He was on his knees.
And then I saw the man with his sick, sick smile. His hand on the back of Yoss’s head. Holding him in place.
I backed away, stumbling over a beer bottle and falling to the ground.
The man opened his eyes and looked in my direction. He pushed Yoss away and hurriedly zipped up his fly.
He threw something on the ground and ran in the other direction.
Yoss picked up whatever the man had tossed at him and tucked it in his pocket, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He looked over his shoulder.
My heart broke.
His eyes shattered.
I turned and I left. Without saying a word.
Present
“I am not staying here!” Yoss seethed hours later, trying to pull the IV from his arm.
“Stop it! Just stop it!” I beseeched him, trying to calm him down. I was at my wit’s end. We had been at the hospital for over six hours and Yoss had become increasingly more agitated as time went on.
He had been rushed back once we got there and Dr. Howell was called. He didn’t ask why I was with him. It wasn’t really important. Because Yoss was delirious, coming in and out of consciousness.
“He’s going into acute liver failure,” Dr. Howell pronounced once the test results had come back. “The rest of his organs will begin to fail unless—”
“He gets a liver transplant,” I finished for him. “Where is he on the list?”
“Given his condition, he has been bumped up, but I’m not sure when one will become available. And I’m not sure how much time he has,” Dr. Howell stated grimly.
“What can we do?” I asked, my throat tight, my eyes burning.
“I’ll make some calls. See what strings I can pull. Otherwise we keep him rested. Fed. Comfortable. And then we wait. That’s all we really can do. I’ve upped his anti-virals and that should help him in the meantime. But it’s not a fix. He needs a new liver. Soon.” Dr. Howell looked up from Yoss’s file to where I stood by his bed, wringing my hands. Not doing anything to hide my fear. My anxiety.
“How was it that you arrived with Mr. Frazier? Were you meeting with him? I see his information still hasn’t been updated. Jason assured me you would have it completed yesterday. It’s important that Yoss is somewhere clean and safe. The infection risk—”
“He’s staying with me, Dr. Howell. He’s clean. He’s safe.” I bit down on my lip, watching Yoss’s sleeping face. He had collapsed in exhaustion only minutes before.
Dr. Howell didn’t say anything for a long time. “You know him.”
I nodded. “I’ve known him for a long time.”
More silence. The beeping of monitors. The sound of my heart breaking. The ending of a story that had only just begun.
“Just remember to fill out the rest of the paperwork. I’ll be back when he wakes up,” was all Dr. Howell said and left quietly.
“Please, Imi, just take me home. I want to go home,” he pleaded, taking my hand and pressing it to his mouth. “This place makes me crazy. All the poking and prodding and beeping. It’s fucking horrible!”
“Dr. Howell will be by to talk to you. You need to hear what he has to say first.” Yoss started pulling at the IV again. “Stop it!” I swatted his hand. “Just lie back down. If you drop dead because of your own stupid stubbornness, I will bring you back to life just so I can kill you myself!” I threatened.
Yoss finally left the IV alone and leaned back against the pillow. His strength was returning and there was finally some color in his cheeks. His eyes were more yellow than they had been that morning, which scared me.
“Well, I can’t have you reviving me just to murder me, can I?” Yoss snickered and I rolled my eyes, hiding my fear as best I could.
“So what did the good doc say? Am I toast?” Yoss asked dismissively and I glared at him. He looked contrite. “I didn’t mean to say that. I’m sorry. I know you’re worried. I’m sorry I worried you.” He tugged on my hand. “Come here,” he whispered. I inched closer.
His mouth quirked up slightly. “Closer than that.”
I leaned over him and he pulled my face down to his. “I’m sorry,” he whispered again just before he kissed me.
“I want you to be healthy, Yoss. I want you to get better and you can only do that if you listen to what Dr. Howell tells you to do. I want—” My voice cracked and I tried to get myself together. “I want our happily ever after, damn it!”
“And we’ll have it. I promise,” Yoss said.
I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against his. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep. You’ve done that too many times before.”
“Hey, look at me,” he murmured and I opened my eyes. Bright, bright green. “Even if our story doesn’t last forever, we’ll have a happy one while we’re living it. I can promise you that.”
I didn’t like that promise.
Not at all.
It sounded temporary.
Hadn’t he said that’s all we were?
I refused to believe that.
“What are you doing in ICU? Is everything all right?” Jason asked, finding me outside of Yoss’s room, chewing on my nails.
“Um. Well…” What should I say?
“Im, are you here checking up on your new client?” Tess asked, her eyes widening slightly.
I swallowed thickly. “Yes. I’m here checking on…”
“Agnes Sutton,” Tess filled in.
“Agnes Sutton. That’s right,” I said with relief.
Jason seemed to believe me. “Okay. I was just looking for Dr. Silvious. Have you seen him? He’s been hounding me all day about one thing or another.” My boss looked around distractedly.
“No, can’t say that I have,” I said tightly.
Jason patted my shoulder. “I’ll see you later, Imogen.”
Jason headed for the nurses’ station and I let out a noisy breath.
“You want to tell me why I felt the need to rescue you there?” Tess asked. She looked at the ICU room behind me. “Who’s in there, Im? What’s going on?”
Before I could say anything, she pulled the patient chart from the wall and looked at the name at the top.
“Yossarian Frazier. Isn’t that your homeless client?” she asked, frowning.
“Yes,” I replied weakly.
“What happened to him?” Tess looked at me with concern.
“He’s been slipping in and out of consciousness. Nose bleeds. Nausea. He’s going into acute liver failure,” I told her, my voice wobbling, unable to hide my emotion.
Tess narrowed his eyes. “Yossarian Frazier,” she said.
“Yes, that’s him,” I nodded.
Tess looked back down at his chart. “This doesn’t look good, does it?”
“No, it doesn’t.” I tried not to sob. Tess must have heard it.
“It doesn’t look like the bloom will have a chance to fade, huh?” Tess observed.
“I hope not, Tess. God, I hope not.” I turned towards the window looking into Yoss’s room, pressing my hand against the glass.
I felt Tess’s hand on my back and didn’t say anything else. I took comfort in her unspoken acceptance.
“I’m not staying here, Dr. Howell. Is there any reason I need to?” Yoss demanded. It was almost nine o’clock. Dr. Howell looked tired. Yoss had been arguing his discharge for the last forty-five minutes.
“Yoss, we’d like to keep you here for observation. Your liver can no longer synthesize proteins properly, thus your blood can’t clot. That’s incredibly dangerous. That’s why you’ve been experiencing nose bleeds. Your liver is shutting down. When that happens the rest of your organs will begin to shut down as well. Your best option is to stay in the hospital—”
“Why? Is there anything you can do for me here that I can’t do for myself?” he asked.
“We need to have you ready when a liver becomes available,” Dr. Howell reasoned.
“Can’t you call if one shows up? Why do I
have to wait around here for it?” Yoss wasn’t letting Dr. Howell sway him in the slightest. The beleaguered doctor looked to me for assistance.
I took Yoss’s hand, not caring that we weren’t alone. Dr. Howell knew about us now, hiding was over. “Dr. Howell is only after your best interests. You should listen to him. What will happen if you cut yourself? You could bleed out? Or what if you lose consciousness again?” I argued.
Yoss kissed the back of my hand. “Then you’ll call nine-one-one again and I’ll come here. It’s not like we’re a million miles away from the hospital,” he reasoned.
“I’d feel much better if you’d stay here. It’s better for you should something happen to be on site. Minutes could cost you your life, Yoss,” Dr. Howell reminded him.
Yoss was silent, seeming to think about what Dr. Howell had just said. He looked up at me, his eyes pleading. “Please, Imi. I just want to go home with you.”
I glanced at Dr. Howell who didn’t look very pleased, but I also know the decision was ultimately Yoss’s. I’d watch him. I’d make sure he was okay. I could do that for him.
For however long he had.
“Then let’s go home.”
“If I’m going to die, then I want to die like this. With you,” Yoss said with a smile.
“Don’t say stuff like that!” I retorted angrily. “Don’t even mention dying! That’s not how this is going to end. Not after everything we’ve been through!”
I was getting hysterical. I pressed a fist to my heart, having trouble breathing. Tears burned my eyes and I couldn’t see clearly.
“I was trying to lighten the mood. I’m sorry,” he said, aghast. I felt his hands on my shoulders, leading me to the couch. He wrapped his arm around me and I felt us both trembling.
“Your jokes suck,” I muttered, wiping my face.
“It’s a good thing I never considered stand-up comedian as a career choice,” he laughed, though it was strained.
“You look tired. Maybe you should rest,” I suggested, running my fingers along the curve of his jaw.
“No. I want to be here. Right now. With you. I can rest later,” Yoss replied, brooking no argument. “Just let me hold you for a while. That’s the only thing I need.”
We sank into the couch, holding onto each other as if we were scared there wouldn’t be another moment like this. And maybe there wouldn’t be. Tomorrow wasn’t guaranteed. Not for two people like us.
I had forgotten what it was like to live for the present. To embrace the now.
To find beauty in a heartbeat. A sunset.
In roller-skating and old movies.
I had forgotten what it felt like to be a girl who loved a boy above everything else.
My heart cracked open and bled out on the floor.
It hurt.
I remembered that part.
The pain.
“I have never regretted leaving you that day under the bridge. Not for one second,” he said quietly, staring out the window. His breathing was labored but he held me tightly.
The ache overwhelmed me. Choking me. Swallowing me whole.
I’d die from the agony.
“What? How can you say that?” I rasped. He was killing me. Oh so slowly. With his words that shredded me apart.
“Because the boy I was then could never have gotten you here.” He looked around the room. “I was a mess. Hell, I’m still a fucking mess. I’m broken and used and thrown away. I’m dirty. From the inside out. I always knew I’d drag you down with me. I’m terrified I still will.” He clung to me. Desperate and terrified.
“I knew when you saw me that you and I could never be together. Not then. Not like that.” Yoss clung to me. His words coming out as a sob. Mournful and devastated.
“I shouldn’t have come looking for you. I should have known Manny did that on purpose. Sending me to find you.”
I had spent a lot of time thinking about it over the years. That moment that changed everything. Seeing Yoss on his knees. Being forced to face the person he was.
Manny had known what he was doing.
He set out to ruin Yoss and me. He had no intentions of letting Yoss go. I had been too young and naïve to know that then.
Hindsight was a bitch.
“Manny told you where I was?” Yoss asked in surprise. He never knew.
“He told me you had come to see him. That he gave you one more job. Manny even told me where you were. He wanted me to see—” I couldn’t finish. Not even after all this time. The memory burned my mind. Branding it with things I wish I could forget.
“Yet you still waited for me,” Yoss whispered.
I pulled away from him, staring up into his face. “How do you know I waited for you?”
Yoss sighed. A deep exhalation that told me everything.
“You saw me there. In the rain. Waiting for hours.” My throat tightened.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured.
“Why did you do it? Why did you go to Manny?” I was so, so calm. I expected the anger. I expected the betrayal. But deep down I had expected his words. I had known in some small way the reasons behind his decision to leave.
So I listened to his words. I drank in the truth that had been denied for so long.
“Because I’m a guy who always makes mistakes. I can’t seem to help it. I can sit here and tell you my heart was in the right place. That I told myself it would be a one off to get some money to take care of you. That I just wanted to go into our new life with some sense of security. That I loved you so fucking much but I was terrified that I couldn’t keep you safe. Cared for. That I’d never be enough. I self-destructed. I lost you. And I felt as if I deserved that. That you were always a dream. One that I was lucky enough to hold onto for a little while.” His gaze moved to the window. “Then you became a memory. The kind that warms during dark nights and lonely days. You were my happy life. Even when you were living your own.”
“I’ve been full of a lot of regret, Yoss. It colored every part of the last fifteen years. But—” I shook my head. “I can’t hold onto it any longer. Not now.”
Yoss’s face crumpled. “I can’t expect your forgiveness.”
I took his hand, raising it to my mouth. Soft, sweet kisses on his palm. “You already have it.”
He was shaking. His breathing ragged. I wasn’t sure if it was from the emotion or his disease.
He was fading.
I could see that.
It terrified me. For tonight I would hold on and not let go.
“No more talk of the past, Yoss. We can’t keep looking to what should have been.” I framed his face with my hands. “We have to move forward. Towards what can be.”
I reached for him.
He reached for me.
We met in a rush of tears and sighs.
Our lips crashed into each other.
We were on our feet. Moving back to the bedroom. The lights were off. It was dark. We fumbled and tripped. Laughing and smiling the whole time.
We had had enough misery.
I wasn’t sure how my clothes ended up on the floor. I was naked. Yoss’s bare skin flush against mine. We made our way to the bed. Kissing. Always kissing.
“We should take it easy, you were just in the hospital,” I murmured.
Yoss kissed my mouth. Hard and firm. “You and I have never been easy. We’re not starting now.”
His hand ran up my inner thigh until he found me wet and needy. “I have to know what you feel like. Inside. I will never know what it’s like to be just you—just me—without a barrier between us. I want to feel you. Like this. If that’s all I can ever have.”
He slipped his finger inside me. We groaned together as he worked his hand. Another finger. Then another. Stretching and filling me.
“Imi,” he moaned, his mouth smothering my cries and his moved his hand between my legs. Slipping in and out.
“I love you,” I gasped as I felt myself crumbling. Little by little then all at once in a flood.
&
nbsp; “I love you,” he gave back to me.
“Please, Yoss. I need…” I couldn’t put into words exactly what I needed.
But I knew that he understood.
“I’m still not sure about this. The risk is too much,” Yoss argued, his fingers still inside me.
“We’ll be careful. I wouldn’t put my health at risk. No matter how much I want this,” I assured him. I reached down at pressed his fingers into me. Higher. Deeper.
Yoss slowly withdrew his fingers and found his jeans on the floor, pulling out his wallet. I watched him as he located a condom and tore the foil.
I had an intense sense of déjà vu. I remembered, with excruciating clarity, watching him before.
In a dirty motel room, weighted down with love and grief.
Scared but oh so sure.
Yoss came back to me a moment later, pulling me towards him.
“I want to see you,” he said, echoing words spoken long ago. I turned on my bedside light and stared up into his face.
His eyes were so green. Startlingly so against the yellow around them. I knew he was sick, but right then, he was more beautiful than I had ever seen him.
“Are you sure you’re okay? We don’t have to—”
Yoss cut me off with a brutal kiss. “There is nothing that I want more.”
He was there.
Then he was inside.
So deep.
So full.
We let out a breath together.
Our hearts pumping madly.
I felt his tears on my face. I didn’t wipe them away.
“I love you,” he whispered.
“I love you,” I whispered.
Time moved so slowly. Languid and easy we curled in on each other, finally finding a peace that had evaded us for too long.
We had been tiptoeing to this point. Scared and unsure. Hesitant and overanxious. But when we made the leap it was worth it.
All the misguided heartache. The roller coaster of emotions. The anger. The worry. The grief.
We were here. In our magical moment, living the story we had written.
“I want a family with you. I want a house full of children and holidays at the ocean,” Yoss said tiredly, his fingers tracing lazy circles on my naked back.
One Day Soon Page 34
