She reaches down to guide me inside her. “Whoa, hold on.” I reach over to the bedside table and get a condom out of the drawer and hold it up.
A wry smile blooms and reaches her eyes. “Good thinking.”
“That’s me, Mr. Sensible.”
She takes the condom and by God she’s hot as hell unrolling it onto my dick. In one smooth action she lands herself over me, hovering above me. The anticipation of being inside her may fucking kill me. My hips involuntarily rise up to meet her. When I feel her softness against me I want to push inside her, but I hesitate. She looks me hard in the eye while she slides herself down. My eyes roll back in my head and a growl escapes me, expressing the profound pleasure I’m feeling at this moment. There’s never been a better feeling than being inside her. She writhes and grinds over me. Her breathing and moaning cheers me on and brings me to the brink. She throws her head back, letting out a low guttural gasp, moving with greater urgency with each thrust. I can feel her pushing herself down as hard as she can to feel the entire length of me inside her.
Her movements become more erratic and her breathing is loud and uncontrolled. I’m on the edge and about to reach the zenith of what feels like the beginning and end of life itself when she digs her fingers into my chest. Still moving on me she mouths, “I love you Eli.”
She quivers and shakes and I sit up to meet her in every way, holding her body close to mine as we both feel the explosion of our love culminate in that moment.
We sit holding each other as close as any two people can ever be. Lovers in the most raw and simple form. Her beautiful curves blessing me with the warm sweet sweat of our lovemaking, we quiver in unison and achieve the ultimate bond with one another.
“I love you too.” I whisper hot in her ear, “Forever.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
Who's on their Knees Now?
Shay
The room is the most beautiful shade of blue, hued with the early morning light. Eli’s arms are wrapped loosely around me as he sleeps soundly, holding me all night. I needed that, a little bit of normalcy, a little bit of letting go. I hate to say it because it makes me feel weak, but I really missed him, his body and the way he loves me. I really didn’t think he could hold on as long as he did, but he was the little engine that could. A lewd smile rises to my lips.
I’m so hungry after going nearly all night long. My stomach growls in protest of me staying in the bed. I afford Eli a quick glance and unfurl myself from him carefully so as not to wake him.
His robe is big on me, but comfortable nonetheless. I head for the kitchen with my lids still heavy with sleep, but sadly my stomach has won this battle of the wills. I’m rubbing my eyes walking through the great room to the kitchen.
“Hey kid.” McNab’s voice startles me and I stop. Once the familiarity of him sinks in I’m at ease, but I still pull the robe tighter around me since it was just hanging open previously. When I reach the kitchen I give a final tug on the knot in the belt. For some reason, maybe having something to do with our last interaction not going so well, I can’t quite look him in the eye.
“Hey.” I open the refrigerator. “When did you get back?”
“A few hours ago.” His answer is curt.
“Did you have a good flight?” I ask, rummaging around in the pantry.
“It was long.” He inhales a ponderous breath. “Were you looking for one of these?” He steps out of the way to reveal a blueberry muffin dripping with butter on the breakfast bar.
My eyes light up like I’m seeing Eli naked. “Yes,” I say enthusiastically and grab a fork from the drawer. I walk around to the other side of the breakfast bar and sit down to dig in. “Thank you.” Wow, it’s warm.
“Yeah, so how have things been here?” he asks in a tone that if I wasn’t so enthralled with this muffin might disturb me.
“Good.” I’m not sure why I make a false proclamation of the status quo, because aside from last night, everything is anything but good. As a matter of fact it’s all a pretty big pile of what-the-fuck. “Well, you know.” My backpedaling is feeble at best and all I can think to do is point to the muffin with my fork and say, “This is so good, thank you,” with a mouthful of muffin. I’m an idiot.
He raises his eyebrows and looks me in the eye for the first time. “You’re welcome, and I’m glad things are going well for you.” He turns away to get a bottle of water that he doesn’t open from the fridge.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Exactly what I said, I’m glad things are going well between you and Eli.” He looks down at the unopened bottle and huffs out a labored laugh. “Carl asked me to call him when things ‘calmed down.’ So I’ll assume things are going very well.”
The muffin has lost it's charm and taken my appetite with it. I rest the fork on the plate and swallow hard. “Are you judging me?”
“It’s not really mine to judge. You’re a grown woman.” He’s silent for a solid ten seconds, but I can tell he’s not done with his statement. “But have you given any thought at all to Aiden?”
“What the actual fuck, McNab?” The fact that he’s found an interest in Aiden’s place in my life is not only inappropriate, it’s unsettling.
He shrugs and raises his brow expectantly. “Have you?”
“Listen to me. I love Eli. I have loved him for so long I don’t remember a time not loving him.” I stand on the rung of the stool to lean across the breakfast bar. “He has always been there for me, no matter what. No matter how many times I’ve fucked his heart over, no matter how unkind I’ve been to him in my indecision, he’s always waited. He’s never been cruel to me; he’s never abandoned me, leaving me wondering what the hell is wrong with me. He’s always been there.”
“So you were with him last night because he was there?” He squints at me and gets uncomfortably close to my face. “Because that’s no reason to forget that you have a friend, someone you’ve professed to love, missing and possibly dead.”
“Fuck you, McNab. You have no right or basis to judge me on this.” I sit back in the stool to put some distance between us. My anger is getting the better of me and my blood is boiling. Who the hell is he to judge me? “You have no idea what you’re talking about. I mean seriously, you’re emotionally retarded. Have you ever even been in love?”
McNab slowly lowers his eyes to the counter and takes in a breath. “I have, Shay, and to this day I’ve never sullied the memory of my love for her with lust or sexual missteps because I can’t control my urges.” He looks up at me with a severity that cuts through me. “I conduct myself as though she were here with me, as though I were looking her in the eye right now, because I know I’ll always be honest with her, even when I may not be honest with myself.” He braces himself on the counter and looks down again. “Ask yourself the question, Shay, what would you have done differently last night if Aiden were here?”
The rage boiling in me feels like it could ignite the walls and crumble this whole fucking house to the ground. I look at him hard. “I love Eli; I want to be with Eli. He is my everything and it feels good and pure and right to be with him. We have a future together if he’ll have me. Aiden could never love me like Eli does. I’ve come to terms that all Aiden considers me as is his Florida franchise. He has to take pleasure in how he fucks with my heart like it’s a yo-yo. I’m done with that. He’s only an infatuation, and I’m finally over and done with it.” I have to look away from McNab to hide the pain of that truth. “And my love for Eli?” I pause for a long moment. “My love for Eli is solid and true.”
He slams his palm on the counter; I’ve never seen McNab losing it like this. “You didn’t answer my question. What would you have done if Aiden were here?”
“Aiden isn’t here, and he isn’t good for me. I want to be with Eli, so your question is invalid,” I challenge.
“What would you have done? Because if you aren’t going to be honest with me, at least be honest with yourself.”
“
What do you want me to say?” I raise my shoulders and wave my hands in a wild gesture. “I’ve told you how I feel. Do you want me to say that if he were here I would have been fucking Aiden all night? It won’t make it true, it’s not true, but if that’s what you need to hear then fine. If he were alive and here I would have fucked Aiden all. Night. Long. Last night.” I lean closer to McNab, each word punctuated with fire.
McNab’s eyes round out in horror; he’s looking past me and my first thought is that the Specter has manifested himself behind me. I turn to look and find it’s much worse.
Eli stands in the doorway to the living room with his arms hanging at his sides, despondent. His expression is morphing from extreme hurt to anger in no time flat. Surely he walked in at the wrong moment of that conversation. Why not, this is my glorious clusterfuck of a life.
Eli turns back into the bedroom without looking me in the eye. Just fuck.
I spin on McNab. “Are you fucking happy? Is that what you wanted? You wanted him to hear me say something that wasn’t true? You wanted him to be hurt?” I shake my head in disgust and don’t give him a chance to answer. I walk toward the bedroom in hopes of smoothing things over.
Eli walks through the living room with his keys in hand, pulling a t-shirt on over his head and wearing jeans and flip flops. He won’t acknowledge my pleas for him to stop.
“Eli, you came in at the wrong point of that conversation. It’s not what you’re thinking, please let me explain.” Desperately I grab onto his arm, begging him to stop and listen.
With more force than I expect he shakes me off his arm. “Get off me.” He rests his hand on the knob. “If you want Aiden so bad, why don’t you go and find him. Not that you ever could before any other time he left you.” He pushes the door open and slams it behind him.
I turn and look at McNab. “I could almost appreciate your fucking manipulation if what he heard was true, but it isn’t and you know it. Why did you do this? Is this what you wanted?” I'm having a lot of trouble holding back the tears threatening to crash down. But I would rather die than have him perceive me as weak right now. I guess maybe I just wasn't broken enough for him.
He lifts his eyes to meet mine and with sadness and regret he whispers, “No, I just wanted to know that you gave a shit after someone gave their life for yours.” He turns and walks away from me, leaving me in the kitchen.
I have to do something to get Eli to understand that I love him and I don’t want Aiden. I run out the front door barefoot and put myself behind his car that’s pulling out of the garage, hoping to God that he sees me before he runs me down, although at this point it may be preferable than continuing in this shit storm of a life. “Eli,” I belt out as it’s clear I’m about to be branded with a Mercedes emblem.
Eli rolls the window down. “Get out of the way Shay.”
“No, I would rather have you run me down and put me out of my misery rather than have you leave like this.” Unwanted tears form in my eyes with each word.
“Shay, get out of the way.” His tone is low and serious.
With my eyes closed I shake my head. “No.”
He gets out of the car and comes to me. He stops when he really sees me. Broken, crying, with my shoulders and head hanging so low they might as well be touching the ground. “Just hear what I have to say.”
“No.” He puts his hands on my shoulders to move me and I collapse to the ground sobbing.
“Please Eli, I’m begging you to listen to me. What you heard, it’s not what you think.”
His eyes are heavy with sadness and sympathy. He looks away from me to avoid my gaze. “I can’t do this anymore Shay, I’m exhausted. I just can’t.”
“I’m not asking you to, all I’m asking you to do is listen to me.” I look up at him through my lashes heavy with moisture. “I’m begging you Eli; this is me on my knees begging you to listen.”
He kneels down to meet me. “I won’t be your second choice for one more minute.”
I look up at him with the utmost sincerity. “You’ve never been my second choice, Eli. I love you. I want to be with you forever. I don’t want Aiden, I told McNab that. He pushed and pushed, feeling the guilt of having lost Aiden. He feels responsible and he wants me to mourn Aiden’s absence. I told him that I cared about Aiden, but it’s you I want to be with. Now and always.” The sobs are crashing in, battering my soul from the inside out. “Eli, I don’t want to take another breath if you aren’t in the air, I don’t want to feel one more thing if it isn’t my love for you. Eli, please, I love you.”
He pulls his lips into a thin line, choking back his own tears. “Shay, for so many years I’ve played second fiddle to Aiden and I can’t do it anymore. It doesn’t matter even now that he’s gone, he’s haunting our relationship.”
“No, Eli. Your insecurity is. Look at me.” He hesitates before looking at me. “I. Love. You.”
His demeanor softens. “I have to say goodbye to you Shay, I can’t do this, I have to walk away to maintain my own sanity.”
Quietly I slump, leaning on the back bumper of his car, accepting my defeat. In this moment I want to open a vein and end it all right now. Despair creeps in and I resign myself to this being the end between us.
He stands and walks back to his car door. I push out a whisper past my sobs. “I won’t live without you.”
“You’ll be fine,” he says coldly and gets back in the car.
McNab comes out the front door witnessing the scene of me sobbing on the ground and Eli trying to figure out how he’s going to leave. McNab leans down as though he’s going to help me up. But I don’t want to get up. I’d rather lay here until Eli runs the tires over my hopeless body.
“Eli,” McNab barks.
Eli steps out of the car. “I don’t need shit from you, man. Just get her out of my way.”
“You’re making assumptions that are untrue.” McNab places himself in the way of the open car door.
“Yeah, and I suppose you’re going to set me straight?” Eli challenges.
“Yeah, I’m going to set you straight.” McNab doesn’t posture any more than taking a protective stance. “If you’ll take a second to listen, you’ll get it.”
Eli pushes into McNab with his chest to move him, but McNab stands his ground. “Get her out of my way.”
“She doesn’t want to be with Aiden. She wants to be with you.” McNab pleads my case.
“Did you miss what she said in there?” Eli questions.
“Look, dumbass, I was upset because it seemed like she’d forgotten about Aiden. It bothered me that she just blithely moved on with you like he never existed.”
Eli gets in close to McNab’s face. “There hasn’t been a moment in our lives together that Aiden hasn’t ‘existed.’ She’ll never love just me, she’ll always love us. Is that something you could live with?”
“Yes, for someone I professed to love and cherish like you do? Yes. And you’re wrong. She cares about Aiden, but she doesn’t want to marry him, have children with him, and build a life with him. She wants all that with you.”
Eli looks past McNab to see me still sobbing on the ground. His demeanor softens and he pushes past him to me. “Is that true? You want to be my wife? You want to have my children?”
I nod and through my tears tell him, “Oliver and Fallon. I want that, I want to be Mrs. Elijah Walker one day.”
He bends down and takes me into his arms. “I love you, but you have to know I can’t do it anymore. It has to be me and only me. No more Aiden, whether he’s across the globe or across the street.”
I nod in agreement. “I only want to be with you.”
He helps me up and into the house. He puts me on the couch and smiles, kneeling in front of me. “No more Aiden?”
“No more Aiden. I want to be with you.” When I say the words I believe them, they are true. I'm done being Aiden's toy. I need Eli, I need his stability to ground me and make me feel safe.
He stands and goes into the
bedroom and returns quickly, taking his place on the floor in front of me. “Mrs. Walker, huh?” He smiles and his eyes dance with delight.
I nod, hopeful that he’s going to give me another chance as the tears on my face are drying.
He looks down at his hands and takes mine in his. “Then let’s do it.”
A wave of panic rides through me that I won’t be able to live up to his expectations. He slides the diamond and sapphire engagement ring on my finger and I realize that I misunderstood him.
“Marry me.” He looks into my eyes as serious as a heart attack.
My hesitation will kill this moment, so I blurt it out. “Yes.” I throw my arms around his neck. McNab stands with his arms folded, leaning against the doorframe with a disapproving look on his face.
“Today, let’s do it today,” Eli says enthusiastically.
“Today?” I question the rush of it all. I mean, I always thought we would have a big wedding.
A wry smile rises to McNab’s lips as though he’s waiting for me to screw it up. Waiting for me to say that I don’t want to get married today, he’s enjoying this all too much.
“Yes, today.” He pulls back to look me in the eye. “We’ll go to the courthouse and have a civil ceremony and then we can plan the wedding of your dreams for when all of this calms down.”
Absently I nod. I’m scared out of my mind at the prospect of getting married today. It wasn’t exactly in my day planner. Who am I kidding; I don’t have a day planner. “Okay, can I get a shower or do I have to go like this?”
A deep laugh rumbles in his chest as he lands a sweet kiss on top of my head. “Well, I’d marry you naked, but I have a little more class than to get married in flip flops.”
Carl comes to the door and walks in past McNab. “Hey, what’s going on?”
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