Aiden.
He looked so different in my nightmare last night. He looked rough, really rough, like some crazed mercenary. And all those tattoos. Sure he had a couple before, but not those intricate patterns on his arms. He looked bigger too. It's amazing how our mind either tries to protect us or destroy us in our subconscious dream state. No way that was him. He's gone.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Eli’s voice breaks the silence and he rests a tender hand on my thigh.
“A penny would be too much,” I answer, smiling at the memory of our routine that we do.
“Seriously, what’s on your mind?”
“How the world looks so different,” I answer somewhat honestly. If I’m going to give this a real shot with Eli, talk of Aiden has to be off the table for now. I don't envy Eli and how he's going to have to reconcile all of this. Regardless of anything else, they were close, closer than he's ever been to Jerry.
“I know I’ll never look at things the same. The world where I thought I had lost you was a dark place.” He blows out a breath. “I’ll never lose faith in you again, Shay.”
Eli’s words resonate in me, triggering a pang of discomfort. I didn’t realize he had lost faith in me, it never crossed my mind that he might. There is some consolation knowing that he learned his lesson and won’t ever again.
This is what it’s going to be like for a while. All of this uncertainty, everyone tip toeing on eggshells. Still the thought of him having lost faith in me is sitting in my stomach like a fifty-cent taco. After a long silence I ask over the hum of the engine, “You lost faith in me?”
He rubs his chin and steals a glance in my direction. “I didn’t lose faith in you, I lost faith in myself being able to save you.” He refocuses on the road and the corners of his eyes fill with moisture. “All I wanted to do is come to you, save you and show you how much I love you. But I couldn't even do that.” He breathes out a sarcastic laugh. “As it would happen you were simply the princess who saved herself. You didn't need me.”
I tangle my fingers with his and squeeze. I can’t think of what to say, because more than anything having Eli come and take me away from that place is what I prayed for over and over.
Eli inhales a deep breath, considering his words. “But it seems like I’ve been trying to do that my whole life. I wonder if I can ever really save you, show you.”
His words ground me deeper in silence. Profound sadness mixes with anger. I’m not sure what his underlying implications are. Is he saying I’m not salvageable? Is he saying I’m incapable of recognizing his love for me?
Every word I say has to be carefully considered. My anger needs to be under control so as not to be too rash. Speaking is one of those things I’m going to work at, or rather not speaking. It won’t be easy, but I can't regret my words as they spill out of my mouth. Safe it is. “Eli, I love you. I know you love me.”
I go back to staring out the window in silence. It’s safer. The landscape draws my attention and helps to quiet my mind. When I finally achieve a focus I hear Eli’s voice in my head. “I’ll never give up on her; as long as I live I’ll never ever let her go.”
A half smile forms on my lips and I look at him intent on the road. He takes his hand back to downshift as we get off the highway and stop at the red light. He looks over at me with watery eyes and smiles. “I will love you forever.”
“I can’t imagine the world where I don’t love you.” I bore into him with the honesty of my words. Regardless of everything else, I’ve never known a day that I didn’t love Eli Walker.
He leans across the center console, putting both hands on my face, connecting our lips in a sweet tentative kiss. My hands caress his face and I feel the stubble of a few days of not shaving. It feels good under my fingers; the warmth of his skin ignites something in me. My mouth opens, inviting him in.
His kisses are careful and gentle, but they still set me on fire. I begin to writhe in my seat and push harder into his mouth. I grab his tie and pull him in closer.
We’re interrupted by the car behind us blowing its horn, letting us know the light has turned green. Eli’s face blooms red with embarrassment while he puts the car in first gear and speeds through the intersection. I can’t help but laugh out loud. “Oops.” I wipe his moisture from my lips and can’t help but stare at him. “Sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?” he asks, shifting the car into third gear.
“The whole horn thing and all,” I answer.
“Fuck em,” Eli says, shrugging. “I’ll piss off an entire fleet of cars for you to kiss me like that again.”
“Well, okay then. But you do know that was Carl behind us, right?”
He turns his head fully in my direction to make his point. “Fuck him.”
“Alrighty then.”
Eli slows the car as we approach the front entrance to his neighborhood. Of course there is still a throng of reporters. I shrink down into my seat trying to hide. I don’t care how dark the windows are tinted, I don’t want anyone to see me.
“Sorry,” Eli says as if he's to blame.
“It’s not your fault, just try to get through them without hurting anyone,” I huff. “Or not. When are they going to leave me alone?”
“When they have some other carcass to circle,” he says exasperated.
***
Walking into the kitchen at Eli’s house feels like home. There’s a comfort and warmth here that makes me feel as though everything will be okay. Rex doesn’t come to greet me immediately. Eli walks in behind me.
“Where’s Rex?”
“Weird, I would have thought he would be bowling you over by now,” Eli says, looking around the house. He checks the back yard, and then the bedrooms. I hear his voice coming down the hallway. “Come on buddy.” He and Rex enter the great room walking slowly. “He’s being a lazy dog.”
“Hey buddy, I missed you.” I get down on one knee to scratch his ears. He shies away from me and won’t let me touch him. Rex cowers behind Eli. “That’s odd; he’s never done that before.”
“What’s the matter?” Eli bends down, scratching under his chin, studying him.
“I don’t think he likes me very much.” The Specter’s voice rings in my head.
“Shit,” I say out loud.
Carl walks in the front door and stops short. Horror contorts his expression at what he’s seeing.
“What’s wrong?” Eli asks standing up from Rex, who bolts out of the room as soon as he’s set free.
“Can you not see it?” Carl asks, which prompts me to look around so I can see it too.
“Oh Jesus.” Eli takes three steps back from me with wide, terrified eyes.
“What?” Everyone’s eyes are on me.
Carl puts his hands in front of him in what is meant to be a calming motion. “Don’t panic, I’m going to need you to focus.” When he reaches me, he puts his hands on my shoulders. “The Specter is here and he’s surrounding you. Let’s see if you’re ready to handle this.”
Panic fills me and I suck in a sharp breath. “Oh God.” I try to quiet my thoughts like Carl has been teaching me.
“You can do this and I’m right here.” Carl’s tone is patronizing, but I don’t mind one bit.
Eli’s horror-stricken looking at me, paralyzed with fear. Now more than ever I know I have to show him that I’m strong. I nod my head. “I can do this.”
I inhale and find my center. “Specter, you can’t have me. You can’t invade me and you will never be part of me.” I chant until I believe the words.
Carl’s expression is all I need to see in order to know that I’m winning this battle. He nods at me, pleased with my progression.
“You will be mine. You’re ripe and ready for me.” The Specter swirls around in an ethereal smoke that would be beautiful were it not laced with death.
“Jesus Christ.” I hear Dad’s voice.
“Shhh, she’s got this,” Carl snaps at Dad.
“No, I may be ripe, but neve
r for you. You will never have me.” My hands move in a circular motion and I envision blowing him away in a gale force wind.
“What the fuck is that?” Eli’s eyes are wide with terror.
“Yes, Shay, what is that?” Miranda’s voice comes from behind dad as she moves toward me.
“That is the Specter.” I’m feeling very vindicated for everyone in the room who didn’t believe me.
“Miranda.” Carl says her name like it’s poison. I’m really getting the vibe between these two. I can’t hear Carl’s internal voice at all.
“Carl.” She looks at him with her lips pursed as she tries to walk past him to me. Carl stands between us.
“The Specter, huh?” She looks at Dad, who looks a little lost. “So you don’t believe in any of this paranormal stuff, Harry?”
Dad is aghast. “I’m not sure what to make of it.” Carl lets him by to see me. Dad studies me then the dark swirling smoke of the Specter that’s dissipating rapidly until all that’s left is the smell of burning matches.
Carl pulls his phone from his pocket. “Pitch, I’m going to need you and Quag to come back to Eli’s. We have Specter activity.” He hangs up without giving Pitch a chance to speak.
Everyone is staring at me as though I may have some sort of explanation. The intensity of everyone’s fear is daunting. Eli breaks the silence when he comes to me and puts his hands on my shoulders. “Are you okay?”
“I’m okay, shaken, but okay.” I welcome his touch and fold myself into his arms.
“Shay, I think this would be a good time to talk about what just happened and how it’s related to recent events.” Miranda tries to ply me with a sweet motherly voice, but I’m not buying it.
“I think she probably should lie down,” Eli says, ushering me toward the bedroom.
“Eli, I would like some time to talk with Shayleigh.” Dad’s giving Eli the command voice; we all know it’s a demand, not a request.
“Darlin’, what would you like to do?” Carl asks, full of concern.
“I think I’d like to talk about it.” I inhale a breath to finish my statement.
Carl’s voice enters my mind, sounding distant but audible. “You cannot talk to Miranda. Not yet. We have to talk to McNab first.”
Miranda turns serious as she sits on the couch and takes a notebook out of her bag.
“Let’s do it after I’ve gotten some rest.” I take Eli’s hand and turn toward the hallway.
“No Shayleigh, we need to talk about this now.” Dad sits on the couch, letting me know he’s not giving up.
“Harry, if she wants to rest, we should let her rest,” Eli argues.
“Eli, I have no idea what the hell that was, where it came from or where it went. If Shayleigh can tell me what I just saw I know I’ll feel a hell of a lot better.”
“No, Dad, you won’t feel better.” My tone is coarse and he’s taken aback. “I’ve been living with this for awhile now, in my dreams, in my waking world.” I clench my fist and squeeze Eli’s hand. “I don’t want to talk about it now, I want to figure out how to defeat it, and I’m sure you aren’t going to be any help on that tip.”
“Shayleigh, all I want to do is help you,” Dad pleads, clearly offended by my words.
“Really, Dad? Then maybe you should start believing in me. And if you could stop talking about me like I’m not in the room, I’d appreciate it.”
“Honey, your Dad believes in you. We just want to help you.” Miranda puts her hand on my dad’s knee. The sight of her touching him makes me a little sick.
Ignoring Miranda, I address Carl directly. “I’m going to lie down for a little while and then I want to get back to training. You game?”
“I’ll be ready when you are, darlin’.” He smiles with a hint of pride at how I stood up to everyone.
Dad and Miranda both stand to protest. I’m not listening to anything they have to say. I’m perfectly happy to hide in Eli’s bedroom until I can figure this out. It may be the closest to safe I’ll get, whatever safe is.
Eli closes the door to the bedroom and stops to stare at me. He sees me with different eyes. His penetrating gaze makes me feel uncomfortable; the cuts on my arms immediately begin to burn and itch as though him looking at me has incited them.
“What?” My gaze falls to the floor.
“You amaze me is all.” There’s a smile in his voice.
“Oh, yeah, the amazing Shay.” I roll my eyes at the suggestion of my greatness.
He takes the few steps toward me slow, careful, and takes my hands. “You do amaze me. You stood up to them, you aren’t flipping out even though you’d certainly have good reason and you are incredibly beautiful. Of course I’m amazed.” He touches his forehead to mine.
“Yeah, well, all I feel right now is tired and broken.” My voice is raspy with exhaustion.
“Yes, but I’m watching you, and the more ‘broken’ you are, the stronger you become. You’ve got this weird thing with Carl that’s apparently helping and you haven’t completely lost your shit even though no one would blame you.” He runs one finger down the length of my arm.
“Thanks.” I press a tight smile.
“No, thank you.” He says, “Now we have to figure out how we’re going to keep the vultures at bay.” His eyes motion toward the living room.
“God, what’s the deal with Miranda? I know that Carl doesn’t like her, I’m getting the sense that you don’t like her either, but Dad…Dad seems okay with her,” I ask, really not understanding why she’s even here. “And that ‘honey’ bullshit? It doesn’t take a clairvoyant to see she’d flay me alive for lunch if she were hungry.”
“Things are running a lot deeper and a lot more mysterious with your dad right now. I had no idea he was part of some organization that he won’t talk about.” He sits on the bed, turning me toward him, not letting go of my hands. “He’s into something very dark, and I’m worried.”
“Eli, since all of this started, and I mean way back when all of this began with Elise, Dad hasn’t been…” I have to think for a moment. Of course when you lose a child you change, but this is different. This is more than just the grief of losing a child, “He hasn’t been himself at all. I’ve known about him doing contract work on and off since we were kids. Before he made commissioner he did it to make extra cash. Then when he retired he fell in with it pretty much full time. He retired because Mom was sick, but then he wasn’t there at all because he was always off on one consultancy after the next. Leaving me with Mom, who’d already given up.” I hang my head at the reality of all that. I’d never said it out loud before, that Mom gave up, but it was true. I sit on the bed beside Eli and huff out a breath.
“I know she did.” Eli says the words low and quiet as though he were ashamed. “I should have been there for you.”
I look up at Eli. “You were, in your own way.”
“No, I wasn’t. I let you down. I should have helped you with her. I should have gotten you through it.” The regret runs deep in his tone.
“Eli, try to remember, I’m not as fragile as everyone’s making me out to be.” I realize how ridiculous that sounds considering he’s presently protecting me from my own father at the moment. I shrug. “At any rate I’m really not feeling very tired, but I think I would like to meditate and practice what Carl has been teaching me.”
“Shay, all of this worries me. I mean, what is the Specter?” he asks with such a confused expression.
“I don’t really know. I do know that Carl is teaching me to fight him. I know that I’ve been marked by the Specter and he will haunt me until I can figure out a way to get rid of him.” I pause, afraid to say the next words out loud. “But I don’t know if it can be done. How do you get rid of the air? It feels like the Specter is just like the air, seeping in through any nook or cranny.”
Eli wraps his arms around me for comfort. “I don’t understand any of it, but I understand your determination. You’ll figure it out and I’ll be right by your side
when you do.”
“Oh, so you’re going to protect me from the Specter?” My hands caress the back of his neck.
“Oh hell no, I’m going to stay close to you so you can protect me, that thing is creepy as hell and scares the living shit out of me.” He lays me back on the bed and turns, leaning up on his elbow, and says with a big grin, “Will you protect me from the Specter?”
“Asshole.” I smack him with a pillow, laughing. “Don’t mock me.”
“Ouch.” He shields himself from the next pillow onslaught. “I’m serious.”
“Whatevs.” I giggle and land my head on his chest, which is incredibly inviting and even more comfortable. “Maybe the meditation can wait.” I snuggle in.
He pulls me in closer, smelling my hair. “Get some rest, I’ll be right here.”
I slip into the comfort of being this close to Eli. Something inside me knows that even though everything is a glorious mess, it’s going to be okay.
Chapter Twenty
Division of Trust
Harry
Shayleigh and Eli close the bedroom door, completely dismissing us. She’s got to understand this is something we have to talk about. What I saw here today was a complete game changer. I don’t know if this was some sort of illusion or what the hell it was, but I certainly know it’s way out of my league, so it has to be out of hers.
Miranda glares at Carl, who’s on the phone, probably trying to reach McNab. I’d like to speak to him myself. I’m not sure exactly what happened, but he disappeared pretty perfunctorily. She turns to me. “Harry, we can’t help her if she doesn’t talk with us.”
“I understand that, but why don’t we let her get settled in. I’m sure I have as many questions as you do, probably more,” I answer, trying to avoid speaking directly about what I just saw.
“I don’t want to alarm you, but the organization is getting impatient with the lack of progress. We don’t have any answers, but we have several dead bodies and the number is growing.” She tilts her head to the side as a show of sympathy. “I’m not sure how much longer I can hold them off.”
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