Tai
I thought maybe we’d fixed things.
But no, she left.
Make love.
Yes, we had. I felt different, and knew she did too.
So why did she leave?
I didn’t know how much more I could take of this and I couldn’t stand feeling this way.
Like my world would crumble away if she wasn’t in it.
Didn’t she want to be with me anymore?
If so, why make love, when all she wanted was sex?
It was getting to me now.
I’d found the one woman who’d managed to make me fall for her.
What I had with Candace was nothing compared to this.
And, that wasn’t me knocking my relationship with Candace or trying to make it seem like it meant nothing to me. It did and I valued what we had when we had it.
Phoebe on the other hand hadn’t just touched my heart. She’d touched my soul and everything that made me, me.
She was the one fish in the sea that was different from the others. The wild desert flower that Akito talked about when he bored me with his old Japanese tales.
I didn’t know what to do.
What should I do?
End it?
Thinking about breaking up with her made me sick, and I didn’t think I could bring myself to do that.
So I braved up, manned up, and tried to push it all to the back of my mind.
I tried to act normal when I next saw her, however, the next day when she left me again I felt worse than the day before, at which point insanity took me.
The next night, I went to the chair by the window when she fell asleep, deciding to wait for her to wake.
Enough was enough.
She was surprised to see me sitting there, awake, when she eventually woke a few hours later.
“Hi, you’re awake,” she noted.
“Couldn’t sleep,” I replied, noting the uneasy expression on her face. She glanced over to the corner at her clothes and purse, then slid off the bed to retrieve them.
“I could make you something before I leave,” she offered, but the quiver in her voice told me she could feel the tension that surrounded us.
“Why are you leaving? Why do you leave as if you have something to be ashamed of?” I wanted to go for subtle, but the fury that burned within me couldn’t be controlled.
“I’m not ashamed.” She shook her head.
“Then stay. It’s Saturday morning. We can sleep in late and have a late lunch; we could stay in bed all day. You used to stay then something changed. What was it?”
“Nothing. I have to go.”
“Why?”
“Tai, I’m busy.”
“So busy you have to leave at fucking four AM?” I didn’t want to end this. I couldn’t.
This was Phoebe, the girl I dreamt about for years.
The girl I’d love since the first time that I saw her. The girl I missed like she was a part of me.
My girl.
There wouldn’t be anybody I’d ever feel this way about, but this was all crazy
“I can’t.” A pained look filled her eyes.
“What’s going on, Phoebe?”
“Tai. I’m sorry.”
“What exactly are you sorry for? Just so I’m clear. Obviously I got the wrong fucking impression. I wanted a relationship with you, but this is just about fucking.” I’d gone too far to rein anything back in. But I didn’t care.
I stood there and watched the distressed look fill her face.
I didn’t stop her as she grabbed the rest of her stuff and left.
As frustration gripped me, I grabbed the vase on the floor and hauled it at the wall, causing it to smash into several pieces over the bed.
I didn’t care.
Chapter 30
Phoebe
I just managed to get back to Akito’s in one piece. I couldn’t stop myself from crying.
It was funny how I thought my world had ended after my accident.
My world hadn’t ended then. It was ending now.
Falling away from me.
I knew this would happen.
That’s kind of what happens when you’re with someone you love and not only shut them out, but shut them down.
Everything Tai said I deserved. All of it. Everything. He was right.
I treated him like he meant nothing to me.
By the time I got to Akito’s, I was completely distressed. I tried to keep as quiet as I could so as not to wake him. But he was already awake.
He was in the sitting room watching TV and eating popcorn. Since he looked so absorbed in the show he was watching, I thought I’d try to sneak past and go up the stairs.
“Phoebe, I may be old but I have perfect hearing,” he called out.
I stopped in my tracks and turned to see him staring right at me.
“Are you crying?” he observed.
Feeling like I desperately needed that fatherly comfort he always offered, I ran over to him, into his awaiting arms, and broke down.
“Dear Phoebe,” he said softly, stroking my head. “What’s wrong?”
I sat back on the arm chair and rested my hands on my knees. “Everything?”
“Is it Tai?” A glint of wonder flickered in his eyes.
I nodded.
“What is it, Phoebe?”
I didn’t even know if I could talk to him or what I’d say. “I really like him, but I think it’s best that we probably stop seeing each other, because this is really as far as we can go.” More tears ran down my cheek.
“What makes you think that?”
“Akito, I can’t give him false hope.”
“So if you’re worried about false hope, maybe you more than like him?” His smile widened.
I looked at him and saw the understanding in his expression. He could see straight through me.
“I love him,” I confessed in a meek voice.
“Okay, now I’m with you.”
“I can’t have kids, Akito. I can’t be with Tai.”
“Phoebe. That doesn’t mean that at all. I know all that you’ve been through, and the answer isn’t to simply suffocate your relationship because of your fears. If you love Tai, you’ll give him a chance to truly be with you. You have to talk to him. Tell him what’s going on with you.”
We’d had the same conversation before. I’d spoken to Mitsuke only weeks ago about this very thing and the advice was the same.
Talk to Tai.
Same conversation, same advice and I was still shit scared.
Still scared of being rejected.
“He won’t want me.”
“There’s no way of knowing that. I doubt that you would have given Tai the time of day if you felt there was a chance he wouldn’t want you.”
That was a good point, but one I didn’t have the strength to explore.
My good old friend fear had crept back in and infiltrated my mind.
“I feel so lost.” I covered my mouth with my hands trembling, and once again broke down.
No resolution, no hope.
Things were worse, so much worse.
I shuffled around in my bed. The window was open and it was raining.
I’d taken refuge in my room for the whole weekend not wanting to talk to anyone. Not even Mitsuke who came to see me a few times yesterday with her usual
treats.
I’d gone to bed last night thinking about going back to Chicago after the exhibition.
Nice as it was to have contemplated staying in Japan. I didn’t think I could.
What I needed was to get back to work at the institute.
I shuffled again when I felt a presence in here with me and then I smelled it.
Cigarette smoke.
I jumped up and saw Tai sitting by the open window smoking. The haze of smoke wafted around him and trailed through the window.
He stared at me and I stared back not knowing what to say.
“It’s eleven sleepin
g beauty I thought I was going to wait a hundred years for you to wake up.”
“Or, you could have just woke me up.” I shot back.
“You’re a pain in the ass you know that?”
“And you’re smoking in my room.” What was wrong with me?
What I wanted was to run into his arms and stay there forever, not talk to him like he was some miscreant in my room.
“Yes, I’m smoking in the princess’ room making her clothes smell like shit.” He stood up and made his way over.
“Why are you smoking again?”
“Because I love it so much. Calms the soul in times of stress, and all that shit caused by people.”
“People?”
He knew it would piss me off to no end to put his shoes on the clean sheets on the bed so he did.
He raised one leg up and made sure he rubbed the mud from his boots on the space next to me.
“You. Damn you. I don’t know what you did to me, or what you did, but all these fucking years I’ve never been able to get you out of my head. It took me a long time to get over the fact that I might never see you again. It didn’t matter who I was with, you stuck in my head, then you came back and we had this… thing. It’s clear you don’t want to be with me and I should break up with you, but I can’t.”
A tear ran down my cheek. “I do want to be with you.”
“For sex. You want me for sex and if I just wanted sex I could get that for free some place.”
“Why are you saying that?” I snapped hating that he would think like that.
“Because Phoebe, you make me fucking crazy. I’m so damn in love with you I can’t see straight.” His eyes never left mine. He moved his foot off the bed and continued to glare at me.
I was stunned to silence. He just told me he loved me.
“I –”
“No. Don’t talk.” He held up his hand to stop me. “Here’s what we’re going to do. If you want me for more than just sex meet me at the exhibition on Friday at seven. Meet me in the garden. But don’t come if you won’t tell me what’s going on with you. And, don’t say it’s nothing because I know there’s something. If you don’t show I get it, and I’ll leave you alone. But don’t expect me to stop loving you.”
His words alone were enough.
But what I saw next gripped me to my core.
A lone tear ran down his cheek and his eyes darkened with emotion as he walked out.
Friday came quick.
It was like all the days in between happened in a blink and then Friday was here.
Tai stayed away from the center and the museum. I didn’t even catch a glimpse of him.
It was strange not seeing him. Strange not being with him and being by myself felt alien to me.
I guess that was his intention. To keep away so I would see what it was like to not have him, and also to give me time to think.
His words stuck in my mind, every day.
They played over and over again in my mind and made me feel terrible for putting him in such a position.
I’d already decided what I wanted and that was to be with him. I decided it from before he left that day with the ultimatum.
I figured that since he was saying he would always love me then maybe he’d find a place in his heart to still want me, still love me when I told him I couldn’t have kids.
And if he couldn’t…
I’d just have to respect that, but… but, I’d let him know that I would always love him too.
I got ready for the exhibition early. I wanted to take my time. Mitsuke came over to do my makeup and keep me company.
I was building my courage and she did a great job of instilling positive thinking in me.
At five just as we were about to leave the house my phone rang.
I looked at the screen and saw it was mom.
She’d respected my wishes and hadn’t called me since I told her not to. I didn’t call her either and honestly I hadn’t missed the contact.
I was going to accompany Mitsuke and Akito at the river for the ceremonial candle lights.
We planned to stay an hour then head to the exhibition ceremony.
“It’s my mom.” I told Mitsuke.
She raised her brows and sighed. “You should talk to her. Take it from someone who would love to talk to hers.” She nodded. “I’ll go wait for you in the car.”
I smiled understanding. Rukia and my mom couldn’t have been more different if they tried but they were still our mothers.
I went to sit on the patio and answered the phone.
“Mom, hi.”
“Sweetheart. I’m so glad you answered.”
I pressed my lips together.
“How’ve you been?”
“I’m okay I was just calling to let you know I’m here.”
I stood up. “Here? What do you mean?”
“I’m here in Japan. I came with your father. We’re at the museum waiting for the exhibition to start. We came to support you.”
“Support?”
“Yes. I didn’t want you to get the shock of your life when you saw me. Phoebe I didn’t like the way we left things when we last spoke. No mother and daughter should live without speaking so long. I’ve been worried.”
I didn’t know how to take this. I guess I appreciated the call and her meeting me half way but there was so much more to this than trying to make amends with a phone call.
“I’m okay.”
“I know when you aren’t okay. You don’t sound okay.”
“I’ll be fine mom. Thanks for coming. I guess I’ll see you at the exhibition.”
“Wait, please.”
I was going to hang up because I was anxious to leave. “What’s up?”
“Phoebe I know that we’ve had a difference of opinion and I guess that’s on me for my sometimes backwards ways of thinking. I just wanted you to know I’m sorry. I figured from our last conversation that maybe you were… um, seeing Tai. And I had no right to talk about him that way. So I apologize. I want things to be good between us.”
She’d never apologized to me before for anything.
All the years of being under her thumb wouldn’t just go away overnight, but I wouldn’t be the one to beat a person for trying, especially since that person was my mom.
“I appreciate that mom. I do.”
“Good. Can’t wait to see you.”
“And you.”
She hung up. I stayed where I was for a moment taking the conversation in.
That went well. Could have been better if I felt I could confide in her with my worries but we had a long way to go before that happened.
Baby steps. That was bridging the gap of something we never had.
Time for another serious conversation. But with Tai.
My stomach was in knots.
Chapter 31
Tai
One last cigarette, and no more.
I lit up and took a draw.
I didn’t want to smoke today, but such as life. I was nervous as hell.
Part of me wished I didn’t lose my mind and give Phoebe an ultimatum.
It was however the best thing to do and needed to be done.
We could never have gone on like that.
It was ten to seven. People had already started filling up the museum. It had been reserved for tonight’s festivities.
For the years that I’d been back in Japan I’d gone down by the river with Akito on the last day of Obon to light a candle for Rukia.
I skipped it today.
I wasn’t in the right frame of mind.
I’d been here for about twenty minutes. Early as always with my nerves building.
I didn’t know why I did these things to myself.
Fuck, what if she didn’t turn up? What if it got to seven and I went inside the function hall and she was there?
That would mean she’d decided to give up on us. Would she do that?
I’d have to leave her alone.
I just
hoped she loved me.
I closed my eyes and leaned back on the pillar behind me.
In my mind’s eye I could see her beautiful, elegant. My girl.
I’d never felt so conflicted in my life, but then I’d never wanted anyone so badly as I wanted Phoebe.
I opened my eyes again and thought I’d imagined up the image of her standing before me on the top steps leading up to the water fountain.
Then she moved and I realized that she was real.
My eyes actually welled up with tears.
Fuck, this so wasn’t me. Me wanting to cry tears of joy because the woman I loved just came through for me.
When she sped up towards me I couldn’t contain myself. I moved to her too and swept her up in my arms.
In her heels she was taller and caught me at my chin. She reached up and guided my lips to hers, kissing me.
People passed and saw us but I didn’t care. I kissed her back with reckless abandon, wanting to consume her.
“I love you.” She breathed against my lips.
I pulled back to look at her.
“I love you Tai.” She said again. Tears running down her cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you too Phoebe.” I caught the wisp of hair that lifted as a gust of wind swept over us. I’d never felt more fulfilled in saying that. Never.
A pained expression filled her beautiful face and she closed her eyes.
When she opened them again I saw nothing but pain there.
“I shouldn’t have put you through so much and make you think I didn’t love you.”
“You’re here now.”
“I really wish it was as simple as that. I want to talk, and tell you everything. I…” her breath caught and she actually looked scared.
I cupped her face. “Tomorrow.” I offered.
This wasn’t the place and now didn’t seem appropriate. I knew her well enough to know that if she was having so much trouble trying to tell me something it must have been pretty important.
“No, I should do it now.”
“Phoebe you look pale, like you’re going to faint on me.” I offered a smile.
“I wanted to talk tonight because it’s something I need to get off my chest and the longer I leave it the worse I feel.”
Blossoms of The Heart Page 25
