“How'd you know?”
“Why else would you be here?”
“We won't be long,” she said quickly. “I was hoping to make a second stop afterward.”
“Take as long as you need,” Carl said with a wave of his hand. “I'll be here waiting when you get back.”
They rode in silence up the glass elevators. Sean had swapped his Land's End khakis and J. Crew men’s polo shirt for a simple black button up with matching slacks. His shoes looked well worn but polished. She wondered for a moment if these were the only nice dress clothes he had. He didn't wear jewelry, not a wedding ring or a wristwatch or even a necklace. He looked simply content to be there, as if she was doing him the favor by taking him out for the night.
“Thank you for coming out with me,” she said, watching the traffic pass by on the freeway below and realizing people in the cars could see her as well. She felt like Willy Wonka for a moment.
“Thank you for inviting me,” he said. “I've always wanted to check this place out but never have.”
“Me too,” she said with a smile.
They reached the 35th floor and stepped out, walking to the rotating sky bar where they were promptly greeted by a short man in a suit who cheerfully led them to their seats. An attentive waiter brought them drinks from the simple menu and they stared out of the windows as they made small talk, savoring the incredible view outside as it passed by. Kathleen felt queasy at first, the shifting view and moving floor giving her a sense of vertigo. It quickly passed after she learned to turn her attention back to her date. She'd ordered a Lemon Drop but didn't make it through, the taste reminding her too much of the lemon swabs she'd used to soothe the sores in her mouth after her last round of chemo.
When she'd finally had enough, they flagged down their server. Sean insisted on paying, and she let him. Afterward she had Carl drive them over to West 2nd past Spring Street, by the old police department. There they went through a back alley to a famous bar called the Edison, a steampunk gin joint located in the basement of the Higgins Building that had come into vogue shortly after opening in 2007. It took some convincing to get Sean in since there was a strict dress code, but the doorman finally relented when Kathleen explained he was her chaperone and she was dying of cancer.
Cancer works as an excuse for nearly everything, she thought as they moved into the dark bar. I wish I would have known sooner. I could have done something with this 'Get Out of Jail Free Card' before I lost all of my strength.
She ordered Absinth this time and took sips, not knowing how the strong liquor would interact with her medication. They served it to her in a cup with a flaming sugar cube, just like she'd seen in the movies. She watched the young urban professionals crowd into the bar, smiling and laughing as they sipped drinks from the turn of the century where the city's first power plant once stood. There was a natural order to the way they flirted, bragged, and even toasted one another. It was as if every movement conveyed their sense of upwardly mobile purpose. They were the future and they knew it. She was an interloper, slipping among them unseen but not blending in.
Sean didn't fit in either. He looked worn and unpolished next to the overly groomed men. They were neat and hairless and tan. He was unkempt with a simple hair cut and scruffy facial hair growing in wispy patches on his boyish face. They were trying to stand out, to show their status and power, to grab other people's attention. Sean seemed to radiate calmness. His simple clothing and humble attitude belied the enormous kindness of his easy smile and sparkling eyes. There was an unspoken power hidden just beneath the surface, like a deep strong current unseen from the top of the water, that didn't need advertising. It was almost as if he was left untouched by the world around him as he casually moved through it.
Still, when the time came to go back to the hotel, he looked visibly relieved. She thought he might come back to her room but he got off on his own floor instead, dashing her hopes. She thought for a moment about inviting him up, but then reconsidered. As much as it would be wonderful to have sex again, she knew it would only bring on more complications she didn't need. She fell asleep in her evening clothes, barely managing to pull the covers over her. She dreamed about being an animal in the forest, running as fast as she could while all around her young animals tried to rip her flesh apart.
The next day when she woke up she didn't know where she was.
She showered and drank a protein shake she'd brought with her to give her strength. It was going to be a long day. Once more she called Sean and had him meet her downstairs.
She had Carl take them to Chinatown for dim sum. They were seated quickly and she ordered sticky pork buns from a passing cart, picking at them as she drank green tea boba. Sean got into the spirit and soon the table was full of plates of half-eaten food. They paid the bill and wandered around for a bit, stopping at the tiny shops to buy gifts for Sea and her mom. Sean took her picture near the wishing well and with the Bruce Lee statue behind Hop Louie’s in the square. She bought a colorful paper umbrella and used it shade her from the sun's unrelenting glare. She'd forgotten how bright it was all the time in L.A.
Coming up Broadway toward Cesar Chavez on the way back to the hotel they passed under the double golden dragons. In the distance she could see City Hall. A few moments later, Carl drove them past the iconic Walt Disney concert hall. She stared in wonder at the smooth curves of the famous structure. Carl took the scenic route on his way back to the 101 Freeway toward Hollywood, pointing out the famous sign on the hill. She'd forgotten how bad traffic was; they lost a lot of time sitting in it. Kathleen amused herself with people watching. She was surprised by how distracted the drivers around them were, texting and talking on the phone and spacing out. One car they passed had an old woman with a large beauty mirror plucking the hairs on her chin as she inched forward in traffic. In another, a teenaged Asian girl put on eyeliner in the moving vehicle using her rear view mirror.
Maybe there would be less traffic if people actually paid attention to where they were going, Kathleen thought. It's like everyone is in their own little bubble, totally self-absorbed.
An hour later they made their way off the freeway, winding down Highland toward Hollywood Boulevard. Kathleen had wanted to see the Walk of Fame and maybe the famous wax museum. Just like Downtown, the area had changed as well. It was now a tourist hub with new shopping centers and a new hotel. The metro brought people from all over the city, along with a fair share of street performers, con men, homeless beggars, and thugs. Kathleen wasn't worried. She moved through the heavy crowds with a smile on her face, posing for a picture with a guy in a Spiderman costume and then again with a Charlie Chaplin impersonator. She'd always loved this part of the city. She gave several homeless kids some loose change, bought postcards with Marilyn Monroe on the front, and snapped shots of the more famous stars on the boulevard, making people clear out of the way so she could get her shot. Sean dutifully carried her shopping bags, guiding her up to the Grauman's Chinese Theater to take even more pictures before heading across the way to the Roosevelt to eat lunch in the haunted old bar. In the process, a TMZ bus offering tours of Tinseltown had nearly wiped her out.
They ate in silence and she did her best to keep it down. She could feel the energy seeping out of her as the hour ticked by. She'd desperately wanted to visit the Getty Museum but it was too far away and she honestly didn't have the stamina to make it that far.
No one tells you that by the time you can actually visit the places you've always wanted to see you'll no longer have the strength to make the trek, she thought. And to think when I was younger I had wanted to visit the pyramids and Machu Picchu. I can't even make it up the steps of the public library at this point, much less up a mountain. Where did all the time go? How did I get so old so quickly?
She accidentally fell asleep twice on the way back. They moved along the 101 Freeway in Hollywood past the iconic Capitol Records Building and merged onto the 110 toward downtown L.A. Kathleen saw the cluster of b
uildings with the Citibank tower emerging over the rest. In the distance she could see the black smoke of unchecked fires burning in the sky. It blew from between the buildings like a black veil across the road. When she turned to look toward her right, following the black ribbons of smoke, she saw them as they were blending into a haze that burned bright red in the setting sun.
She was right, the uninvited and terrifying thought burst into her mind, they really are going to burn this city to the ground again in some pointless riot. She drove the thought from her mind. This was her night and she wasn't going to let anything spoil it, especially not her mom.
She thanked Carl and Sean and headed to her room, passing out until an hour before her scheduled dinner reservations at Patina, a French restaurant tucked inside the silky caramel ripples of Frank Gehry's most famous L.A. landmark, the one Carl had driven by earlier on their way out of downtown. Darwin met them in front of the Walt Disney Concert Hall. Kathleen was disappointed she didn't get to meet Neil Patrick Harris in person, but hoped there might be time for an introduction before the show started. They feasted on foie gras while waiting for the main course. She'd ordered Maple Leaf Duck Breast served with turnips, carrots, and a cumquat relish. Darwin chose the venison medallions accompanied by Lady Apples. Afterward they'd ordered a soufflé served with house-made bourbon ice cream, as well as a chocolate and peanut butter brownie with a selection of fruit sorbets. They'd dined early and found themselves alone, but the expensive restaurant began to fill up quickly as the night progressed. It took longer than they anticipated for dessert to arrive.
As she waited, she daydreamed about bumping into NPH and Nathan Fillion at the same time, maybe even having them unexpectedly sing some of her favorite parts of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. The thought made her smile, which seemed to put Darwin at ease.
They'd spent the first part of dinner talking about his hit TV show and whether or not he thought he'd win Best Actor for his work on the drama, but the conversation quickly petered out when it turned personal. Too humble to brag about his amazing life they'd spent the last half of dinner talking about her terminal condition, which in turn lead to Kathleen talking about all the hopes she'd had for her life.
“It's all happening so fast,” she said. “I feel like I don't have any time left and I just started figuring things out, you know? The world keeps on spinning, but I'm starting to vanish. It's like you can just look right through me sometimes.”
Darwin offered his apologies and she'd waved him off, attempting to lighten the mood with a joke and failing miserably. They'd slipped into an awkward silence until that hint of a smile broke through her thousand-yard stare. Darwin broke the ice as dessert arrived, telling the story of his first acting audition and how badly he'd botched it. Soon they were laughing like old friends as they devoured the tasty indulgence.
After dinner she went to the women’s restroom and threw up. She didn't know if it was nerves or the rich food. She'd been living on hospital food, or whatever they jammed into her by IV, for months now. And months before that her mom and Sea had only fed her grilled cheese on sourdough along with some soup. She wasn't prepared for heavy French cuisine, but she wasn't going to miss out on it either!
The damn food tastes just as good coming up as it did going down, she thought with a smirk. At least now I won't have to worry about being sick during the show.
They rode over to the Nokia Theater in silence. Truthfully it would have been easier to have Carl drop them back at the hotel so they could simply walk the short distance over, but he insisted on driving them up to the red carpet drop off with the rest of the celebrities.
“People are going to want to see you step out with Darwin,” he said. “I wouldn't think of doing it any other way. This is your big moment.”
You mean my last big moment, Kathleen thought. This is the last milestone of my life. After this it's back to the hospital to waste away, counting the last of my time on this earth between states of lucidity mixed with pain and regret, and those ethereal states of acceptance and numbness only morphine can offer.
Despite what the media had told them, her mother had been right. Los Angeles was on the verge of another unstoppable riot. All around them people were wild in the streets, fighting and going mad. Kathleen didn't remember people being so out of control before. She wondered why the crime had suddenly spiked. When they got to the venue, security got out and cleared a path for them. Darwin walked the carpet with her on his arm and Harold, another representative from Living Dreams, walked beside them taking pictures. She wished it had been Sean instead. She pictured him back in his hotel room sitting and meditating, his eyes half closed, his fingers running over the lotus seed prayer beads he wore, as he mumbled some indiscernible mantra over and over. A sea of flash bulbs blinded her and beautiful reporters shoved microphones into her face, barking unintelligible questions at her. Eventually they made their way off the red carpet and into a waiting area away from the media swarm.
Darwin excused himself for a moment to go over some last minute preps for the show and change into a new suit. He apologized profusely to Kathleen, telling her it was his agent’s idea to have him present at the last minute with another actor, Harley Richards.
“I'm so sorry. I had no idea they'd pull this.”
“It's fine.”
“Are you sure? I'm going to tell them no. They can get someone else.”
“Don't make a fuss over me. I'm fine.”
“Seriously?”
“I'm surrounded by beautiful, famous people. I feel like I'm in a dream right now. Trust me, I'll be fine.”
“Damn Harley,” Darwin muttered.
“He's probably coming down off cocaine in some porn star’s apartment in Van Nuys,” she joked, referencing the latest round of tabloid gossip to haunt the troubled star.
“You're probably right,” he said. “I don't know why they'd put him in the show in the first place, knowing how unreliable he is.”
Darwin kissed her hand before heading off with a short, bald, nervous looking man wearing a headset. Looking around, she gawked at all the people she'd seen on television over the last year. She only wished Aasiyah were there with her to gossip about it all.
Kathleen had never seen so many celebrities in one place at the same time. It was like a strange dream where they all wanted to have their picture taken with her.
This is it, she thought. Your last big moment before death swallows you whole. Don't miss out on anything!
She smiled and waved them toward her and they came wearing their painted smiles. No one wanted to miss a chance to be in the limelight for a single minute, no matter what the occasion.
*** *** ***
They were just starting to run a memorial on the big screen for the actors and actresses and other talented people in the industry who had passed away the previous year. Kathleen had been sitting alone during most of the show. Darwin was nowhere to be seen. It didn't matter much to her. She was already certainly on television and would more than likely end up in People magazine’s next issue on the stands. She'd be able to show that to Sea. That was way more important than making mundane, polite conversation. In a way she was relieved he hadn't returned. It allowed her time alone with her own thoughts, something she hadn't had much of since she'd stepped foot in Sea-Tac.
If I was an actress instead of a school teacher I'd be up there next year, Kathleen morbidly thought. Except no one gives a rat's ass about teachers anymore. We're lower on the list than cockroaches. They pay lip service about how much work we do and what saint's we are to take care of their children.
“I don't know how you do it,” they say.
“I only have only one kid and he burns me out,” the parents complain. “How do you take care of thirty?”
“You must be a saint with all that patience. I couldn't do it.”
“You deserve a raise for all your hard work…and a medal.”
It's all bullshit. Liars! Every last fucking one of them!
She couldn't count the number of women who had said similar things to her over the years. If that was true then why did she always have to fight off parents who came in making excuses for their kids poor behavior or test performance? Why did they ask for extra credit for their spoiled brats who couldn't do the normal class work, then resort to name-calling when they didn't get their way? Why did she waste hours of her life in after school meetings with angry mothers who didn't finish high school, but thought they knew more about education than she did?
It's not just the mothers either! It's the whole damn family! It's society at large that hates us!
Why else would they attack teachers every chance they got? If they didn't hate teachers then why would they attack their unions whenever the State had another budget crisis? She could hear them whispering to each other over cocktails in their huge suburban mansions, spreading their dirty lies.
“Those people get three months a year off work.”
“So they've got to deal with kids all day? So what? Try dealing with angry clients!”
“It's not all that different from babysitting, is it? And we only pay our baby sitter ten dollars an hour.”
“They may seem harmless, but they're not. The teachers and their unions are bankrupting our economy with their endless demands and their unearned pensions.”
“If you ask me, they're paid too much!”
Fuck all of them, she thought. They all deserve to rot. All those rich fuckers driving around in their fucking expensive foreign luxury vehicles and kissing each other’s...
A loud screeching sound interrupted her angry train of thought. The lights came on at the same time the music went off, shocking Kathleen back to reality. She'd been lost, adrift in her own thoughts and memories. She'd missed the entire memorial. All eyes seemed to be turned toward her. For a moment she thought maybe she'd been muttering out loud and that they'd all heard her. Embarrassment flooded her cheeks, turning them more crimson than they'd ever been since she'd fallen ill. Just then the back doors of the room burst open and a burly man, a firefighter, began to shout to them.
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