I pulled him close, kissing his mouth firmly.
Hard. Deep.
Devouring and taking everything he had to give.
Tears tasted salty on cracked, unforgiving lips. Fingers dug into skin. Nails scrapping flesh.
Heavy breaths. Fractured hearts.
We were healing.
Or trying to.
But can two people like us ever truly mend?
I gathered his broken pieces and I held them tight.
Yoss wasn’t the only one who wouldn’t be able to let go.
Present
“Dr. Howell has been calling for you since eight,” Tess said as soon as I arrived. She accosted me just outside of my office door, her normally frazzled face, just a bit more frazzled.
“Dr. Howell? Why?” I asked, leaning my shoulder into the door as I unlocked it. My hands were full of files.
Tess followed me into my office and stood just inside the door. “He wouldn’t say. But he sounded unhappy. Though it’s sort of hard tell given how monotone he is.”
“Okay, thanks,” I said, picking up the phone on my desk and dialed Dr. Howell’s extension. Tess gave me a finger wave and left me to it.
“Hi, Dr. Howell, it’s Imogen Conner.”
“Imogen. Hello. I’m glad you’re in,” Dr. Howell said from the other end.
“Good morning, Dr. Howell.”
“Have you been up to see Mr. Frazier yet this morning?” he asked, getting straight to the point.
My stomach began to flutter wildly. “No. Not yet.”
“He had a rough night apparently. Carol, the night nurse on duty, left a note saying that he had a nightmare and became incredibly violent. He was at risk of self-injury so staff had to restrain him. When that didn’t calm him down, they resorted to sedation. I checked on him when I arrived this morning and to say he is upset would be an understatement.”
Hearing about his nightmares didn’t surprise me. Yoss had always suffered from them.
Sometimes they had been so intense that he had frightened me.
He keened in his sleep. A haunted sound full of agony. His face scrunched up as if he was in pain and tears ran down his cheeks.
I was frozen, watching him writhe and twist, as if trying to escape something only he could see.
Finally, not able to stand the sound of his sobs and screams a moment longer, I wrapped my arms around him, pressing my body close to his. He went rigid. His fingers curled into claws.
But then he relaxed. His skin flush against mine. His face tucked into my neck. I rubbed his back. Long, steady strokes. His breathing evened out. His tears dried.
And I held him.
Long after he returned to less terrifying dreams.
Until the sun rose and a new day had started.
“What do you mean he’s upset?” I asked.
“He plans to check himself out of the hospital. Even though I have advised him that is not a good idea until you have secured him housing. He insists he is leaving today. He is set in his decision and he clearly wasn’t in the mood to listen to anything I had to say. So I think it’s important you find him suitable accommodation as soon as possible. Let me know what you find,” Dr. Howell said.
“Okay. I will. I’ll speak with him now,” I told the doctor.
My heart thumped against my ribcage. Yoss was planning to leave.
I hung up the phone and grabbed my files. I all but ran to the elevator and took it to the second floor.
I should have stopped and spoken with the nurses. I should have made notes and gone over his service plan. There were a dozen boxes I should have checked before going into his room.
I did none of them.
Because I wasn’t thinking about anything but getting to Yoss before he slipped through my fingers once again.
His bed was empty. The covers were pushed back, the pillows askew. But Yoss wasn’t there.
Before I had a chance to freak out, the bathroom door opened and Yoss came out, still wearing a hospital gown. I almost sagged with relief.
“What are you doing?” I asked, sounding out of breath.
Yoss gave me a strange look. “Uh. Using the toilet.” He shuffled back to the bed and pulled back the covers so he could get in. I noted there were fresh bruises on his arms, most likely from the nurses holding him down.
He saw me staring at his arm and grimaced. “They won this round,” he joked wryly, but I didn’t smile.
“You had a nightmare,” I stated.
Yoss’s face hardened. “I always have nightmares. You know that. It’s nothing new.”
“They had to sedate you,” I went on.
“I needed a good night sleep anyway.”
“Yoss—” I began, but he cut me off.
“It doesn’t matter, I’m leaving today.”
“Like hell you are,” I snarled.
Yoss’s eyes widened in surprise. “That’s not really your call to make. I can check myself out at any time. I’m not a fucking prisoner, Imogen.”
“Where will you go? Back to that dilapidated house? You’re sick, Yoss. You can’t just go back to living like that!”
“It was good enough for you once, don’t forget,” he hissed.
“Stop it, Yoss! This is important! Let me call the Salvation Army. Tracey said she’d hold a bed for you—”
“I’ll be fine, Imi,” he excused.
“Your liver is starting to fail, Yoss. You could get an infection—”
“Look, I know you’ve got a job to do, but—”
“This isn’t about my job!” I yelled.
The door opened and the nurse on duty poked her head into the room. “Is everything okay in here?” She looked from Yoss back to me. I tried to calm myself down.
“Everything’s fine. Thank you,” I told the nurse, hoping she didn’t notice how my voice shook.
The door closed again and we sat in silence.
“Look, I know you think I can’t take care of myself. I mean, look at where I’ve gotten myself. But I have some friends I can stay with. They have an apartment and I’m sure they’d let me stay on their couch for a while. I won’t go back to that house if I can help it. I promise to try to find something else,” Yoss placated.
I couldn’t look at him. If I did, I would come undone.
Unravel and fall apart.
It had been years since I felt this pressure in the center of my chest.
A ripping that started somewhere deep down inside.
“And I’ll never see you again, will I?”
It wasn’t a question that really needed answering.
Yoss seemed intent on running away from me just as he done all those years before.
“You and I were only ever temporary, Imi.” Yoss’s voice was thick.
“Is that why you left me that day? Is that why you never came looking for me? Because I was temporary?”
Yoss sighed. “It doesn’t matter. Not now.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I repeated dully.
“Imi, that’s not what I meant—”
“Then what did you mean?”
“You and I could never have stayed together. It wouldn’t have worked,” he finally said.
“That’s bullshit. We loved each other. That’s all that matters—”
“We weren’t some sappy fucking country song, Imogen! We had nowhere to go! Because the place where we had been sleeping burned down. We lost so much already. Holding onto each other seemed foolish. And I knew I couldn’t give you the life you needed. The one you should have! I was only ever going to be some dirty man’s secret in an alleyway. You saw it! Christ, Imi, I saw your face when you found me! How could I go to bed with you at night knowing the things I’ve had to do keep us fed? I saw the way you looked at me. You loved me, sure. But you were disgusted too.”
“That’s not true!” I argued. But I was lying.
He was right.
I had been disgusted by him. And the choices he continued to make. I had felt b
etrayed. Hurt. Especially that last day. When he had made so many promises and broke all of them.
“We were going to start over somewhere else, Yoss.”
He rubbed his temples as though he had a headache. “This was never about me. It was always about you. Don’t you see that?”
I was tired of his evasiveness. “If it was all about me, you never would have left! Don’t you understand what it did to me when you never showed up? How a big part of me died that day under the bridge?”
Yoss’s eyes flashed in my direction. Fiery. Alive. It was a relief to see. But it also worried me.
“You went home, Imi! You graduated from high school! You went to college! You got a fucking job that means something! You have a home! You were married, starting a family. You were doing everything you were supposed to!” He was shouting. I should have cared about the noise we were making. I should have cared that others could have heard us.
But we were finally making headway. Getting somewhere.
I took a step forward, invading his personal space. Our faces were only inches apart. We were both breathing heavily, our cheeks flushed. I met his gaze and leveled him with the cold, hard truth. The one he seemed to be evading.
“I should have been doing those things with you.”
Yoss shook his head. “We were only together for six months—”
“Six months that might as well have been sixty years. Time is inconsequential given what we were to each other. Or was I mistaken? Was I the only one feeling the things that I did? Was it all a lie, Yoss?” I asked, barely above a whisper.
He closed his eyes, his energy draining. He sat down heavily on the bed, his elbows on his knees, gripping his head in his hands. “No. It wasn’t a lie,” he said, as if the words were wrenched out of him.
That’s all I needed to hear.
I sat down beside him, close, but not touching. “Don’t leave, Yoss. Not yet. Promise me.”
“Imogen, I can’t stay here. I’m crawling out of my skin. The smell. The sounds. It’s driving me crazy.” He dropped his hands so that they dangled between his knees. His shoulders were slumped. He looked tired. Exhausted.
“Not yet, Yoss. Please. Let me figure something out for you.” Our eyes met. They held. They clung. Fire sparked and ignited.
And burned his resistance to the ground.
“Not yet,” he agreed.
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
I had no plan.
Yoss wouldn’t go to a shelter. There were minimal funds for other accommodation. I spent all afternoon on the phone talking to social services, churches, and community boards. Anyone who could help Yoss.
But hands were tied. Resources slim. “Send him to the shelter,” I was told over and over again.
I even broke down and called Tracey Higgins.
“It took you long enough to call me back, Imogen,” Tracey said snidely.
I gritted my teeth. “I know, Tracey. I apologize. But I’m calling now to see if we can coordinate something for Yoss Frazier. He’s due to be discharged from the hospital, possibly today. I’m hoping we can come up with somewhere for him to go.”
“I told you I would hold a bed for him at the shelter,” Tracey interjected sharply.
“Tracey, Yoss doesn’t want to go to the shelter. He is very adamant about that. You know as well as I do that you can’t force someone to go,” I said evenly.
“Look, Imogen, I work my ass off in this community to provide a safe place for the homeless population. I have two security guards on at night and three full-time staff members seeing to over fifty clients a day. I sit at the table and try to do whatever needs done to help these people. Do you know what doesn’t help them?” she snapped.
“I don’t mean to insult your services—”
“What doesn’t help them are people like you, Imogen. You think you’re the only one who can save them. You want to play superhero when what you should be doing is making sure we’re all playing an equal part,” Tracey went on angrily.
I started to lose my patience. My nerves were frayed as it was and Tracey’s moral superiority complex wasn’t helping.
“Tracey, this isn’t about you or me. And this certainly isn’t about your damn pride. This about helping Yoss find a place to go!” I growled into the phone.
“My pride? Seriously? You think you’re going to get any help talking to people like this?” Tracey demanded.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I sincerely apologize,” I told her through clenched teeth.
“Humph. Well, I think you have a lot to learn about being a social worker, Imogen.”
Don’t tell her what you really think of her, Imogen. Play nice.
“Do you have funds to put Yoss in a hotel perhaps? What about transitional housing?” I changed the subject. I wanted to help Yoss, but I wouldn’t be her whipping boy either.
“Our funds are depleted for the year. As for transitional housing, there are no openings in the program currently,” Tracey responded shortly.
“There has to be an option—”
“There is. The shelter. I’m afraid that’s it. So perhaps instead of wasting my time, you should be discussing the benefits of the shelter program with Mr. Frazier. Because that’s all I can offer him at the moment.”
I knew funds were tight, but I wondered if her resistance to helping Yoss had more to do with me than anything else.
Whatever the reason, Tracey Higgins wasn’t going to help.
“Okay. Well thank you for all of your time,” I said a little sarcastically.
“Let me know if he plans to come. Goodbye.” Tracey hung up before I could say anything else.
I slammed the phone down and covered my face with my hands.
I became angry. Infuriated. And finally despondent.
Yoss was dying.
His options were few.
And there was very little I could do for him.
“He’s agreed to stay. For now,” I told Dr. Howell later that day.
“Is he still adamant about not going to a shelter?”
“Yes. I’m trying to find somewhere else for him to go, but I’m not getting a whole lot of help in that department,” I explained, feeling like a failure. Feeling like nothing I was doing would ever be enough.
“He’s lucky to have you on his side, Imogen,” Dr. Howell said and I felt my eyes sting. His words were meant to be a compliment. Why did it feel like a lie?
“Don’t leave. Not yet,” I said to him before I left that evening.
This time Yoss didn’t respond.
“Promise, Yoss,” I pleaded.
My only answer was the beating of an aching heart.
It seemed we were always ending before we had a chance to begin.
My house felt empty. I stood inside the front foyer, not bothering to turn on the lights.
This doesn’t feel right.
I jingled my keys in my hand and couldn’t make myself take another step.
“I can’t stay here. I’m crawling out of my skin.”
I was filled with dread. Yoss would disappear. He would slip quietly out of my life again. Breaking me apart in the way only he could.
I could see the resignation in his eyes. The set of his mouth. He was going to leave.
I gripped my keys so tightly in my palm that they bit into flesh.
My ex-husband’s words seemed to echo through the silent rooms. An accusation. A harsh slap in the face.
“Your heart has never been in this, Imi. I’m not sure why you ever married me in the first place.”
The thought of Yoss going back to the world he came from, the world we had lived in together, made me want to throw things. It made me want to rage and scream and cry.
He held me as the sun set over the horizon. We were so close. I knew that I’d never love like this again. I felt it with the certainty of a young, passionate heart.
“One day soon,” Yoss murmured into my hair.
; “One day soon,” I repeated softly.
I didn’t realize I was crying until the tears dripped onto my lips.
I had been waiting.
Some days patiently.
Some days not so patiently.
To find him again.
I turned on my heel and walked back out of the house. I got into my car and pulled out of the driveway.
I drove back towards the only place I could go.
My happy life.
“What are you doing back here?” Yoss asked, looking up in surprise when I all but flew into his room. He took in my flushed cheeks and windblown hair and frowned. “What’s wrong, Imi?”
I put a hand over my thumping, thumping heart and tried to get my breathing under control. I hadn’t stopped to speak to anyone. I felt like time was running out. I couldn’t wait another moment.
I didn’t think about consequences. I didn’t think about outcomes.
I only thought about giving Yoss all the things he deserved. The things I had promised him. The things I had failed to give him.
“You’re coming home with me,” I announced.
Yoss’s frown deepened. “What are you talking about?” He put the magazine he was reading down on the table and sat up straighter.
I walked over to his bed, not bothering to take off my coat. I sat down and took his hand. I purposefully, slowly, laced our fingers together. Palm to palm.
“I want you to come and stay with me, Yoss. Right now. Tonight.”
Yoss stared at me long and hard and I couldn’t read his expression. I noted that he didn’t look particularly thrilled with the idea.
“Don’t, Imogen. Please, just don’t,” he said, almost angrily.
I squeezed his hand hard. Maybe too hard. I wasn’t being delicate. I was feeling sort of wild.
“Why can’t you?” I demanded.
Yoss’s green eyes burned. “Because you have a life, one that doesn’t include me. I won’t mess that up. I can’t. So just drop it, Imi. Because I’m not strong enough to say no to you. You need to be strong enough for both of us.” He turned his face away, towards the darkened window.
I reached out and touched his face. “I have a life, Yoss. That’s true. But it’s never been the life I wanted. Not really. I have a job. I have a house. I have friends. But it’s never felt like enough.” I gently gripped his chin and pulled his face back towards me. His cheeks were wet. It shattered me slowly.
One Day Soon Page 20
