Once we were inside his Jeep, he started it up. “Shit, I’m cold,” he hissed.
I grinned at him. “You’re the one that stood in the rain and got soaked.”
“It’ll be okay,” he muttered when his phone dinged. He picked it up then started grinning. “Look.” He leaned over and showed me the screen.
I’m rooting for you.
So, don’t disappoint me.
It was a text from Mom. We both start laughing and watched as she pulled out. I buckled up. “Where to?” I asked him.
“To Dean’s to watch a movie and cuddle.”
I leaned over closer to him. “I love the way you say cuddle, as big as you are. So sexy.”
He looked over and smirked. “You love me. Period.”
“I do,” I didn’t waste a breath.
Only when we got to Dean and Janet’s house, he did something that gave my heart even bigger wings. He cranked up his stereo with something country instead of turning the Jeep off. I gave him a strange look and he just grinned and ran out into the soft but frigid rain. I shook my head and watched as he made his way to my door and opened it. “What are you doing?” I asked.
“Giving you another adventure,” he answered with his hand stretched out for mine. “Come on, this one will be in the rain.”
“Are you crazy? It’s the first of December and it’s freaking cold out!” I screamed as he took my hand and pulled me out into the rain. I hunched my shoulders up and laughed as he pulled me into his wet clothes and spun me around before lifting me over his head.
“You make a good umbrella,” he teased.
“It’s freakin’ cold!” I shivered as he placed my boots on his and started moving us to the music.
“You’re not shaking from the cold, you’re shaking because you love me so much.”
I threw my head back and giggled. “You say the stupidest things.” When I met his eyes, I whispered, “How do I fall for everything you say?”
“Because… I’ve been working on me since we were kids so that I could have you and keep you when we got older.” I wrapped my arms around him. “I’ve also been working you over too since we were kids.”
“Good Lord, what are you two doing out here in this freezing rain?” Janet yelled from the porch. I turned back to see her smiling at us like we were crazy.
We ran for the porch where Noah childishly pushed me back over and over to keep me in the rain. “Noah, I’m gonna kick your butt,” I huffed.
He snorted while Dean chuckled in the doorway. “I don’t think it’d be wise to pick a fight with someone his size,” Janet informed me.
“Mind telling us what you guys were doing dancing in the rain?” Dean said, stepping aside so that we could all come inside.
“Someone made me promise her adventures in exchange for being her friend.” Noah looked at me after he spoke.
“Sounds like a smart girl,” Janet said with a wink.
I wrapped my arms around myself. “I’m freezing!”
“Have Noah give you a change of clothes and I’ll dry those before you leave.”
Noah took my hand and led me upstairs after pulling off our boots. I peeled my wet jacket off as he shut the door and tore out of his hoodie. “I’m freezing thanks to you,” I nagged. “Give me something to wear.”
“How about I warm you up?” He turned me around to face him and started lifting my shirt.
“What about Dean and Janet?” I whispered, already sounding breathy.
“The door’s locked.” He bent down and kissed my neck as he unhooked my bra next. Once it fell to the floor, he stood back and stared before he bent down and started tearing me out of my pants. The next thing I knew, I was naked and being thrown on the bed as he towered over me.
There was a knock on the door. “If you hand me the clothes, I’ll dry them,” Janet called through the door.
I smiled up at him. “I knew this would happen.”
He sighed and climbed off me as I grabbed a blanket and covered it around me as I walked to his dresser to grab something to put on. I chose some jogging pants and a black t-shirt. It was so obvious I didn’t have a bra on but my bra was wet too. I put my panties back on though and handed the rest to her to dry.
Once she headed back downstairs, Noah wrestled me back down on the bed where we ended up talking. “So, you want to be a mechanic?” I asked him.
He placed his head in his palm as he lay on his side and made circles with his fingers across my stomach. “I like to be hands-on with my work so yeah, I wouldn’t mind opening my own place later on down the road. I’ve never seen myself at a desk or behind a computer, that’s just not me… Does that bother you?” he asked.
“Why would it? I’m just a little envious that you know what you want and I don’t have a clue.”
“You used to go around yelling that you’d be a teacher like your mom, what happened?”
“Um… I realized how crappy students were?” I offered, and he laughed. “Mom does have a way of making it seem fun though,” I drifted off as I stared at the ceiling.
We ended up napping again. I felt like we were already one of those old couples that fell asleep any and everywhere together. It was hard not to when I always felt the most at peace with Noah.
Maybe that should be our slogan… Couples that nap together, stays together.
I hadn’t realized I had left my cell phone in the Jeep until he was taking me home. When I grabbed it, I panicked at all the missed calls from Dad’s cell. I had a text from Mom two hours ago that read:
Might need to come home. Your dad’s not happy at all. I’m afraid he’s gonna come get you himself at this rate.
“Dad’s called a billion times,” I told Noah as he started the Jeep and pulled out of the driveway. “I’m gonna call Mom.” Only she didn’t answer her cell phone and I was a little nervous of the idea of Dad answering the house phone if I called.
My phone lit up with Dad’s cell phone. “It’s my dad,” I said nervously.
“Answer it,” he told me. “Don’t worry, I’ll be with you. We can get chewed out together.”
I smiled and answered. “Hello?”
“Grace.” Something was very wrong with his voice. “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you… You need to come to the hospital,” his voice was choked up and my stomach felt every bit of it. “It’s your mom.”
_____
I felt like I would throw up the entire drive to the hospital. Noah kept a hold of my hand as we drove in silence. We didn’t walk, we ran into the hospital and didn’t stop until we were in the ER and Dad was there with his hands on his lap looking down at the tiled floor.
He looked up when he heard us, his gaze landed on Noah. “Where’s Mom? What happened?” I asked.
“She wrecked her car… Apparently, she lost control and hit a tree.”
My chest was killing me. “Have you seen her? How is she?”
“She’s in surgery. They took her back right away. I haven’t heard anything else.”
“Why was she out?” I asked him.
His eyes darkened toward Noah. “She was going to get you.”
I shuddered. “That doesn’t make sense, she knew Noah was taking me home. She didn’t even know where he lived.”
“You weren’t supposed to even see him! I told you no! And you weren’t answering your phone!” he yelled and I stepped back.
“I left it in the Jeep.” When Noah had pulled me out into the rain, I had forgotten about it. That was the truth.
“Leave,” he said to Noah.
“At least let me wait to know how Allison is,” Noah told him.
Someone stepped out of the door, he wiped his face with his sleeve as if to hide his exhaustion as he approached. Dad got up…
Only to fall right to his knees.
I didn’t hear what the doctor was saying. It was like a shield had gone up to prevent my ears from hearing his words. I stumbled back, hands caught me and held me up.
More words. More words. I di
dn’t want to hear them.
There was no escaping the ugly that came and stole everyone’s happiness.
_____
Everyone came. So many. Mom was loved. She didn’t look right lying in that casket. Nothing about any of this was. It didn’t even look like her. I was convinced this person wasn’t her… But apparently, this was as pretty as they could make her after the wreck… destroyed her.
The numbness that had passed over me since the hospital was frightening, even to me. My insides were screaming. I was drowning in my thoughts and these feelings, but none of it would make its way to the surface. Noah was there, always, never wanting to leave my side until I made him… Even then, he looked as if he wanted to deny my cold, hard stare and stay.
I kept my phone in my hand and I’d stare at her last text, telling me to come home. Then I felt the piercing in my chest and wondered if she was truly coming to get me when she had no idea where I was… Or did she?
Dad was a mess, and I wondered if maybe he was the reason why I didn’t do the same. It was scary the way he wouldn’t look at me or how he didn’t ask when I was coming home or offer me a ride home from the funeral home. He completely ignored me when I wanted nothing more than to cry with him.
Noah tried to comfort me during those nights but I couldn’t stand to be touched. I just wanted to be alone. I could feel it… Noah’s fear. It was in the way he held onto me stronger when I pulled away, in the way he kissed my forehead once more after I had just shoved him away, in the way I pushed him out of the house every night during the funeral when he wanted to be there for me.
I would step into the living room where Dad would sit on the couch in silence then he’d cry. I’d sit down with him because I knew I needed this just as much as him… I wanted to cry too. All of these bottled up emotions were slowly consuming me, but he got up and walked upstairs when I tried to be next to him.
If Mom was here, she’d know how to fix us but she wasn’t. She was gone, and she was never coming back. She’d never be able to stitch Dad and me together.
I pulled out my phone again and stared at her text in the darkness of the living room all alone… Still, I didn’t feel like I was worthy to cry for the woman I loved most in this world. The ones that fell down my cheeks that night didn’t count. I didn’t make a peep, no matter how much I wanted to scream. I thought I was holding it all in.
The day she was buried, I followed Dad out the door and climbed into his truck with him. He didn’t speak to me. He continued to ignore me as we drove to the cemetery. Still, as the silent tears slid down my cheeks, I held it in.
Noah was there trying to hold me and I distanced myself from him again. And I knew he was starting to sense it because the fear in his eyes became terror.
I let him drive me home afterward but instead of taking me home, he pulled off beside the road. “You’ve done nothing but cry the last few days. Please, Grace, talk to me,” he begged.
I thought I was holding it in? I made sure not to cry… Only Noah was right, it wasn’t my tears I was holding in, it was my words, my voice. I hadn’t spoken since the hospital.
I pulled my phone out again and stared at Mom’s text. “Grace, whatever dark thoughts you’re having, let me take them from you… Please don’t,” his words convinced me that he knew exactly what had been plaguing my mind since she passed away.
“Noah,” I croaked, “did Mom know where you lived?”
“Grace,” he was begging me again, and my stomach was churning. “Stop. Our love didn’t kill her.”
More tears. “Did she?” I asked again.
Noah looked like he was crying too. “Yes,” he finally said.
I sucked in air before screaming as I broke into tears. “Mom,” I found myself saying, and screaming all the things I wish I didn’t have to say.
“Stop apologizing, you did nothing wrong,” he broke down with me as he grabbed me and pulled me into him. I pushed his chest but he held tighter. “It was an accident, accidents happen every day.”
“She was coming to get me. Dad hadn’t wanted me to see you but I convinced her anyway.”
“Grace!” I knew he wanted me to open my eyes but I couldn’t.
“My dad won’t even look at me!”
“Just a few more months, Grace, and I’ll be on my own. Come live with me then.” I opened my eyes and met his beautiful blues. That sounded beautiful, wasting away on Noah in a small apartment… But I no longer saw that future. It wasn’t fair for me to love Noah when I lost Mom, and Dad lost what I wanted to have.
“You’ll be eighteen, I won’t…” I yanked my arms from his grips. “I can’t leave my dad, we just lost Mom. I just lost her.” Saying it made me start crying again.
“Grace, I won’t let you push me away,” he whispered inside his Jeep, but I wouldn’t look his way again.
“I’m not pushing you away, I’m leaving you.”
“You’re not serious.”
“Yes, I am! Take me home.”
He started driving again and with the wheels turning, the heaviness in my heart grew. I hardly gave him time to park before I jumped out of the Jeep. I heard him get out and run to catch up to me. He jerked me around to face him. “I can’t just leave you alone when I know you’re hurting, please, just let me hold you. Let me take care of you!” he pleaded with me. “I cared for her too, and I know how painful it is to lose your mom.”
“You don’t know! My mom centered her world around me while yours didn’t even know she was in this world half the time,” I said the words before I could think of what it was I said. He looked taken aback and I stepped back. “Just, please, Noah, let’s end this… before I become this ugly person that you’re gonna hate.” I met his eyes and hoped it would make him understand as I rubbed my hands over my hair. “There’s this ugliness I feel growing inside of me. I feel like it’s going to get worse, not better.”
“Yeah, it’s going to get worse… before it gets better.” He stepped forward, cupping my cheeks. “I don’t care. Be ugly. Show me how damn ugly you can be. I want all of it, just don’t leave my arms. You know it’s where you belong.” The way he said things stirred my craving of him so easily… so easily that I found myself moving into his arms instead of away.
I placed a peck on his lips, but Noah placed his hand into my hair and tried to consume me with a real one. I pulled our lips apart. “I’m going to be okay without you, and you’re going to go on without me like we did before we met for the second time.”
I stepped back and he reached for me. “Stop… I feel like I’m really losing you,” he croaked.
“Don’t get the apartment. Don’t come to my high school. Stay at Dean’s until you finish high school so you can save up money and go from there.”
He looked at me like I had lost my mind… or broken his heart. “You know I can’t do that.”
“You will,” I told him. “I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to pass you in the halls. I don’t want to see you, period,” I repeated.
There was a hint of malice in the way he smirked at me. “Because you know this is stupid! You can’t bear the idea of seeing me without being with me.” That was exactly it. I turned around and headed in. “We’re far from over Grace. We’re just getting started.”
Only I wished I hadn’t looked outside the window and saw him trying to pull himself together in his Jeep before he took off.
Mom was gone, Dad was lost, and I was broken, and I couldn’t let myself be healed by Noah. Not when we were to blame for Mom’s death.
33
Grace age 17
Noah age 18
My love hurts. She’s truly gone ugly. I pull and she pushes.
I reach out with phone calls, I drive forty-five minutes to her house almost every day where she doesn’t come to the door, and then another forty-five to get back. I’m anxious and afraid, yes, she has me terrified, and it’s truly the worst when it’s her that’s making me feel this way because she’s the one I want, t
he one I need when I feel lost and confused.
I stare at her mom’s text and convince myself a dozen times that she supported us, she believed in me, but I can’t say those things to Grace because she’s letting the guilt she feels swallow her whole. I want to save her, save us, but she won’t let me. If I push her on it, I’m afraid of pushing her away from me completely.
When I’m afraid that the guilt is threatening to swallow me whole along with her, I turn to Janet and let her listen because I need someone to listen and tell me that the one thing I’ve had that’s beautiful and exceptional hasn’t led to this. My feelings for Grace are powerful, they’re real and strong, that’s why it hurts so much more to think that we kept making mistakes when it came to her parents.
I know my priss loves me, it’s plain to see… that’s why she’s trying so hard, but I know her efforts are in vain. She won’t stop loving me, just like I let her make me suffer, and suffer even more because I love her, and I still think my future’s worth the pain she’s bringing me.
Because she’s the only future I’ve ever seen.
N.P.
Our house was no longer a home. It was a place where two people ate, slept, and lived without interaction. Not that I was the one making it that way. The first few weeks after Mom passed away, Dad went to work and came home and slept… I didn’t know if he was eating, I wasn’t…
I finally built up the nerve one day to tell him we needed food at the house, so he simply gave me money and I started going to the grocery store once a week in his truck. I’d make food, sometimes I thought my food tasted good, but most of the time it couldn’t compare to Mom’s cooking. I’d wait for him to get home before I’d eat in hopes that one day he’d sit down and eat with me. Instead, he chose to eat before coming home or eating when I was finished.
I thought I might understand Noah a little more in the past few months… The more Dad ignored me, the more I needed him to smile at me again. The less we talked, the more I missed him even though he was hurting me. If Noah craved his parents’ affection the way that I needed Dad’s right now, I don’t understand how he could smile and go on like he did growing up.
Fall From Grace Page 19
