Handy stares at me like he doesn’t believe a single word I say, and really who can blame him. I have never had a problem taking time off before so we both know that’s not the problem. “We need to go out.”
I groan at the suggestion but I don’t fight against it. I have never managed to talk Handy out of a drunken night in the whole time I've known him and I decided a long time ago to stop wasting my energy.
“You will love it. Go out, have a drink and find a cute little twink that you can fuck into the mattress. What isn’t to love about that?”
Yeah, what isn’t to love? Well unless you count the whole topping someone who is smaller than me, because obviously as a large guy that’s what I'm looking to do. This is why I haven’t told anyone what really gets my engine revving because I'm pretty sure no one will look at me the same again. That was the refreshing thing about Aiden … he just knew. My stomach tumbles when I think about Aiden. I’ve been trying to not think about him but it’s getting harder every day. I dream about him so he's the first thing in my head when I wake up in the morning and I cant seem to get him out for the rest of the day. He's always there, smiling at me, seducing me with those blazing eyes, and I swear I can feel his hand around my throat still when I concentrate. The bruises he left on my body have started to fade and with them is my determination to stay away.
Everyday I need to fight against the urge to go running back to Aiden. Explain to him that I was scared about the way I was feeling and that’s why I ran, but then I chicken out and stay away. Why would he care about my feelings when I was just a way to get off, unless I wasn’t just a hot body. Maybe he felt the same things that I did, that spark when our skin touched and the feeling when our bodies connected, the way we just felt right together.
“Tonight we head to Climate, I will round the guys up.” With that said he gets up from the couch and leaves the living room with his phone against his ear.
Looks like we’re going out tonight then.
* * * *
“Hey there, sexy. Aren’t you just a big lump of fantastic-ness?”
I don’t even look at who’s talking, just lifting my beer to my lips to have a drink before replying. “Not interested. Keep moving.”
I hear a huff before the heat that was pressed against my arm vanishes. I knew coming out tonight was going to be a mistake and when I got out of the shower I should have given in to my urge to just get into bed. Instead I've been sitting here for far too long trying to fend off handsy men who want to get to know me better.
“Seriously what is your problem? He was just your type.”
I take another drink hoping that Handy will take it as a hint that I don’t want to talk about it. Unfortunately he doesn’t and he continues on while I flag down the barman and order some tequila shots. I'm going to need to be a lot drunker than I am to survive tonight. I down two of them while I listen to Handy carry on.
“I just don’t get you. Why aren’t you making the most of the single life? You didn’t even look at that guy, he was hot.”
I turn to look at him as I slip a shot glass in front of him. He takes it and downs it. “How would you know if he was hot?”
“I'm straight not dead, dude. I can appreciate the physical form of a man without wanting to sleep with them.”
I raise my eyebrows at him but don’t comment, downing another drink. The burn feels good but the best feeling though is the numbness that’s attacking my nose. The sweet oblivion of alcohol is going to catch up with me soon.
“Shut up, I can.” He leans in towards me, lowering his voice so only I can hear him. “I'm worried about you. If a guy like that cant get your dick interested there is something wrong. You would usually jump at the chance to fuck a guy like that, why aren’t you at home already pounding into him?”
I stare at Handy, like really look at him, and wonder how much I can tell him. Is it crossing the line if I let him see behind the mask that I've been hiding behind all my life? Will he look at me differently, think I'm less of a man, if he knew about my need to be dominated? I'm a soldier, I spend my life giving out orders and working with danger, but it all gets too much and I just want someone to take me out of my own head.
“Ralph, you can tell me.”
“I don’t want to fuck anyone.”
Handy’s forehead scrunches up and I know that he isn’t getting what I'm trying to tell him. I take a deep breath and tell him everything.
“I don’t want to top, it’s not my thing. I want someone to pin me to a bed and fuck me until I scream. No one looks at me like that though, well no one except Aiden.”
Now that gets his attention. “Wait. You fucked, sorry, got fucked by the guy who gave you a room?”
“Yeah.”
Handy motions to the barman and orders another round of tequila’s. This is why he's my best friend, he always seems to know what I need. “Okay, so now the sudden departure makes sense. I'm taking it that it happened the night before you left?”
I down a shot and hiss through the burn. “I ran as soon as I woke up and I haven’t spoken to him since.”
“Is this a problem? Is this why you’ve been in a shitty mood since you arrived?”
Wow, way to make me feel crappy. I didn’t realise that I had been so bad, I actually thought I had managed to completely hide the fact I was hurting. “Sorry, I didn’t realise I had been. But to answer your question, I miss him like hell and I don’t know why. I barely knew him a week, he's a complete stranger, but fuck me I cant stop thinking about him. He just got me, saw who I really was. I know that sounds really stupid.”
Handy slams his glass down on the bar and grabs the back of my neck, pulling me close enough that our noses are nearly touching. Anyone watching us would think we were having an intimate moment but that’s never bothered Handy in the past. He is the most tactile guy I've ever met and he's never worried that someone would think he was gay.
“Listen to me closely. You feel what you feel. Maybe you feel a connection with him because he is the other part of your soul, who knows. But you're not stupid for finally feeling something. Dick treated you like shit so it’s actually nice to hear you talking about someone who gave you something instead of always taking. Where I do think that maybe you are a little dumb is that you are running away. If this guy gets you, knows what your looking for without you needing to tell him, why aren’t you with him now instead of sitting here with me?”
My eyes widen as he practically growls at me. I know Handy wants the best for me but I expected him to tell me not to fall for anyone, that I need to go out and enjoy being single for a while. This is a shock and I'm a little lost for words so I try and joke it away. “The other half of my soul?” I laugh but it sounds fake even to my own ears.
“Do you think about him all the time?”
I nod my head.
“Did he make your toes curl?”
I nod again.
“Did he think of you when he didn’t need to?”
“He came to get me when I went to face William.”
“Dick.”
I laugh at Handy’s almost Tourette’s reaction to me using William’s actual name. He shall only be known as Dick now. “He got between us so I didn’t get into trouble.”
“Then why are you here?” His question comes out on a quiet voice, like he genuinely wants to know the answer.
“Because I'm scared to want him. What if he turns out to be another Wil … Dick? I barely know him, what if I'm missing something?”
Handy leans back, dropping his hand from my neck but still giving me an intense look. “I'm not telling you to go and marry the guy. Maybe start with coffee then progress to a meal. Remember dating?”
I smack Handy upside the head and he rubs his skin while laughing. He really is getting too much enjoyment out of this. “What if he won’t talk to me? I snuck out while he was still asleep, that’s a cowards escape.”
“Then you grovel. If it’s anything like dating a woman you tell them
how sorry you are and plead for their forgiveness.”
He makes it sound so easy but maybe he's on to something.
Chapter Twenty
Aiden
‘Can you cover for me at work tonight?’
The text throws me because Jer hasn’t mentioned anything about needing a night off. Usually, he tries to give me at least a few days notice, especially since I'm working my one-month's notice at my job. The company wasn’t exactly thrilled when I handed in my letter of resignation but there wasn’t much they could do. They tried to offer me more money and benefits but after talking things over with Jer, there’s nothing I want more than to be trained by him. Being taught by Jer is doing what I did before I invested into the business, just going in in the afternoon to learn new techniques. He's told me that’s the best way to learn, by watching everything he does.
I type my reply to Jer, telling him I'm fine to cover for him but I want to know why. He answers with a simple see you later and I growl in frustration. I hate it when he only tells me half a story. I’m a natural worrier and my mind automatically goes to something being wrong.
Checking the time I see I need to get a move on if I want to get to the Bistro in time for prep. I know I can leave that to the prep chefs but I don’t want them to feel like I'm better than them and don't have to help out. It might be different when I'm working full time but for now I enjoy learning all I can. I rush up the stairs two at a time and go into my room to grab my chef’s jacket. I choose the black one tonight because if Jer comes in to join us he will wear white, and I want people to know that he's the senior chef. Yes, I still have a feeling of stealing his thunder, but it's getting better. One day I might feel comfortable with it all.
* * * *
I look at the clock and see that it's just before nine. We have a large booking arriving soon, on top of our already full dining room, and it's going to hit us hard. Twelve people at one sitting is always hectic in the kitchen, and my biggest order at one time so far. I take a deep breath and Sebastian, the pastry chef, pats me on the back.
“You’ll be fine, chef.”
I nod in his direction but keep quiet. I know I can do this, I just need to focus and work through it methodically.
“Table for twelve has arrived chef. They are getting settled and I will take their order.”
My stomach drops as Tony, the head server, announces the table. I let out a calming breath while wiping my hands on my trousers. Right, I have this.
An hour later the final dish has gone out for the main courses of the large table, and all but one other table is served. I feel sweaty and a little like I'm going to collapse, but I achieved the stressful goal without losing my cool with anyone. It was close at a few points, nearly snapping at the other chefs when they weren’t calling out times accurately, but I kept it in and sorted out the fuck up. Now I feel like I can do this job without anyone here to bail me out. I've always been worried that I want this so badly but I'm not ready for it. Tonight proved I am.
“I need you at table sixteen, chef.”
My head flies around to look at Tony. I don’t leave the kitchen, especially to approach the tables. “Why?”
“There’s a problem with a meal and they are demanding to see the chef.”
My stomach drops and I swallow a few times to get rid of the feeling of wanting to vomit. This is part of the job, going out and dealing with problems if I'm needed, but that doesn’t make me feel any better. I look around like someone might bail me out but all I get are sympathetic eyes. Fantastic. I wipe my hands on my apron and remove it, not wanting to take any of the kitchen mess out front with me. “Lead the way, Tony.”
I crack my fingers as I leave the kitchen because I need to get rid of some of the nervous energy that’s rushing through my body. Whatever the problem is I will apologise and offer to comp the dish, maybe get them a drink. It will be quick and straightforward, and then I can disappear into the kitchen again to hide out for the rest of the shift.
When I walk around the bar, I stop dead. The table of four is filled with soldiers in uniform, and I have the sudden urge to run in the opposite direction. I try to focus on the men that are at the table, not the one who automatically filled my mind, but it’s a losing battle. I can barely go an hour without thinking about Ralph on the best of days, but faced with men that are wearing what he was wearing the first day we met then I'm lost.
“Mr White, this is our chef Aiden.”
I take a moment to take in Mr White before putting a huge smile on my face and approaching him. I hold my hand out to him and he takes it straight away. “Mr White, I'm the head chef here this evening. Is there a problem?”
He tilts his head while he looks at me, his eyes wandering over my entire body until I feel a little awkward. It's only then I notice he's still holding my hand and I want to rip it away but I do it as politely as I can. “I can see it now.”
Confusion hits me at his words and I feel like I'm missing something significant. “Excuse me?”
“I didn’t know what to expect but I can totally see it now. I know why he can't stop thinking about you.”
Yeah, completely lost, and it doesn’t help when I see Jer walking out of the office straight towards me. He has a shit-eating grin on his face, and it's equal parts worrying and surprising. “Jer?”
“If you didn’t guess, baby brother, you're off the rest of the night.” He pats me on the shoulder and walks past me towards the kitchen. “You can thank me later.”
I watch him until he disappears and only then do I turn back to Mr White, who is now standing in front of me. “I have no idea what is happening here.”
Mr White laughs and holds his hand out to me again. I take it without any real thought. “It's nice to meet you, Aiden. My name is Charles, but my friends call me Handy.”
Realisation hits me square in the chest stealing my breath. Holy shit, this is Ralph’s best friend. I don’t know what to do so I just continue to stand there gaping at him like a fool. "That there is Dan and the idiot on the other side is Benny. There was someone else here, but he wanted to surprise you."
“Aiden?”
I recognise the voice instantly and I close my eyes. I haven’t heard it in over a week but it still makes my heart jump in my chest. I shouldn’t want to rush into Ralph’s arms. I should want to turn and punch him square in his disappearing face. I don’t though, all I want to do is run and hide.
Hands on my shoulders make me gasp and before I know it I'm turning and facing Ralph. He's standing there with a single red rose in his hand. He looks fucking stunning in his black suit, standing out against the other three men who are wearing their camouflage trousers and white t-shirts. Truthfully though, he would stand out in a room full of men in matching suits. There's just something about Ralph that speaks to me on a deeper level.
“Hi.” His voice sounds unsure and I get a sense of satisfaction from it.
Lips at my ear make me jump but when Charles starts speaking, I can’t help but smile. “This is where you say hi. Then he is going to grovel and tell you how sorry he is for being an arsehole and vanishing. Then he's going to say sorry again and ask you to go out for coffee, which you will say yes to. After that, you are on your own, unless you both fuck it up again and I need to step in.”
I'm laughing by the time Charles has finished but my eyes haven’t left Ralph. He looks so embarrassed because of his friend but it’s his eyes that won't let me escape. They show me everything he's feeling. I can see the apology in them, but there is also heat, the heat I remember so well from the night we were together. I'm so lost that when I feel a shove on my shoulder, I wonder what’s wrong. It only takes me a moment to catch up and I follow the instructions that Charles gave me. “Hi.”
Ralph moves towards me and I'm pushed again, making me close the distance a little more. “I'm really sorry. I did a dickhead move running out on you, and it was all about me. I got scared. I've never let anyone see that side of me before and you �
�� you just saw me. I didn’t know how to deal with it so I ran, and as Handy will tell you, I've not been fun to live with since.”
“He's telling the truth.”
Ralph glares over my shoulder and I bite my lips so I don’t laugh. I think I could grow to like Charles, especially if he continues to help me with Ralph. “Anyway, I wanted to ask you if you would like to go out for coffee with me one day. No pressure,” He hands me the rose that’s he's been holding the whole time. “I really want to get to know you better because I like you, Aiden.”
The blush on Ralph’s cheeks is what seals his forgiveness with me. Seeing him look so vulnerable in front of his friends makes me think that he really means what he's saying. “Okay.”
His face lights up with one simple word and it makes me feel like I've given him a million pounds. I want to rush to him and kiss him, to fill my mouth with his taste again but I keep standing in place. He's right that we should get to know each other, nothing good ever happens quickly. There is another thought in the back of my head, and this one isn't as innocent.
I look him over, taking in his entire body in that sexy suit. It's not too dissimilar to the one I was wearing the night we were together and it makes lots of memories rush back. Ralph must see the lust building in my eyes because he gasps quietly and my eyes rush back up to his. Burning heat flows between us and I smirk. Yeah, the other thing that happens over time is sexual tension. I can spend our time together making him need me, making him want to bend over the instant I say. My dick is rock hard now but I don’t try to cover it. I'm facing Ralph so he's the only one that can see it, and I want him to see it, want him to know what he does to me.
“I will go for coffee on one condition.”
“Anything.”
I walk forward and grab him by the back of the neck, pulling him down the small distance until my mouth is at his ears. I use my teeth to nibble his earlobe, loving the gentle moan that comes from deep in his chest. “I will go for coffee with you, but you must promise to behave, boy.”
Help Our Heroes: A Military Charity Anthology Page 19
