Fifty Years of Fear
Ross Greenwood
Could you forgive murder?
What if it was something worse?
FIFTY YEARS OF FEAR
Copyright © Ross Greenwood 2017
All rights reserved
ISBN: 9781521806678
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form by photocopying or any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage or retrieval systems, without permission in writing from both the copyright owner and the publisher of the book.
All characters are fictional.
Any similarity to any actual person is purely coincidental.
The right of Ross Greenwood to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 and any subsequent amendments thereto.
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‘They called me Eighteen, but I didn’t do it.’
Vincent Roach
‘In the end, the only judgement that
matters is that of your children.’
Vincent’s mother
‘I did what had to be done.’
Vincent’s family motto
1966
Fifty years ago
I was born. My mum told me that I began life quietly, with barely a murmur. I will leave the same way.
1966 is the year England won the World Cup. When I look back, it sometimes feels as though it was downhill after that. And I don’t even like football.
Chapter 1
1980 – Age 14
The silence lasted at least a minute before anyone spoke.
‘Had a stroke of what?’
I looked over at Frank and stopped the same question falling out of my mouth.
‘No, he’s had a stroke,’ my mum said.
My brother’s eyes narrowed in confusion. He glanced at me for help, but my slack face displayed the same ignorance.
‘It’s like a heart attack, but in your brain,’ she finally answered.
It sounded serious, but I found it hard to connect the words to my dad. He was a big, strong man. A dustman no less. Some of the bins, at the posh houses, had wheels but the majority had to be lifted onto your back. He’d always been an immovable presence in my family - a consistent man who grounded us. He did have kids late in life, but he'd only seen fifty a few years ago. It didn’t make sense.
‘Is he dead?’ Frank asked.
‘No, he’s still alive.’
The way she said it left the chance of that finality being distinctly possible. My brother was a simple boy. He would have been fifteen then, so perhaps a man. He saw the world in two colours; black and white. Therefore, he seemed cold but that's not who he was.
He just knew his position in the scheme of things, and anything that confused or threatened him he addressed forcefully and directly - until he understood it, processed it, and could place it where he had an element of control. Violence was often close by. Frank seemed a pleasant name, but the reality was different.
My mum would never get away with that loose reply.
‘Is he going to die?’
‘No, Frank. They don’t think so, not now.’
He'd been gone a week, so we knew it was serious. I saw the ambulance leave as I got home from school that day and found our neighbour, May, waiting for me in our kitchen. Old people have strange phrases, often for every event. She said “Your dad’s had a funny turn.” An understatement if ever there was one.
She escorted me to her house for tea, being aware Frank stayed out until late at night. May was a nice lady, but she only gave us things on toast. That would have been fine, but there were risks involved. The food could be fresh or stale. You put the edge of the toast in your mouth and nibbled, knowing it might be mouldy. As luck would have it, she had a Jack Russell who, despite our best efforts, was never sick.
My mum went in the ambulance with my dad. She only returned on the odd occasion, and then didn’t stay long. I found her sobbing one morning a few days later, hunched over the sink, and I gave her a hug. She was a bird-like creature. I sometimes felt as though I could crush her, but her bones must have been made of steel. All she said was, ‘He’s ill, Vincent.’
I didn’t know what to say; I’d never been great with dealing with extremes of emotion. None of us were - my brother in particular. His brutal nature wasn’t driven by anger or anxiety but by fact-based decision making. That’s why they feared him. However, I believed my mum would sort things out. She always did.
There was no question of going to visit. We lived on the wrong side of town from the hospital, for a start. There were buses but there was no way my dad would want us to see him like that. We didn’t need to ask.
‘What will happen now? When’s he coming home?’ I said.
‘I’m not sure, Vinnie. It may be some time. In the meantime, we carry on as normal. We pull together, as always.’
‘No problem.’
Frank smiled and got up from his seat. He'd waste no more energy thinking about the issue until necessary. I had many more questions than that because I was almost the opposite of my brother. The world confused me. So I focused on the things I understood, like my family and the odd friend, relationships in general, and ignored the rest. As I opened my mouth to enquire about money, my mother interrupted me.
‘Wash your hands. Your tea will be ready in ten minutes.’
The conversation seemed over, so I trudged upstairs to my room. Mum was always forceful in controlling my worries. I was only fourteen-years-old, yet concerned by adult things. I wondered whether my dad not working and being unable to pay the bills was the last thing on her mind, or the first.
I sat on the edge of my bed and did bicep curls with my weights. Not dumbbells, they were bottles of water. I hoped they worked. I looked in the mirror - a thin boy with a scar down the centre of his forehead stared back.
A car had hit me when I was seven-years-old, chasing a dog into the road. Both of our heads split open although only I survived. I couldn’t remember it. In fact, I couldn’t recall anything before that day which unsettled me. Frank used to joke that they put the dog’s brain back in my head by mistake, and everyone liked me more afterwards. I sometimes dreamt what he said was true.
Concentrating on my breathing, and trying to rid my mind of images of burning oil, bloody clothes, and mangled metal, I failed to notice my brother appear in the doorway. I stopped and braced myself for some verbal abuse.
‘Keep going but slow down. It’s not a race.’
‘Will this make me stronger?’
‘Of course. You need to do press-ups and sit-ups too. Loads of them.’
‘Will it work?’
He paused, then grinned.
‘No, Vinnie. That’s not who you are.’
As he pulled the door shut, I realised that conversation summed up our relationship. I was in awe of him, yet often afraid. For as long as I could remember he had been giving me dead legs and thick ears. He might be cruel, aggressive and dismissive of me, but when things were important, his concern was intermingled with warmth.
I found him consistent, if that sounds possible for someone with such strange values. I liked that. I expected nothing from him so could only be surprised, and I sometimes was. There were worries ahead though, as he had one more year at school. Then, I would be unprotected.
Whereas Frank’s face brooked no argument, mine invited bullying. At a glance, we were similar. Neither of us appeared handsome, despite my parents saying I looked like Elvis Presley. Maybe I did after the drugs and bad advice took hold, or perhaps the day they pulled him off the toilet.
We had the features of film stars, yet they were just not quite in the right place or proportion. This
made him look hard, and me soft. Despite that, only one person had ever hit me at school.
I didn’t even know who he was at that point. I trod on the back of his foot in the tuck shop queue and he elbowed me without turning around, and split my lip. He and his friends then proceeded to make my life a misery for the next few months. He was two years older and a big lad. I tried to dodge them but schools are small places.
However, not much later, I noticed that people were leaving me alone. I never saw that boy again. Even if I looked the other bullies in the eye, they glanced away. I later found out he was called John Victory. You would think great things awaited a boy with a name like that. Instead, he drowned.
This newfound freedom was a mixed gift, I suspect, given by my brother. Although no longer bullied, I struggled to make friends as now the kids were wary, when before, I think most didn’t know I existed.
It seemed sibling life is best explained by the ability to be evil to each other, yet to stick together when threatened. He might inflict physical or mental pain on me but others couldn’t. It would be a theme through our lives. As the years passed by, and childish games were forgotten, his loyalty would be my salvation.
Chapter 2
My mum hollered up the hall.
‘Tea’s ready.’
I’d spent my lunch money on a magazine so raced to the top of the stairs. My brother arrived first, palmed me off, then clattered downwards. Mum waited in the dining room, slowing us up with a disapproving look which hid affection.
We had one of those pull-out tables for our meals. The kind you want to push down on, even though you know they can’t bear the weight. Egg and chips, for the third time that week. She must have been lacking inspiration due to my dad’s demise.
We sat and ate at three different speeds. This was our general approach, not because we were bored by the repetitive fare. My brother wouldn’t have tasted his food, the speed he devoured it. It was just necessary fuel to enable him to get up to mischief. My mother had other things on her mind and dipped the odd chip into a greasy egg yolk. I'd always been steady as she goes.
My mum had left her Reader’s Digest on the table, so I read that and grazed. My problems were temporarily unimportant as I immersed myself in others’ lives, safe in the knowledge my dad wouldn't shout, “None of that while we're eating”. I wasn't to know he'd never do that again, and I would pine for it.
That was perhaps the most important fact about me; I read. All the time and every chance I got. I read whilst doing my weights, swapping the book from side to side. I read before school, at breaks and during lessons if I could get away with it. It was almost like I’d become invisible to the teachers, so I could do what I liked.
My grades were okay at that point, but I was falling behind in maths and science. My general knowledge and vocabulary were vast, yet I was often referred to as an idiot. I knew I could have told my brother when that happened but didn’t as I liked the anonymity my status provided me.
People still struggled to get on with me. I understood this wasn’t normal. However, I thought I was fine with it because I knew what the reasons were. I wanted to immerse myself in books and so didn’t need friends. Why go bowling, or sit in the park, when there's an entire universe at your fingertips in the local library? A packet of sweets, a well-written novel, and my mind was elsewhere. Where I was sitting and who was near me were irrelevant.
I thought books were full of every kind of emotion and action. I loved to read the varieties - madness, perversion, honesty, forgiveness, and the rest, all meshed together. Life, to me, was not how my brother saw it. My world was a million shades of colour. I understood how people were different, and that’s what made us alike.
I also enjoyed surprising people. We had to write a paper on John Steinbeck’s “Of Mice and Men”. Bullying, fear, family and sacrifice. These were my friends. When the teacher passed the marked answers out, there was only one word at the top of mine; ‘Amazing’.
My brother burped and shifted his plate forward.
‘Okay, I’m off out round Billy’s. Don’t wait up.’
Then, he walked away without even a backward glance. I wondered, with a stifled laugh, what my mum would say if I repeated what he’d done. Another stroke like my dad’s, perhaps.
Billy lived in the next street. My dad called him a bruiser - not without some affection. Billy tolerated me, I think, or he had little to say. He had an air of mustiness and my mum often tried to feed him. We saw him infrequently though as he and Frank roamed the streets until late. For what purpose, I'm not sure.
My mum was a stoic woman before disease arrived to dismantle our lives. She had the original stiff upper lip. But, my parents were a pair, all of us a team. I didn’t know what would happen to our unit with a weakened part. For the first time in my life a real rumble of dread ran through me. Like a never-ending goods train.
She took my hand.
‘You’ve always been a good boy, Vincent. No trouble at all. Don’t worry.’
‘Okay, Mum. I won’t.’
She left her unfinished meal and stood up. I breathed in tobacco and tears as she squeezed me from behind, while I sat there frozen, holding my cutlery.
‘Don’t think too much. You're such a ponderer.’
‘I don’t think that’s a word, Mum.’
‘You know what I mean. You’ve always understood me. We’ll get through it as a family.’
I believed her. The first of many mistakes.
Chapter 3
1981 – Age: 15
My dad came home on a cold January morning, six months later. I was in my room reading about dragons. Our council house contained four bedrooms, so my brother and I had our own, and there was even one for guests. Unused, of course. We never had a great deal of money, although I can’t remember wanting for anything.
It was true I had some strange, ill-fitting, second-hand clothes. We did have a car, an old Cortina, but we hadn't ventured abroad like a few of the other kids at school. We enjoyed food and each other. I read books, what else is there?
‘He’s here, Vinnie. Come on.’
‘Just finishing this last page, Frank.’
It surprised me that he waited because he struggled to keep still for a second. I found it hard to maintain concentration on the page and gave up. I was missing something anyway. Despite what I'd heard, I found Anna Karenina exhausting.
I inserted the bookmark, placed the novel on my desk and turned to look at Frank. His eyes moved away from mine, and he swallowed. On my brother's face, for a few seconds, I saw fear. I patted his shoulder, and then he let me go down the stairs first. That morning was never forgotten. Not because what remained of my dad came home, but instead that day our brotherly relationship changed.
We watched as they wheeled him out of the ambulance. He was no longer a big man. I think that’s what scared Frank. He didn’t know how to deal with the changes. Maybe he didn’t even know what questions to ask.
He’d been due out of the hospital months beforehand but had suffered a TIA. I’d learnt that was a mini-stroke and it was a bad sign. He’d been making good progress until then. I’d found it almost interesting. It was as if the body had short-circuited, and we watched as his system righted itself and made new connections. The TIA came when he was still too weak, and it seemed to be more like a bomb had gone off inside him.
As you might imagine, by this point I'd become a dangerous expert, having consumed every piece of reading material on the topic I could get my hands on. The outlook for him was poor. Apart from a weak heart, he was also paralysed down one side, had trouble swallowing and talking, and, perhaps worst of all, he was depressed.
I stepped forward and took the handles of the chair and pushed him around to the rear of our house. My mum had regularly been down the council to get the things she felt we needed. They were reluctant at first but soon realised it was best to give her what she wanted.
Someone from the welfare had arranged for a ramp to be b
uilt so we wouldn't have to lift him over the back step. I wheeled him through the kitchen and straight into the lounge. They removed the internal doors too, so he could fit in each room. My brother flapped around, asking the drivers if they wanted a brew. He made them one as they took my mum into what used to be our dining room to discuss our futures.
In the lounge, I turned the telly on and grinned at my dad. Half of his face smiled back. It was different. He had a glint in his eyes I hadn’t seen since he went to the rehabilitation place. He was pleased to be home.
He’d learnt to communicate with his right hand by pointing, gesturing, and nodding. My mum and I picked it up quickly. After all, there were only so many things he could want.
He would write it down if we didn’t understand. That took ages. His writing was terrible, although my mum said it wasn’t much better beforehand. He wrote ‘hate clean piss’ once when he lay in hospital. It was the smell.
I flicked through the channels, waiting for him to tip his chin. Columbo got a right-handed thumb up.
‘Mum wants you,’ Frank said at the door.
I stood up to leave, and my dad coughed. I turned to him and knew he wanted to show his gratitude and love. So, reaching across him, I gave him a strong reassuring hug. I felt his good arm on my back, light, yet warm. He peered at Frank, who returned his stare for a second, and then they both looked away.
Frank followed me out as though scared to be left alone in there. I suppose knowledge was power. I also saw what troubled him.
My parents were always hugging me. A touch said a thousand words. My mum in particular was tactile. Little Elvis, she called me when I was young due to my natural quiff, and she often tousled it. I doubt most parents have favourites, but I do believe they love their children in different ways. Not more or less, just in the way they interact with them.
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