‘Zoo World’s bigger,’ said the driver.
‘That one, then,’ said Howard.
‘On the other hand…’ said the driver.
‘GET A
MOVE
ON!’
shouted someone else from behind.
‘Tell you what,’ said the driver. ‘I’ll surprise you.’
‘You do that,’ said Howard, paying, and grabbing a ticket.
He hurried to the back of the bus and plunked down, wetly, with the bundle of Ortrud on one knee and Purvis and Mickey Thompson on the other. Everyone started steaming gently as the bus lurched off.
‘,’
shouted the driver, so
Howard scooped up
Ortrud and the mice and started
staggering
up the aisle.
‘,’
shouted the driver again,
‘ -OOO!’
Everyone on the bus turned to look at Howard.
‘I’m coming, I’m coming,’ muttered Howard, staggering to the door and down the steps and out onto the road where, sure enough, there was a large green gate with a large green sign saying
‘,’
in big red letters.
‘At last,’ said Howard.
‘But I wonder which one it is?’ said Purvis.
‘Only one way to find out,’ said Howard, going in.
‘Wow,’ breathed Mickey Thompson, gazing around.
‘Oh no,’ gasped Purvis, staring straight ahead.
‘What?’ said Howard.
‘It can’t be,’ said Purvis. ‘Can it?’
‘What?’ said Howard.
‘It isn’t,’ said Purvis. ‘Is it?’
‘What? What?’ said Howard.
‘It is,’ said Purvis, pointing. ‘Over there. It’s…’
‘MR BULLERTON!’
shouted Mickey Thompson.
Welcome
to the
!
‘YIKES!’ squawked Howard, diving behind a nearby bush. Ortrud trumpeted in surprise.
‘Yr squshn ush, Hrwd,’ said Mickey Thompson, muffledly.
‘Sorry,’ grunted Howard, rolling off them.
‘But what’s Mr Bullerton doing here? He isn’t supposed to be here.’
‘Neither are you,’ whispered Purvis. ‘Strictly speaking.’
‘Quite,’ whispered Howard, ‘and if he sees me, I’m for it.’
‘Maybe it wasn’t really him,’ whispered Mickey Thompson.
‘It really looked like him,’ whispered Purvis.
‘Maybe it was someone who really looked like him, but wasn’t actually him,’ whispered Mickey Thompson.
‘Of course it was him,’ whispered Howard. ‘Who else could it be?’
‘Yes, he is distinctive,’ agreed Purvis.
‘But quite far away,’ whispered Mickey Thompson. ‘We might have been mistaken.’
‘Check,’ whispered Howard. ‘We need to be sure.’
So Purvis peeped over the top of the bush and checked.
‘He’s gone,’ he said.
‘GONE?’ squawked Howard. ‘What do you mean, gone?’
‘Moved off,’ said Purvis. ‘Disappeared.’
Howard spun about, frantically.
‘But this is worse,’ he said. ‘He might loom up at any moment.’
‘What do you think we should do?’ asked Purvis.
‘Leave,’ said Howard. ‘Fast.’
‘But, Howard,’ chorused the mice, disappointedly.
‘You said we could have a day out at the , Howard,’ said Mickey Thompson.
‘Yes, I know I did,’ said Howard, ‘but—’
‘And Ortrud wants to meet the other elephants, Howard,’ said Purvis.
‘Yes, I know she does,’ said Howard, ‘but—’
‘It’s important for her Nervous Exhaustion, Howard,’ said Mickey Thompson, giving Ortrud a nudge. Ortrud tooted, plaintively.
‘Yes, yes, all right,’ said Howard. ‘Just let me think.’
‘We could go to the other instead,’ suggested Purvis.
‘We don’t know the way,’ said Howard.
‘We could ask,’ said Purvis.
‘By “we” I take it you mean “I”,’ said Howard.
‘Well, yes,’ said Purvis. ‘I happened to notice an INFORMATION POINT when I was looking for Mr Bullerton. You could try there.’
Howard sighed and peeped, carefully, over the top of the bush. Purvis was right: some way off, in the middle of a patch of concrete, sat a little wooden hut marked INFORMATION POINT.
‘It’s too risky, Purvis,’ said Howard, crouching down again. ‘That hut’s very exposed. If Mr Bullerton comes back while I’m there he’ll see me for sure.’
‘But I’ve got an idea,’ said Purvis.
‘So have I,’ said Howard. ‘We’ll go back to the office and come another day.’
‘No, wait,’ said Purvis, pulling leaves off the bush and pushing them into the neck of Howard’s shirt.
‘Get off!’ said Howard, brushing them out. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Camouflaging you,’ said Purvis, putting them back.
‘Here, Howard,’ said Mickey Thompson, lunging at Howard’s face with a handful of mud and smearing it, helpfully.
‘Bleugh!’ said Howard.
‘There,’ said Purvis, adding some twigs. ‘You blend in beautifully. Stay close to the ground and if he sees you at all he’ll think you’re foliage.’
‘Would that I were,’ said Howard, through gritted teeth. ‘Foliage has an easy life.’
‘The coast’s clear,’ said Purvis, checking.
‘All foliage has to do is sit around all day being foliage,’ grumbled Howard.
‘I should go now if I were you,’ said Purvis. ‘Before he comes back.’
Muttering crossly, Howard wrenched off a branch of bush, held it aloft and began crawling towards the INFORMATION POINT.
‘HURRAY!’ cheered Mickey Thompson. ‘GO ON, HOWARD!’
Howard reversed, quickly.
‘Shuuuussshhh!’ he hissed. ‘No. Attracting. Attention.’
‘Sorry, Howard,’ whispered Mickey Thompson.
Howard set off once more, and the Clumsies peeped over the top of the bush and watched.
‘He’s taking his time,’ observed Mickey Thompson.
‘It’s because of the mud and puddles,’ said Purvis. ‘I expect he’ll go faster on the concrete.’
‘Oh,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘Oh, look! There are some people.’
‘Mmm,’ said Purvis, worriedly.
‘Do you think they’ve noticed him?’ asked Mickey Thompson.
‘Mmm,’ said Purvis, worriedly. ‘We should have done a better job with the camouflage.’
‘He’s gone very still,’ said Mickey Thompson.
‘So have the people,’ said Purvis.
‘I wonder what’s going to happen next,’ said Mickey Thompson, who was enjoying himself.
‘I can’t bear to watch,’ said Purvis, covering his eyes. ‘Tell me.’
‘They’re moving towards him,’ said Mickey Thompson, ‘and…oooooh…’
‘What?’ squeaked Purvis.
‘No, it’s OK,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘They’re backing away now. They’re running, actually. And they’ve gone.’
Eventually Howard reached the INFORMATION POINT and staggered upright, stiffly.
‘Anyone in?’ he called, knocking, and a noise came from inside that sounded like someone blowing an extremely loud raspberry. ‘Tthhppf,’ it went.
‘HELLO?’ called Howard, knocking again, and rattling the handle. The door opened a crack and a woman peered out.
‘Hello,’ whispered the woman, glancing around nervously.
The noise happened again, and Howard jumped.
‘Welcome to the zoo,’ whispered the woman.
‘Er,’ said Howard.
‘Yes?’ whispered the woman.
‘Is this the INFORMATION P
OINT?’ whispered Howard.
‘Yes,’ whispered the woman. She closed the door and Howard waited, and waited some more, then he knocked again and the woman peered out.
‘It’s you,’ she whispered, sounding surprised. ‘Welcome to the .’
‘You’ve already— oof,’ said Howard, staggering backwards as the noise happened again, even more loudly, and a leaflet flew through the door and hit him in the face.
‘Whoops,’ whispered the woman. ‘It was the wind,’
‘Well, really,’ said Howard, ‘I don’t—’
‘Goodbye,’ whispered the woman, closing the door, firmly.
‘Extraordinary,’ muttered Howard. He crawled quickly back to the bush and arrived behind it, puffing.
‘I’m back,’ he puffed .
‘How did it go?’ asked Purvis. ‘Did you get the directions?’
‘No,’ said Howard. ‘Some people have no idea how to run an INFORMATION POINT.’
‘What was it that hit you?’ asked Mickey Thompson.
‘This,’ said Howard, chucking the leaflet on to the ground. It was green, and decorated all over with pictures of happy-looking animals.
‘It’s the same as Purvis’s,’ said Mickey Thompson. Purvis picked it up and studied it.
‘Welcome to the Zoo!’ he read out.
‘Don’t you start,’ groaned Howard.
‘Welcome to the World zoo or welcome to the World of zoo?’ asked Mickey Thompson.
‘I could do with a cup of tea,’ said Howard, closing his eyes.
‘It doesn’t specify,’ said Purvis, ‘but the in this leaflet seems to be a different zoo from the zoo in my leaflet.’
He rummaged in his rucksack, found his leaflet, and studied it.
‘It looks the same to me,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘What does it say?’
‘Welcome to the Zoo!’ read out Purvis.
‘I could definitely do with a cup of tea,’ said Howard.
Purvis carefully placed the leaflets side by side on the ground and stared at them.
‘Hmm,’ he said. He turned them over and stared at the backs; then he opened them up and examined the maps in the middle.
‘Map of the zoo,’ said Mickey Thompson, p o i n t i n g. ‘And the same map of the same
,’
he said, p o i n t i n g at the other one.
‘But, look,’ said Purvis. ‘In the leaflet on the left the ANIMAL ENCOUNTER ENCLOSURE is at number 9 on the map, and in the leaflet on the right,’ he said, tapping it, ‘the ANIMAL ENCOUNTER ENCLOSURE is at number 10.’
‘It’s probably a misprint,’ said Howard.
‘And here,’ said Purvis, tapping again, ‘we have NOCTURNAL CREATURES at number 37, while the other number 37’s an ICE-CREAM KIOSK.’
‘Let’s go there,’ said Mickey Thompson, quickly.
‘I’m not sure we can,’ said Purvis. ‘It’s been crossed out.’
‘WHAT?’ said Mickey Thompson.
‘There’s more,’ said Purvis. ‘Look again at the pictures of the animals on the front.’
Howard and Mickey Thompson looked again at the pictures of the animals on the front.
‘See?’ said Purvis.
‘No,’ said Howard and Mickey Thompson.
‘Anteater, elephant, penguin, unusual thing, monkey, giraffe,’ said Purvis, pointing them out.
‘But on this one,’ he continued, ‘it’s anteater, elephant, penguin, unusual thing, monkey.
‘No giraffe!’ gasped Mickey Thompson.
‘Exactly,’ said Purvis.
‘Where’s it gone?’ whispered Mickey Thompson.
‘I don’t know,’ said Purvis. ‘And the elephant looks a lot less happy in that picture, too.’
Ortrud wriggled out of her wrapping and hurried over, tooting.
‘Managing to walk now, are we?’ said Howard.
‘She’s worried about the elephant,’ said Purvis.
‘And the missing giraffe,’ added Mickey Thompson.
‘I’m sure there’s a simple explanation for it all,’ said Howard, yawning, and checking his watch. ‘Does either of those leaflets happen to mention a tea room?’
‘Let’s see,’ said Purvis. ‘There’s CAFÉ MARMOSET at number 29, both leaflets.’
‘Right, then,’ said Howard.
‘And there’s the BLUE LAGOON BISTRO at number 76, this leaflet.’
‘Fine,’ said Howard.
‘And there’s the HUT SUT HIP HOP HOT DOG HUT at number 3 that leaflet.’
‘Good heavens,’ said Howard.
‘And the SNACK ATTACK SHACK at number 6 this...’
‘Enough,’ said Howard. ‘I’ve got a fancy for CAFÉ MARMOSET.’
‘Number 29 in both leaflets,’ said Mickey Thompson, helpfully.
‘Which must be a good sign,’ said Howard. ‘Come along, let’s go and find it.’
‘But, Howard,’ said Purvis. ‘I’m not sure it’s safe.’
‘Eh?’ said Howard.
‘Mr Bullerton,’ said Purvis.
‘EEK,’ screeched Howard. He flung himself flat on his front and covered his head with his arms.
‘What’s up, Howard?’ asked Mickey Thompson, cheerfully.
‘Where is he? Has he gone?’ gurgled Howard, his face in a puddle.
‘No, I didn’t mean he’s here here,’ said Purvis. ‘I meant he might be here. I mean, I know he is here, somewhere, but he isn’t here right now here. If you see what I mean.’
Howard sat up, groaning.
‘I’d forgotten about Mr Bullerton,’ he said, mopping his face.
‘It’s because you’re getting elderly and forgetful, Howard,’ giggled Mickey Thompson.
‘Quiet, you,’ said Howard, still mopping.
‘Number 29’s rather a long way to crawl, you see,’ said Purvis, ‘and I’m not sure the CAMOUFLAGE is up to it.’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said Howard. ‘I managed the trip to the INFORMATION POINT and back.’
‘I think those people might have spotted you, though,’ said Purvis. ‘They looked as though they had.’
‘Well, yes, they did,’ admitted Howard. ‘But they should have minded their own business.’
‘Possibly,’ said Purvis, ‘but—’
‘Which is what I told them,’ said Howard.
‘Yeah, SHOO!’
cheered Mickey Thompson, shaking his fist at some imaginary intruders.
‘Hmm,’ said Purvis, frowning.
‘What do you mean, hmm,’ said Howard.
‘You were supposed to be being a bush,’ said Purvis. ‘A talking bush would attract attention, not the other way around.’
‘Well it’s too late to worry about that now,’ said Howard.
‘I think you’d better stay here,’ said Purvis, ‘and we’ll go and see if we can find you some better CAMOUFLAGE.’
‘And a take-away cup of tea,’
said Howard.
‘We’ll see what we can do,’ said Purvis.
‘Well don’t take too long,’ said Howard. ‘I can’t hide here all day, you know.’
‘Of course not, Howard,’ said Purvis.
‘It’s most inconvenient,’ grumbled Howard. ‘I was supposed to be enjoying a time of tranquillity, not rolling around in the mud dodging roving Bullertons and nosy members of the public.’
‘We’ll be as quick as we can,’ promised Purvis. He picked up the leaflets, Mickey Thompson adjusted his pith helmet, and they tip-toed round the side of the bush and set off across the zoo. Tooting loudly, Ortrud trotted after them.
‘Big, isn’t it?’ said Mickey Thompson, after they’d been going for a while.
‘Even Bigger than I was expecting,’ said Purvis.
‘But I thought there’d be more animals,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘We haven’t seen any yet.’
‘What’s that over there?’ said Purvis, pointing.
‘A dragon!’ said Mickey Thompson.
‘Eh?’ said Purvis.
‘Oh. A rock,’ said Mickey Thompson, disappointedly.
‘No, behind that,’ said Purvis. ‘I thought I saw something moving.’
They watched.
‘Nothing,’ sighed Mickey Thompson.
‘Pity,’ said Purvis, ‘but look, there’s a sign-post. Maybe that’ll help.’ They ran over and gazed up at it.
‘AZURE ZONE: FRUIT BATS; BLACK-CRESTED MACAQUES,’
read out Purvis.
‘Which number?’ asked Mickey Thompson, and Purvis consulted his leaflets.
‘Seven,’ he said, ‘in both.’
‘We’re still quite a way from number 29 then,’ said Mickey Thompson.
‘Mmm,’ said Purvis.
‘Might there be a short cut?’ asked Mickey Thompson.
‘Mmm,’ said Purvis, still studying the leaflets.
‘Mmm yes or mmm no?’ asked Mickey Thompson.
‘Mmm I don’t know,’ said Purvis. ‘But listen: the HUT SUT HIP HOP HOT DOG HUT’S at number 3 in one of the leaflets and I don’t remember passing it, do you?’
‘No,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘And I would definitely have noticed.’
‘That’s what I thought,’ said Purvis, ‘so I reckon we’re here.’ He showed Mickey Thompson the place on one of the leaflets.
‘There should be ring-tailed lemurs to the left, and elephants just around—’
‘TOOOOOT!’
trumpeted Ortrud, racing off.
‘PURVIS!’ shouted Mickey Thompson.
‘ORTRUD!’ shouted Purvis. ‘COME BACK!’
The mice chased Ortrud down a narrow path, over a patch of grass and across an ornamental bridge, but she was too fast for them.
‘We’ve lost her,’ puffed Purvis, as they arrived on the other side of the boating lake.
‘Bother,’ panted Mickey Thompson. ‘Isn’t it pretty, though? Look, there are ducks and everything.’
‘Yes, it’s lovely,’ said Purvis, gazing about. ‘But where is she?’
‘I wish I’d brought some bread,’ said Mickey Thompson.
The Clumsies Make a Mess of the Zoo Page 2
