His scent fills my senses and leaves me feeling semi euphoric. The smell of cologne, linseed oil with a hint of turpentine, hmm, “Gabriel.”
“Hey babe, you were sleeping so soundly.” The smile is apparent in his tone. “I had a hard time not waking you.” He presses a soft kiss on my ear.
I roll into him and I’m captured by his stormy gray eyes. “I must’ve been tired.” The stubble from his beard brushes against my cheek, rough but inviting. I push myself up and meet his lips and kiss him hungrily, like I haven’t been kissed or loved in years. My tongue pushes past his to explore every inch of his mouth and lips. I pull back, biting my bottom lip and looking at him with anticipation.
“Wow, somebody missed me.” I’ve left him breathless and surprised.
“Of course I did.” I smile coyly. “Trust me, if I could control when I got to see you, I would be here all the time.”
“Ah, so you’re saying you like me?”
“Guilty.” My hands slink around his neck and I pull him in again for a kiss. I need more of him to touch me. Without my lips leaving his I turn completely around and tug the covers away that have settled between us. His arms wrap tighter around me as we kiss and our flesh comes into contact. Feeling his warmth against me is soothing; it comforts me and makes me feel safe. His growing hard-on against my leg gets me going, tells me that he wants me just as much as I want him. I reach down and rub along him and he lets out a breathy groan. “Oh, God I’ve really missed you.”
Gabriel presses harder against me and I run my teeth down his neck, kissing and nibbling the whole way down to his solid chest. “I want you; I need you in me now,” I demand.
He kisses along my neck, pulling the covers back. “Yes ma’am.”
Gabriel’s eyes widen and fill with horror when he looks at me. In that moment I’m feeling a strange uncertainty. I’ve never had anyone react to seeing me naked like this before and it’s a little unsettling. His mouth stays open after he sucks in a sharp breath. “What happened?”
The white bed sheets are soaked with blood, my blood. There are bleeding cuts covering my body. My breathing becomes erratic and I feel like I’m not getting any air at all. Gabriel is frozen in terror looking at me. I shake my head, completely confused.
“This is what I saved you from, my love.” The Specter’s voice rides on the foul stench filling the room. Helpless, I look to Gabriel, hoping he heard it too. Slowly he nods to confirm it wasn’t just me.
We both look around the room to find the Specter. We can’t see him, but we can smell and hear him. Gabriel instinctively pulls me closer and covers me with the blankets. “Leave,” Gabriel commands.
A rancid laugh travels in psychedelic waves through the air. Bile rises to the back of my throat as I cower in Gabriel’s arms, quaking with fear.
The Specter appears next to the bed. “Gabriel, really? I think we both know that you don’t make demands of me.”
Gabriel pulls me into him, then lifts me over him to put more distance between me and the Specter. The Specter laughs boisterously. He’s toying with us and shit’s about to get real. I want to yell out, but I have no voice. I’m terrified and feel weak. I cower behind Gabriel, holding onto him as tight as I can. He puts his hand on mine and whispers over his shoulder, “I have to get up, you stay here.”
My hands instinctively grip him tighter, fearing the distance he’s about to put between us. “No,” I squeak out.
“Babe, I need to get him away from you.” His eyes are haunting and sincere. “Please.”
I release him and immediately regret it. This just isn’t going to be okay. Gabriel gets out of the bed and starts for the Specter. He spins and dances while fantastic tendrils of smoke move around the room at his command. Were he not the living embodiment of evil it would be beautiful to watch. Gabriel heads straight for the Specter, attacking him, pushing him up against the wall.
Three black bands of smoke wrap around Gabriel, holding his arms down to his sides. Identical bands come up from the bed and strap me down, holding me in place. An incredible panic rises in me, consumes me and I can’t breathe. Involuntary screams pass over my lips. “Gabriel! Help me.”
He looks back at me, helpless. He’s struggling to get out of the grip of the Specter. They are struggling and I can’t see what’s happening. The room has become so dark with the black evil fog. I barely see Gabriel until he falls onto the bed next to me still struggling with the Specter.
Gabriel looks at me, trying to fortify me, to somehow comfort me in the hopelessness. The Specter’s voice oozes as he says, “Oh, now isn’t this touching?” He pauses, looking from me to Gabriel. “How about this!” His arm makes a thrusting motion and I see that he’s shoved a knife into Gabriel’s belly.
Gabriel’s eyes go wide and his body seizes to a stop. He tries to reach out to me but is still bound. I’m unable to move, only scream. “Gabriel, no.”
I struggle harder to get free and it all feels too familiar. The Specter looks at me with mock sympathy, then back to Gabriel. “This, Gabriel Stokes, is checkmate.” He thrusts the knife into Gabriel again.
Gabriel looks at me and mouths, “I’m sorry.”
I scream his name over and over again until I hear him speaking. “Wake up, please wake up. It will be okay.”
Screams of terror fill the room and I feel a hand on my shoulder. “Shay, wake up.”
My instincts tell me to fight against anyone touching me. I push back wildly until I realize that it’s Eli’s voice I’m hearing. “Shay, it’s okay. Shh.” He pulls my head into his chest to quiet me.
“Eli?” My voice is soft but questioning.
“Yeah, Sweetybird, I’m here. I’ve got you.” He rocks me for comfort.
“Oh God, Eli.” I wrap my arms around him. I can’t believe he’s actually here. He’s here, I’m here, I’m safe. When I hear those words in my head I’m immediately alarmed. My eyes spring open and I look around the room. Eli is on the bed holding me. McNab is standing next to the bed trying to mask his concern. Dad is at the end of the bed with watery eyes. My grip on Eli tightens.
Carl’s behind McNab. “You really are safe, it’s okay.”
My brain can’t process everything and all I can do is hold onto Eli so he can’t slip away. Hysterical tears spill from my eyes and my body is shaking uncontrollably.
“Shh, I’ve got you. You’re okay.” Eli speaks in a soft tone, holding me just as tight as I’m holding him.
Dad comes to the side of the bed behind Eli. “Hey Doodlebug, you’re okay. We’re all here.”
I peek around Eli’s shoulder, looking at everyone and waiting for them to disappear, the walls to crumble and the nightmare to return. I can’t tell the difference between what’s real and what’s an illusion.
I want this to be real.
The tears and shaking don’t stop for a good while. A nurse enters the room carrying a case. “I need to replace her I.V.”
My grasp on Eli tightens and I won’t let him move away from me. I shake my head so everyone knows I’m not letting go.
“Sweetheart, I need to put your I.V. back in. You need this medicine.” Her tone is calm, yet stern.
“I’m not leaving you,” Eli breathes into my ear. I shake my head again. It’s all I can do with the fear that has taken me over.
“Give her a minute,” Dad says to the nurse and moves to the other side of the bed and sits with me. “Shayleigh, the nurse is trying to help you. I’m going to be right here and Eli isn’t going anywhere.”
I look up at him with frightened eyes trying to find the truth in his words. His sad smile touches me on a deep level. “Please, I promise I’ll be right here. Please Shay, I don't want them to sedate you again.”
I tangle one hand in Eli’s shirt and offer the other arm to the nurse to put the I.V. in. I can’t stop shaking, but she’s being very patient with me. “Mr. Baynes, can you help me hold her arm still?”
Dad wraps his arm around me, looping down to hold
me still. In a tone like he’s talking to a five year old he says, “I’ve got you, honey, try to hold still.”
My eyes close in an effort to reconcile that I’m safe, that I’m not being cut again. That I’m with Eli, and I chant over and over in my mind, you’re safe.
She gets the I.V. in and tapes it up. There is sorrow in her gaze at seeing my cut and bruised skin. I can see her pondering what must have happened to me. With moist eyes she offers a consoling smile and puts her hand on my leg. “You’re going to be okay.” I nod and look away. Eye contact with her is hard. I bury myself back into Eli’s chest.
“Are you able to walk?” she asks.
I really don’t know if I can. I look to Eli as if he has the answer. I shrug. She smiles and says, “Well there’s only one way to find out.” She wheels the I.V. stand around to the side of the bed where Eli is. “Doctor Kendrick says that you should be okay to shower with assistance. I just have to know that you’re sure-footed enough.”
Her attitude is encouraging. I look at Eli as though asking permission. He shrugs. “Do you feel up to trying to walk?”
I nod and he stands, ready to brace me. My feet are sore and a pain shoots up my legs when they press against the floor. It’s not comfortable, but I can do it.
“That’s great,” the nurse says with a smile. She looks around the room until her eyes land on Eli, then me. “Alright, boys, I’ll be back in about five minutes to get her cleaned up and I’m going to need you clear out.”
My head shakes vehemently and I grab onto Eli. No way I’m letting him go. I don’t even know her name. It feels like I’m trying to climb inside Eli so he doesn’t leave me. I look her in the eye and shake my head.
“Sweetheart, we really need to get you cleaned up and tend to these wounds,” she says in a sympathetic tone.
All I can think is that I’d like a shower, but I can’t let Eli out of my sight. Shit. Panic is rising in me and my shaking is getting worse.
“Can I talk with you outside?” Dad says to the nurse, touching her elbow to lead her out. Carl follows them to the hallway.
My legs give out on me and I have to sit back on the bed. My fingers are still holding so tight onto Eli’s shirt that I think I’ve lost blood flow. His sapphire eyes are watery with grief at how broken I am. His pain, the pain he’s feeling because of me, is riding on the surface. I have to pull myself together. Eli needs me to pull it together.
“Take it easy, sweetie.” He kisses my forehead. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
A hint of a smile plays on my lips as a thank you. McNab sits on the other side of the bed, full of confidence. “Hey kid, we’re here for you. Whatever you need, name it and I’ll bring it.”
I nod and press tighter into Eli. McNab eyes Eli for a moment and mischief crosses his expression. “We can give you a sponge bath right now.”
Eli is appalled at the suggestion. I on the other hand find it hilarious and start to shake with quiet laughter. “What the hell is wrong with you, McNab? Look what you did!”
“Yeah, you’re going to be just fine, kid. Let me know on that sponge bath,” He says, smiling and very pleased with himself.
Eli must have thought I was crying, until he looks down and sees that I’m laughing. My laughter is short-lived, but I manage to keep the smile going, as hard as it is. They need me to pull it together. Eli glares at McNab. “Nobody’s giving her a sponge bath.”
I look up at him, questioning. He’s getting flustered. “Well, I will. But no way he’s going to do it.”
I huff another laugh out and shake my head while nuzzling deeper into his chest. Eli protectively puts his arms around me and he and McNab exchange another look. This feels a little bit normal, far away from the nightmare.
Dad comes back into the room with Carl, but the nurse isn’t with him. He’s a little taken aback when he looks at me. “Are you okay, Doodlebug?”
I nod and try to smile. McNab sits back in the chair next to the bed. “She lightened up when I told her I’d give her a sponge bath.”
Carl and Dad both look at McNab like he’s lost his mind. “What?” Dad asks.
“True story.” McNab folds his hands behind his head and kicks back in the chair. I’m finding this exchange amusing.
Dad inhales a breath, unsure how to proceed. He glances in McNab’s direction a few times as if to be sure he heard him right. Eli’s irritated and Carl’s confused. After surveying the room, Dad starts. “Sweetheart, I need to ask you a few questions.”
There’s no way I’m ready to talk about any of what happened. I’m doing my best to not think about it. I cower deeper into Eli. Dad puts his hand on my arm and I jump a little. He has a great pain in his eyes when he continues. “Would you feel more comfortable if it were just us?”
I shake my head, since I know what he’s about to ask. I’d rather he just get to it. He nods, pulling his lips into a thin line. “Before you’re able to get cleaned up, is there anything we need to know?”
He’s about as subtle as a nuclear bomb. I shake my head, telling him no. He doesn’t seem satisfied with my answer and continues. “Were you…do we need to…” He just can’t bring himself to ask if I was raped. I wasn’t, there’s no need for a rape kit.
“No Harry, she’s okay,” Carl answers. We all breathe a collective sigh of relief that we don’t need to continue to discuss it and I don’t need an examination.
“Okay, the nurse is going to come in and clean you up. McNab, Carl, I’m sure she’ll appreciate it if we wait in the hall.” He eyes Eli and I shake my head, letting him know I’m not letting go. I wish they would just let me shower rather than having some stranger touching me. Those words echo in my head that someone’s going to be touching me and it sets off sheer panic. Eli looks down at me when my body goes rigid.
The nurse comes into the room with a basin, towels and a fresh gown. “Okay, are we ready?”
“Actually, would she be able to take a shower?” Carl asks.
She looks at me a moment. “If you’re feeling up to it I don’t see why not. We have a shower chair in there. I’ll need to stay here to be sure you are okay.”
I nod with thankful eyes then look up to Eli, hoping he knows what I need. “Do you want me to help you get in there?”
At some point I know I’m going to have to speak, but I just don’t have any words yet. I nod again and he helps me up and into the bathroom. He turns on the shower and helps me out of the hospital gown I’m wearing, averting his eyes. He’s always a gentleman. I don’t have any panties on, I’m sure they went into the evidence bag with the rest of my clothes.
Eli helps me step into the shower and sits me down on the chair. The water pours over me and stings as it flows over the all of the cuts. Looking away from me, he hands me the soap and wash cloth. I take them but can’t will myself to move. I drop the soap on the floor and just look at it as though it’s a thousand miles away. Eli turns when he hears it fall and picks it up. He tries to hand it to me. I don’t take it. I just look at him, pleading.
“Do you need me to help you?” he asks quietly. I nod in response. His kind hands pour over me, taking care. He’s cautious, always watching me for a reaction to be sure he’s not doing anything to upset me. I can’t move. I’m sitting silent letting him clean me, hoping and praying he can wash away so much more than the dirt and grime.
My body relaxes into the comfort of not being tied up, of starting to feel clean again. I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve showered, but it's been way too long. Even though they apparently cleaned me up when I came in, I'm still covered in grime. I start to believe I’m home, really home, but there’s a nagging worry that I’m going to wake up and find that this is just a dream.
The reality of everything that has happened comes crashing down on me all at once. My eyes fill with tears and they spill over heavy with fear and uncertainty. Eli looks down to see me crying and tenderly washes away my tears. I feel the very last of my i
nnocence wash down the drain with the grit and blood that covered my body.
Without regard to getting soaking wet himself he comes closer and holds my face in his hands. His beautiful blue eyes are red and bloodshot, filled with his own tears that he’s been crying for me. I can see so many words of comfort running through his mind that don’t make it to his lips. Eli looks at me with an incredible sadness. He needs to pull the pain from within me and wants to try but doesn’t know how. The sobs pound harder on my chest as I watch his anguish for me. Watching everything slip away from me that made me feel safe saps the last of my strength.
My arms won’t obey my commands to finish cleaning myself. Eli can see it and he carefully washes my legs one by one. Going slow and watching me for an indication that I need him to stop. He washes my hair and back gingerly, working the soap into a lather and then rinsing it away.
As he moves the soapy cloth down my arms I know he’s soaking in the pain I felt from each line cut down my skin. He shakes his head in disbelief and looks into my eyes with a tight smile. “You’re so beautiful.”
I look away to avoid the lie. He puts his finger under my chin to meet his gaze. “You are beautiful. I love you.”
My admiration and love for him swells in that moment that he could love me even though I’m nothing but broken.
Chapter Ten
Broken Girl, Broken Silence
Harry
Of everything I’ve been through and seen in my life as a cop and a father, this is one of the hardest. Seeing Shayleigh so weak and scared has left a mark on me that I may never be able to reconcile. Playing the role of the strong father isn’t easy right now when all I want to do is break down. I can’t, I have to be here for her to fortify her.
She’s got a long road of recovery ahead of her and we are fooling ourselves if we really think this is something she can ever come back from completely. Thank God she has Eli is the only thought that rolls through my mind as I watch him walk with her to the bathroom.
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