So, so happy.
“You’re just jealous,” Yoss smirked at our friend who was trying to light a cigarette with a Zippo that had obviously seen better days.
“Of what? Swapping spit? I don’t think so. I have other things I’d rather be doing with my time,” Di snipped, finally tossing the dead lighter into the river. “Anyone have a book of matches? A blowtorch? Anything?” she yelled, clearly frustrated by her lack of nicotine.
Bug pulled three lighters from his pocket. “Pick one.”
Di smirked. “What’s with you and lighters? I don’t get it.”
Bug shrugged and dumped the pile in the grass at her feet.
Yoss wrapped his arm around my shoulder and kissed the top of my head. He nuzzled my hair and I beamed, feeling hot all over. “What are you getting up to today, Di?” he asked. Di was finally taking a long drag from her smoke and passed the pack to Yoss. He fished one out and dangled it between his lips.
“You’re looking at it.” She flicked ash onto the ground and spit out a stray piece of tobacco.
“I was thinking of heading to the park later,” Bug piped up, rubbing the side of his neck. He didn’t seem as strung out today, which was nice to see. Lately Bug had been high most of the time.
“That could be fun,” I said as Yoss leaned down and kissed the skin below my ear. I shivered. It would never go further than that.
Yossarian Frazier was the only eighteen-year-old boy I had ever met that wasn’t trying to get into his girlfriend’s pants.
But I couldn’t allow myself to get overly frustrated about it. Because then I’d have to think about the reasons why he wouldn’t let himself get intimate with me.
I tried to be satisfied with what he was willing to give me.
But I was sixteen. I was full of desperate, needy hormones. I wanted more. So much more.
“You want me to push you on the swings, Buggy Boy?” Shane chuckled, flipping his skateboard over in the dirt.
Bug threw a handful of rocks at Shane, who easily dodged them. “Maybe I should bury you in the fucking sandbox, asshole.”
They started shoving each other playfully and Yoss rolled his eyes. “Now play nicely kids,” he said drolly.
“It looks like the boys need to burn some energy. So I say let’s go push some kids off the seesaw,” Di snickered.
“You’re going to the park? I want to come!” Karla exclaimed, sitting down on the other side of Yoss.
“Well, the gang’s all here, let’s go,” Yoss announced, standing and yanking me to my feet. He pulled me close again, his arm around my waist. He leaned down and kissed me softly on the mouth. Lingering. And I knew Yoss’s type of intimacy was just as profound as having sex. It was in the small touches. The sweet gestures. The soft kisses I felt to the tips of my toes.
“Maybe we could try to find something to eat first. I could murder a Snickers bar about now,” I remarked lightly, trying to ignore the sick emptiness in my stomach. By the time Yoss had gotten back that morning, the bread behind the café was already gone. I hadn’t eaten anything since yesterday morning and I was starting to feel a little lightheaded.
“We can do that,” he said with a smile.
The five of us took off towards town. As we passed shops I noticed the number of families out on the streets, obviously buying back to school clothes and supplies.
My own high school would be starting next week after Labor Day. I hadn’t seen Amanda since the day she came to see me under the bridge. I hadn’t really expected to.
I hadn’t called her either, even though I had told her I would.
There were times, usually in the middle of the night, when I was alone, waiting for Yoss to come back, that I thought about going home. I thought about calling Amanda and asking her to go school shopping.
I pictured walking into Lupton High School on the first day, pretending the summer hadn’t happened, and I was still the same Imogen Conner I had always been.
What would that feel like? To wash away these past few months like a bad dream?
Would I feel relieved?
Then I’d feel guilty for thinking about leaving Yoss. For imagining a world without him in it.
Because those thoughts were born out of hunger and exhaustion. They were the discombobulated fantasies of a girl sick and tired of sleeping under dirty blankets on a hard floor, terrified for herself. And for the boy she loved.
But I caught myself watching the children wistfully just the same, wishing I were one of them.
I felt Yoss’s cool lips on my shoulder and I startled, tearing my eyes away from a girl a little younger than me, carrying a bag of brand new clothes, sipping on a milkshake while laughing with her mother.
“So where can we get some grub?” I laughed uncomfortably, hating that Yoss saw my moment of longing. I felt the tension between us. The things we didn’t say that we were both feeling.
Bug suddenly grabbed my other hand and pulled me towards a small grocery store. “Come on, Imi, let me get you a Snickers bar.”
“Are you trying to sweet talk my girl with promises of chocolate, Bug? Because we might have to throw down if you try anything,” Yoss teased and I was glad the earlier strain was gone.
Bug shrugged and put his arm around me. “We both know who’s the better looking guy. It’s only natural if Imi wants all of this.” Bug thrust his hips a few times and I rolled my eyes, giving him a shove in the gut.
“In your dreams,” I retorted not unkindly. Bug squeezed me tighter into his body and I could feel his bones protruding underneath his clothes. The wiry boy with the blond hair and the broken nose that had healed crookedly had changed a lot in the short time I had known him. Like all of us, he had lost weight, but it was more than that.
Bug had always been wacky with a side of crazy. He was the guy that was too loud, but always a lot of fun to have around. But I had noticed that lately he laughed less. He joked hardly ever. He spent more and more time elsewhere and when we did see him, his eyes were glazed and he spoke little. This was the first time in weeks I had seen him where he wasn’t either passed out or avoiding us.
Yoss said he had drug problems. Di had hinted that he, like Yoss, worked for Manny making money for his habit by selling himself. That was enough to destroy most people and it seemed to weigh heavily on his scrawny shoulders.
“You wound me, Imi,” Bug sighed, hugging me even tighter. We walked into the grocery store and I noted how Karla and Shane stayed up towards the front of the store. Close to the clerk at the register who was a youngish guy with greasy hair and sad excuse for a goatee. He watched the five of us closely as we came in.
Shane flipped through a magazine and Karla leaned against the counter, flashing the guy some boob. She tossed her hair and grinned. Karla was, if nothing else, a master at flirting. The poor socially challenged clerk didn’t know what hit him.
I didn’t really understand what was going on until I noticed Di and Yoss slip several candy bars into their pockets.
“What are you doing?” I hissed, grabbing Yoss’s arm.
He handed me a bag of Hershey’s Kisses and I stood there dumbfounded, not sure what he wanted me to do with them.
“Put them in your pocket, Imi. Quickly,” he said under his breath. I didn’t move. I knew that shoplifting was an unfortunate necessity for kids on the streets, but I had yet to do it myself.
Karla had been right; I really was naïve.
I glanced up at the clerk, who appeared engrossed with Karla’s…um…charms. “I don’t like this, Yoss,” I whispered, trying to play cool, but failing miserably.
Di had gone down another aisle and Yoss was still stuffing food into his oversized pockets. He stopped and looked down into my worried face. “It’s okay, Imi. We do it all the time.”
“But what if we get caught?” I asked, still holding the bag of Hershey’s limply in my hand.
Yoss took the chocolates from me and put them back on the shelf. He cupped my face in his hands and leane
d down so that we were nose to nose. “You don’t have to do this if it makes you uncomfortable. I will never make you do anything, Imi. Not ever. Why don’t you go outside and wait for us? We’ll be right out.”
I hesitated, not wanting to leave him, feeling an awful churning in my stomach.
Yoss kissed me. “It’s okay, I’ll be right there. Promise.”
“Promise?” I asked. It had become our thing. Promising. Keeping it. Always.
“Promise.”
I hurried towards the door, glancing back at Karla and the clerk. The stupid guy had no idea his shop was being ransacked. I felt awful about it, but I also knew that this was the reality of our situation. If you wanted to eat, you had to be willing to do questionable things.
Survival wasn’t pretty.
I noticed Bug was hanging around the side of the counter, only feet away from the clerk. He casually reached around and grabbed a couple packs of cigarettes and a few lighters, stuffing them in his pockets. He was being incredibly obvious and I couldn’t believe the clerk hadn’t noticed.
I hurried out of the store, trying not to be noticed as I loitered by the door. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and leaned against the brick building, going for casual.
The grocery store door flew open and I had to step away to avoid getting hit in the face.
Bug grabbed my arm and pulled me down the sidewalk. “Come on, let’s go!” He was laughing hysterically, his pockets bulging with stolen cigarettes and lighters.
Karla was all but skipping down the street, eating a bag of chips. I stopped, yanking my arm from Bug’s grasp. “We have to wait for the others. Where’s Yoss?”
I started to feel panicky. Had they gotten busted? What if the police were called? What would happen to Yoss then?
What would happen to me?
Just as I was about to go back to find out where he was, Shane, Di, and Yoss walked casually from the shop, laughing and talking as if they hadn’t just lifted as much food as they could carry.
Yoss glanced my way and saw the distress on my face. He came to my side in an instant, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. “What’s wrong?” he asked.
“When Bug and Karla came out without you, I thought—”
Yoss laughed and kissed me. I loved kissing him. Even when I was upset. Especially when I was upset. “You thought that wank job in there called the cops? Shit, he was too busy rubbing one out behind the counter after Karla left. Fucking filthy bastard.” He casually lit a cigarette and took a drag, blowing out the smoke in hazy rings.
Karla shrugged, stuffing more chips in her mouth. “So what did you guys get?” she asked as the group of us headed away from the store.
I looked back over my shoulder, certain I’d see police swarming the store, looking for the group of kids who had just stolen their weight in junk food and soda. But it was dead, just like it had been when we arrived.
Di pulled out a packet of powdered donuts and tossed it to Karla. “My favorites!” the pretty girl exclaimed, dropping the now empty chip bag on the ground.
“I got ya something, Imi,” Bug piped up.
“I told you he was trying to butter you up,” Yoss muttered.
Bug handed me a bar of chocolate in a brown wrapper and I grinned. “You got me a Snickers bar?”
Bug grinned. “I told you I’d get you one. So there you go. Snickers bar just for you.”
I clutched the chocolate to my chest, feeling strangely touched by his gesture. Bug was a sweet guy. And just like the rest of our group, he looked out for everyone else. They were family. They may not be blood, but out here, our bond was thicker than that.
We finally got to the park and wandered over to the picnic tables by the playground. I remembered playing in that same sandbox when I was kid. When my mother was feeling somewhat maternal she’d buy me ice cream and let me play until it was dark. Long after the other children had gone home for supper and bed, my mother let me play and play.
Her sense of responsibility had always been questionable, but there were times she had been so much fun.
I realized that I missed her.
It hit me hard.
I hadn’t expected that. Not after everything that had happened. I had been full of betrayal and rage that there hadn’t been any room for other emotions towards her.
But now, with the benefit of time, I was starting to feel other things for my absent parental figure. Things that were harder for me to handle. I didn’t want to miss her. I didn’t want to remember the good things. I didn’t want to wish for those few times she seemed to actually love me.
Yoss bumped my shoulder with his. “Hey, you okay?” he asked. He had an uncanny ability to know when I wasn’t.
I shrugged. “Just thinking,” I said.
“About what?” he prompted.
“My mom.” I grimaced. “I shouldn’t though. It’ll just put me in a bad mood.”
Yoss’s eyes darkened. “I think about my dad a lot too. Sometimes I even miss him.”
He read me so well.
“They don’t deserve for us to miss them,” I replied bitterly.
Yoss smoothed my hair back from my face. “Maybe not, but it’s okay to miss them. It’s okay to still love them. I’d rather know I was capable of loving someone who doesn’t deserve it than close my heart off even a little bit.”
“You really do sound like a self-help book sometimes, you know that?” I teased.
“Well, you should listen to my sage wisdom, then,” he chuckled.
Di and Karla headed off towards the pool and Shane joined a pickup basketball game on the courts. Bug stretched out on the ground and promptly fell asleep.
“I swear he can sleep anywhere.” I snickered as Bug began to snore.
Yoss lowered himself onto the grass and I sat down beside him. “At least he’s sober today,” he said.
“What’s going on with him?” I asked, worried about the blond-haired boy who had become my friend.
Yoss leaned back on his elbows in the grass, crossing his legs at the ankle. I rolled onto my side, propping my head up with my hand, twirling a blade of grass as I watched Bug twitch in his sleep.
Yoss’s face hardened. “He’s got problems. I mean we all do. But Bug’s are worse than mine. They’re worse than Shane’s or Di’s. He’s into some dangerous stuff that will eventually get him killed. He’s not smart about when and how he gets his drugs. He doesn’t think.”
“Di had mentioned that he works for Manny sometimes. Like you…” My words drifted off. I instantly felt bad for mentioning Manny on a nice day like this.
Yoss let out a frustrated breath. “Imi, there are things that you don’t need to know about. I don’t want—” He stopped talking abruptly.
“You don’t want what?” I asked.
“You know. I know that you know. But I’m afraid if you hear the details, you’ll look at me differently. That you wouldn’t—”
Yoss glanced over at me and my heart thudded painfully. He ran his thumb down the side of my face. “I’ve had to do things that I regret. I still do things that I regret. All the damn time. I wish things could be different. But for a guy like me, there are very few options. But that day I walked up to you when you were crying, I went against my instincts that told me to leave you alone. Because I knew that you would change my life. And you did. In the second it took for you to look at me things were different. You’re one of the only things I’ve ever gotten right, Imogen. Don’t you get that?”
“That’s bullshit, Yoss. You have options just like everyone else!” I protested.
Yoss smiled softly. “I love your idealism. I just don’t want you to stop looking at me the way you do right now. I’ve lived through a lot, but I don’t think I could survive that. And if we talk about this—about Manny—that look in your eyes will disappear.”
I opened my mouth, prepared to argue with him. But his expression had me swallowing my words.
“Oh my god! Imi!”
A couple
of girls from school were walking past the tennis courts. I wanted to hide my face. Pretend I didn’t hear them. But I didn’t. What would be the point?
They were carrying towels, obviously headed for the public pool. I recognized them as Becky Plimpton, a girl I sometimes had lunch with, and Fiona Jones who I had known since Kindergarten. Both waved at me enthusiastically.
I glanced at Yoss and noticed that he was now sitting up, watching the group approach us. I didn’t want to talk to them. I should have known better than to come to a park where I was likely to run into people I knew.
“Where the hell have you been, girl? You’ve missed all the good parties this summer!” Becky exclaimed stopping at my feet and giving me a big smile. Becky was a nice enough girl, a little on the ditzy side, but harmless.
Fiona glanced at Yoss, her eyes widening slightly. I knew what she saw. She saw a hot guy with longish black hair, beautiful green eyes, and a face to stop your heart.
I wanted to snarl at Fiona and her obvious interest.
“Are you going to introduce us to your friend?” she asked sweetly.
Yoss lifted his hand in a halfhearted wave. “I’m Yoss, Imi’s boyfriend.”
Boyfriend.
He was my boyfriend. I grinned like a fool.
Fiona and Becky exchanged a look. “Oh, I had no idea you were dating anyone,” Becky said.
“Yeah, well you know…” I let my words trail off.
“I heard you’re not living at home anymore. That you’re staying down at that place by the river where all the homeless people are. Is that true?” Fiona asked, aghast.
Yoss was all tension beside me.
Becky didn’t seem to notice his discomfort. “You’re coming back to school though, right? You’re a definite for Homecoming court this year!”
I wanted to laugh at her idiocy.
Homecoming court?
Really?
Couldn’t she tell that I didn’t give a shit about any of that? I was pretty sure my dirty shirt and stained jeans gave away my zero fucks.
“I don’t think—”
“You should bring Yoss to the dance! It’ll be awesome! Becky and I were discussing themes and we’re thinking Totally 80s. I was talking to Amanda the other day and she said we should all get together next week and start planning. It’ll be here before you know it!” Fiona prattled on.
One Day Soon Page 16
