by Tanya Allan
“Because I have been injured or wounded once too often. My knees would make Steve Austin jealous,” I said, and she frowned.
“The Six Million dollar man,” I said, and then, “It was a TV show when I was younger, where a guy was horribly injured, and they rebuilt him so he became faster, stronger and better than anyone else.”
“Oh,” she said, “I was never much for the TV, load of bollocks most of it.”
I laughed, as she really was very refreshing.
We stayed a while. I have never been good at idle chitchat, but she seemed genuinely interested in me, and we seemed to get on well.
Mickey came and dragged us in, and we all sat round a big table for a working supper.
Russell had no clue about organising anything, so I took over. I laid things out clean and simple. Safety came first, where instructions were not optional. The chart showed a possible landing point by the mouth of a small stream as it hit the ocean. There was a reef a few yards out, but there should be sufficient water to get a rib through at high tide. That was my job. Mickey was staying on the boat, so once we were established, he would be back every ten days or so with fresh supplies.
The photographer, Craig, was a pain in the ass. I established that he had never been in the tropics before, so guessed he would be a liability. The others were okay, for civilians, even Russell seemed prepared to do what I told him.
I advised them to get a good night’s sleep, as it was an early start in the morning. We would spend three days on the boat, and I was gambling that most of them would get seasick.
I was sitting on my balcony at midnight, when I became aware of the girl again. She was back by the rail, looking at the sea.
“Can’t you sleep?” I asked, making her jump.
“You made me jump,” she said, I saw her teeth flash in the darkness. I was pleased she didn’t cry out, that showed me she had good control.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“My body clock is all to fuck,” she said. “I slept on the plane and in the van. Besides, it is so peaceful here. One can almost lose oneself.”
“Why would one want to?” I asked. She looked away. So, there was something she was running away from.
“Fancy a beer?” I asked.
“Why not?” she said, and before I could climb down, she climbed up and sat on the floor beside me. I passed her an open beer.
We sat and watched the night sky, with the lights of the boats twinkling out in the bay. She was right. One could lose oneself, almost.
I let my mind drift back to my surreal adventures, and once again, I experienced that lurch of regret as I missed being someone else.
We were still there at 1 am.
I had never met anyone who allowed me to open up quite so much. Even as a kid, the shrink, Michelle, had to squeeze everything out of me, a little bit at a time.
Eventually, we went to our beds, but I lay for a while trying to understand what it was about her that affected me as she obviously did. I was just dropping off when it hit me, she did not come on to me like all the other women I had met, and she did not expect me to do the same for her. It began to dawn on me, that we might not be so different after all.
The next morning, I was up and dressed in my jungle fatigues by 06:30. I looked what I was, a hardened Marine. I came down to the bar, but found only Mickey and Gillian up and drinking coffee.
Gillian was wearing ex-British army camouflage combat trousers and Magnum boots that laced up high. She had a webbing belt, with a couple of pouches on it, and a plain green tee shirt. For the first time I felt a sexual twinge towards her, and when she turned and smiled at me, the feeling went deeper. This was very unusual for me.
“Good morning, First Sergeant Ryan,” she said. “You look very professional.”
“Morning, Doc, you look pretty damn good yourself,” I said, meaning it, and she blushed. She was a very pretty girl, so it was a pity she never tried to show herself off to her best!
“Hey, Ed, what do you reckon?” Mickey asked, as I poured myself a coffee and grabbed some toast.
“Hell, Mickey, it is too early to say. Let’s see how the boat trip grabs them,” I said.
“Gillian here tells me that she has done some sailing,” Mickey said.
“Is that a fact?” I asked.
“My Uncle used to race his thirty foot yacht, so I used to love to crew for him,” she said. Somehow, I could see her doing stuff like that.
“My boat ain’t got no sails,” Mickey said.
“I am used to any boat, I used to go over to Shetland on the old steamer,” Gillian replied.
“I’m going for a run, so I’ll see you in about half an hour,” I said.
“Would you mind if I joined you?” she asked.
“Be my guest, I’m not used to running with anyone, so I hope you can keep up,” I said.
“I’ll try, but don’t slow your pace for me,” she said.
I always went for a run, just a couple of miles or so before the heat of the day. It gave me space to think, so I was a bit thrown by her request.
I set off along the shoreline, setting quite a fast pace, my knee gave me some pain, but I ignored it. She surprised me by keeping exactly to my pace and timing. She made no conversation, just running quietly next to me. Her breathing matched mine. She ran nicely, her long legs were smooth, and her action perfect.
I ran to the point, where the view was best. I usually did some push-ups and stretching exercises here. To my surprise, she matched me, push-up for push-up, but quit when I reached a hundred. I kept going for another fifty, and she smiled.
“I’m sorry, I am not as strong as you,” she said, pulling a plastic bottle out of one of her pouches, taking a sip of water and pouring some over her head. She passed it to me, so I did the same.
“Hell, girl, you’re fitter than most Marines I know,” I said, and she blushed again, putting her water bottle away.
We jogged back and I realised that, once again, I liked having her with me. She said nothing, yet we both seemed to get something from the company of the other.
We arrived back at the Flying Fish, to find most of the party were now up. I was amused to see them all tucking into a big fried breakfast. I smiled, noticing Gillian helping herself to some fruit.
I went and sat on the deck, where she joined me.
“I bet they all up-chuck before the day is out,” she said, with a wicked grin.
I loved her accent. Some of the words she used were just great, and ‘up-chuck’ made me laugh. I immediately thought of all my English friends I had made in my first other life. I tried not to think about it too much, too much pain! Maybe I should have blocked them all.
No. They were still all I had left of those times.
“Hell, I thought that last night. Which one will ‘up-chuck’ first?” I asked her.
“Craig, he is the most likely, and a complete tosser,” she said.
I laughed again, as I had come to the same conclusion.
We sat and chatted a while. She told me of her upbringing on a farm in Scotland. I heard about her brothers and the life she led. She shared her dislike of having to conform to what her mother wanted her to be, and how she had yearned to be a boy like her brothers.
I just nodded. My mind immediately went back to my own youth, and the hidden desire I kept so secret. The fact that I had taken the opportunity to enjoy a complete lifetime as Jane, and then as Layla did not remove my inner yearning.
I now knew why she and I seemed to hit it off so well, we were kindred spirits. I could not bring myself to share my secrets with her, but I knew that in the course of the next few weeks I would endeavour to.
Mickey yelled for everyone, so we made our way to the boat. I had already loaded my gear and some of the essential equipment on board, so I was able to assist with their kit. Luckily, they didn’t have much, as they would be spreading the load of the tents, food and other essentials, once they got to the other end.
Soon
we were heading out to the open sea, and after we had been going for half an hour Craig ran to the side and evacuated his breakfast.
I grinned at Gillian and we shook hands. I then noticed Russell watching us, and he was frowning. I went up to the bow, took off my shirt, and lay down to catch me some rays.
Chapter Two
Gillian.
I sat up talking with Ed for hours, very unlike me. But he was so easy to talk to, and he really had crammed a lot into his life. We just sat and chatted, drinking a few beers. I felt very relaxed and safe with him, and for the life of me, I can’t say why. It felt like he was my brother, or at least, something like a brother. He certainly didn’t feel a threat.
I slept well, but awoke early, and went down to bar. I deliberately selected to wear my old combats and boots, just to identify with him, I think. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I actually wondered if I ought to put on some make up. Silly thought, as I had none with me.
Mickey, the boat’s captain was the only person in the bar, so I joined him for a coffee. Then Ed arrived, looking very smart in his jungle fatigues and a khaki tee shirt. I bet even his socks had knife-edge creases in them.
He grabbed a quick orange juice, and then announced he was off for a run, so I asked if I could join him. He said he wasn’t bothered, but I could sense he wasn’t used to company, so I just ran next to him in silence.
He was very fit, hitting a steady rhythm very early, so I just matched it, keeping up with him. I did notice he had a slight limp, as if his right knee was giving him pain. We came to a beautiful point, which overlooked the ocean. He started doing push-ups, and so I followed suit. I had to stop when he reached a hundred, as I was completely knackered. He kept going for at least another fifty, and looked as if he could keep it up all day.
As we jogged back, we said nothing, but at one point I glanced at him, and found he was watching me. He smiled, and I blushed, he made me feel very strange.
When we arrived back, the others were all out of bed and eating greasy eggs and bacon. I shuddered, if they were going on the open sea in a small boat, then they were asking for trouble. I grabbed some fruit, and went onto the deck again.
Ed and I chatted for a while, and I heard myself telling him that I always wanted to be a boy, like my brothers. I can’t believe I told him that, almost a complete stranger. I had never told anyone that, ever!
But strangely, he just nodded, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. He smiled at me, so I knew that, somehow, he understood and passed no judgement at all. It was almost like a confession, because afterwards, I felt as if a huge burden had been lifted from me, and I felt really great.
After breakfast, we went onto the boat; Mickey had called it Lucky Lucy, after his daughter. It was a fishing boat really, but had been converted to carry people and light cargo.
I watched the land disappear behind us and smiled, as Craig was first to the rail to up-chuck. I glanced at Ed, and he was grinning at me. He came over and shook my hand.
He then went up to the bow, took his shirt off, and lay on the deck with his eyes shut. Russell came over to me.
“You seem to be getting on well with Captain America!” he said.
“Yes, he’s cool!” I said.
Russell’s eyebrows shot up.
“Cool? I have to confess, I find him rather abrupt and militaristic!” he said.
“Of course, he’s a Marine. You have to realise, that civilians are a lower life form to Marines, so they need to be nurtured to develop any rapport!” I said.
“Oh, is that what you are doing? I thought you were just flirting!” he said, with a teasing smile.
“Russell, he is a Marine. His world and ours are miles apart, but it pays to keep in with him!” I said, not believing what I had just said. “My brother is in the British army, and they are the same – there are civilians and then real people who wear uniforms and serve their country.”
“I suppose you are right, I find it difficult, as he seems to disapprove of all of us. Except you, that is!” he said.
He ambled away, looking a little green around the gills.
I joined Ed in the bow and looked at the tanned body lying in the sun. He was very well-muscled, not a six-pack, but an eight pack! He was as lean as anything, no extra fat at all. I saw the scars and a couple of marks that could only be bullet wounds.
He had a tattoo on one shoulder, so my mother would be horrified. It was of the US Marine Corps crest, and it suited him. I was very envious of him, his size, his looks and his power and strength. And, I found there was another feeling, lurking in the background, which I suppressed almost immediately.
Almost!
I actually fancied him, a little, but I suppressed it.
He opened his eyes.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi,” I said, and that little flutter in my tummy beat off my attempts to suppress it anymore.
“Join me?” he said, moving over on his mat. I shrugged, taking off my tee shirt. I had a black bikini on underneath, so paused for only a second before taking it off too, laying on my tummy next to him.
I felt his hands on my back. I froze, but then he said.
“You need some sun screen, so have some of mine,” he said, so I allowed him to rub the cream into my back. He was the first man I had ever allowed to touch me, and I actually liked it.
I actually dozed off with the pitch and roll of the ship.
He shook me awake.
“Hey, Doc G, you’re burning!” he said.
I turned over, remembering too late that I was topless. But I found that didn’t care and he gave no indication he did. He simply passed me the bottle of sunscreen, saying, “You had better do your front yourself!”
And then he grinned at me.
I liberally spread the sunscreen all over me, and lay back in the sun.
I was aware that he was watching me, so I shielded my eyes with my hand, as I looked at him. He was lying on his side, with his head on one hand.
“You’ve got lovely skin, you don’t want to burn it,” he said.
“I want to go as brown as you,” I said.
He laughed.
“What is so funny?” I asked.
“We are.”
“Why?”
“Because we are so screwed up, we can’t see a good thing when it stares us in the face,” he said; his expression sad.
I seemed to sense there was more, so I just asked, “Like what?”
“Well, you wanted to be like your brothers, and I, well I was pretty screwed up too. My dad ran off when I was young, and, heck, I don’t know, but I guess I went off the rails a little. When I was a kid in High school, I got sent to see a shrink, and it turns out that I am the same as you. Except, I wanted to be a girl. But I grew to be six foot six, and weighed in at two hundred and twenty-five pounds. So, I bit the bullet and got on with my life. Now I figure that you want to be me, and shit girl, I would have loved to be you,” he said, as he lay back sighing.
I realised that it had taken a lot for him to share that with me, and I respected him for it.
“You wanted to be a girl?” I said, rather incredulous.
He stared at the sky.
“Yup, ever since I can remember. Only I was never prepared to take my feelings seriously. You see, the way I figured, it’s better to play with the hand you get, than to try a cheat and play with a hand less a few cards,” he said.
I frowned, as he looked at me.
“See, if I had gone for a full-blown sex change, I would have been a six foot six freak, neither one nor the other. I wasn’t prepared to go through that. And you, too many people to hurt, and for what, to be a pretend man?” he asked.
He was right. I had considered surgery and discounted it, as I would have been exactly what he had described, a pretend man!
I sat next to him, with my mind in a whirl. Here was someone like me. For the first time in my life, I was no longer alone and unique.
“I
would be obliged if this information is not broadcast,” he said with a grin. I leaned across, taking his hand, as he looked at me. Suddenly he seemed so vulnerable. He’d shared something from his inner most soul and it laid him open for the first time in his life.
“Have you ever told anyone?”
“Nope, apart from the shrink when I was in school, and I guess she thought I was cured. I never said anything to make her feel differently.”
“I’m humbled that you shared this with me.”
“Hell, Doc, I’m just repaying the compliment.”
That made me smile.
“It’s the loneliness I hate the most,” I said.
We stared into each other’s eyes. It was strange, for it was almost like looking into a mirror.
“Strange place to come across your soul mate; ain’t it?” he said, giving me such an open and warm look, that I was completely confused.
He was right, as that is exactly how I felt. He squeezed my hand in his. I was conscious of how much larger his hand was compared to mine.
“You sure have a pretty little hand,” he said, making me laugh a little nervously.
“I was thinking that you had big strong hands. Weird isn’t it?” I said.
He smiled.
“What?” I asked.
“Can you imagine what those who are watching us are thinking right now?” he asked.
I laughed, realising exactly how it looked.
“Well, the truth is somewhat different,” I said.
“Hell, girl, why disappoint them?” And before I knew it we were kissing.
I had kissed a few guys, but it had never felt like this. I had been so desperate to be ‘normal’ that I’d really tried to do ‘normal’ things. One of them was dating and what my father called ‘necking’. Quite why, I never discovered.
Despite trying, it just hadn’t worked for me.
Ed, on the other hand, was so tender and caring, that it almost blew me away. I found myself responding, and before I knew it, he had wrapped a large arm around me, so we were lying side by side on the mat. I tried to imagine myself being he, feeling myself becoming aroused.
Eventually, I had to come up for air.
