“What a couple of kids I ended up with,” Dad chuckles. I watch him notice Harrison standing in the doorway with my mother. “Can’t say you haven’t thrown me a few surprises...”
“I wanted to say thank you, Mr. Lazio,” Harrison says, stepping slowly toward the bed, “For being an inspiration to every driver in my generation, for letting me into your home...for accepting me as part of Siena’s life.”
I have to avert my eyes to keep from letting the tears run once more. My dad will never get to really know Harrison as a man, or see me grow into my own as a member of Team Ferrelli.
“It’s not fair,” I murmur, squeezing my father’s hand.
“Could I have a moment with each of you?” my dad asks, “Stay here, Siena. Let me just talk to you.”
The others file quietly out of the room, leaving me alone with my dad. For a long while, we simply sit together in silence, taking each other in. He looks at me with a sense of wonder that I’ve never seen in his eyes before.
“You are a remarkable woman, Siena,” he finally says, “I don’t know what I must have done in some past life to deserve a daughter like you.”
“Are you trying to make me start bawling?” I laugh weakly.
“Just telling you my truth. Finally,” Dad says, “Now you tell me yours. What are you feeling, Siena? What are you thinking?”
“I’m just...there’s so much more to come, Dad,” I say, “I’m not even in my late twenties yet. So much is going to happen to me. And you won’t...I won’t...”
“I know,” he smiles sadly, “That’s the only thing I regret about leaving so soon. How much I’m going to miss of your life, and Enzo’s. Not being able to grow old with your mother. Well...older.”
If only I could tell him about my secret. I wish he could know that a grandchild, his first, is on the way. But I can’t send him off with that kind of regret. I don’t even know how he’d take the news if I told him. Better to let this one go unsaid, however much it hurts. I’m here to make him as comfortable as possible, not weigh him down with any more sadness.
“I don’t know how I’m going to fill your shoes on the team,” I tell him.
“After what you did at the Dallas Grand Prix? Being a shareholder will be a piece of cake,” he tells me. “You’ll be fine, Siena. And not just as a shareholder. You’re as bright as they come, you’re kind and full of integrity, you go after what you want. I’ve loved having you as a daughter. I only wish I could have spent more time with you.”
“I do too,” I admit, “But I hope you know, Dad...you’ve been such a wonderful father to me. I’m the lucky one.”
“Maybe we both got lucky, huh?” he says, blinking back tears. “Why don’t you send your brother in before I start blubbering.”
“OK,” I say, rising.
“And Siena?” Dad says, as I turn to go.
“Yeah Dad?”
“I love you, sweetheart. I'm so proud of you.”
“I love you too, Dad,” I manage to say. With one last look at him, framed by the flaming sunset over the Italian countryside, I slip back into the hallway.
Enzo moves past me into the room, and I find myself alone with Harrison in the quiet corridor. In an instant, our arms are around each other, and I can finally let the wave of sorrow that’s been threatening to break and spill over me.
“I’ve got you, baby,” Harrison whispers, planting a firm kiss on the top of my head, “I know it hurts like a bitch, but I’m here. You’re going to make it through this.”
“I’m so glad you’re with me,” I tell him, looking up into his searing blue eyes.
“I’ll be here as long as you want me,” Harrison says, cupping my chin in his hand, “You know that, don’t you? I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’ll hold you to that,” I tell him, and bring my lips to his. His kiss floods me with warmth, reminds me of all the good my life still has in store. Even in this darkest of moments, Harrison is my beacon. I know all at once what a blessed woman I am to have had so many wonderful men in my life: Harrison, my brother, and of course, the incomparable Alfonso Lazio.
CHAPTER FOUR
For three more days, it’s all we can do to mill about the house and wait. The four of us take turns sitting with my father as he becomes more and more quiet. He’s at least allowed us to make him comfortable, even if treatment was never on the table. I spend long hours just sitting at his bedside, looking out through the wide windows at fiery sunsets and beautiful sunrises. Part of me wishes I could tell him everything that’s weighing down my heart. But these last few days shouldn’t be about me. They should be about him.
I rise early on the third day of our visit, rolling out of the bed I’m sharing with Harrison. I pad down the hall at once to my parents’ room and peek inside. Mom is sitting beside the bed, her head resting on Dad’s chest. I can see by the shaking of her shoulders that she’s crying softly. Dad’s frail hand strokes her hair and her murmurs softly to her. This is easily the most affectionate I’ve ever seen my parents be with each other, and the sight of it cracks my heart wide open.
Hurrying away from their bedroom, I make my way downstairs to the kitchen. A cup of coffee might do to sober me up, some. I know I should be avoiding caffeine, what with the possibility of a baby on the way, but without a cup of morning joe on a day like this, I’m not sure what I’d do.
I move through the kitchen methodically, reaching for the stovetop espresso maker. I gasp as I reach for the little device and find that it’s already hot.
“Beat you to it,” says Enzo’s voice from behind me.
I turn to see him sitting in our breakfast nook, cup of steaming coffee in hand.
“Scared me,” I tell him.
“Sorry,” he says, “Couldn’t really sleep.”
“That makes two of us,” I sigh, cleaning out the machine and filling it anew. I set the water to boil and join my brother at the low mahogany table.
“It’s so morbid, isn’t it?” Enzo says, “All of us waiting around for...you know...”
“Sure,” I shrug, “But this is how it goes, I guess.”
“I wish there was some way to make it hurt less,” Enzo says softly.
I reach for his hand, find that it’s shaking. “I know,” I tell him, “But this was never going to be easy, Enzo. It isn’t for anyone.”
“I can’t help but replay every single minute I ever spent with him in my head,” my brother says, brow furrowed, “There are so many things I regret, now.”
“But you two had such a strong bond,” I say, “You had F1.”
“F1 was a distraction,” Enzo says mournfully, “It’s what we talked about so that we didn’t have to ever get to really know each other. Didn’t have to come to terms with the fact that he wasn’t around until I was already a teenager.”
“It wasn’t a perfect childhood,” I allow, “I’m sorry, Enzo. I never knew you felt this way about it.”
“Couldn’t really complain, could I?” Enzo laughs, “I mean, at least I got some kind of attention from him. But you know...I can’t tell anymore whether I started racing because I actually wanted to, or if I just wanted to do something to make him notice me.”
“That’s not what matters,” I tell him, “It’s what you feel now that counts.”
“I don’t know how I feel,” Enzo says softly, “Part of me wants to pack up and never race again. If he’s gone, what will it all be for?”
“That’s up to you,” I tell him, “But if you can, try not to make your decision for or to spite him. Only you can decide what you want your life to be.”
“I always thought I wanted to be Ferrelli’s lead driver,” Enzo sighs, “But now...it’s like I never considered anything else. Do you ever feel that way?”
I think about the recent tug of war my heart’s been playing. On the one side, there’s being a shareholder for Team Ferrelli and charging ahead with my career. On the other, there’s a new baby with Harrison and a beautiful home in London just wai
ting to be filled.
“Do I ever,” I tell him.
“How can you stand it?” Enzo asks.
“I’m still figuring that part out,” I tell him.
I hear the espresso maker bubbling from across the room and move to take it off the heat. As I switch off the stove, a wrenching sound catches my ear. Ragged, hollow sobs ring out from the upper story of our home. I whirl around and catch Enzo’s eye. In an instant, we both know full well what’s happened.
We tear off through the house, clambering up the stairs, sprinting down the hall to our parents’ bedroom. Enzo and I take in the scene as we burst through the doorway. Our mother’s pulled herself up onto the bed, her arms thrown over our father’s chest. Her whole body is heaving with the power of the grief. A small, sad smile plays across Dad’s lips, captured there. But his body is still. He’s gone.
Enzo and I fall into each other’s arms, each holding the other up as best we can. Harrison appears in the doorway and knows at once that my father’s passed away. He wraps his arms around me and my brother as we fall to weeping. Nobody speaks a word as Enzo goes to comfort my mother, and Harrison takes me in his arms.
The sun rises over the hills, as our first day without Alfonso Lazio begins.
* * *
The news of my father’s death moves through the family and the team like a shockwave. By then, we’ve all gathered around the estate—every one of Dad’s nearest and dearest friends. We’re all together to offer our comfort and condolences. As soon as they can, the team—or family—flocks to our home to grieve.
Gus, Charlie, Bex, and all the others are constant sources of comfort for us as we get Dad’s affairs in order. The days are filled with tedious, difficult decisions and arrangements, but our nights are consumed with retelling our happiest memories, drinking wine and being together as we all try and understand what the world will be like without him.
“I remember the first time I ever met Alfonso,” Gus tells us, as we gather around the fire. It’s the night of my father’s death, and we’re holding vigil in the only way we know how. “He wasn’t even a driver yet. Just a punk kid of twenty, drag racing with his friends. I was the one who told him he should try and be a real racer. He just looked at me and said, ‘Have you seen those prissy little jumpsuits those guys have to wear? No thanks, pal’.”
“He was already a rookie driver when we met,” Mom puts in, “So I knew from the very start what I was getting myself into with the F1 world. The first race of his I ever saw, I was with a couple of girlfriends. We were all standing right at the fence as he won. He hopped out of that emerald car and looked right at me. We hadn’t said two words to each other yet, but it’s like he knew I’d be waiting there. And from that moment on, that was it.”
Enzo and I sit together quietly as these warm remembrances are traded, trying not to think about how much better all these people know our father than we do. I don’t want to think about the problems our relationship always had. I want to think about the good memories. There are plenty of them, of course. My father was tough and controlling, but he was a good man. And whatever mistakes he made, I know he loved us to hell and back.
His funeral is small and private, as per his will. Enzo, Mom, Gus and I carry his ashes out onto the estate and let them go into the wind. My father was technically an American too, but Italy is where he always wanted to be laid to rest. I watch the breeze carry him off across our land, over the rolling hills and grassy groves. It isn’t until he’s disappeared that it finally sinks in: he’s not coming back this time.
As difficult as it is to say goodbye, the outpouring of support from the F1 fans and community is staggering and strangely heartening. Our front gates are covered with flowers and letters, and one thing becomes abundantly clear. The world loved Alfonso Lazio just as much as we did, if in a different way. And that is saying something. He was a hero to so many people the world over, even to Harrison. He was our father, but he really did belong to the entire F1 world. In that way, I suppose, his memory will always live on. There’s some solace in that, a little glimmer of light in this dark moment in time.
The night after we say our final goodbyes to Dad is quiet and solemn. Our teammates and friends have left, giving us space to mourn privately. My mother, Enzo, Harrison and I are alone in the house again. After days of harried arrangements, turbulent emotions, and swells of friends’ and fans’ support, the relative silence and stillness is peculiar.
We sit around the kitchen table, a bottle of Chianti at the ready. I hold my glass between my hands, dimly wondering whether people have come to a consensus about having a little drink while pregnant. It seems like ages ago that Bex and I sat huddled in that Dallas hotel room, staring down at those little blue plus signs. But in reality, it’s only been a week. In the midst of my father’s death, I’ve had no time to deal with my secret, no time to think on it at all. There hasn’t been a spare moment to breathe these past few days, much less come up with a game plan for my surprise pregnancy.
“The flowers the owners sent over were rather tasteful,” my mother says, breaking the wilting silence.
“Sure,” Enzo agrees sullenly, “Team Ferrelli’s way of saying, ‘We’re sorry for your loss, but get back to training, would you?’”
“You’re the lead driver, Enzo,” Mom says, “It’s your responsibility to stay focused. Your father wouldn’t want you lingering here for his sake.”
“We scattered his ashes this afternoon,” Enzo points out, “I wouldn’t call this lingering.”
“No, of course not. I think you should take the week to rest,” Mom says, “All of you should, if you like. This house is far too big for one person, after all. I wouldn’t mind the company a bit.”
I look to Harrison. “You should probably check in with McClain and see when they want you to get back to the track.”
“I’ve been in touch with them,” Harrison tells me, “I told them that I’m staying with you as long as you need me.”
I feel my mother’s gaze swing my way across the table, her sentiment as clear as day. Hold onto this one, she’s telling me.
I intend to, I transmit back, meeting her gaze.
“Well then, stay for at least one more night,” I say to Harrison, “I’m pretty wiped. I think I’ll head upstairs.”
“I’ll join you,” he says, taking my hand and pulling me gently up from my chair.
We say our goodnights and make our way through the all but silent house. Our steps echo foreignly as we plod through the foyer. I don’t think this house has ever been so quiet. It’s always been filled with the vibrant energy of my father, the running feet of rambunctious kids, the exuberant presence of F1 aficionados. Maybe there will be raucous laughter and abundant happiness in this place again—when new children are born, when Enzo steps into my father’s shoes as Ferrelli’s patriarch. But for now, it’s like our home itself is in mourning.
Without bothering to change my clothes, I crawl into the bed I’ve had since I was a child and roll onto my side. A numbness has shrouded me in sorrow’s wake, and I don’t know how to dispel it. Harrison sits on the edge of the bed beside me, pulling off my shoes and placing them on the floor.
“You’re pretty good at this caretaker thing,” I tell him.
“I’m good at taking care of you,” he allows, rubbing my back in long, lingering strokes. The touch of his hand sends a faint warmth radiating through me. It cuts through the unfeelingness like a razor blade.
“I don’t know how you do it,” I say, arching my back to meet his touch, “All you have to do is touch me, and I know that everything will be OK. Even now...”
“That’s because everything will be OK,” Harrison tells me, running a hand through my hair, “We’re together, Siena. Through all of this. As long as that’s the case, we’re golden.”
“Could you just hold me for a while?” I ask him softly.
Harrison kicks off his shoes and lowers himself onto the bed beside. We lay together on top of
the comforter, my back pressed against his chest. I curl up against him as his strong arms enclose me, keeping me safe from the rest of the world.
“I can’t keep terrible things from happening,” Harrison says, lightly kissing my neck, “But I can help you get through them. Just like you help me. We can take anything on between the two of us.”
My heart lifts at his words. I still haven’t said a thing about the positive pregnancy tests, the morning waves of nausea that won’t give me a moment’s peace. Is this the moment to tell him my secret? I part my lips to speak, but Harrison goes on.
“All I want is you, Siena,” he says, “This life...it’s better than anything I could have imagined. We’re young, we’re crazy about each other, we can do anything. Let’s just make this time about the two of us. We’ll travel as much as we want. We’ll party like there’s no tomorrow. We’ll take the F1 world by storm, between us. This is the perfect time, Siena. We’re free. We can do whatever we like. How exciting is that?”
I swallow down my confession and smile weakly. “It’s pretty exciting,” I say, “But, you know...anything could happen, Harrison. Maybe we’ll find that a more, uh, centered life is actually better?”
“I don’t know,” he smiles, “Centered sounds a bit square, doesn’t it?”
“I guess you’ve got a point,” I laugh, ignoring the tightening of my heart. How am I supposed to bring up the fact that there’s almost certainly a baby in our future? In my most private daydreams, I can’t help but wish for a simple life with Harrison and the little person we’re bringing into the world. Can we have our house and baby and keep our freewheeling youth as well?
My eyes close of their own accord, my exhausted body claiming sleep where it can. There will be plenty of time for this kind of thinking down the road. Right now, I just need to sink into Harrison’s embrace and finally get some shuteye.
CHAPTER FIVE
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