The darker part of me begged me to turn around and pull out my old cell phone hidden inside my dresser back at the apartment and view Mom’s text and remind myself, she was out on the road again that evening because she was coming to get me, who wasn’t even supposed to be with Noah because Dad had said no. I always got my way with Mom, she always did so much for me, and I lost her that night because of my love for Noah.
How long do I have to punish myself? How long do I have to live this way before I feel like it’s enough?
Only Mom couldn’t answer me. She couldn’t relieve me of this burden like I knew she would.
But now, I realized I could lose Noah the same way I already lost her and it hurt so bad, I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t sit still, not even for my guilt.
I just needed to see that he was okay was what I told myself, and once I saw it with my own eyes, I’d go on living without him like I knew I should because my feelings for him have calmed into a small breeze, it was settled so deep inside me that I could hardly feel its presence. Noah and I were over. I was positive once I checked on him, I’d know that I was right.
But please… be all right when I get there.
I arrived at the only hospital in Jewel County knowing this was where they had to have taken him. I called Janet to let her know I was here but she didn’t answer which probably meant she was inside. It was still early, but it was already hot so I scooped Gus up in my arms and ran. I paused at the door and tried calling her again, beginning to wonder if this was the right hospital but then again, I didn’t even ask if he was at one.
When she didn’t answer, I ran inside and stopped at the first receptionist area I came up to. The lady looked up and her eyes hardened on Gus. “No pets,” she said in the unfriendliest tone imaginable which I couldn’t blame her for doing her job, but I couldn’t leave Gus outside in the heat.
“I just need to know if there’s a Noah Phillips that was brought in a few hours ago,” I said in a hurried voice.
“And you are?” she asked as she started typing on the keyboard. When I didn’t answer, she looked back up. “We don’t have anyone by that name.”
I sighed and back away. “Thank you.” I pulled back out my phone and tried calling her again. She still wasn’t picking up. Was I going to have to go to their house or brave it up and call Noah myself? I should have asked what was wrong. My brain short-circuited the moment she said, “it’s Noah” in that God-awful tone that placed the feeling of dread in my system.
I called again as I walked until something smacked into my legs. I looked down to see the little boy fall because I walked into him. His cup landed between us, splattering whatever drink he had across the floor.
Gus wagged his tail at the commotion as I bent down to the little boy. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” I told him as I helped him up. “Are you okay?”
He dusted off his butt and looked down at the clear drink trailing down the hall. “Aw, man,” he mumbled before his eyes landed on Gus and sparkled. “I love puppies! What’s his name?”
“Gus,” I told him, fighting the urge to tell him Gus wasn’t a puppy, not that it mattered.
“Oh God, Jimmy.” It seemed his mom finally arrived, dragging along another little boy and a stroller with a newborn. “What did you do?” she asked him as she looked at me and smiled like she was about to panic.
“It was my fault, I accidentally bumped into him.” More like ran him over, but I didn’t tell her that. She smiled and seemed much happier that I eased her worries that it wasn’t her son’s fault.
“Puddle,” the other little boy said and laughed as he started pouring out his drink.
“Dillon,” she yelled as she ran to stop him but she was too late.
The hallway was now an even bigger mess.
“I’ll go tell them it needs to be cleaned up,” I told her and she smiled and thanked me. The receptionist saw me coming back with Gus and gave me the death stare. I politely told her what happened then turned to leave and then never turned back around so fast in my life. The lady was clearly getting tired of my face, but seeing Noah walking up the hall scared the life out of me.
Wait a minute… I turned back around slowly and scooted off to the side as I studied his body. My God, he had grown even more. His shoulders seemed so much wider now and his chest so… What the hell has he been doing? He had a trimmed beard now which was a reddish-blond. “Noah,” I breathed out pathetically where no one else could hear me then I also noticed he was perfectly okay. “Noah,” I growled his name this time.
My eyes landed on Janet and Dean next to him. My eyes hardened on her… That sneaky old woman, she totally fooled me and I didn’t even take the time to ask questions I was so scared for Noah. But why were they at the hospital? Or was something truly wrong? Maybe it was something that couldn’t be seen?
Oh, my God, they were heading this way. I turned around and the receptionist was still glowering at me, so I ended up circling around to find somewhere to hide so Janet didn’t know that I was here. “You and your dog have to leave, or I’ll call security,” the receptionist told me.
I nodded. “I’m leaving,” I whispered, looking down at what I was wearing. I was still in what I slept in! And I didn’t even want to know what my hair looked like. I looked up and saw Janet eyeing me with a smile.
Oh, dear Lord, why did you make me such a flustered and awkward mess of a person?
“Grace, you came.” Janet beamed at me, and I watched in horror as Dean and Noah both turned this way.
I brought Gus up to my face and turned around. “Grace?” Noah sounded surprised to see me. “Grace!” I turned back around that time and saw him coming toward me. I eyed the place in the floor where I knew all the liquid was, Noah was picking up his pace.
I held out my free hand. “Wait, Noah, don’t.”
“Don’t tell me to fucking wait,” he growled, and I felt the unexpected, heated rush in my system from his words alone. Then Dustin’s words hit me, you haven’t been around him to get the full Noah-effect he has on you.
I backed away and gasped as he slid and fell into the drink on the floor. He hollered like he was in pain and I started running to check on him. “Are you okay?”
He grabbed his hand. “Ah, shit. I think my finger might be broken.”
“How did you break your finger sliding through someone’s drink?” I couldn’t help but ask.
He stood up, still holding his hand as he glared at me. “Because it was my finger that caught my fall before I could move my hand the right way.”
“Noah, are you okay?” Janet asked as they walked up behind him.
He ignored them. “What are you doing here?” he asked me quickly. “Are you finally back?” I couldn’t tell if he was hoping or asking.
Now it made it hard to confront him even more. I held Gus nervously as I looked at Janet. “Janet called crying, saying something happened to you while at the garage.” Her husband and Noah both looked at her at the same time. She grinned without a care at all.
“I didn’t expect you’d get hurt for real when I fibbed a little…” she mumbled sheepishly. “My soaps have really been paying off, it was so easy to get emotional after watching an episode this morning…”
Noah sighed. “So, that’s why you wanted me to come with you guys here, I thought it was weird.”
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
Dean smiled. “I’m having my gallbladder removed.”
Great, I drove all this way for Dean’s gallbladder. I tugged on my hair self-consciously, hoping I didn’t look as bad as I felt. “I think you might have broken it, by the looks of it,” Dean told Noah as he held out his hand.
“You’re already at the hospital, go get it checked out,” Janet told him.
“It’s just a finger.” He shrugged his shoulders like it was no big deal.
“Nonsense,” Janet said.
“I also think you should get it checked out,” I added as he lifted his gaze and held mine,
“too.”
“Grace can go with you,” Janet said with a sneaky smile.
“I don’t need her going with me,” Noah muttered, which made all of this even more awkward. As I thought, we weren’t what we were. Why did my chest feel this tight?
“Miss, I’ve asked you time and time again to take the dog outside,” the receptionist found her way outside of her area and said.
“Here, I’ll watch him while you go with Noah,” Janet told me as she took Gus from my hands without letting me reply. She looked to Dean. “You’ll be fine without me.”
He laughed. “I reckon I don’t need you to hold my hand,” he said, placing a kiss on her cheek before looking to Noah and me with a smirk. “But, Noah’s not of age yet, so I believe you should go with him.” He winked at me and I had no idea what to do.
Noah walked off and Janet waved for me to follow him as she walked outside with Gus. “Go on now,” Dean urged me. “Put him out of his misery, at least.” And with that, he walked off and I turned and followed after Noah.
Once I caught up to his long strides, I slowed down. “How does it feel?” I asked him.
“Broken,” he answered, then he turned and met my eyes as we walked. “It feels broken.” Now I didn’t feel like we were talking about his finger anymore.
I waited in a seat while he checked himself in. I was sending Dustin a text when he sat down and he must have seen his name because he muttered, “I can’t believe you lived with Dustin the last four years,” and turned his head the other direction.
“As roommates,” I told him as I pulled out a picture of Dustin and Rachel on my phone. “Here’s his girlfriend.” I showed him and waited for him to look better or something.
He just arched an eyebrow. “I have Facebook, remember?” Whew, he was being an asshole. I deserved it, but I couldn’t help but want to make it better. I couldn’t stand him being so not Noah with me.
When we were quiet again, he finally turned his head back to me. “Are you going back?” My stomach swam with butterflies.
“Noah Phillips,” a nurse called his name.
He got up and I did too. “What are you doing?”
“I’m going with you,” I replied. “I don’t want to sit out here and wait,” I added so he wouldn’t object.
He sighed, and I followed behind him again. The nurse checked his weight and things and we were placed into a room to wait for the doctor. “So, you’re only here right now because you thought I was hurt?” he asked. And before I could answer he said, “You don’t have to answer, I can tell by the way you look, like you rushed here without any thought… How fucking sweet of you to come back only when you think I might be laid up in the hospital.”
“I think I should go,” I said quickly as I stood up.
“Yeah, please,” he dared to say.
I took a deep breath and sat back down. “I’m staying.”
“You do whatever the hell you want anyway,” he muttered seconds before the doctor walked in. The awful mood between us was thick as they x-rayed his hand and diagnosed his finger broken. He was sent on his way with a finger cast.
Even the way he walked ahead of me looked angry, like he was pissed at the world or just me. I tagged along behind him in silence admiring the shape of his butt in those jeans and the way my body felt despite the fact that he was angry as hell.
He stopped and I bumped into him. I backed up as he turned around and glared at me, his eyebrows in angry slants. “Are you with anyone?”
“What? No.” I shook my head. “Are you?” He didn’t answer, instead, he turned around and started walking away from me. I watched him go before I started running. “Noah.” I grabbed his arms but he kept walking out of the hospital door. “Fine, whatever. I don’t care.”
My insides were crying out.
I spotted Janet sitting on a bench feeding Gus ice cream. She saw us and smiled then frowned as she spotted Noah hauling his butt into the parking lot and leaving me behind. I didn’t know what else to do other than to go grab my dog and leave.
“This didn’t go like I hoped,” she told me with a frown as I picked up Gus. “I’m sorry for what I did, if that counts for anything. I just wanted you to see where he is in life. You’d be surprised at how far he’s gotten. He’s doing good for himself.”
“It’s okay, really… I just didn’t think about what might happen if I had to lose him even as a friend one day.”
“Noah’s feelings for you are beautiful, something so precious and big that I hate to see it ruined because you think that you don’t deserve to be happy. You do, believe me, moms want their children to be happy, yours is probably crying as she watches over you.”
I blinked away tears as I nodded and walked away.
“Come to the house tomorrow,” she told me.
I looked back and shook my head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Nonsense… It’s a good chance to make peace with Noah, besides there’s something I want to show you.” She winked as she got up. “I better go check on Dean.”
36
She’s so fucking good at it… showing up unannounced or unexpected, sending my heart, mind, and body into a state of panic. With no call or text—nothing, she pops up where I can see her before I can go get her.
Whether she’s sixteen or twenty-two, she has a knack for making me act a fool. I lost a touchdown, now I broke a finger.
I’m angry. I’m so damn angry because I was so happy to see her standing there, rosy-cheeked and cuter than she was the months she left me in sleeping clothes with Gus in her hand… only she didn’t come back to me, she came back for the fear of losing me. I’m happy that she cares, but I’m pissed that it takes her thinking I’m hurt to get her to finally come back, right when I was days away from going to get her.
So typically… Grace wouldn’t be Grace if she didn’t corrupt my well thought out plan to seduce her into coming back home with me.
Regardless that I stormed off on her, I already knew I’d make my way to her.
She wasn’t going anywhere, at least, not without me.
N.P.
It took forty-five minutes to get to Dad’s. I spent the entire drive rehearsing what I should say to him when I randomly show up for the first time since I left.
At least, Gus was happy. He jumped out of the Escape when I opened the door and started sniffing everything before he ran up on the porch and waited for me by the door. I didn’t knock, I just stepped on in. His truck was home.
I was taken by surprise when I saw the shape the house was in. The sink was overflowing with dirty dishes and take-out was everywhere. I heard Gus barking. “Gus?” Dad’s surprised voice came from the living room. I stepped back out of the kitchen and made my way to where he was. He saw me the same time I saw him. “Grace, why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” he asked as he started picking up dirty plates and bottles in a rush.
I took in his unshaven face and tousled hair. He looked horrible to me. Dad was a man that was clean shaven and well-kept, he had been my whole life so it was weird to see him this way. Noah looked clean and groomed to perfection with his facial hair and while it suited him and added to his rugged looks, I couldn’t say the same about Dad. His case was completely different. He was letting himself go.
“Why because you want to hide how you’ve been living from me?” I asked as I snatched the empty bottles from his hand. “Just leave it, I’ll clean it up.”
“I can clean up after myself,” he started.
“I said I got it Dad,” I muttered, meeting his eyes with a stern look that told him I meant it. He backed away and ran his hand through his hair. “Why aren’t you at work?”
He sighed as he walked over to the couch and sat down. “I took the week off, I was actually coming to visit you for your graduation. I thought about it…then changed my mind at the last minute.”
I paused at the door. “Why didn’t you?”
“Couldn’t convince myself to go thr
ough with it,” he told me honestly.
I carried the trash I had in my hands to the kitchen to throw away but had to set it down on the counter so that I could empty out the trash can that was overfilled. Once that was done, I just grabbed a black bag and went back into the living room and started picking up.
My chest hurt. I hated this. Dad wasn’t this person, he wasn’t a slob, neither of my parents was. I leaned more on the slobbier side than they did. It made me wonder if maybe Dad hadn’t needed me to leave when I did but to stay. I couldn’t take back the four years I was gone, so much was left unsaid between us. This time apart made me stronger and I wasn’t afraid of his disappointed frown like I used to, which told me that leaving might not have been best for everyone, but it had been for me. I had grown, if you ignored the fact that it took Janet lying to get me back home but now that I was here, I realized how much I needed this.
I wanted my father back, even if he still looked at me in disappointment. He needed me and I realized that some part of him knew that or he wouldn’t have made plans to see me, even if he backed out on them. That was the most beautiful feeling I felt in a long time when thinking of my relationship with him.
Maybe we could learn to heal ourselves without Mom.
“Why do you look like that?” he asked me, staring at my sleeping clothes.
“Why do you look like that?” I countered back, and he just nodded, knowing he walked into that one. “Dad, why don’t you go get cleaned up and we’ll go visit Mom’s grave once I’m finished cleaning up?”
He got up. “I’ll help,” he said, and quickly added, “then we’ll go see her.”
We cleaned up in silence, not an uncomfortable one though. When we were finished, we both went our separate ways to clean ourselves up. I was stuck rummaging through my old clothes until I found something to wear. The clothes had a slight smell to them where they had been tucked away in my closet the last few years but I changed into a pair of shorts and tank top anyway.
I couldn’t help but nod my approval as Dad stepped out of his bedroom clean shaven and showered. “Much better,” I told him and he smiled slightly.
Fall From Grace Page 22
