“I just need a little time to figure this all out.”
Caroline’s stomach knotted with anticipation as she waited for his response.
“I can’t wait.” Jackson’s words came out resolute mixed with disbelief.
“What do you mean, you can’t wait?” Anger coursed through her body with the intensity of white-hot heat.
His feelings spilled out into the phone. “I can’t just sit here and wait for you any more. I’ve been waiting for the last six months and look what it’s got me…a girl with a ring on her finger and a completely shattered heart.” His tone changed back to the cruel one meant to cause her pain.
“So, what then? This is it? We end it just like this?” She spat back, her head pounding.
“I can’t keep doing this to myself. It’s torture. And it’s not fair to me.”
She felt the warmth of her anger dissipate as cold shock rapidly filled its place. “What about how I feel?”
“If you’re not going to leave him, then it doesn’t really matter how you feel, does it?” A breath tore from her mouth with a loud huff as her head shook with disbelief at his words.
“Goodbye, Caroline. I love you. Please don’t call me any more.” He hung up the phone before she could respond.
Caroline sat on Bailey’s bed, staring at her cell phone. What the hell just happened and how did things go from him telling her he loved her, to saying goodbye forever?
“Bailey!!!” Caroline yelled out through her tears, which once again, fell uncontrollably down her cheeks.
The door swung open and Bailey ran into the room. “What happened?”
Caroline shook her head. “I don’t know. One minute he was begging me not to marry Clay, telling me he loved me. And the next, he’s telling me he can’t keep doing this and not to call him ever again.”
“He said that?” Bailey scrunched up her face and gave her a weird look.
“Yeah.”
“Well, wait, hold on. Back up. He told you he loved you?” Bailey smiled.
“Among other things, yes.”
“Did you tell him you loved him back?” Bailey grinned.
Caroline eyed her friend. “I did. Do you think I’m a bad person?”
“Of course not! But, oh my God! You love him?”
“I think I do.” She shrugged her shoulders and then quickly recanted. “I mean, I know I do. I just don’t know if it’s real.”
“What do you mean; you don’t know if it’s real? Of course it’s real.” Bailey reassured.
“Well, how do I know for sure? What if I’m just convincing myself that I love him? What if I’m imagining feelings that aren’t based in reality?”
“I’m sorry, Caroline, but when in your life have you ever done that? And why would you? What would be the point?”
“I don’t know, but he’s not here and I don’t have to see him every day—so what if that’s why I think I like him so much?” Caroline shook her head and closed her eyes. “I feel completely out of control.”
“Why?”
“Because it feels like my world is spinning a million miles an hour and I’m barely holding on.”
“You can stop the spinning, you know. Or at least slow it down.”
Caroline wished she believed Bailey, but she didn’t.
“So how did it end? I mean, how did you guys get off the phone?” Bailey wondered.
“He basically hung up on me after saying not to call him again.”
“Wow. He’s got it bad.” Bailey covered her heart with her hand and stuck out her bottom lip.
“What do you mean?” Caroline was tired of feeling clueless. “And why do I feel so stupid right now? I mean, shouldn’t I be the one with all the answers? Why are you so insightful all of a sudden?”
“I’ve always been insightful, brat! You’ve just never needed my insight before because your life has always been perfect. Even when your choices were hard, you always knew exactly what you wanted, so no one could stop you. You never needed advice from anyone, because you never cared what anyone would tell you.”
Bailey shook her head and went on. “I think that’s the weirdest part for me with all of this. I just don’t really get why this situation is so different for you.”
“I think because I’m in so deep. Like I pushed for me and Clay to be here. I mean, there is no reason why Clay would feel like I wouldn’t want to marry him, you know what I mean? This was always part of my plan.”
Bailey interrupted her flow. “Until now…”
Caroline nodded her head in agreement and repeated, “Until now…”
“Well, listen. Jackson’s just telling you that you guys can’t talk any more because he’s hurt. And having you in his life is too painful. Since you’ve agreed to marry your freaking boyfriend, he can’t keep talking to you. That can only end badly for him. He’s not winning this battle, so he has to bow out before it literally kills him.”
“You should be a love counselor or something.” She smiled at her beautiful friend.
“It’s about time you appreciated my awesomeness,” Bailey remarked.
“I do,” Caroline said before she wrapped her arms around her friend’s neck. “Thank you so much, Bailey.”
Chapter Thirteen
Caroline mentally kept count of the number of days it had been since she and Jackson last talked. It surprised her that the pain in her heart never seemed to lessen as the days quickly turned into weeks.
The intercom blared and she looked down to see Bailey’s extension number on the phone’s monitor.
“What’s up?”
Bailey’s sympathetic tone asked, “Just making sure you’re okay.”
Caroline stared at the tan fabric lines of her cubicle wall. “I’m okay, thanks.”
Bailey sensed her unease. “Still counting days?”
Caroline winced. “It’s so hard, Bails. I guess I never realized how deeply he had become a part of me, you know? But it’s like I can literally feel the emptiness inside of me now that he’s gone.” She paused and her voice turned into a whisper. “It hurts to breathe.”
Bailey cringed. “I’m sorry, Care. I can’t even imagine how much it hurts.”
“I just really miss him.”
“Caroline, this came for you.” Caroline jerked and swung around in her chair as the receptionist placed a small white envelope on Caroline’s desk.
“What was that?” Bailey asked.
“Lisa just dropped off a letter for me. Let me open it and I’ll call you right back.”
Her eyes lit up when she saw the “New York, NY” postage mark. She carefully opened the envelope and removed the paper from within. It read:
Dear Caroline,
I know now that I must truly let you go. As impossible as it seems, it feels even more impossible to do. The idea of living my life without you just feels wrong somehow, but I know it’s what I have to do.
I’ve thought a lot about us these past few weeks. At first, I wanted answers as to why you came into my life if we weren’t supposed to be together. It seemed so cruel, so unfair. Why would I get to meet and fall in love with you, if I didn’t get to be with you?
I don’t know…sometimes I think that we’re like two ships passing in the night, aware of one another, but unable to come together. The current–too strong, the waves–too high, the weather–too stormy. If it was only one of those things, maybe we could have overcome it, but with all of them working against us at once, it was too difficult. Maybe if we had found each other in another time or place, things might have been different?
In all the pain however, there is hope. What you’ve given me, what you’ve made me feel. You brought me to life. I never knew I could feel so deeply for another. I never knew I could want to so badly. You’ve inspired me. And for that I am thankful.
I will always love you. I hope for your success and happiness. I wish so much that things were different for us, but I want you to know that I don’t blame you. I’m not bitter. I unde
rstand the difficult position you are in and I’m so sorry for simplifying a situation that is clearly anything but simple.
Loving you and letting you go is probably the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do. The fact that you are walking out of my life and down the aisle to another man is more painful than I can put into words. Just know that.
Forever Yours,
Jackson
Caroline struggled to catch the breath that lodged in her throat. His words sent deep fissures splintering through her already fractured heart. Desperately she attempted to read the letter again through blurred and watery eyes.
Her fingers trembled as she dialed Bailey’s extension.
“Talk to me,” Bailey answered.
“Get over here,” Caroline whispered emotionally and promptly hung up.
Bailey handed the paper to Caroline. “Holy shit. This is…I don’t even know what to say. How are you feeling? WHAT are you feeling?”
Tears spilled from Caroline’s green eyes. “I don’t know. Mostly sad, I think.”
“How come?”
Caroline shrugged. “’Cause he’s giving up. I mean, I know it’s stupid to think he’d just be there forever. But he’s letting go and that just…makes me sad.” She tried in vain to wipe away the tears.
“It is sad,” Bailey agreed.
“So, do I call him? Or text him? Or tell him I got the letter? What?”
“I wouldn’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because, Care. He just told you everything he wanted to say in that letter. You only want to call him because you’ve wanted to call him every day since that last phone call. You just think you have a reason now. But I think it would make things worse and you’d have to start all over again trying to feel better.”
“This letter makes me have to start all over again!” Caroline’s voice boomed with more intensity than she intended.
Bailey quickly scanned the office, looking at the raised heads of their co-workers and smiled. “Sorry,” she covered for Caroline. Everyone turned back to their computer screens.
“Sorry,” Caroline mumbled.
“It’s okay. You know what, though?” Bailey paused as Caroline looked directly at her. “I think Jackson’s right.”
“About what?”
“Accepting the situation and letting it go. I mean, if you guys aren’t going to be together,” Bailey raised her eyebrows and dipped her head, “then there really is no other option. You can’t keep holding on to something you said you didn’t want.”
Caroline grimaced.
“I’m not trying to be mean, Care. I’m just saying…”
“I know. You’re right. It just hurts.”
Chapter Fourteen
Clay stopped the car on the stone-paved driveway and Caroline quickly hopped out of the passenger seat. She stretched her arms into the air and shouted, “I LOVE being home!”
Clay laughed. “The weather is so much warmer here.”
“I miss it so much.” Caroline glanced up at the blue sky dotted with puffy white clouds and smiled.
Clay grabbed Caroline’s bags and closed the trunk. “I’ll bring these to your room, okay?”
“Thanks, babe,” she said as she followed him into the house. “Mom? Dad?”
“Maybe they’re still shopping for the engagement party.”
“You’re probably right.”
“Do you want me to wait with you until one of them gets back?”
“No, of course not. Go home. Tell your parents I said hi and I’ll see you all tomorrow for the party.”
“All right.” Clay bent down and sweetly kissed her mouth. “I love you,” he said as his eyes twinkled.
“I love you, too.” She watched as Clay headed out the front door and felt relief wash over her.
****
Jackson stroked the dark mane as his horse’s body moved with grace underneath his legs. He loved riding and it was the one thing he missed most on the days he lived in the city. With a gentle tug of the reins, Lily came to a slow stop and Jackson quickly hopped off. He nuzzled into the side of her brown face and gave her a quick pat. “Don’t worry, Lil, I won’t be long,” he said gently as he tied her reins around a large tree.
Shattered boards and splintered pieces of wood littered the ground around him. He knelt in the dirt to get a better look. He scratched his head. “That’s weird. It looks like it was broken right through.”
A dark shadow crossed over him and he tilted his head toward the sky. Ominous charcoal-colored clouds lingered in the sky above him, looking angry and warring. They hardly moved in any direction and Jackson noticed how they increased in size as the color turned even darker. “Get to work before these clouds dump on you, idiot,” he said out loud.
He quickly hammered at the broken boards and replaced the old shattered pieces with new, perfect ones. Subconsciously, his thoughts gravitated toward Caroline. The color of her green eyes drifted into his mind and he smacked the side of his head with his free hand. He winced at the self-inflicted blow. Pieces of conversations replayed until he shouted into the air around him, “Just leave me alone! You didn’t want me! Get out of my head!” He slammed his boots into the dirt and pieces flew in every direction.
He hated that he had allowed himself to feel so much for someone who was never available to him. He also hated how he let himself believe that they could end up together. His heart had definitely convinced his mind that she would leave her boyfriend for him. And when she didn’t—well, everything changed. He stopped believing in love. And even though he allowed himself to date Sally from the bar, he didn’t allow himself to feel a single thing for her.
Rain started to fall lightly as Jackson finished up the final board. He fastened the tools back onto his belt and headed toward the horse that watched his every move. The rain fell harder as each drop crashed into a branch, or leaf, the sounds building to a crescendo all around him. Lily pulled tightly at the reins with a nervous whinny, her tugging only securing the knot further.
Jackson stroked her neck slowly, hoping to reassure her. “Okay, girl, we’re leaving.” He worked at the knot as lightning lit up the sky and thunder rumbled in the distance. Lily refused to keep her large body still, clearly spooked by the storm. Jackson continued to fight with the knot until it loosened. He quickly unwrapped the leather from the tree as lightning blasted through the sky and struck the ground in front of him.
He jumped back as Lily bucked violently and stood on her hind legs, half crazed. Jackson fought fiercely with her, but knew he was no match for a full-sized horse. She was out of control and Jackson did everything in his power to calm her and regain control. He wrapped the reins tightly around his hands.
“It’s okay, Lily. Calm down. Calm down,” he shouted through the battering storm. He held onto her reins as securely as he could. He tried to pull her head down and hold her steady, but she wouldn’t stop bucking. Another bolt of lightning shot out from the now almost black sky and Jackson realized he couldn’t hold on any longer.
He desperately tried to unwrap the reins he had just wrapped so tightly from around his hands. He knew that if he didn’t get them undone quickly, Lily could take off and he would be powerless to do anything except drag along behind her.
Lily continued to buck and kick in fear as Jackson frantically tried to get loose. “Come on! Come on!” he screamed into the pounding rain and wind. “Almost got it,” he thought as Lily kicked one final time with ferocity. He watched helplessly as her back leg came into view. “Lily, N-!” he screamed as his body suddenly slammed violently into the ground below. Blood spilled from the side of his head, mixing with the rain and dirt. Jackson lay there motionless as Lily ran off, dragging the loose reins behind her.
Jackson drifted in and out of consciousness. He tried to move, but didn’t have the strength. The rain fell mercilessly against his face and stung whenever it struck the open wound in his head. He closed his eyes and wondered if anyone would come for him, or if he wou
ld die in that field, all alone.
Caroline’s face flashed in his mind and this time he welcomed the image. She smiled as strands of sun-streaked blonde hair fell in front of her eyes. I love you, he heard her voice say. Instinctively, he reached out to touch her, but the image faded. As he drifted between states of awareness, all he could think about was her. His eyes slammed shut and blackness enveloped him.
****
Bailey bounced happily into Caroline’s bedroom wearing a dark blue, knee-length dress. Caroline stopped fussing with her hair and turned. “Wow, Bails, you look stunning!”
Bailey twirled around. “Thanks! Now what’s going on with you?”
“I don’t know what the hell to do with my hair.” Caroline turned back to the mirror.
“I’ll do it for you,” Bailey said as she reached for the hot curling iron.
“Thank God.” Caroline watched as pieces of her long blond hair were twirled delicately around the heated iron.
“It’s the last time I’ll ask, I promise. But have you heard from him?”
“Not since that day.”
“How long has it been?” Bailey tested.
“Almost twelve weeks.”
“Still counting, eh? Well, that’s healthy.”
“Shut up.” Caroline laughed.
“How are you holding up?” Bailey asked with an edge of seriousness.
“It’s hard,” Caroline admitted honestly, “Shouldn’t I be freaking over him by now?”
“Maybe you’ll never truly be over him…”
“Well, that sucks. Aren’t you supposed to make me feel better? This IS my engagement party you know.”
“Well, maybe you’re engaged to the wrong guy.”
Caroline whipped her head to glare at Bailey. “Ow!”
“Don’t move! You can’t whip your head around like that when I have your hair all tangled up.”
“Bailey!” Caroline chastised.
“I’m kidding. Gosh, calm down,” Bailey seemed nonchalant while she continued to fuss with Caroline’s hair. “There. Perfect.” She admired the reflection in the mirror.
“Oh, that does look nice.” Caroline’s usually slick straight hair had been transformed into varying lengths of thick, wavy curls. The sides were pulled back loosely with jeweled clips that sparkled. “Thank you.”
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