Bruno peered at him shrewdly. “Whatcha got?”
“I’ve got some cash, but you can pick what you want from my stuff if you want,” Yoss offered.
“How about that stereo I saw you lugging in here a couple of months back.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s fair,” Yoss muttered, though he didn’t seem happy about it. Yoss loved his stereo. We listened to music every night before we went to sleep. It helped to drown out the misery around us.
I wanted to tell him to not give it to Bruno. To find something else to trade. But it wasn’t mine. Yoss could do with it what he wanted.
“Awesome.” Bruno grinned, looking pretty pleased with the arrangement.
Yoss got to his feet, putting his hand to his neck. Bruno looked at me again, his eyebrows raised. “You sure I can’t interest you in a little ink? Maybe a butterfly on your hip?”
Yoss kissed my temple, his lips soft on my skin, his breath warm in my hair. “She’s perfect as she is.” I closed my eyes briefly, my heart full.
“Fucking hell, stop that shit,” Bruno grumbled.
“Let’s get the stereo before he gets pissy,” Yoss said and I nodded.
We walked over to our sleeping spot and Yoss took out the CD we had been listening to earlier and left it on the pile of stuff he had accumulated over the years.
“Why did you want to get that tattoo so bad that you’d give up your stereo?” I asked, not understanding.
“There are few things in this world I can claim as mine,” Yoss said, wiping dust from his fingers. “My name is one of them.”
I frowned, still confused.
“Your name?”
“Live forever, Imi, or die in the attempt. That’s what the character Yossarian was all about. Heller had it right, don’t ya think? Maybe good ol’ Mom was trying to tell me something by giving me this crazy name. Imparting some sage maternal wisdom I need to hold onto.”
I rolled my eyes even though my heart hurt for him. “I think you’re reading a little too much into a name.”
He grabbed my hand and pressed it against the side of his neck, covering the bright red figure still sticky from dried blood and ointment. “You’re probably right, but I don’t care. Because it’s me. It’s mine. And like the messed up dude in that novel, I just want to live forever as long as it’s with you.” When he leaned down and kissed my raw, cracked lips I forgot everything. “I don’t need a great life. I only want a happy one,” he went on. Truth. Plain and simple spilled at my feet.
Wild green eyes. He pulled me under and he held me there. He kissed me harder, branding me his. “You’re my happy life, Imi.”
“I love you, Yoss Frazier.” He smiled.
Yossarian. My Yoss.
My happy life.
“I think…” I began hesitantly, not sure how my words would be received. “I think we should leave here. Go somewhere together and start a real life. A good life. One that doesn’t involve sleeping under moldy blankets on a concrete floor.”
Yoss’s fingers dug into my back and I winced. It hurt. I knew he didn’t mean to be so rough so I didn’t pull away. I would never pull away from him.
“You want to leave,” he said, his voice strangely dull.
I looked up at him, my throat feeling uncomfortably tight. “You’ve had to have thought about it, Yoss. You’re eighteen. You can’t live in this warehouse forever. We could get jobs. Get an apartment.” My voice grew louder. More insistent.
Yoss looked down at me, his eyes troubled. “Imogen, I’d give you the world if I could.” He brushed the hair back from my face. “But I don’t have the world to give you.”
“Fucking hell, Yoss, I’ve got shit to do! I thought you just came over here to get the stereo. Not to grope your girlfriend,” Bruno shouted.
Yoss took a step away from me and I felt the distance instantly. I shivered. All the way to my bones. His kisses were always too brief. His touches never quite enough. He loved me. I knew that. So why was he hesitant to do what I suggested?
How could he not want to leave this world behind? This dangerous, horrible world where he was expected to give away parts of himself for dollars in his pocket.
How could he not to put distance between himself and the man who had become scared to be intimate with the girl he loved because of the awful things he had been forced to do?
Yoss lifted the stereo and handed it to Bruno, who took it with a grunt, ambling off with his score.
“Let’s leave, Yoss. Tonight,” I whispered, staring out into the thick darkness inside the warehouse.
Too many people milled about. Not enough space. Too little room to accommodate so many.
“I love you, Imogen.” He meant it too. But love was different to him.
It didn’t necessarily mean having a future.
I’d soon learn the hard way what defined his love.
And it would hurt.
Yoss softly sang me to sleep, his arms wrapped around me.
He had never responded to my suggestion about leaving. We had gone to bed, the urge to flee still tight and coiled in my gut.
But it had slipped away. Lost in things not spoken.
We were roused from sleep by the sound of screams.
Terrified screams. The kind that came with life and death.
Yoss sat up and I wiped grit from my eyes.
It was then that I smelled it.
Smoke.
It was everywhere. Thick and heavy. Not the smoke from the fires people started in trashcans to keep warm.
This was the raging kind.
Out of control.
The screaming multiplied until it was a cacophony of fear.
“Shit! We’ve got to get out of here!” Yoss yelled into my ear, pulling me to my feet.
“Let me just get—” I started to grab a few of my things. I didn’t have much, but what I did have I didn’t want to leave behind.
“You can’t, Imi! We’ve got to go. Now!” Yoss wrenched on my hand, pulling me from our corner, pushing us through throngs of people running for the doors.
“Yoss! Imi! Oh my god!” Di panted, running to catch up with us. Shane and Karla were right behind her, their faces dirty and covered in soot, their eyes wide and frightened.
“There’s a fire. It’s everywhere!” Karla shrieked hysterically. And she was right. I could see the flames licking up the walls. The heat burned my skin.
“Where’s Bug?” Yoss asked, but I never heard an answer.
I was knocked to the ground and lost my grip on Yoss’s hand. I was kicked in the stomach, the air whooshing out of me, the pain making me curl into a fetal position. Someone stepped on my hand and I thought I could feel my bones crunching together.
“Yoss!” I screamed. It didn’t matter. No one could hear me. The smoke was so thick I couldn’t breathe.
I tried coughing to clear my airway but it didn’t help. I pushed myself up onto my feet, stumbling forward, my hands reaching out in front of me as I tried to make my way out of the warehouse.
“Yoss!” I yelled and yelled and yelled. His name desperate on my lips.
“Come on, Imogen. We need to get out of here!” Hands on my shoulders steering me out of the inferno raging behind me. The heat of the fire seared my skin and I gladly went with my savior.
My lungs burned and dark spots floated in front of my eyes. I could barely see. I was certain that I was going to die.
I had no doubt this was how my life would end. Burned alive.
“Yoss,” I blubbered, tears sticky on my cheeks.
“I’m sure he’s outside freaking out about where you are,” a voice said softly in my ear. Comforting. I felt a little better. I glanced over my shoulder and froze.
“Manny.” The horrible man with the deceptively kind face gave me a sweet smile.
“Keep moving. The roof looks as though it’s about to come down.” He gave me a shove in the middle of my back and pushed our way through the hysterical crowd that were scrambling like rats to f
ind safety.
Finally we were outside and I gulped in fresh air. It hurt, but I was thankful I could finally breathe.
“Don’t stop. We need to get clear of the building in case it collapses,” Manny instructed but I hesitated, jerking my arm from his grasp.
“I need to find Yoss. I won’t go anywhere without him. Especially with you,” I hissed, glaring at the man I had been so grateful to only minutes before.
Manny blew out an exasperated breath. “I know Yoss and that boy will survive no matter what. He’s here somewhere. Stop being such an idiot and come on.” He wrapped his fingers around my wrist and pulled me again.
There was a violent roar and I looked back towards The Pit, watching the building become entirely engulfed in flames. I could hear sirens in the distance.
There were at least a hundred people milling about adrift, hopeless. Defeated.
We had all lost something.
The only place we could call home.
“Yoss!” I sobbed. What if he was still inside?
Not able to hold myself up, I collapsed to my knees, not paying any mind to the bite of gravel through the holes in my jeans. It was freezing. A fine dusting of snow had started to settle over the ground. I only wore a hooded sweatshirt and a lightweight jacket but I didn’t feel the cold.
I was panicking.
“We’ll find him—”
“I’m not going anywhere with you!” I snarled. Manny held up his hands in surrender.
“Fine, suit yourself. Die out here. I was just trying to help.” He hurried off and I was glad when he left me alone.
I got to my feet and started to run back towards the building. “Yoss!” I screamed. I’d go back inside if I had to. I wouldn’t leave him!
“Imi!”
I turned around, convinced I was hallucinating. Yoss sprinted over to me, pulling me into his arms and holding me close. He pressed his face into my hair and I buried my nose into his flannel shirt that stank of sweat and smoke. It was the best smell in the world.
“I thought you were still inside! Oh my god, Imogen, I thought—” Yoss’s voice broke and shattered, his entire body trembling as he held on, refusing to let go. He let out a sob and clutched me so tightly it hurt.
I didn’t care. I hurt him back.
“Imogen! We were freaking the fuck out!” Di exclaimed, appearing beside us, a dazed Shane and a shell shocked Karla with her.
“We have to get out of here. The authorities are here. They’ll start asking questions. We can’t be here,” Shane rambled nervously. He was twitchy and pale, obviously coming down from something.
“Where’s Bug?” Yoss asked, his hands running up and down my back.
“I don’t know. I thought he was with you,” Di said, looking around. We couldn’t see much. Too many people. Too much smoke.
“No, I didn’t see him. I thought he was with you tonight.” Yoss had a note in his voice. One that bothered me.
“He was. He passed out hours ago…” Karla said, her voice trailing off.
“Did anyone wake him up when the fire broke out?” I asked, almost hating to. Because I felt it. Deep inside.
We all did.
“I shook him. He woke up. I was pretty sure he was behind me—” Di started to say.
“Did you even wait for him? He was high as fuck this evening, Di! He can’t even tie his shoes when he’s like that!” Yoss yelled, causing us all to flinch. I had never heard him like this.
Yoss let go of me finally, running a hand through his hair, the long dark strands sticking up on all sides. “We have to find him.”
“Yoss, I don’t think—” Shane began, glancing at me nervously. I knew what he was going to say.
Bug was still inside.
He never got out.
“Come on. He probably passed out again somewhere. We’ll find him,” Yoss insisted, tugging on my hand.
“Okay, let’s look,” I conceded. Di nodded. Shane and Karla exchanged looks but followed us.
“He’s here somewhere. We can’t leave him. He’ll be flipping out. Bug doesn’t handle shit well,” Yoss mumbled, his thumb running up and down the back of my hand in a frantic, repetitive gesture.
“Let’s see if we can find him,” I said.
Yoss started asking everyone whether they had seen Bug. No one had. Most people had already left, trying to find someplace warm to sleep.
The snow was falling heavier and my face was going numb. I couldn’t feel my toes and the shock of the evening’s events was starting to wear off.
“Yoss, he’s not here. The fire department is working to put the fire out and police are starting to round up people and send them to shelters. I think we need to get out of here,” Di stated after a few minutes.
“We cannot leave without Bug! He’s fucking family, Di! He’d do the same for you!” Yoss shouted, shaking hard from the cold and trauma.
I wrapped an arm around his waist. I was worried he would collapse. “Di’s right, Yoss. It’s freezing out here. We should find somewhere warm. And we don’t want to deal with the police—”
“I’m not going anywhere until I find Bug. You guys can go. That’s fine. But Bug’s my brother. I won’t abandon him.” He looked down at me, his eyes bright. “I won’t, Imi,” he whispered.
I didn’t want to mention the very real possibility that Bug was still inside. That he wouldn’t be coming out again. Yoss wasn’t ready to hear that.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I told him. Yoss gave me a sad smile, framing my face with frigid hands. He leaned down and kissed me. Not hard. Just enough.
“Thank you, Imi,” he murmured against my mouth.
“Shane, Karla, and I will head to the bridge and try to find someplace we can sleep for the night. We’ll ask around some more. But Yoss, I think you need to prepare yourself for—”
“Shut up, Di!” Yoss snarled and she shut her mouth in surprise. She didn’t say anything else. The three of them left and Yoss and I did another sweep around The Pit.
Still no Bug.
“We’ll wait here. This is where he’d look,” Yoss said, settling down on the other side of the parking lot, far enough away from the building to be safe, but we could still see everything that was going on.
I huddled down in my thin jacket and pulled my hood over my head. The snow was cold underneath me as I sat beside Yoss. He took a pair of gloves from his pocket and handed them to me.
“No, you need them,” I protested.
“I’d rather you be warm,” he insisted, pulling them onto my hands. He pulled me into his chest and we sat there, looking for our friend. While the snow fell and we froze slowly.
“He’ll show up.” Yoss sounded so convincing.
I didn’t believe him.
And I knew that, deep down, he didn’t believe himself.
Present
“I have met your mother before,” Yoss said as we drove through Lupton.
“What?”
“A long time ago.” Yoss fiddled with the stereo, stopping on an oldies station that was playing an Alice in Chains song I hadn’t heard in forever.
“You need to explain that one, Yoss,” I said.
“It was after you graduated from college. You had just moved back to Lupton.”
My hands gripped the steering wheel, hardly able to believe what I was hearing.
“I don’t understand,” I murmured weakly.
“I saw you that day, unloading boxes from your mom’s car. I spoke to your mom after you had gone inside. She said you were doing well. That you had a job in the city.” Yoss picked at a spot on his jeans.
“Why didn’t you wait to speak to me? To let me know you were okay?” I demanded, my voice rising. I was in shock. Total and complete shock.
“Look, Imi, you were doing good. You had graduated from college. You had a job. You were smiling and laughing. I remember your laugh most of all.” He paused and glanced out the window. “I was still on the streets. Still making money the onl
y way I knew how. But you—you had done something with your life. I didn’t want to fuck that up.”
Yoss turned back to me, his eyes serious and stern. “Because I knew that if you saw me you’d move heaven and Earth to be with me. And the man I was then couldn’t allow that.”
I was so damn angry. Furious.
How could he have done this to me?
Why?
“You made decisions that had to do with me for me and that’s not okay, Yoss. I had no idea what happened to you. Where you went. If you were all right. Do you have any idea what that did to me?” I asked, my voice trembling.
Yoss’s brows furrowed. “I never meant—I thought—” He shook his head. “I thought I was doing the right thing. I really did. But it seems every time I make a choice with good intentions it ends up being a bad idea.”
I loosened my grip on the steering wheel, forcing myself to relax. I was torn between wanting to scream at him and wanting to cry. So much time wasted. So many years spent wondering.
I glanced at him and he was chewing furiously on his bottom lip, looking upset.
“It was probably the right thing to do,” I said finally, surprising both of us.
Yoss looked at me, confused. “It was? But you just said—”
“I would have followed you anywhere, Yoss.”
And we both knew that was the problem.
“I should have let you know I was okay though. I shouldn’t have made you worry for so long,” Yoss conceded.
So many what ifs.
What if he had never left me?
What if I had convinced him to leave town?
What if he had taken the time to talk to me that day at my mother’s house?
What if he had made a different life for himself?
But what was the point in all of that? It changed nothing.
I let go of the anger. Slowly.
“I’m sorry, Imi,” Yoss said quietly.
“I’m sorry too,” I replied.
My apology wasn’t for anything I had done. It was for the circumstances those kids from years ago had found themselves in. It was an apology for things I had no control over.
We drove the rest of the way to river in silence.
“I haven’t been in this part of city in a long time,” I commented, parking my car along the river and getting out.
One Day Soon Page 27
