by L A Cotton
“Didn’t you hear your phone? Eli’s pre-K called you.”
“They did? Oh.”
Oh? My blood boiled, and I dragged a hand over my head. “Eli is sick; I had to pick him up.”
“That’s good. Thanks, baby.”
Thanks? Was she for real? “Are you fucking kidding me?” I ground out. “I had to leave school, Mom. You’re not at the store; you’re supposed to be the one doing this shit.”
“Evan, I—”
I didn’t wait around to hear her bullshit excuse. “Just come home. He needs you.” He needs his mom. Hanging up, I collected the pillow and Eli’s Paw Patrol pajamas and headed back to him.
The poor little guy had fallen asleep hugging his favorite stuffed toy. I grabbed a blanket off the chair and covered him up. When I’d arrived at pre-K to pick him up, he didn’t bat an eye at me standing there instead of Mom. How fucked up was that? That this innocent little boy already knew not to rely on his mom. I loved the little shit more than I loved anything else in the world, but I knew that my love would never replace the love of his mom. Yet she couldn’t be who he needed her to be. And unless things drastically changed, I couldn’t see things being any different anytime soon. The idea ate through me like acid.
Eli would grow up knowing that one parent didn’t love him enough to stay and another didn’t love him enough to care. It was so unfair. Things weren’t supposed to be like this. It was my senior year. I was supposed to be focusing on college, on my future. Instead, I was juggling raising my younger brother and keeping the girl I’d fallen for out of trouble, all while appeasing my fucked-up family. I was exhausted. Besides Mellie, I had no one to turn to. Nobody was waiting on the sidelines, ready to step in and pick up the pieces when shit got too much. Dad had walked out three years ago and never looked back, and Mom … well, she spent half the time checked out of reality. Which left me.
I sank in the chair, watching Eli in his peaceful slumber, the steady rise and fall of his chest as he murmured nothings to his bear. Maybe if he didn’t exist, things would be different. Nothing would tie to me this place. Nothing except Becca. I didn’t know how long I sat there, watching, but the door opening and the sound of voices roused me from my thoughts.
“Evan? It’s me.” Mom sounded so casual as if she hadn’t dropped the ball again.
“In here,” I said flatly.
Her and Elaina shuffled into the room, their arms laden with bags. “We were out shopping.”
“Hey, sweetie, come over here and help us?” Elaina threw me a sickly sweet smile, and I wanted to run—to get as far away from this nightmare as possible—but Eli stirred, reminding me that I couldn’t. I could never run.
This was my life.
With a heavy sigh, I went to them and helped gather the bags into a pile on the table. When I glanced back at Mom, she was standing over Eli, stroking his forehead.
“Don’t wake him,” I growled, and Elaina gasped beside me.
“Evan, I don’t think that’s any way to talk to your mother. It was my fault.” A hand landed on my arm. “We had so much fun shopping, good old girls fun, and I guess we got carried away.”
I hated the way she covered for Mom. Time and time again, they did it. The party went on longer than we anticipated. Darryl wanted to celebrate. We all got so drunk we didn’t remember to call and check in. I’d heard all the excuses in the book, but none of them changed the fact that Mom switched her parenting responsibilities on and off when it suited her.
“Evan.” Mom joined us, wearing an expression mixed with annoyance and regret. “I’m sorry; it was a mistake. The mall was loud, and we were in the store. I would have called them right back. You know that.”
I really didn’t.
“He’s home,” I said. “That’s all that matters.”
“Well, Ellen, I really should be getting back to Darryl. You know how he gets if I’m gone for too long, but let me know about the weekend, okay?”
They air kissed, and I wanted to hurl. It was so fake and conceited.
“Evan.” Elaina turned to me, waiting, but I didn’t move. Instead, I grunted out a curt bye. She gave me an eye roll and headed out. When the front door slammed shut, Mom said, “It wouldn’t hurt you to be nice to her. She’s your aunt.”
I wanted to say so many things, but I learned a long time ago that nothing I said made a difference. So I swallowed down the words and bottled them away along with all the other shit I carried around with me.
“I’ll be in my room. Tell Eli he can come hang out when he wakes if he wants.”
“Evan, please—” But I was already walking away.
~
Eli didn’t come hang out. Eventually, Mom woke him after making his favorite soup, but he couldn’t stomach any, so she put him to bed. I waited until they were both asleep before slipping out. I didn’t know where I was going, but I needed to get out of the house. It was suffocating.
It wasn’t until the old Ferris Wheel loomed overhead that I realized I’d driven out to Rogues. I parked and gripped the wheel, deciding whether to get out or turn around and go home. It wasn’t the same coming out here now that Becca wasn’t around. Nothing was the same without her. Part of me considered going to see if Scarlett and the others were here because they usually were. But I hadn’t hung out with people since back in eighth grade, and even then, I was always on the periphery looking in. When Dad left and Mom turned to the bottle, something shifted in me. High school drama, dating, drinking, and getting high with friends all paled against the responsibility I shouldered. It was one of the reasons I didn’t step in to help Ami. I’d known that Kendall was making her life hell—everyone did. Ami even came to me once, asking for help. She’d made it known that she had a crush on me, but I wasn’t interested. Malachi liked her, and I wouldn’t do that to him. But I was the only one with the power to do anything, yet I knew that if I revealed Kendall’s big secret, not only would it tear her family apart, but the fallout would also affect mine. I was young and selfish, and I turned a blind eye, and a girl’s life was ruined in the process.
I slammed my fist down hard against the leather, pain shooting up my wrist and into my arm. But I welcomed it. Pain meant feeling, and feeling meant I wasn’t numb. Not yet. Being numb meant you were done fighting, and I wasn’t done. Becca had made me feel, and now that I’d experienced it, I didn’t want to give it up.
Ever.
Becca
“Looking for someone?” Jace’s voice startled me, and I almost slipped off the stool. He laughed, sliding a bottle of water toward me. “Here.”
“No one in particular.” I grabbed the bottle and uncapped the lid. “Thanks.”
Liar. I was looking for Malachi, hoping that maybe he decided to come after all even though he pulled me to the side today at school and told me he couldn’t come tonight. But here I was anyway, sipping on water and hoping my face didn’t betray the anxiety churning my stomach.
As if he could hear my thoughts, Jace said, “No Malachi tonight?”
“He’s busy,” I said, not really liking the accusation in his voice.
After Saturday with Evan and Eli, I’d spent the week avoiding Evan, and it was exhausting. I caught him looking across the hallway at me like a wounded puppy more than once. Felt his heated stare on me in class. But everything was so confusing, and I needed to let loose. Sunday, I’d had every intention of heading to Teller’s, but Mom insisted we spend the evening together as a family. We sat in the living room watching old movies and not talking. Very family like. So I’d waited until Tuesday, but it was weird. I’d showed up alone; however, by the time the band started, Malachi had appeared. Like a protective bodyguard, ready to jump into action when I needed it, he’d stood at the edge of the room, watching. We didn’t speak, and he didn’t come and stand with me, like the time before. And when I was ready to leave, he simply said, “Come on,” and drove me home. No questions asked. We didn’t discuss my presence at the bar, and he didn’t try to give
me another lecture. It just was. And then Wednesday at school, he went back to ignoring me.
“All alone then?”
“I guess,” I said, unwilling to make eye contact. Jace seemed like a good guy, but I was here to avoid judgment, and his gaze felt too much like scrutiny.
“You sure you’re okay?” Jace was staring at me, his eyes probing my face. I could tell he wanted to say something, and it occurred to me that Malachi might have asked him to keep an eye on me. Whatever. I was here now, and I intended on enjoying myself as much as possible.
“I’m good. Can I get a beer?” Maybe it would settle the nerves.
He studied me, and for a second, I thought he might say no, but eventually, he said, “Sure. One beer coming up.”
I dropped some bills on the bar and turned around to face the room. “Looks like the band is about to start.” I nodded over at the stage where a tall, thin girl stepped up to the mic. Her bright red hair shimmered in the spotlight like flames in the wind.
“They have a more chilled sound, but they’re good.” Jace placed down the beer. I understood his unspoken words—things wouldn’t be as crazy tonight.
“Can’t wait.” I took a long pull on the beer and hopped off the stool. “I’ll see you later, Jace.”
He nodded as I headed for the dancefloor. A couple of guys smiled as if they recognized me, but I couldn’t pick out their faces. I wasn’t here to make friends or get hit on by guys twice my age. I just wanted to lose myself in the music. To feel the adrenaline flooding my veins.
To forget.
The lights dimmed, and I finished the beer. Placing it on one of the ledges, I wound my way through the crowd just in time to hear the girl’s silky voice over the mic followed by the opening beats. Anticipation rippled in the air, electrifying the hairs along the back of my neck, and I braced myself.
Everything started out fine. I danced along with the crowd, losing myself in the haunting vocals. And then all hell broke loose. I didn’t notice at first, too entranced by the beat, the sea of synchronized black and leather, moving as one to the music. Someone jostled me, and I turned to see a woman with wide eyes as her alarmed gaze fixed on something to the side of us. I followed her line of sight, a gasp slipping from my lips as I saw two huge men fighting. The crowd pushed back, giving them room as they drove fists into one another, while the music played on. I didn’t know what to do. Everyone seemed to continue enjoying the band, paying little attention to the men grappling at the edge of the dancefloor, but then another guy jumped in, and before I knew it, an all-out riot broke out. Glass shattered, people screamed, and the violent sounds of grown men hurting each other drowned out the music until I realized the band stopped playing. I started to retreat through the crowd, pushing my way to the bar, but everyone had the same idea—to get away from the brawl—and it created a bottleneck. Bodies closed in around me until I couldn’t breathe.
It was too loud—the screams, the sound of wood clattering against wood—and I pressed my palms to my ears, trying to calm the panic rising in me. People pushed and shoved in an attempt to exit the bar while security swooped in, hauling grown men out like they weighed nothing more than feathers. A hand landed on my shoulder, and I jumped, my heart lurching into my throat.
“Hey, it’s just me,” Jace said, and the relief I felt was instant. “Come on; I have a beer with your name on it.”
I followed him to the quieter side of the bar. Things were calming down, but the place was trashed.
“You okay?” He placed a bottle down in front of me.
“So much for the band being more chilled, huh?” A strangled laugh tumbled out, and he shook his head, amusement glinting in his eyes.
“Just a normal Tuesday night.”
“Really?” I hadn’t gotten that impression. Sure, it was a little rough around the edges, but that was some crazy shit.
“Nah, happens once in a blue moon, but when it does, it blows up like the Fourth of July. You sure you’re okay? You’re shaking.” He motioned to my hand, and I thrust it down by my thighs.
“I’m fine. Just a little shaken.”
“Listen, maybe I should call you a cab?”
I nodded. What I really wanted was for Malachi to walk through the doors and offer me a ride home, but he wasn’t coming. And I was beginning to think he’d made it a point to tell me he wouldn’t be here for a reason.
And that maybe I should have listened.
~
I avoided the cafeteria at lunch, lingering behind at my locker while everyone hurried off to eat and catch up with friends. Deciding I could hide out in the library, I set off in the right direction when a hand caught my wrist. “We need to talk.”
My eyes snapped to Malachi’s. “What the hell?” I hissed, glancing around. The hallway was almost empty. Malachi didn’t talk as he dragged me around the corner to the main stairwell.
“You went to Teller’s last night?”
“Let me guess. Jace told you?”
He ignored my question, which only irritated me all the more. “Becca,” he said like I was a child he was about to scold. “I told you I wasn’t going to be there.”
“And? I don’t need you to protect me, Malachi.”
He grumbled something under his breath, rubbing a hand back and forth over his head. “You can’t be going there alone. It’s not safe.”
“Not safe?” My voice rose, but I quickly lowered it, not wanting to draw attention. “You were the one who took me there. I didn’t ask to go. It’s just a bar. Jace seems like a good guy; he looks out for me.” He looked out for me last night when you weren’t there. I knew it was unfair to think that. Malachi didn’t owe me anything, but if he thought it wasn’t safe for me to hang out there, then maybe he shouldn’t have taken me in the first place.
He let out a frustrated breath. “He is a good guy, but that’s not the point. I didn’t think you’d start going there on your own.”
“Are you for real?” I stared at him incredulously. “You ignore me at school, barely talk to me at the bar, and then think you can pull this shit? What the hell is wrong with you people? I’m not some child who needs wrapping up in cotton wool. You don’t know what I’ve been through, what I’ve …” I smashed my lips together, realizing my slip.
Malachi’s eyes narrowed, and I glared back at him. He didn’t speak. Neither did I. This—whatever this was—was over as far as I was concerned. People around here made a habit of giving you things in one hand and snatching them away in the other, and I was done.
“See you around, Malachi.” I shouldered him out of the way and didn’t look back.
~
Afternoon classes dragged while my run-in with Malachi weighed heavily on my mind. Deep down, I knew he had every right to be pissed that I went to Teller’s alone. He took me there; he probably felt some kind of responsibility, but I thought he understood. Thought he got how much I needed somewhere to escape. Before heading home, I went to stash some books in my locker. There was another note. I ripped it out of my locker and scanned the hallway for any signs of Kendall. She was watching me from across the hall with arms folded over her chest, and her hip cocked to one side.
Refusing to be intimidated, I calmly closed my locker, hitched my bag over my shoulder, and walked straight toward her. She didn’t falter as I drew closer with the folded white note still in my hand. I didn’t open it; I didn’t care what was scrawled inside. As I passed her, I slowed down, my whole body shaking with anger. I held out my hand and crumpled the note before throwing it into the trashcan behind her. Her glare turned from amused to furious, and a sense of satisfaction filled my chest. Maybe I was playing a dangerous game by baiting her, but it was too late now.
“Becca.” Her voice slowed me down, but I didn’t stop. “You really should pay attention.”
I held up my finger and flipped her off over my shoulder.
Kendall O’Hare could go to hell.
Evan
“We’ve got a problem.” M
alachi fell into step beside me as I cut across the parking lot at school. I tensed. He wasn’t a talker, much like myself, which meant if he was coming to me about something, then it involved Becca.
I slowed, turning to face him. “Go on ...”
“I did something stupid.”
My jaw clenched as his eyes darted around, avoiding my face. “Malachi,” I growled.
“I took Becca to Teller’s.”
“Teller’s? That dive bar out on Praline? I don’t understand.” They’d been out together? On a date? Jealousy burned through me, and I inched forward. Malachi’s hands flew up, the color draining from his face.
“Whoa, whoa, not like that; it’s nothing like that.” His line of sight dropped to my fists, pressed against my thighs. “I thought she could use somewhere to go, like a safe place.”
“A safe place?” What the fuck was he talking about?
“I go there sometimes. After Ami, the shit with Kendall, I needed somewhere, away from everyone at school, from the usual hangouts. They have live bands; the music, it—”
“And you took Becca there?”
He nodded, rubbing his thumb over his jaw. “But I think it was a mistake.”
“You’d better start talking, now,” I barked, and a couple of kids looked over. “Not here.” I started toward the side of the building, away from prying eyes and listening ears.
When we were out of sight, he said, “I thought she’d hang out, enjoy the music, but she was right there in the thick of it, being thrown around like a rag doll.”
“What the fuck?”
“It’s mostly rock, grunge, that type of thing. You know the sort.”
I ran a hand over my head and grimaced. “She was there alone?”
“Like I said, I screwed up. I thought she’d go hang out at the bar and watch the bands. I didn’t think she’d throw herself right into the middle of it.”
My eyes snapped to his. Nothing about that option sounded like a good idea either, not to me. Not if she was alone. It made her an easy target.
