by Alana Khan
I rotate my arm at the shoulder, which puts no strain on the surgical site, but gives me an idea of how much pain I’m in. “I don’t think so, Drayke. Whatever was in that shot worked well. I feel fine.”
“I’m glad to hear that. Sounds like you overexerted yourself at lunch. I planned a surprise for you this evening. Think you’re up for it? I’ll carry you there.”
“You’ll carry me? I don’t think so.”
“You don’t think I’m strong enough to carry you? I know I’m not a gladiator, but I’m a healthy Dacian male.” His brow furrows.
Whoops, I think I wounded someone’s pride. “No, I didn’t mean that.” Which brings my thoughts, totally undirected, to wondering just what kind of muscles lurk under that blue jumpsuit. “I just meant I’m not an invalid.”
“Absolutely. I totally agree. You’re not an invalid, but you are recuperating. I’d be honored to carry you if you’d like to conserve your strength.”
“Always a gentleman, Drayke, but I’m sure I’ll be fine. A surprise, huh? What is it?”
“Does surprise mean something different on Earth than it does here? A surprise means you find out what it is when you see it,” he scolds, one eyebrow cocked in gentle rebuke.
“Alright. I was just trying to trick you. Trying to determine your character.”
“Trick me all you want, Nova, I’m just what you see.”
I fall quiet. There was something about my conversation with Grace that makes me question this assertion.
“Drayke?” Now that I’ve got his attention, I’m not sure how to proceed. The expression on Grace’s face when I asked her about Drayke makes me think he’s not going to like my question. “Were you a gladiator?”
He raises his eyebrows in surprise, “What makes you ask that?”
“All the other males on board were gladiators, right? All the crew on the ship were killed or taken prisoner in the overthrow?”
He slowly bobs his head up and down as he puts two and two together. He knows what I’m asking.
“I signed up for one annum on board this ship to tend captain and crew. The contract promised they would pay off all my student loans in exchange for one year of work. It seemed like the answer to all my worries. I’d have free room and board and walk off the ship after my tour with no debt. It was only after all the paperwork was signed that I found out the crew were smugglers and slavers. Later, things got even worse when they kidnapped the Earth females to breed with the gladiators.
“The ship was owned by the MarZan cartel—bloodthirsty cutthroats. They made it clear there was no escape until the end of my contract. They threatened to kill me and my family if I failed to comply. Then they forced me to oversee daily checks of the females to make sure the enforced breeding occurred as ordered. I considered...ending my own life.” He pauses for a moment, he swallows repeatedly as he tries to regain his composure.
“But I didn’t want one of the barbarian guards to be put in charge of the exams. I tell myself I stayed alive to protect the females, but I wonder every single day if it was actually just my own cowardice. I’m not an honorable male.”
His face is a tight mask of pain, a muscle twitches in his eyelid. “I’d understand if you can’t bear to be in the same room as me, Nova. I’m the only doctor on board, but I can leave you alone unless I’m performing wound care.”
He’s in misery admitting this to me. He can’t look me in the eyes. I know deep shame when I see it. I think of all the things I’ve been forced to do over the last two years. I try to dredge up anger, outrage, or fear toward him, but I’m simply aware of deep compassion.
“We’ve all done things we regret under threat of pain or death. It seems to be the way of the galaxy. You do regret it, right?”
He nods, “Every day, Nova. I experience more than regret. It shames me and shames all who carry my name. I can never return to my family or even my planet. My actions reflect on my ancestors eight generations back and eight generations forward. My family would disown me if they knew.”
“Biology is powerful, Drayke. We’re all hardwired to stay alive above all else. That certainly explains why I hurt people in the arena. It was all to keep my own skin intact. I won’t judge you, Drayke, if you don’t condemn me for the people I’ve hurt in an effort to stay alive.”
“I don’t judge you, Nova,” his voice is warm, sincere. “I see you as a strong and virtuous female. Thank you.”
~.~
Several hours later I’m dressed in my leggings, an oversized T-shirt, and the galaxy’s ugliest neon purple flip-flops. Drayke removes my bandage and inspects the surgical site. He applies plas-film, a thick, clear, flexible plastic embedded with antibiotics, instead of the gauze. “That ointment does seem to be helping, things are looking good.”
I doubt he can already tell the healing process is speeding up, but it’s nice of him to try to lift my spirits.
“Can you put one layer of gauze on top of that?” I don’t want to have to see the wound through the clear protective wrap.
“Of course. You don’t want anyone to know exactly how bahd ahss you are. I’ll help you keep your secret.” He actually winks at me. Sweet!
We have a brief argument about whether I should walk or he should carry me. I win.
Although the ship isn’t huge, I’ve only been out of medbay once, so the layout of the vessel baffles me. We walk to the end of a deserted hallway. A small smile on his lips, he opens one side of the double doors with a flourish and we enter a bullet-shaped room that must be at the back of the ship.
All but one wall are floor-to-ceiling windows; I can even look out through the glass dome. There are thousands of stars, perhaps millions of them. I never studied space, but now I wish I had. My mind wants to quantify this, to name what I’m seeing, but I have no words. I decide this is a good thing; I abandon my rational brain and transfer fully into my emotional mind.
It is so beautiful, so limitless. I realize my jaw is tight, there’s a lump in my throat, and my eyes are misty. At first, I’m not certain why I’m so overcome with emotion, so I just sit with this feeling. This view is beautiful. Perhaps the most awe-inspiring thing I’ve ever seen. It’s boundless. The word infinity strikes me. My mind rebels, trying to comprehend the enormity of that word. I have trouble grasping that what I’m seeing goes on forever and never stops.
I’m a speck of dust in the endless expanse. I hold two opposite concepts in my head, which is so hard it literally hurts my brain. On one hand, I’m insignificant, infinitesimal compared to even the minuscule fragment of the universe I can see. On the other hand, I’m standing right here. I’m real. I have thoughts and emotions that are important. I have a life. I can find a purpose. I’m valuable. I deserve to live. I deserve happiness.
I have no map of the universe; I can’t even imagine it. What I do know is that I’m inconceivably far from Earth. That part of my life is gone. I will never go home again, that is clear. I’ll never see family or friends or sleep in my old bedroom or have the life I planned for. This makes me melancholy and lonely.
But I realize the bad days are over. They’re behind me, too. I will never be a slave again or sleep in a cell or have an owner. I’ll die first. Or kill. They will never take me alive.
So here I am, chapter one, page one of a new life. I realize tears are coursing down my cheeks. I couldn’t even identify if they are happy tears or sad ones. What they are is proof of my reality. I’m fully alive, perhaps for the first time. These tears are precious, they are confirmation of my humanity.
I want to start over. I want to really live. The first act I want to do in this new life is to experience this very instant. To appreciate the significance of my life in this vast expanse of space. For long moments I enjoy the freedom to have these thoughts, these emotions. And then I realize I’m standing next to a muscular male body. I was too wrapped up in what was going on in my own head to remember he’s here with me.
Anyone else would have probed me, wonderi
ng why I was so quiet, why I stood stock still, why I was crying. He just held this space with me, silent. As if he understood completely this wasn’t the occasion for words or talking or touching. He allowed me time for all these thoughts and emotions. For that, I’m so grateful.
“This is amazing, Drayke. Thanks for bringing me here,” my voice is a hushed whisper.
“Thank you, Nova. You allowed me to see this beauty through your eyes. That was a gift.”
I look up at him, he’s still stargazing with intense appreciation. Then he looks down at me and his expression changes. The look of raw desire blooms on his face for the swiftest moment, like unquenched thirst. His eyes pierce mine. He leans down almost imperceptibly toward me.
Then he schools his features, controlling the naked longing written so plainly there. He tightens his jaw, pulls back up to his full height, and views the stars. I’ll never forget that look, though. It was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.
“You promised food.” I break the mood, letting him off the hook.
Moving into action, he escorts me to the small square table with two chairs he set up. He pulls the chair out for me, like a southern gentleman. It strikes me a little odd that his culture would have the same etiquette as mine. He sits to my left, so he won’t bump my tender arm.
I notice for the first time there’s music playing. It’s ethereal, otherworldly, like the music of angels.
“That music’s beautiful. I haven’t heard any music for years, except for trumpets announcing my match.”
“Grace found an electronic instrument in this abandoned wing of the ship. She composed numerous pieces and put it on a continuous loop for our dinner.” He sets a plate of food in front of me, then sits down beside me. He catches and holds my gaze, making sure I comprehend how serious he is. “You’ll never hear those trumpets again, Nova. Never.”
He pierces me with his blue-eyed stare. “I’ll kill before I allow that. Or die fighting.” His words are stark, final.
He’s a doctor, a healer. I’m the fighter. But he’s determined. I like the feeling of someone caring, wanting to protect me. My muscles relax as I take a deep, peaceful breath. I let my guard down, and tune into the calm.
“That makes two of us, Drayke. I will never have an owner again.”
He reaches out to touch me, almost stroking my cheek with one knuckle, then pulls his hand back. I wish he hadn’t retreated. I yearn for his warm, gentle touch.
“There’s wine here, we found hundreds of bottles in the stores of contraband hidden in the cargo area. I didn’t open any, not knowing if you drink spirits. Do you want some?”
“No, thanks.” I haven’t had a drink in years. I don’t think I need anything to take the edge off. I’d like to be fully present here with Drayke in this wondrous solarium, viewing the stars.
All the food he brought is easily speared with a fork. I’m sure he asked Maddie to do this for me, so I wouldn’t have to struggle to eat with my left hand. Thoughtful.
I don’t taste a thing. I’m absorbed in Drayke. He’s sitting so close. My knee bumps his under the table. That single touch, cushioned by two layers of clothing, garners my complete attention and sensitizes me to his virile presence. Warmth arcs throughout my body from that brief brush.
He’d mentioned the other day how uncomfortable this suit was on him, yet he’s wearing it. Wearing it for me. The black jacket is form-fitting and hangs to mid-thigh. The matching black slacks hug his muscular thighs. He reminds me of an old west outlaw—sexy and a bit dangerous.
He usually wears his hair back in a haphazard ponytail, but today that straight, blue-black mane is brushing his shoulders. It accentuates the masculine planes of his face. I notice again how strikingly handsome he is.
For the first time, I pay full attention to his blue skin. It’s pale, like the sky on a cloudless day. His cobalt blue eyes seem all the more intense because they’re set in all that gorgeous blue skin. His lips have a pinkish tinge, a muted magenta, but there’s not a striking contrast like there is in humans. Viewed as a whole, he presents a tempting picture.
Sexual awareness lights up every muscle, cell, and fiber of my body. How can I be so attracted to someone I barely know? I shouldn’t be this drawn to him. I need to focus on myself and my recovery.
Without conscious decision, I reach out and place my left hand on his forearm. I’m captivated by our differences, my pinkish fingers laid across his sky-blue flesh. It’s compelling. It doesn’t seem scary to me, just alluring.
“We’re so different,” he admits, looking down, fascinated.
“Bad?” Please don’t say yes.
“Beautiful,” he husks. He drags his eyes to mine, his gaze piercing. Leaning down to kiss me, his mouth is claiming, fierce, compelling. His lips are hard against mine, almost desperate. Then he retreats, ratchets back, and presses more softly. I liked the first way better. It gave a quick zing between my thighs.
My hand snakes under that veil of thick, dark hair next to his neck, and I pull him toward me. I crush my lips to his. Heat and energy pool between my legs. I don’t want food. I want Drayke. He’s good and kind and sexy and I’ve been alone and scared for too long. I don’t want to present false bravado anymore. I want to be me. I want to be able to reveal my fear if that’s what I’m feeling, or my tears. I want to express every single one of my emotions.
Pulling back from the kiss, he stands for a moment. He turns his back on me and I can only imagine he’s rearranging himself inside those tight, sexy black slacks. He may have prematurely stopped the kiss, but it’s obvious I have as much effect on him as he does on me.
He squats beside me so he’s on my level, and penetrates me with those devastating blue eyes. He grasps my left hand and with utmost sincerity asks, “Miss Nova, on my planet when a male courts a female he shows his prowess as a mate by feeding her. While you were sleeping, I went to the kitchen and made dessert. I know I did not pick this fruit, or transport it from the fields where it grew, or haul it on board this vessel, but I washed and cut it with care, and brought it here. I would like to feed it to you with my own hand.”
Whoa! Courting? He’s courting me? By the look on his handsome face, this is the most serious thing he’s ever done. I can’t take this lightly. He’s crouching there, waiting for an answer, his face inches from mine.
“I don’t mean to be...ungrateful, Drayke, but what exactly does this mean?”
Sadness passes over his features like a cloud scudding through the sky, and then it’s gone. He’s so earnest, so sincere, it’s one of the things I like most about him. He doesn’t make light of things that are important to me.
“I’ve never had a female I’ve been intimate with. On my planet, that is not encouraged. When a male thinks he’s found his mate, he asks if he can court her. If she is...interested in the male, she agrees. If the two find themselves compatible they become bonded.”
“Bonded, like forever bonded? Like till death do you part?”
“No. No, Miss Nova. Death does not part a bonded pair.”
For a moment, I think my heart actually stops beating in my chest. First of all, I don’t know what, if anything I believe about what happens after death. But second, forever sounds scary as hell to me. My mind can’t even grasp forever. I remember hearing one of the women on The View say she never would have walked down the aisle if she hadn’t consoled herself with the fact she could get divorced if things didn’t work out. That sounded like a good strategy.
“I can’t fathom forever, Drayke. This is too much. I don’t want to agree to anything I can’t follow through with. This sounds serious to you, I honor that. I can’t promise forever. I can’t even think about forever!”
“Of course, Nova. You’ve just been released from captivity. You have your whole life ahead of you. Many decisions to make. I’m a dracking idiot for putting pressure on you.” He looks somber, pausing for a moment. “Let me take you back to medbay. No. Let me take you to the cabin the females prepa
red for you. I apologize. Deeply. I didn’t mean to offend you.”
He stands, ready to pull out my chair for me to leave.
“Sit down!” Whoops, that came out way too forcefully. “Sit down, please, Drayke.” He sinks into his chair, a bewildered look on his face, his head slightly cocked.
“What just happened here?” I ask.
“What just happened here is that I’m an idiot. I asked an injured female whose life has just been turned upside down if she wants to add additional confusion and allow bonding behaviors from a male she barely knows. I’m not an honorable male, Nova. I’m selfish and unthinking. You can do far better than me. Let me take you to your cabin and have Grace get you comfortable there.”
“Hold on there, Drayke. Do I have anything to say about this?”
He snaps his mouth closed and nods, stunned.
“What happens if you feed me and I don’t want to bond with you? What happens if we pursue things and at some point in the future I realize this relationship isn’t for me? I know nothing of your ways, spell it out for me.”
“I’m the male. My job is to pursue. You’re the female; all choices are in your hands. You decide if you want to begin things. You decide if you want to end things. All of my decisions are already over. I’ve brought you dessert. I’ve cut it. I’ve offered to feed it to you with my own hands. Every single determination is yours from here out.”
Really? Every decision is mine? I perk up. “Just so I have this straight, if I want to kiss you right now, that’s my choice?” He nods. “If I want to eat dessert out of your hand, that’s my choice?” He nods again. “If I want to walk away at some point in the future, I can do that, too?”
He makes a strangled sound as he nods. His muscles slacken in that handsome face. He is in abject misery. What did I say?
He rises from his chair, takes a step away, stands stock still, then sits back down. I’m trying to think of any time in my life I’ve seen a man this grief-stricken. Only once. A father on the TV news who’d just lost his son in a school shooting.
