by Mia Archer
"I think that sounds like a good idea," Savannah said. “This is what it is while it lasts. That’s rule number one.”
"Agreed. Rule number two. Whatever happens between us in private, no matter where we go out on the town, as far as anyone else knows we’re just friends."
"That sounds like a good idea. Most of the people around here might even fall for it."
"What do you mean?"
"Except for some crazies like pastor Dan, I’ve noticed most people around here think that gay people are something that happens somewhere else. They don't believe the evidence even when they see it right under their noses!"
I giggled. Leaned in to kiss her. Just a quick peck on the lips now. We had business to discuss, after all.
"You know there's always been a part of me that just wanted to go into a library board meeting and scream that I was a huge lesbian. I know it's childish to want to do something like that, but the urge is always there."
"You have no idea how many times I've wanted to just tell my mom everything. Finally come clean."
"Yeah, I can understand the temptation," I said. "You know the two of us have been really fucked up by our small-town upbringing."
"I think everybody's fucked up by growing up where they grew up in some way. Our bit of fucked up just happens to deal with our sexual orientation."
"You’re very good about taking this all in stride." I said.
"What other choice do I have?" she asked.
"Well I know a choice you have right now," I said, I looked at her and smiled. She turned as well. Licked her lips.
Yeah, she understood the invitation I was extending. She leaned in to kiss me this time. The first time she'd been the aggressor since we started this dalliance. Sure there'd been times when she leaned in to kiss me when we were out on our own, but never like this. And it felt wonderful. There was a hunger behind her kiss, a need, that was so hot.
And for the first time since we'd started our dalliance I felt something else. Peace. Sure the whole "just friends" plan wasn't foolproof. There were going to be people who saw through it, but it was the best plan we could come up with under the circumstances. It was certainly better than nothing. It was certainly better than the alternative, as much as I felt like a coward for feeling that way.
Savannah rolled on top of me and all of that left my head. I had one last glimpse of the stars overhead before her hair obscured them, and that was just fine.
Stars would be up there when we were done. For now my entire world, far more beautiful than any stars, was Savannah. Her feel, her taste, her smell. And that was all I needed
10: Past Problems
I pulled my truck into the usual spot in front of the library and shut it off. I paused for a moment to look around. Everything was so bright and sunny. Sure we were getting close to the fall season, but everything seemed brighter and more real than it had before. I felt happier than I had in quite some time.
I realized there’d been something missing from my life. Denying who I was had taken its toll on me, and now that burden had been lifted somewhat. Every time I passed the library I felt a thrill. A thrill that ran from my heart straight down between my legs.
Just knowing that Kirsten was in there, that she would have a smile on her face when I walked in to see her and probably a hug and maybe a little more when I stepped back into her office, made me feel like I had something that had been missing from my life this entire time.
Something I never thought I'd find around here, for that matter.
I stepped through the wide front doors. The library was empty like usual during this time of day. Which was just fine by me. An empty library meant Kirsten would have an excuse to go back to her office to "chat" with me for awhile. Behind closed doors with the blinds drawn, of course. Wouldn't want anyone to see the kind of chatting we were actually getting up to. Particularly Ethel. If she saw that it would be all over the town rumor mill in no time.
Speaking of Ethel. She smiled up at me from her usual station behind the front desk. She seemed to be there a lot more often lately. I wondered if that was because Kirsten was here to do the heavy lifting, or because she was finally slowing down. Probably the former. Ethel was a tough old bird.
"How are you today Ethel?" I asked.
"Just fine. Has your mother finally finished her romance novels? Or are you maybe here for another reason?"
There was a twinkle in her eye and a slight questioning look to go along with what she said. Not that I was going to give anything away. Oh yes. I suspected that Ethel had her suspicions. She was a smart lady, after all, and she didn't miss much. But I wasn't going to give anything away. Hell no.
"I'm just here to see Kirsten. I was thinking about getting lunch with her today."
"It's a wonder she can afford to eat out all the time with what they pay her," Ethel said.
I blushed. To be perfectly honest I was usually the one who footed the bill. Mom selling all the farmland after dad passed hadn't made us ridiculously rich or anything. I wasn’t buying a private jet or anything even if we did have a comfy seven figures in the bank since good farmland was the one thing that was expensive around these here parts, but by the standards of this area we were pretty well off.
I had enough that if I stayed in the house I wouldn't have to work for the rest of my life, for example, and I’d still be able to leave a pretty comfortable life. It was one of the joys of living in an area where the cost of living was so ridiculously low precisely because there were so many people who didn't want to live around here.
Well that was their loss.
"So is she in the back?"
"Actually she’s down at the school giving a story time to some of the elementary school kids. She should be back any time now, though. I'm sure you can wait for her back in her office."
"No, that's okay Ethel. I think I'll go and meet her. She should be walking back any time now, right?"
"Right about now, actually," she said. "Tell her I can hold down the fort here. There's no need for her to rush rush back. Not that she has lately."
I smiled and reached out and to Ethel’s hand. "Thanks. I appreciate it."
She waved a dismissive hand. "Go and have your fun. I'll be fine here. It's not like anybody is rushing in to use the place right now. Now if you decided to have these little meetings in the middle of the after school rush…"
I turned and stepped back out into the perfect weather. I paused and looked at the goings on around me. The library was right on the town square, and I could see everything. There was the diner where the professionals who worked around the square went for lunch most days. There was a flea market on the opposite side right next to the dollar store. Not exactly the ritziest stores in this town. You weren’t going to find a Saks Fifth Avenue anywhere in town, for example.
I took in a deep breath and started towards the elementary school. I figured it would be a nice way to surprise Kirsten. Meet her somewhere along the way. She wouldn't be expecting me, at least not on the sidewalk as she was walking back.
These lunch meetings had been a gift from heaven. Even more so than the other meetings we had some evenings and weekends. Sneaking around like a couple of teenagers. Usually we went back to Kirsten's apartment, and I always felt like I was in the middle of a spy movie trying to find a way up there without people noticing me.
Not that I had to worry about people noticing that much. She had an apartment on the second floor of an old office building on the opposite end of the town square from the library. And there was absolutely nobody around here after about six o'clock when most of the businesses had shut down for the day. Still, sneaking around was fun even if it probably wasn't strictly necessary.
I hadn't realized how much taking care of my mother all the time had taken a toll on me. For that matter I hadn't realized how being in my mother's hair all the time had taken a toll on her. She was used to being independent, to doing her own thing, and to be perfectly honest there was probably a hell
of a lot more that she could be doing for herself right now.
Things I hadn't let her do because I was so worried. I was so doting. Yeah, getting out of her hair was probably just as important as me getting some time away from taking care of her. It showed me that she could still take care of herself. The time we were spending apart was almost as good as all the time we'd spent together.
I frowned as I passed the home of the enemy himself. Pastor Dan’s church was just a short walk away from the square and the school. I walked a little faster as I moved past that place, though it felt ridiculous to do that.
I turned a corner and the elementary school was right there. And it looked like I was right on time. I saw someone step out carrying a pile of books in her hands. I smiled.
Kirsten smiled when she saw me coming. She tried to wave, but several of the books in her hands shifted and she almost lost them. I dashed and just managed to catch them before she had a complete and total loss.
"Thanks," she said. "I hate it when I drop them on the ground. We have such a small budget as it is to replace them."
"Glad to help," I said.
Kirsten looked around and then leaned in and blew me a kiss. Not an actual kiss. There were too many windows on the school and too many little eyes that could potentially look out at that moment and see us. Given the nature of kids they’d probably trumpet it to everyone in their class, too. Still, I felt a thrill run through me. I loved it when she made small gestures like that. I suppose it was a sign that we were still very much in the cute honeymoon phase of our relationship.
Our relationship. It felt good to say that.
"Fancy seeing you here," she said.
"Well I was down at the library and Ethel said you'd be this way so I figured…"
"No, I'm glad to see you," she said. "So where you want to go for lunch today?"
"What would you think about hitting the Chinese place?" I asked.
"That sounds fine," Kirsten said. "But don't expect any fun in my office if you decide to get that disgusting spicy thing you got last time!"
I grinned at her. "On second thought, maybe we should hit a different restaurant."
"You’re insatiable!" Kirsten giggled.
"What can I say? I've gotten used to all the fun we have!"
We walked on in silence for a moment. It was just a short walk back to the library. Just a couple of blocks. A couple of blocks that took us past my least favorite place in town. None other than Pastor Dan's church. I looked away as we went past, but then I saw someone coming down the sidewalk on the opposite side of the road that sent a chill running through me. And I’m not talking the good sort of chill I got when I was with Kirsten.
"Trouble coming this way," I muttered.
"What are you talking about?" Kirsten asked.
I nodded in the direction of the figure walking towards us. As soon as he saw as he crossed the road, it's not like there was much traffic to worry about in this part of town, and headed straight for us. Not a good sign at all. That meant he recognized us and he was making a point to pass by us rather than going straight for his lair. The prick.
Kirsten sighed. "Damn it. Why does that asshole seemed to always show up when we’re having a good time?"
"To be fair this is the first time we've seen him since that first day in the diner."
"And that's still one time too many as far as I'm concerned," Kirsten said.
"We could always go to the other side of the street and ignore him," I said.
Of course that didn't take into account that he'd seen us and immediately crossed the street to run into us. No, it seemed that he was in the mood to make trouble. I had a very strong feeling that if we crossed to get away from him he’d just do the same again.
"No. We’re not crossing the street to get away from him," Kirsten said, steely resolve in her voice.
I looked at her and smiled. I drew strength from her. I wished I had the same sort of resolve that she had whenever she dealt with pastor Dan, but the scarring that I had from my original run in with him, all the terror on my end and the pure hatred from his end, was still fresh in my mind. I hated that I was so timid around the man, but at the same time I didn't know what else to do.
I was even doing it now as he approached us. I looked down, a blush coming to my face. I hated that I was blushing as he approached.
"Are you sure you don't want to duck into a building or something to get away from him?"
Kirsten reached down and took my hand. I felt a terror at that simple gesture. Sure it also felt really good, but she was holding my hand right in front of this guy. Right in front of the last guy that we probably should've been holding hands in front of. Especially considering how rabidly anti-gay he was.
"We can't live our lives being afraid of this guy," she said.
"I guess you're right," I said.
I forced myself to hold my head high. I was still blushing, but there wasn't anything I could do about that. I could meet him head on, though. At least I could do that.
Holding hands and holding my head up high seemed to have the added benefit of making pastor Dan even more furious. His face turned red and then purple in a color that I more than recognized from my past dealings with him. I understood that he was usually a very nice man when dealing with just about anybody else in town, but then again I figured he couldn't be all that great if he had all that anger lurking just under the surface. No, I just knew him for the asshole he actually was.
For a moment I thought he might walk past us, but then at the last moment as he brushed past me he reached out and grabbed my arm. Held on tight enough that it actually hurt.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
I looked up. Stared into that angry face that I recognized all too well from years ago. And immediately all of my resolve faded. I was the same young teenage girl who had a crush on another girl and didn't understand what the hell was going on. Didn't understand why God would do that to me back when I still thought of things in those terms. I was just a girl figuring out who she was for the first time, and he was an angry man who was bringing the full weight of all of his authority down on me.
And so I folded. I tried to pull away, but he kept that painful grip. I hated that I felt that fear again. I hated it every time those feelings came back, but I also couldn't quite bring myself to try and pull away.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Kirsten shouted.
I winced at that shout. That wasn't good. That was loud enough that it would draw attention. Sure the street was mostly deserted right now, but there were plenty of businesses around. If they heard people yelling then they might be drawn to the confrontation that was brewing between the three of us.
Kirsten reach out and smacked his hand and he let out a yell of surprise and finally let go of my arm. I moved my hand up and rubbed the spot where he'd grabbed me.
And I stood there, helpless, staring between my future and my past coming together in what looked to be one hell of an explosive confrontation.
11: Confrontation
I felt panic and anger in equal measure. There was a chance I was on the verge of getting into a fist fight with one of the more prominent religious leaders in our small town. That was probably the last thing I should do.
Sure he was an asshole who seemed to delight in making Savannah miserable. He seemed to delight in preying on young people or people who couldn't defend themselves, but he was still considered a community leader. I could see the headline now: “New librarian get in fight with pastor. Punches him out in street.”
Yeah, that wouldn't be good at all. Never mind that he had enough influence with some people that he could make my life miserable regardless.
I tried to remember if any members of the library board went to his church, though I couldn't recall. It seemed his flock been dwindling in recent years if the number of cars I saw outside the church on Sundays now compared to before I moved away was any indication.
"What do you think
you're doing?" he asked.
"I could ask the same of you," I said. "Who do you think you are? Grabbing her arm like that? You hurt her. Look!"
"Nothing she doesn't deserve for some of her sins," he said. I’ll have you know I could have you brought up on assault charges for striking me like that!"
"Oh yeah? You talking about her sins? Bringing me up on assault charges? That’s rich you hypocrite!"
I put a finger in his face and he went cross eyed. It was almost amusing. Except I was already so hopped up on adrenaline that it was difficult for me to feel anything approaching amusement. Particularly dealing with this asshole.
"I don't give a damn about your stupid religion or what your imaginary friend has to say about the life Savannah's chosen to live. What I do care about is that you just assaulted my friend first."
"What do you mean?"
"Savannah? Can I see your arm?"
Savannah took a reluctant step forward and I frowned. I thought we were over this. I thought she’d decided to stand up to this asshole, but it appeared that once more she'd folded under the terror from her childhood coming back to haunt her again.
Not that I could exactly blame her. I suppose if I'd had a similar experience I'd probably be more than a little terrified of the guy as well. Still, it would be nice if she stood up for herself. This wasn’t going to end until she was the one doing it and not me.
Of course if she wasn't going to do it in the here and now then I would do the standing up for both of us.
"See what you did to her?" I asked.
For good measure I flipped out my cell phone and snapped a picture of her arm. There were angry red marks in the shape of his hand. A couple of them were even starting to turn purple as I took the picture. I looked back at him and smiled my sweetest smile.
"How do you think the police are going to react when they discover you grabbed a girl and yanked on her arm so hard that it bruised? Who do you think will be the one who gets a free trip to the jail then, asshole?"
"I…"
