No, this wasn't real! This couldn't be happening. They had so much planned, so many dreams still ahead of them. No…No! Kane could see the doctors and his family advancing on him. Could see their mouths moving, but no sounds penetrated his ears. Silence. Deafening silence consumed him. He became dizzy, confused, and he stepped back a step or two, needing air. He reached behind him, feeling for a chair. He needed something to steady himself, because he was sitting down, even if that meant on the cold hard hospital floor. Hard plastic met his hand, and he dropped into the seat, lowering his head between his legs as he gasped for breath. He couldn't pull enough air into his lungs. Did he even want to? He'd lost his everything; he'd lost his reason to live.
He'd lost Avery.
"Daddy, I'm so sorry," Autumn said. He could hear the tears in her voice and accepted the hand trying to grip his. She was on her knees beside him, her tear-filled eyes searching his. Those were Avery's eyes, Autumn had Avery's eyes. He reached out, drawing her into his embrace.
Take care of our family… Avery's last words to him echoed in his head.
He looked up to see Robert standing close by, his hands clasping his and Autumn's shoulders. The three of them were now alone in the waiting room, everyone else had vanished at some point after the news had been given. Kane lifted an arm and pulled Robert down into the hug he shared with Autumn. The hold was intense, heartening, needed, and they stayed like that for several long minutes, not moving, just existing. Robert was the first to break from the hold. He left only to immediately reappear, tissues in hand.
Autumn remained tucked under his arm, holding him tightly. Tears poured from her eyes, streaking down her cheeks, but her sole focus was on him. She seemed more concerned about his welfare than hers.
"Was he in any pain?" Kane asked and took a small drink from the water bottle Robert insisted he hold.
"No, sir," Robert said. Kane nodded through the tears.
"Good. I wouldn't want him in pain." Kane wiped at the tears that blurred his vision even as more tissues were shoved into his hand. "Has anyone called Kennedy?"
"No, sir. I was waiting on you first," Robert answered, finally standing, but keeping Kane in a tight embrace against his side.
"Okay, I'll call her, or go to her house. I don't know." Kane knew he sounded confused. He was so lost he didn't know what to do or who to call, everything seemed to be imploding at once. The door to the waiting room opened again, and Avery's nurse stood there, solemn faced. Kane could see she'd been crying.
"They've cleared the area. It's safe to leave, whenever you're ready," she said. Kane wasn't sure he could do this. Avery had been his lifeline, his world, and now he was left to deal with the aftermath—the press, the questions, their children—alone. He would go back to their house, to the life he and Avery built together…alone.
"Thank you, Doris. Daddy, come on," Robert urged, helping Kane up. The three of them walked the long hall, arm in arm. As they made their way out, the hospital staff slowly and quietly aligned themselves along the hall, nodding, with their eyes downcast, as they passed by. Everyone seemed to feel his loss; he could see the reverence in their stance as he walked past the staff. Avery was such a good man and had spent so much time in this very hospital where Robert worked as a cardiothoracic surgeon and Sophia was now the chief of staff. Avery had been so proud of his son. He'd been so proud of both of their children.
His soul mate had left him, Avery was gone.
Chapter 32
Everything blurred the days following Avery's passing. Their home in Georgetown filled with mourners and well-wishers before they even had a chance to make it home from the hospital. Avery had been well-loved and highly-respected by most everyone he came in contact with.
Kane had moved Kennedy straight to his house. She was ninetysix years old, and still a little spitfire of a woman. She ran his home, orchestrating the hundreds and hundreds of visitors stopping by the house each day. For Kane, she was a godsend because she freed him of those responsibilities. He rarely participated in anything going on inside his home since the loss of his husband, instead tucking himself away in his and Avery's bedroom, sitting in Avery's things, as he tried to come to terms with what life was going to be like without his Avery there every single day.
Through executive order, Avery received a state funeral with every bit of pomp and circumstance offered to his political rank. United States flags were immediately ordered to half-staff and a national day of mourning was called. Military personnel were assigned to remain by Kane's side until the funeral actually took place. He paid no attention to any of it, instead staying inside himself, working only to keep his tears at bay. He was rarely successful.
Kane allowed all funeral protocol to take place as mandated. The only part he refused to allow others to handle was the flower selection for the casket. He chose those arrangements with care, making sure they represented the man beneath them.
He instructed Autumn to participate in handling the weeklong schedule of events. He learned keeping Kennedy and his children busy allowed him time to sit uninterrupted beside Avery inside the funeral home. He only left when the funeral home closed for the night, and returned early the next morning.
Kane remained beside the casket even as they shut Avery inside to prepare to take him for the twenty-four hour lying in state vigil. Kane broke protocol for the event and stationed himself beside the casket as thousands and thousands of people filled the capitol rotunda and walked by to pay their final respects. This was where he belonged, where he had always been, where Avery wanted him to be, right there by Avery's side.
"Daddy, you have to get some sleep for tomorrow," Autumn said, coming to kneel down in front him. Kane had no idea of the time, but he was surprised to see her. He looked around to find the room quiet. The only people remaining were the honor guards standing watch over Avery's casket.
"You look so much like your father at this age. You've got that same determined set in your eyes. He was just a little older than you when I met him," Kane said, patting her hands that were folded across his knee.
"We need you to come home and sleep for a few hours before the funeral tomorrow," Robert said, and Kane looked up, startled. He hadn't seen Robert there.
"I've arranged to stay here tonight. You two go home and get some rest. You've done a good job for your dad. He'd be so proud of you. When they take him to get ready for the processional, I'll go home and get cleaned up, but I want to stay here tonight." He patted Autumn's hand before placing his palm back on Avery's casket where it had been most of the day.
"Daddy, before you got to the hospital, he made me promise we'd take care of you. You aren't a young man anymore. You can't do these things," Autumn started, but Kane stopped her.
"This is my last night with Avery. I'm not leaving him." Kane tried to be as stern and forceful as he could, but he thought he may have fallen short when Autumn shook her head and started to speak again. Robert placed a hand on her shoulder, effectively stopping her.
"I'll stay here with him. You go home and stay with Nonnie. I'll get him home as soon as I can," Robert said. Kane began to argue, but watched as Autumn started to stand and decided to let it go. Robert could stay if he wanted.
"Do you have a ride home?" Kane asked, reaching for his wallet to give her cab fare.
"They have cars for us. Daddy, there's a car out there for you and Robert. When you get tired, please come home." There were tears forming in her eyes, and seeing them tugged at him. He didn't want her to worry, but he couldn't leave Avery. Not yet. Tomorrow night, he'd deal with remaining in a life without Avery, but he didn't have to do that today. After a moment, he rose, handing her the tissue he'd worried in his hands for several hours and gave her a tight hug.
"I'm okay, baby. Just give me this," he whispered into her ear, hoping to ease some of her concern. "After tonight, it's all over. Just give me this last night." Autumn nodded against his shoulder, letting out a small sob as she hugged him tighter. "Robert, pl
ease take her to the car."
Kane released his sobbing daughter to his now crying son. All he wanted to do was continue sitting here just being with Avery. Robert did what he'd asked and came back, giving Kane room to do what he needed, where Autumn would have crowded him in her desire to make things better.
The guard in charge provided Robert a place to sit, where he could wait with Kane until the honor guard came to escort the casket to the funeral procession. When the military pallbearers arrived the next morning to execute their duties, they were denied at the door by the guard.
"Sir, they're here to take Mr. Vice President. I'm clearing out the room to give you a moment alone. They won't wait long," a younger sounding guard said. Kane never saw him. The man spoke from behind Kane's back, and then immediately turned and left the room again, drawing the doors closed behind him with a soft click. Kane stared at the casket. This was it, his last time with Avery. He stood; his tired gritty eyes roamed the top of the closed mahogany box. He wished he had one last look at Avery before they took him away. Kane placed both hands on top of the coffin, his eyes filled with tears. Tears that just wouldn't stop flowing.
He leaned in, placing his forehead close to where he thought Avery's would be, and he softly whispered, hoping Avery could hear his words, "I have to leave you now. I know you would fight this, but you have to do this part alone. They have so much planned to honor you today. It's exactly the way you would have wanted it. It's what you deserve…" Kane closed his eyes tighter, saying goodbye to Avery was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. He took a deep breath, trying to get through everything he wanted to say. "I love you, Avery. Always. You completed my life. You made me whole, gave me hope, made me a better man. For me, you were everything right in my life. And I know you're in heaven smiling down on us. You're too good a man to be kept out because of me. I know you have to be one of God's special angels. I know you're there, and I'm happy for you. I just miss you so much already. I'm trying to pull myself together here, but I'm failing, and I'm sorry. I'm just lost without you."
"Daddy, they need to take the casket." Robert's voice came from somewhere behind him.
"I love you, baby. Forever and always." Kane pressed his lips against the top of the casket, his tears falling freely on the polished mahogany box. This was it, they were taking Avery. It felt so wrong to leave his side, so final. How would he find the strength to go on without him? Kane kissed the coffin again before he forced himself away. Robert materialized beside him, handing him a handkerchief— one of Avery's—and he cried a little harder when the scent of his favorite cologne wafted from the soft fabric. Kane stood, watching the guards, Robert's arm wrapped around his shoulders, holding him up, as Avery was taken from the room. Kane followed closely behind the casket, waiting until they loaded Avery inside the hearse to transport him to the funeral events of the day.
Chapter 33
One week later
"Kane honey, you have to eat. I've told the children you're eating more and bathing. Please don't make a liar out of me," Kennedy said from her perch at Kane's kitchen table. He'd only come out of his room for a glass of water and a couple of Advil. He honestly didn't even know what time it was, a little surprised to still see daylight through the open curtains.
At the sound of her voice, Kane looked down at his clothing, relieved he wore his robe. He closed the lapels, tightened the sash, and he ran his fingers through his messy, dirty hair. He'd have thought she would have gone home by now. Kane grabbed the bottle of Advil, shook the last two pills into the palm of his hand, and reached for a bottle of water from his refrigerator. They were all gone.
Avery needs more water bottles, he thought to himself, before the realization of Avery's absence slashed across his heart on a level he'd never experienced before this last week, yet was growing painfully accustomed too. He'd had this same experience about nine hundred times a day since Avery's funeral. It was interesting how much anguish the heart could take and still continue to beat.
As the days since the funeral passed, and the house became depleted and unkempt, Kane naturally thought of how Avery would feel with his favorite soft terry bath towels still dirty from the morning he'd last used them, or how his toothpaste cap still lay discarded at the sink. Kane hadn't allowed housekeeping inside their bedroom; there were so many things Avery would have balked at after all this time.
Now, as he stared at the empty refrigerator, he thought about how Avery had been a complete water snob. He'd only drink a certain brand of water, and Kane had gone out of his way to keep the house stocked to encourage Avery to drink more. That brought tears to his eyes, ones he successfully fought as he turned away, settling on a glass of water from the sink.
He swallowed the pills down, dumping the rest of the water into the sink, and reminded himself all this was normal, no matter how bad he felt. Avery had occupied his head, heart, and soul for the last forty years. Of course he would continue on like this, probably until the day he died, and just like every time he thought that way, he said a small prayer wishing that day would come sooner rather than later.
The doorbell broke into his thoughts, making him aware Kennedy still chatted away behind him. He hadn't heard a word she'd said. Actually, he'd completely forgotten she was in the kitchen. Kane turned away, not interested in trying to catch up with her conversation as the doorbell chimed again insistently. He tightened the sash at his waist, ran his fingers through his hair again, then headed for the front of the house. He opened the door just as the delivery driver turned away to retreat back down the steps. The young kid waved a good-bye and hopped back in his van. A bouquet of calla lilies sat at Kane's feet. A smile tugged at his lips. His favorite flower—and these were tipped in the lightest of pink. They were beautiful.
Kane picked up the vase and brought the flowers to his nose, breathing them in. Most people said calla lilies had no fragrance. He always disagreed, picking up the faintest of clean, sweet, floral scents. Pain slashed again across his heart as he recalled sending a similar bouquet to Avery after his first dinner at La Bella Luna. The tears started to roll down his cheeks as he looked closer at the blooms. There was no way whoever sent them could have known this arrangement was his favorite or that it had been the one he'd chosen to use when he'd apologized to Avery all those years ago. The pain of Avery's loss rolled through him again, becoming too much. He closed the front door behind him and set the flowers on the nearest end table, grabbing a tissue from the box beside them. It was then he noticed a notecard hidden among the flowers, having missed it amid the beautiful blooms.
"Kane" was scribbled across the front of the envelope—in Avery's handwriting. His heart stopped in his chest, and his hands shook as he opened the card.
My love,
If you're reading this, that means I'm no longer there with you and that worries me more than you know. The idea of leaving you is almost more than I can bear, so I'm going to leave that thought right there and move on to more important things.
I've told you so many times how much I love you. Please remember that every single day for the rest of your life. You are my everything, you hold my heart and carry my soul. You made my life better. My only regret was not meeting you sooner, so we could have had more time together in this life.
Please make sure Autumn and Robert have what they need. I've taken care of them financially, but I'm sure you know that by now. Let them know how much I love and cherish them, how much I love our family, and how proud I am of who they've become as people. Please look in on my mother. She won't allow you to take care of her, but please visit her often. I love her very much, too.
These flowers will keep coming so you know how much I truly love you. I tried to come close to the ones you sent me all those years ago. I'm not sure if you even remember them, but I do. What a special memory that has been. And what a beautiful life I had the honor of sharing with you.
I know I'm waiting for you. Take your time, do what you need to do there, but I know I'm wherev
er I'm supposed to be, waiting for you to walk beside me again for all eternity. You are my soul, my always. Never doubt that for a single moment.
I'm crying, Kane, and I haven't even left you yet. I'm not afraid to die, but I am afraid of leaving you.
I'll be waiting.
I love you always,
A
Kane read and re-read the note before he stared disbelievingly at the paper in his hand.
"Son, what is it?" Kennedy said from behind him. It took a minute, but he handed her the note, his eyes focused on her face as she read each word. He recognized the minute she read Avery's words to her. The poised, always together matriarch of the family began to cry. When she was finished reading, she turned away, hiding herself as she handed the note back to Kane.
"Thank you for staying so long, Kennedy, but I think you should go home now," Kane said, gathering the flowers and holding Avery's note tight against his chest.
"I believe I should too," Kennedy said. Her voice broke as she walked away from him, back into the kitchen. "He loved you, Kane. You can never doubt that, but you have to find a way to go on, Son. Avery wouldn't like seeing you like this."
She was right. Avery would hate to see him this way, but he couldn't seem to find a way to move on. He didn't respond to her. Instead, he went back into his bedroom, shutting and locking the door behind him. He placed the bouquet on his nightstand and kept the note in his hand, reading the words over and over again.
Chapter 34
Seven weeks later
Kane sat on his back porch, listening to the birds chirp and letting the cool spring breeze blow across his skin, ruffling his hair. He tightened the sweater around his chest. Avery's latest bouquet had arrived this morning, about the same time Autumn had come to check on him. She called the unexpected visit 'time alone' with her father, but Kane knew her true motivation. These unannounced visits were growing in frequency, and the frowns were more pronounced each time the children stopped by. Kane tried to care, tried to ease their worry, but apparently no matter what he said or did, they had their own thoughts and nothing seemed to make them feel any better once they'd arrived.
Always (With Bonus Material) (Always & Forever Book 1) Page 28
