Safe With Me

by Kristen Proby

  “Oh, goody,” I respond sarcastically.

  “That American Dream that y’all fight so hard for over there? The freedoms that you would die to protect? They’re yours too, you know.”

  My head jerks up and I stare at her as she continues.

  “You’ve earned the right to be happy, more than most of us.” She swallows and lays her hand over my arm. “You have earned her, Sergeant.”

  “How did you know?” I ask but she cuts me off.

  “You scream Sergeant. Or Lieutenant.”

  “Sergeant,” I whisper.

  She nods and glances down the bar. “Before you go home and claim her before someone else does, you need to get some help for the PTSD and get your head on straight.”

  “What are you a fucking shrink?” I sneer.

  “No,” she shakes her head and smiles softly. “But I know a good one.” She pulls a card out of her back pocket and slides it across the bar to me before she winks and saunters down the bar to help other customers.

  What the fuck does she know, anyway?

  I suddenly don’t want any more whiskey, and can’t stand the stale smell of liquor in this bar, so I throw some bills on the bar and walk away, through the crowd beginning to gather and out the door. This particular joint isn’t far from the apartment the Navy put me up in during my contract. I’ve been training SEALs near San Diego, California for the better part of three months, and the pretty bartender was right.

  The contract is over.

  I have an open invitation at the mercenary training center I left near Seattle, but living in Seattle means living near Brynna and the girls, and I don’t know that I could survive that.

  Look how well you’re surviving down here, asshole.

  I slam into my apartment and flop onto the couch, staring at the ceiling and listening to the air conditioning unit click on. It’s only May, but it’s already warm in southern California, even late in the evening.

  I wonder what the weather is like back home.

  I pull my iPhone out of my pocket and bring up the weather app. It’s already set to Seattle.

  Sunny and mid-sixties.

  Nice weather. My girls would like to go to the park in that kind of weather.

  My girls.

  God, I’m such a fucking mess. I chose to leave, knowing that they loved me.

  I chose.

  Because staying would only end up hurting them.

  You’ve earned her.

  I scrub my hands down my face with a long sigh and squeeze my eyes shut. I miss them. I thought it would get better with time, but the truth is, it only gets worse. Every day is it’s own special sadistic kind of torture and I’d give anything to be with them.

  All of them.

  I fucked up big time.

  I stare down at the phone and bring her number up, along with her photo and stare down at it, my thumb hovering over the number and debate about calling her.

  I need to hear her voice.

  More than that, I need to feel her. Hold her close and breathe her in.

  I need it so bad it hurts.

  Instead of pressing the button to call, I lay back on the couch and stare at her sweet face, her big brown eyes, long dark hair, and remember what it’s like to feel her close to me while I sleep.

  How safe it feels to fall asleep near her, where the nightmares stay far away, and pray it’s enough to keep them at bay because I didn’t get drunk enough to numb myself tonight.

  Liquor is the only thing that numbs my brain of thoughts of Bryn and the nightmares.

  ***

  Where are they?

  “Brynna!” I scream and run through her house, up the stairs and back down again, room to room, trying to find them.

  They’re screaming and crying for me.

  “Daddy!” Maddie cries hysterically.

  “Caleb, help us!” Brynna calls out.

  Bix is barking frantically, not his alert bark, but a full out attack bark.

  Glass shatters.

  Gunshots.

  “Daddy!”

  I can’t fucking find them!

  I run back up the stairs, but when I get there, I’m somehow in the kitchen. I need to get upstairs. That’s where the crying is coming from.

  “I’m coming!” I yell and run for the stairs again, but when I try to climb them, I’m moving in super slow-motion, not able to move fast enough to get upstairs.

  “Daddy!”

  Now their cries are coming from the kitchen, but I can’t turn around to get back there.

  Fuck!

  Suddenly, everything is dead quiet. Even Bix has stopped barking, and I can hear quiet sobs coming from somewhere, although I can’t tell where, I just know that I can’t move fast enough to reach them.

  “Daddy,” Josie whispers.

  I wake with a start, gasping for breath, sweat running down my face.

  Sonofamotherfucker.

  I jump from the couch and run through the apartment, frantically searching, before it occurs to me that it was a dream and the girls aren’t here.

  “That American Dream that y’all fight so hard for over there? The freedoms that you would die to protect? They’re yours too, you know.”

  Damn right they’re mine.

  They’re mine.

  I pull the business card from the redheaded bartender out of my back pocket and dial the number.

  It’s time to fix this shit and go home.

  ***

  “How have the nightmares been in the week since you’ve been coming to me?” Dr. Reese asks calmly.

  “I’ve only had one,” I reply and lean forward in my chair, resting my elbows on my knees.

  “That’s an improvement.”

  I nod and sigh. “Still not great in crowds.”

  “Have you been in a large crowd of people lately?” He asks with a raised brow.

  “I was at the grocery store on a Saturday. It was crowded.” I shrug.

  “And what happened?”

  “I left.”

  “The crowds may always bother you, Caleb. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder never really goes away, you just learn to manage and live with it.”

  “PTSD is another term for pussy, doc. Let’s not sugar coat it.”

  His eyes narrow on me for a moment before he frowns and sits back in his chair.

  “Are you saying that if any of your teammates…”

  “Brothers,” I correct him.

  “Brothers had survived that day on that mountain, and were currently going through what you are, you’d call them a pussy?” He tilts his head, watching me carefully.

  “They didn’t survive because I couldn’t keep them safe!”

  “Caleb, it was the four of you against more than fifty heavily armed men. How in the world do you think you could all survive that?”

  “It was a fucked up mission,” I mutter and scrub my hand over my mouth.

  “Agreed,” he nods. “But your lack of intel didn’t kill your men, Caleb. The enemy killed them. You know this.”

  “I know.” It’s the first time I’ve admitted it. “But why did I survive? I’m the cursed one, doc.”

  “It doesn’t sound like you’re living a cursed life, Caleb. You have a great family, a woman who loves you, a strong career.”

  “And when will the other shoe drop?”

  “Why does it have to?” He leans forward in his chair and pins me in his gaze. “You did your job, Caleb. You saved Brynna and her daughters from an intruder. You did what you were there to do. You kept them safe.”

  I stare at him as images from that night race through my mind. Telling Bryn I was leaving. The shattering of the window. Fighting that motherfucker who came to hurt them, and aiming my pistol at his head and pulling the trigger.

  “I would die to keep them safe,” I whisper. “But I was so horrible to her. The things I said, telling her I don’t love her. It was the only way I could think of to push her away.”

  “Don’t you think she’ll un
derstand that when you explain it to her? From what you’ve told me, she sounds like a reasonable woman. And you’re facing your demons to keep them in your life. You’re making progress.”

  “Well, the first step is admitting there’s a problem, right?” I ask sarcastically.

  He smirks and shakes his head. “Have you spoken to the family members of the men you lost that day?”

  I sober and blink at him slowly. “Not since their funerals.”

  “Maybe you should.”

  “Call and talk to Bates’ and Marshall’s wives and Lewis’s mom, just to hear them tell me it should have been me and hang up on me?” I ask incredulously.

  He shakes his head. “No. Call them. That’s your last lesson from me, and then I’m sending you home. You will need to continue to see someone for a while, but you’re going to be fine, Caleb.”

  Home.

  I stand and stare down at the doctor, uncertain about this last task. The talking and rehashing of the mission was hard enough.

  Talking to the family members?

  Fuck.

  “You’ll be fine,” he repeats.

  I nod and leave his office and walk briskly to my car, slam the door and pull my phone out. If this is what I have to do to get home, so be it.

  I firm my jaw and dial the first number.

  ***

  The drive back to Seattle has been too long. Another week has passed since I made those calls. A week to pack up my shit, sit through a few more sessions with the good doctor and get on the road.

  Jesus, what if she doesn’t take me back?

  I pull to a stop in front of her house and jump from the car, leaving the door wide open, and race to the front door, banging with my fist.

  No answer.

  The house is calm.

  I run around to the back and notice with satisfaction that the back window has been replaced. My workout gear is gone.

  I’ll have to replace that.

  I bang on the sliding glass door, but there is still no answer and no movement inside. Even Bix doesn’t come running to see who is knocking.

  Please let them be at her mom and dad’s.

  I climb back into the car and race to Bryn’s parents, but am faced with another quiet, still house.

  Where is everybody?

  It’s Sunday morning, for Christsake.

  With a frown, I head north of Seattle toward my parent’s house. I haven’t spoken to them, or anyone, in almost two months. I need to clear the air and apologize.

  To everyone.

  Just as I pull up to the house and step from the car, Matt pulls in behind me with Pop and Isaac with him.

  Before I can get a word out, Matt storms from his car, his eyes pissed and teeth bared and grips me by the collar of my shirt and slams me against my car.

  “You fucking cocksucker!” He yells and pulls his fist back and plants it firmly in my jaw.

  “What the fuck?” I yell and reverse our positions, pinning Matt to the car. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  Instead of answering, he swings again, planting his fist in my eye and I reel back, landing flat on my ass.

  He’s a strong fucker.

  Before Matt can continue with his ass-beating, Isaac and Pop grab both his arms and hold him back.

  “I said stop!” Pop yells.

  “Jesus Christ, man!” Isaac cries.

  “It’s his fault!” Matt points at me and spits to the side, blood lands on the concrete from the jab I managed to get in.

  “What the fuck is my fault?” I demand and press the heel of my hand to my eye. Christ, that hurts. “I haven’t even been here!”

  “Exactly!” Matt shrugs Isaac and Pop off and gets in my face again, but doesn’t touch me. His nose is inches from mine, his eyes wide and dark in anger, jar clenched. “You weren’t fucking here. I told you before you left she wasn’t safe yet. We didn’t know enough to pull her security.”

  “What are you saying?” I ask as my heart stutters into overdrive.

  “They’ve been hurt, son,” Pop murmurs from behind Matt.

  “What?” My eyes find Isaac and Pop’s only to find them full of sadness and fear. “What?” I ask Matt.

  “Someone cut her brake line,” Isaac informs me. “She and the girls were in a pretty nasty accident last night.”

  I back away from them all, my feet moving without any direction from my head. I shove my hands up into my hair and stare at my brothers and father.

  “What?”

  “The kids aren’t banged up too badly. Mostly bruises, although Maddie needed stitches in her hand,” Isaac informs me.

  “Brynna?” I ask.

  “She’s unconscious,” Pop replies softly. “Concussion. Dislocated shoulder. They’re keeping her to watch the head injury and to make sure there’s nothing internal.”

  “Oh my God.”

  “There was video surveillance in the parking lot of the mall she was parked in, so we know who did it, and we have already arrested him,” Matt mutters, still glaring at me. “But you weren’t here, Caleb.”

  “Why was she alone?” I ask.

  “You weren’t fucking here!”

  “So what!” I scream back. “You’re here! You’re all here! She’s as safe with you as she was with me!”

  “She wouldn’t allow it,” Pop inserts with a sigh. “She said she could take care of her and the girls on her own, she’d been doing it for years, and she wouldn’t let us move her in with us or stay with her.”

  I’m pacing around the driveway, not believing my ears.

  “You have got to be kidding me.”

  “You messed her up, man,” Isaac says. “She’s been a mess. The girls cry a lot.”

  Direct hit, right to the gut.

  “I left because I thought it was the right thing to do.”

  “You left,” Matt interrupts, “because you’re a fucking pussy.”

  “Where are they?”

  None of them will answer me, and it tears me apart that they don’t trust me. That they think that I’ll hurt Brynna and the babies.

  “Where are they?” I repeat. “Dad, I love them. That’s why I’m here.”

  Pop sighs and rubs his eyes with his hands.

  “They’re at Harborview.”

  Without answering I jump in my car and peel out of my parent’s driveway.

  My girls are hurt!

  I race down to Harborview, not paying attention to the posted speed limits or traffic laws, find parking and run inside.

  “Brynna Vincent,” I bark at the woman behind the registration desk. “I need to find her.”

  “One moment,” she murmurs and types on her keyboard. “Looks like she’s up on the fourth floor, room four-oh-nine.”

  I bypass the elevator and climb the stairs, three at a time, until I reach the fourth floor. As I stomp past the waiting room, I hear, “Caleb!”

  I stop dead in my tracks at the sound of that little voice.

  “Hey, buttercup,” I fall to my knees as Maddie throws herself in my arms, crying and clinging to me. “Hey, are you okay?”

  “I have stitches,” she pouts and leans back to show me her little hand wrapped in gauze. I kiss it gently and offer her a smile.

  “Where is Josie?”

  “Caleb!”

  Josie jumps on my back, hugging me around the neck. “I had to pee!”

  I tug her around and wrap my arms around both girls, breathing them in. Josie has a black eye, and Maddie’s lip is split.

  I’m going to fucking kill whoever got their hands on Brynna’s brakes.

  “Are you sure you’re both okay?” I ask with a rough voice. They nod and Josie snuggles close to me.

  “Where did you go?” She whispers.

  “I had a job,” I respond and clench my eyes shut. “I’m home now.”

  “Brynna won’t be happy to see you.”

  I glance up to find Luke and Nat, Meg, Nate and Brynna’s parents watching me. Even Leo and Sam are here,
along with Dominic.

  Of course the whole family is here.

  “I have to see her,” I respond and kiss the girls’ heads softly. “You stay here, okay? I’m gonna go see your mama.”

  “She’s sleeping,” Maddie informs me with tears. “I wanna see her too, but she keeps sleeping.”

  “You’ll get to see her soon, sweetheart.”

  “Jules and Will are with her now,” Sam calls to me with a sympathetic smile. “Welcome home.”

  I wave and hurry to Bryn’s room and approach just as Jules and Will are coming out.

  “Oh, my God,” Jules mutters with wide eyes. “Who called you?”

  “No one,” I scowl. Why didn’t anyone call me?

  “She’s not your woman,” Will counters and crosses his arms over his chest, blocking my entrance to the room. “And you’re not going in there.”

  “Yeah, I am.” My gaze bounces between my brother and sister. “I love her. More than anything. I know I fucked everything up, but I have to make it right. I have to see her to make sure she’s okay.”

  “She’s okay,” Jules assures me. “But I don’t think you should go in there either, Caleb. She won’t want to see you.”

  “For the few minutes she was lucid, she insisted we not call you,” Will tells me and for the first time, what looks like sympathy moves across his face.

  “So, here’s the thing,” I cross my arms, mirroring Will’s stance. “I’m going in there. You can both either move, or I can move you. It’s your choice.”

  Jules rolls her eyes. “Fine, stubborn ass,” she mutters and stomps off toward the waiting room. Will doesn’t move.

  “Well?” I ask him.

  “You’ve already hurt her enough.”

  I stare at him for what feels like minutes. Finally, I sigh and drop my head. “I know.”

  “She deserves to be treated with respect.”

  “I know.” I nod and pace away in a circle, right here in the hallway of the hospital.

  “She deserves to be loved unconditionally.”

  “Look, I know I’m not good enough…”

  “That’s not what I said, asshole,” Will interrupts. “You are exactly what she needs, but she needs you to love her and her girls. To stay, Caleb. So if you’re going to puss out and run again, I need to know now so I can throw you out of here on your sorry ass.”