by Jules Wake
‘Not this week but she’s having a wonderful time. The retreat is up in the mountains. It sounds so beautiful. It’s quite remote though.’
‘Not so remote that she can’t contact you on a ship in the middle of the ocean.’
‘She sent an email, Claire.’
‘Well can you send her one? Because she’s ignoring me. Remind her she has two daughters who are missing her and are a bit confused as to why Mummy hasn’t come back yet!’ Shouting at my mother was always counterproductive and I should have known that by now, but I was so frustrated with her customary defence of Alice.
‘There’s no point getting cross. I’m sure there’s a very good explanation.’
‘Perhaps you can share it, so I could explain things to Poppy and Ava.’
‘Oh,’ I was glad to hear Mum sound chastened. ‘Are they very upset?’
‘Actually,’ I looked around the kitchen at Ava’s pictures on the fridge and Poppy’s schoolbag and PE kit neatly arranged on the kitchen table. ‘They’re okay.’ The three of us were working well together. Our own little team. We were doing okay. The realisation gave me a warm buzz of pride.
‘But Alice needs to get in touch and tell me when she’s coming home. Can you try and call her?
‘Of course, dear, and give those babies a big hug and kiss from Grandma. I do miss them.’
‘Will do, Mum.’
‘Lots of love.’
I hung up and listened carefully as I heard a creak upstairs and then the sound of the toilet being flushed. I put my phone down and began to get the cereal boxes out of the cupboard. The morning routine was about to start. I hoped Alice would call and at least give me an update so I could reassure Poppy and Ava. It would be even nicer if she called and spoke to them herself. Surely, she was missing them?
I picked up a message from the chairman of the Churchstone Harriers, the local running club, as I plonked myself down on my usual bench next to Hilda after my run that morning. Spring was definitely starting to give way to summer and the promise of the sky at five-thirty had delivered a gorgeous bright morning.
‘Oh well, that’s a start,’ I said to Hilda. ‘Charles is hoping to get to the meeting tonight, although he may be a bit late, and he says that a couple of members might turn up as well.’
‘That doesn’t sound too promising,’ said Ash. ‘We need as many people as possible to convince the council there’s local support, otherwise they won’t so much as consider the idea.’ I glanced up at him and frowned; something was different with him today.
‘Well, I’m trying to round up a couple of the old codgers at Sunnyside.’ Hilda drew herself up and inclined her chin his way. ‘Although they do like to watch You’ve Been Framed, which is on at 6.30pm. Trying to drag them to a council meeting when they’ve got the delights of idiot people falling over, inadvertently getting wet and capsizing small boats, might be somewhat of a stretch but I’ll do my best.’ She smiled. ‘There’s always blackmail.’
And I believed her.
‘Fingers crossed we get a few supporters in. If we can’t get permission to use the park there’s nothing more we can do at the moment.’ Now that I was fired up, I was really anxious that the parkrun should take place at Victoria Park. This was an opportunity for the stately old girl to shine.
‘Yes, but once we’ve got it, Thunderbirds are go.’ Hilda punched the air in a very un-Hilda-like gesture before adding with a dreamy smile. ‘I used to know Gerry Anderson.’
I frowned, not having a clue who that was.
‘The creator of the Thunderbirds, dear. And Captain Scarlet. Gosh, Farquhar used to love those programmes. Dear Gerry always said Lady Penelope was loosely based on me.’ She let out a cackle. ‘Of course she wasn’t; he said that to everyone. It was his wife Sylvia, really, but Parker was definitely my driver to a T.’
‘You had a driver?’ asked Ash.
‘Only while I worked for MI6. He used to take me to Downing Street for security briefings. Although I shouldn’t be telling you any of this. Official Secrets Act and all that.’
Ash caught my eye and that familiar eyebrow winged upwards and we shared a brief smile. My heart did a sideways wobble at the unexpected warmth of his expression. I knew it was born of a fondness for Hilda but it brought me a little bubble of happiness.
‘And I want to enlist your help, the pair of you. I’ve decided to move back into my house.’
Before either of us could respond to this, my phone began to vibrate in the depths of my leggings pocket.
‘It’s Alice,’ I said once I’d wriggled it out and with hasty, stabby hands tried to swipe the screen.
‘Alice!’ I stood up and walked away from the bench towards one of the flower beds filled with the pom-pom heads of dark pink peonies. ‘Where are you? Are you okay?’
‘Still in India.’
‘Couldn’t you get a flight back? Do you need some help? Are you all right for money?’
‘I’m not coming back.’ Defiance and a touch of I-dare-you-to-say-anything rang in her voice.
It took me a moment to add up the sum total of words.
‘What?’
‘I can’t do it.’
‘What are you talking about, Alice? Why can’t you come back? I don’t understand.’
‘Of course, you don’t. You’ve got everything you want. Your life has all gone to plan. You’ve got it all. Career. Own home. What have I got? Leftover crumbs from you and Mum and Dad. Stuck at home. Mouldering into nothingness. I’m a non-person. A mother. And a single one at that. A nothing.’
‘That’s not true,’ I protested, feeling the sinuous slide of guilt slither through me.
‘Yes, it is. I know what people think of me. You. Mum. Dad. “Poor Alice. She doesn’t even work.” I have no purpose. Whereas here, I feel alive, in touch with myself. Free. The thought of being back in suburbia with the same dull routine, it kills me. I realise now I was being suffocated. If I stay here, I could become a yoga teacher or something.’ The latter point was made with a touch of challenge.
‘But what about Poppy and Ava? You have to come back.’
‘Don’t you dare make me feel guilty. This is about me. What I need. This is my time. I’m growing as a person every moment I’m here. Spiritually, I’m re-awakening, feeling the life-force. I think I’ve been half dead for most of my life.’
‘Alice, you can’t just abandon them! Who’s going to look after them?’
‘I’m not abandoning them. Don’t bring it down to your simplistic terms. Perhaps I’ll be freeing them, allowing them to live. I need to breathe, to be free of the yoke of motherhood.’
‘What about what they need? They need their mother.’
‘I can’t be a mother at the moment.’
‘Alice, you can’t just stay. And you can’t say that. You have responsibilities.’
‘I knew you wouldn’t understand.’ She managed to sound both plaintive and accusing at the same time and it twisted something in my gut.
I sighed, realising I needed to tread carefully. ‘Alice, I know it’s probably wonderful there but you can’t stay; it’s not real life. Ava and Poppy need you.’
‘I know you think they do but really they don’t. Children are more resilient than you realise. They’ll be fine. Mum and Dad will be home soon. And it’s not forever… I just need more time.’
‘But you… you can’t.’ I pictured Poppy’s solemn, narrow face and Ava’s trusting, big blue eyes and it felt as if someone had punched me in the stomach.
Fear spiked through me as it suddenly dawned on me that she was completely serious and that no matter what I said, she wasn’t going to listen and there was nothing I could do about it.
‘Alice, please, think of Poppy and Ava. They’ll be so upset.’
‘I can’t think like that. It will crush me. I’ve put them first all my life. Don’t put pressure on me. Jon says my spirit is fragile and I need to fly. I have to do this, Claire.’
And with that she hung
up.
I stared with dismay at my phone and at first tried to call her back but I disconnected the call. It was a waste of time; she probably wouldn’t answer. I tried to stifle the sudden wave of panic and the uncomfortable tightness in my chest. What was I going to tell Poppy and Ava? How did you tell a child her mother had turned her back on her? How was I going to manage their heartbreak? Heat stained my cheeks as a small, rapidly growing ball of fury ignited. Both Ash and Hilda were looking at me.
‘What’s wrong?’ she asked. ‘Has something happened to Alice?’
‘You could say that.’ I ground the words out through gritted teeth. ‘She’s gone stark staring mad.’ I pushed harried hands through my hair and tugged at my ponytail, stifling the urge to punch something. ‘Basically, she’s doing a runner. She’s not coming back.’
‘Fuck,’ breathed Ash. ‘That’s…’
‘How extraordinary,’ said Hilda, her forehead concertinaing into a dozen furrows. ‘I freely admit I probably wouldn’t have won any mother-of-the-year awards…’ Her mouth turned downwards. ‘Something I regret now, but I would never have waltzed off and abandoned all responsibility. Surely she’s coming back eventually?’
‘I’ve no idea. I don’t think she knows.’
‘What will you do?’ asked Ash.
‘What can I do?’ They would have to stay with me at least until Mum and Dad came back. And Alice had to be back by then, surely.
‘Those poor, gorgeous girls… What on earth are you going to tell them?’
I bit my lip hard as I took a couple of steps towards the bench and then wheeled away before turning back again. What was I going to tell them? Where did I even start? How did you tell a ten and a six-year-old that their mother had had enough of them, which was the stark reality of the matter? Could I lie and tell them she’d had a nervous breakdown? That she was ill? Nausea burned at the back of my throat. Alice had always been a free spirit but I’d never thought she’d do something like this.
‘What do I tell them?’ I turned bleak eyes to Hilda and lifted my shoulders in hopeless defeat. ‘What a mess.’
‘It is,’ agreed Hilda, before surprising me by adding, ‘And poor Alice.’
‘Poor Alice?’ I echoed in disbelief.
‘I’m sure she hasn’t come to this decision lightly. She’s been putting off calling you for the last few days. You should be proud of yourself for helping her. You gave her a rescue package and she’s seized it with both hands. She’ll come around eventually; you just need to give her time.’
I stared at Hilda, still too furious with Alice to raise the least bit of sympathy for my selfish, thoughtless sister.
Hilda smiled at me. ‘I know. I know. You think she’s selfish and thoughtless. It’s written all over your face. But there are always two sides to every story. Perhaps she’s just not cut out to be a mother. She was very young when she had Poppy. Maybe she does need a break and some contemplative time.’
It was a pinprick in my balloon of fury, letting some of it leak away so I wasn’t about to explode but I still didn’t buy it. Yes, Alice had had it tough over the last few years but she’d been supported by our parents, and by me to a lesser extent.
‘You’ll have to go the meeting without me,’ announced Hilda. ‘I’ll be on babysitting duty.’
‘Oh, Hilda, you don’t need to do that.’
‘I think we need to show the girls that there are people around who they can count on, don’t you? Especially with their grandparents being away at the same time. And being purely practical, dear, someone has to and you’ve already made the contact with the Harriers chap and the Blenkinsop man.’ She broke off before musing, ‘Hmm, I used to know a Harry Blenkinsop. Lived on Church Street. Not a particularly common name.’
‘It would be quite handy for me,’ said Ash.
‘Oh well that’s just dandy,’ I snapped wanting to lash out at someone. ‘I’m glad someone’s pleased.’
‘I meant,’ his eyes flashed with exasperation, ‘I could leave Bill with Hilda and the girls this evening while we’re at the meeting. That will cheer Poppy up. I don’t like leaving him for too long and I’ve…’ He paused with the sort of shifty expression that left you in no doubt that he was up to something that he didn’t want us to know about. ‘I’ll be out,’ he glanced away, ‘for the rest of today.’
‘Where are you off to?’ asked Hilda, completely ignoring his obvious body language, the fidgeting, fixed gaze on the dog’s ears and him tugging at his beard.
On any other occasion I might have laughed at Ash’s indignant frown. ‘Into Leeds.’
‘What for?’
Hilda had no shame and I loved her for it.
‘Never you mind,’ snapped Ash with a flash of the old, superior arrogance. He rose with fluid grace. ‘I’ll meet you at Claire’s house with Bill this evening at six.’
‘Excellent idea,’ said Hilda before I could speak. ‘I’ll cook dinner for Poppy and Ava. I think I’ll do my famous French toast and bacon. Have you got any maple syrup, Claire?’
‘See you later.’ And with that, Ash walked quickly away. I watched him go, not sure if the hollow leaden feeling in my chest came from feeling cheated of the Ash I’d once known or my sister’s bombshell. What I did know was that the main thing I needed to focus on was what the hell I was going to tell the girls.
Chapter Twenty-Two
‘Come on, you.’ Hilda hauled herself to her feet. ‘We need cake and neat espresso, preferably with a vodka chaser. Although I doubt Sascha serves alcohol at this hour.’
We found a spot in The Friendly Bean on the veranda at the front where bistro tables and chairs were set up facing towards the bandstand and the formal gardens. ‘I’ll get these,’ said Hilda. ‘You sit there.’
‘Don’t be silly,’ I said, although, to be honest, my legs were a little wobbly and I was grateful to collapse onto one of the chairs.
‘Claire, you buy my coffee every day, you feed me at your house, and…’
‘And you’ve just donated three thousand pounds.’
‘That’s for the community, not you.’ Her haughty Lady Bracknell rebuff brought a sorry smile to my face. So I sat and did as I was told, nibbling at my thumbnail and studying the splodges of colour in the distance. The municipal nursery men had been busy laying out bright flowers in uniform bursts of colour – red geraniums, orange nasturtiums and yellow marigolds interspersed with borders of white petunias.
I focused on them, the colours and shapes blurring as my eyes filled with tears. Poppy was going to be the hardest hit. She was so bright and intelligent. Ava would be loud and angry and easily distracted. It was Poppy I worried about. What on earth was Alice thinking? If she was even thinking.
‘Coffee’s on its way.’ Hilda announced, putting down two plates each filled with an enormous slice of coffee and walnut cake. I wasn’t sure I could eat a single mouthful. ‘Well, this is a proper pickle.’
‘That’s one way of putting it.’ I picked up a fork and poked at the cake, taking a tiny bit of buttercream and nibbling at it. Mmm, the comforting taste of sugar settled on my tongue. Sometimes only cake will do. I scooped up a forkful of dark sponge. Sascha’s sister had a very light hand with sponge; it was moist with just the right amount of coffee flavour. For a moment, I closed my eyes and focused on the taste and fine texture. Before I knew it, I was slicing off another piece as Hilda watched approvingly. She sat and watched as I chomped my way through the cake almost meditatively, my mind on each mouthful and the bitter, sweet flavours that eased their way across my tongue.
‘Better? I always think good cake helps us reset things for a minute.’
With a half laugh I nodded. ‘Funnily enough, I do feel a bit better.’
‘Good. Now, what do you think we should tell the girls?’ She looked at me steadily over the fork and inside I melted just a little.
‘You don’t need to do that, Hilda.’
‘No, I don’t, but I think it might help. A united fro
nt and all that.’
‘It’s Poppy I worry about the most. She’s not stupid. Anything I say, she’ll question.’
‘Perhaps the truth? Mum’s had a bit of a breakdown and needs to stay away longer to get better.’
‘But then she’ll worry about her Mum… and quite frankly, bloody Alice does not deserve to have Poppy worry about her. God, I could kill her!’ I stabbed at a few loose crumbs on the plate and almost shattered it.
‘Probably why she’s staying put…’ Hilda gave me an irrepressible grin, leaning forward and taking the fork out of my hand with exaggerated care.
‘Armed and dangerous with a pastry fork.’ I shook my head ruefully. ‘I can’t think of anything that isn’t going to upset Poppy and Ava.’
‘She’s got chicken pox and has to be quarantined.’
‘They both had it and I remember Poppy asking why Alice and I didn’t get it. We both had it when we were children.’
‘What if she’s trapped by a landslide up a remote mountain, there’s only bridge over a ravine, and it’s been destroyed.’
‘It sounds very Indiana Jones but… reasonably plausible.’
‘And she’s staying to help rebuild the local school which was destroyed in the landslide.’
‘Steady on, she’s not Mother Teresa. I think that’s pushing it a little. But you’re probably right; if it sounds as if she’s doing something noble to help other people, it will come across a lot better.’
‘I was always good at coming up with cover stories.’ She rested her hands on the table with a complacent air and gazed off into the distance as if remembering past glories.
‘Bill, Bill.’ Poppy knelt down and threw her arms around him as he bounded into the kitchen with a perky trot, sure as always of his welcome, followed by Ash, who had an equally perky trot. I stared at him for a minute, trying to work out what was different, but then turned back to the more pressing worry about Poppy. Bill tilted his tufty head, one ear cocked, and nuzzled into her neck rather than his usual playful greeting of nudging at her knees and sitting quietly, as if he knew exactly how she was feeling. I swallowed back a tear feeling terribly, terribly guilty. Ava’s disappointment in her mother’s delayed return had been simple and quick, easy tears and breathy sobs before she was distracted with cuddles and false positivity.
