocking my way. His back was to me, and his fists were up. My breath jammed in my throat — I felt as though my very heart had stopped.
Seth had filled out over the past year, and he was taller than Dec, but there was no question that Dec was much, much stronger. He could crush Seth if it came to that.
“Seth, no.” I couldn’t seem to get my voice over a whisper; it was like one of those nightmares when you want to scream but all that comes out is a frightened squeak. I clutched his arm before noticing Dec’s posture. He wasn’t defensive or aggressive. His arms were hanging by his sides, and though he was breathing hard he was looking back and forth between Seth and me with an expression bordering on panic.
“Get out. Both of you,” he snarled at us.
We fled. Seth followed me up the stairs, and I led him straight to the bathroom and found the can of topical anesthetic spray we kept there. He turned around and braced his hands on the counter. My own hands were shaking as I started to carefully spray the emerging welts. It wouldn’t numb the pain completely, but it took the edge off. I surveyed the damage as I worked — the skin was broken in a couple of places, but overall, it could have been worse. I was still in shock. This was beyond what we were used to. Dec had never made Seth take his shirt off, or lashed his back before.
“Dammit, Téa, why did you come in?” Seth growled at me as I sprayed.
My eyes flew upward, startled, and met his in the mirror. “What do you mean, why? He was hurting you!”
“He caught me smoking.”
Understanding dawned, and I hesitated for a second. “Well, that doesn’t matter. It’s still not justified, Seth... he shouldn’t be doing that.” I heard the echo of Jaden’s voice in my head as I said it. I finished spraying the anesthetic.
When Seth turned around I was shocked to see anger on his face.
“He was almost done, now he’ll only be madder. And what if he’d really hurt you?”
Seth’s uncharacteristic anger threw me off; my voice was uncertain as I answered. “He wouldn’t. And, well, I don’t think we should stand for him hitting us anymore.”
“What’s our alternative, Sis? Move out? In case you’ve forgotten, we’re still in high school. We’ve got no money and nowhere to go. And you wouldn’t want to leave anyway, you’d miss the horses too much. So why are you pissing him off?” He stalked out.
I was crying in earnest now and wanted to go sob in my room, but suddenly remembered I had a lesson to teach. I was afraid to run into Dec downstairs — not afraid in the physical sense, I just didn’t want to face him. But I had to go. I pulled myself together as best I could, washed my face, and crept carefully down the stairs. The office door was closed and I slunk quickly outside.
Seth didn’t come out at feeding time, which almost made me start crying again. He’d never stayed mad this long before. When I was done feeding I trailed slowly back to the house, my heart beating with trepidation. I wasn’t interested in dinner, but I couldn’t hide in the barn forever. I didn’t see anyone when I came in and headed straight to my room. No one came looking for me. When it got late I wondered if I should go do the bedtime check of the barn, but decided to skip it. If Dec saw lights on he’d surely go and do it.
I slept fitfully, which wasn’t a surprise. By six-thirty I was wide awake. As I headed to the bathroom I realized I hadn’t sprayed Seth’s back again last night. I kicked myself; he’d probably had a rough night. I grabbed the can of anesthetic and went and tapped quietly on his door.
“It’s me.”
“Yeah, come in,” he said tiredly.
He sat up in bed as I walked in.
“How’s your back?” I asked tentatively.
“It’s been better. How’s your face?”
In truth, I had completely forgotten that Dec had slapped me the day before. I felt my left cheek; there was nothing there to remind me. The right side, of course, was still patterned in fading bruises from the mallet.
“Completely fine.”
I held up the spray bottle, and he turned sideways on the bed.
“Sorry I forgot last night,” I said as I began spraying.
“’sokay. Sorry I was such a jerk yesterday. Did you eat last night?”
“No. You?” It was rare for Seth to miss a meal.
“I snuck downstairs and had a midnight snack.” He turned around and gazed at me somberly. “Have you seen Dec?”
I shook my head.
Seth stayed in his room, and I went out to feed the horses. As I was hurrying through the living room Dec’s voice rang out from the kitchen.
“Téa.”
I stopped reluctantly and turned toward him, but I didn’t look him in the face.
“Eat something first.” He walked past me and headed upstairs.
I moped into the kitchen and found a granola bar and some coffee. I felt awful. I wanted to go after Dec and say... well, I didn’t know what I would say. But he sounded sad.
After feeding and teaching a lesson I went back to the house for another coffee; I was tired. There was no sign of either Seth or Dec. They must have been avoiding me, as well as each other.
I had a huge pile of laundry to do, but I didn’t want to be in the house, so I decided to clean out the horses’ automatic waterbowls. It was a tedious job and should take a couple of hours. Unfortunately, it wouldn’t keep my mind very busy, but I doubted if anything would provide enough distraction for me at this point. I gathered my supplies and started in Zac’s stall. I turned the knob on the pipe that supplied his waterbowl. Then, with the water shut off, I scrubbed out the metal bowl with a sponge and dish soap before rinsing and refilling it. Zac was good company, nudging me with his nose and occasionally resting his chin on my shoulder the way he loved to do. I still missed him.
I had only done four stalls when I heard a familiar voice down the aisle and sighed. Ever since I’d been hurt during the match, something had changed between Jaden and me. I couldn’t seem to maintain the same distance that I had before the accident, with the result that his presence now caused me actual pain — a dull ache in my chest that occasionally spiked into a jab when he looked at me or talked to me a certain way. All in all, something I could do without today.
“Good morning.” He spoke through the bars of Gracie’s stall. His smile was almost normal, but his eyes were cautious. I wasn’t the only one who had noticed the change in the tenor of our relationship.
“Hey,” I said listlessly. I met his eyes for the barest second before dropping them back to the waterbowl.
“What’s wrong?” he asked immediately.
“I don’t really want to talk about it,” I replied in a low voice, but even as I was uttering the words I knew they weren’t true. What I desperately wanted was to talk to the old Jaden, the one who was both family and good friend, the one that existed for me before the curse of physical attraction ruined everything.
Jaden stepped into the stall. Thud, thud, thud went the ache in my chest. I exhaled sharply. Honestly, I didn’t need this today.
“Can I help?” he asked quietly. Yes, I thought savagely, you can help by staying away from me. But I knew I didn’t really mean it.
“No,” I said, paying careful attention to my scrubbing.
“Téa.” He was standing right next to me now. He’d been careful not to touch me since the day of the accident, but I was afraid he would surrender to his habit of making me face him when I didn’t want to. So when he moved again, I cringed away from him. I glanced at his face just long enough to register his hurt expression. I felt the first jab in my chest.
“Téa, what’s going on? Is this about...” he hesitated, and I looked at him, curious. He didn’t finish, but I had made the mistake of locking eyes with him. I don’t know what he saw in mine, but it was enough to make him half-reach for me. He caught himself; there was an edge to his voice when he spoke again.
“Up to the hayloft. Let’s go.”
I didn’t resist. I knew that tone well enough by now to know that I’d be carried if I didn’t walk. I led the way into the feedroom, drying my hands on my jeans, and slowly climbed the ladder to the loft. I didn’t
sit down but turned to face him with my arms hugging my chest.
“Out with it,” he ordered.
I took a deep breath. I didn’t know how to explain why everything was in such chaos; it wasn’t as though Seth and I had never dealt with a beating before. It wasn’t such a big deal, usually, but this time was different.
“Dec caught Seth smoking,” I began in a low voice. He winced; he understood immediately.
“Damn.”
I nodded mutely.
“Is Seth okay?”
“He’s-” I hesitated. Jaden didn’t need to know the gory details. Sadly, he probably knew all too well how Seth was. “Yeah, he’s all right.”
I saw anger flash in Jaden’s eyes, but he controlled it quickly.
“What else?” he pressed.
“That’s not enough?” I asked impatiently.
“I want to know what’s made you this upset,” he insisted. “Tell me the whole story.”
I swallowed. I didn’t even know where to start.
I heard him sigh. He came and guided me over to some haybales, his hand on my back. I expected the jab in my chest, but it still hurt. We sat down and he took my hand, moving deliberately to give me the chance to pull away. I didn’t. Jab, jab.
“Now please tell me,” he said quietly.
I studied the wooden boards under our feet as I spoke.
“I interrupted him. You know what a foul mood Dec’s been in lately. He was — well, it was bad. I couldn’t believe it, and... I don’t know how he can even blame Seth for smoking, we’ve all gone through a rough time this year... anyway, I just lost it. I basically attacked him.”
I heard Jaden catch his breath as his hand tightened around mine. My voice was as soft as breathing when I went on.
“Then Seth turned on him, and it almost came to a fight.”
There was a pause.
“Did he-” His voice shook, whether with anger or some other emotion, I couldn’t tell. I knew what he was asking, and I shook my head quickly, not looking at him. His grip was almost painfully tight now, and when I glanced at him his eyes were closed.
“No,” I lied. “But now... now none of us are talking to each other. I said some really mean things to Dec, and Seth’s mad at me, and... it’s my fault.”
