by Jules Wake
I was still on a high. After counting up all the people who had signed up last night, we had over forty volunteers.
Unfortunately, Poppy wasn’t that easily distracted and I could almost feel her weighing up the next question.
‘He likes you.’ It was said with a tiny bit of accusation.
‘He likes Hilda.’ I carried on applying my make‐up, refusing to make eye contact with the hard stare I could see in my peripheral vision. ‘He likes you. He likes Ava.’
‘You know what I mean. He watches you when he thinks no one else is looking. Don’t you like him?’
‘He’s my friend. Of course I like him.’
She let out a heavy sigh and kicked her legs restlessly against the duvet. ‘I’m not a baby. I know how things work. We’ve had our sex-education lessons. I know what sex is.’
What do I say to that? Yeah, okay, I can’t wait to jump his bones. Somehow, I was pretty sure it was not the done thing to admit to a ten-year-old that sex had been on my mind quite a lot for the last few days.
‘That’s a big jump,’ I said. ‘Ash and I are going out to dinner.’
‘Mummy had a boyfriend.’
‘Did she?’ I turned in surprise.
Poppy wrinkled her face. ‘Yeah, he was called Jonathon. He smelled funny. They used to do yoga together and she texted him all the time.’
Jon, Jonathon. Suddenly, a few things dropped into place. Wasn’t he the guy that had invited her to the retreat?
I watched as she rolled off the bed and ambled out of my room. As soon as she was out of sight, I quickly opened the dressing-table drawers. A set of black lingerie lay on top of my pile of underwear in readiness… long-overdue readiness. I’d it bought online the Sunday I’d left Ash’s flat. Checking the door, I pulled it shut, praying she didn’t come back. Since the packed lunch breakthrough – she’d made lunch every day for me – Poppy had been like a faithful shadow, and often, as I’d been working at the kitchen table this week while she watched Hollyoaks, I would find her thoughtful gaze on me.
The lingerie whispered across my skin as I slipped it on, deliciously decadent, reminding me that I was an adult again. No responsibilities for the next twelve hours. Hilda was staying over so I didn’t have to come home until the wee small hours. And until then, I had no one else to worry about but me. No one to judge me. No one to please but me.
I stared at myself in the mirror. Was this how Alice felt? I bit my lip suddenly, realising how she must have felt. I would never condone what she’d done but for that brief moment, I almost understood.
But I wasn’t going to feel guilty about Alice.
Tonight was my night. It felt as if I had this one illicit window that gave me permission to cram in as much as I possibly could.
And that meant sex. Sex with Ashwin Laghari. He was, I’d discovered in the last twenty-four hours, the master of flirty, innuendo-laden texting.
With a little shiver of anticipation, I pulled out the new little black dress that I’d also ordered online and had delivered to the office. I’d wanted to wear the same outfit as I had on our first date but unfortunately it was too big. The weight I’d lost had come back on but I felt fitter and a lot healthier, which was probably down to new muscle tone developed by all the running.
Ash was bringing Hilda over at seven-fifteen… I glanced at my watch. Oh God, in exactly six minutes’ time. All the butterflies in my stomach rose as one and I almost gasped with sheer excitement.
‘So, come on, tell me. How did the interview go?’
Ash’s eyes glowed with sudden superiority. ‘Well done. You kept it in for…’ he lengthened his arm to pull his watch out from beneath his shirt sleeve, ‘…sixteen minutes and nine seconds.’
‘Or I could pretend not to be interested at all,’ I said, and we were right back to the crossfire of the first date when we had played with each other, trying to work out who had the upper hand. I smiled at the memory. At the time we’d come out on a level playing field.
Tonight we were at the same table and I was pretty sure it was by design. The waiter had already taken our orders and brought over an expensive bottle of Chablis. Ash had dressed up – a dark grey shirt with black wool trousers rather than the nonchalant, devil-may-care T-shirt and black jeans he’d worn the first time we’d gone out – as if this time he was making an effort.
Rearranging my cutlery, I avoided looking his way for a moment but eventually, as the silence grew, I lifted my head. The satisfied glow in his eyes had intensified and he was all predatory tiger once again.
‘You got the job.’
With a nod, he picked up his glass and lifted it in toast to me. ‘I was offered the job. The formal confirmation came through this morning.’
‘And… are you going to take it or wait for the other interview?’
With a quick frown, full of thought, he paused. ‘I’ve never been a great believer in gut instinct… but this feels right. I liked the guy that interviewed me. I like the company culture. There was something about the place.’
‘Don’t they say that gut instinct is our sixth sense, a primeval ability that we’ve overlooked as we’ve developed?’
‘Would you take a job on instinct?’
‘Hard to say. I’ve been with Cunningham, Wilding and Taylor for ten years; I can’t imagine going anywhere else.’ I’d always liked being there but now I wasn’t so sure. I didn’t wake up itching to get to work anymore. My focus, for so long, had been on the next promotion. Even when I’d been signed off, the goal had been to get all my ducks lined back up as quickly as possible. Ash looked excited and animated about his new job and the new direction he was taking. I felt a touch of envy.
‘I really liked the people. It’s a very different environment to what I’m used to. The old dog-eat-dog. This is… well, it seemed almost like a family. They genuinely liked each other… I met the board. There didn’t seem to be any jockeying for position.’
‘Maybe they were on their best behaviour.’
Ash shook his head. ‘No, I don’t think they were… there was more.’
‘You might as well go for the other interview, though. No?’
‘I feel like being rash. Taking a risk. Going with my gut.’
‘You’ve changed.’
‘You think? Losing my job made me reassess a lot of things. Including relationships. They always came bottom of my pile before.’
‘Oh.’ His words made me feel nervous.
‘I never allowed them to take up much space in my life. I could only allocate so much time for dates and invariably girls got pissed off. You were the first girl I dated who didn’t mind that I wasn’t prepared to see you for nearly two weeks.’
‘Probably because I was too busy. I’m not much of a bet now with two kids in tow.’
Ash reached over for my hand. ‘Yes, but that’s not for ever is it? One day you’ll be footloose and fancy free. And then we can enjoy ourselves.’ He let out a rueful half-laugh. ‘Although I think we might be stuck with Hilda.’
‘Where would we be without Hilda?’ I said.
‘I’d still be a pathetic wreck, feeling sorry for myself and possibly drinking my way into oblivion. I’ll never forget that first run she dragged me on… I threw up at the end and she told me off for being so unfit and out of shape and for letting my body down. Not one word about pulling myself together. She’s a wise old owl. She focused on the physical, knowing it would help my mental state.’
‘Same with me. Gentle advice and suggestions all the time, or browbeating us into doing her bidding which miraculously helps with other things,’ I said as the waiter appeared with two steaming plates of pasta. Seafood linguine for me and spaghetti carbonara for Ash. ‘Mmm, that smells gorgeous.’
‘Sure you don’t want a dessert?’ asked Ash as the waiter cleared away our plates, exchanging a look laden with intent. We both knew that dessert of an entirely different sort was on the table. We’d been building up to tonight ever since he’d asked me
for dinner. Now, almost by tacit understanding, the wait was worth taking the time to enjoy. Tonight there was no hurry; the prize was in sight and not an obstacle in our way. I think we were both savouring the anticipation.
‘Yes,’ I murmured as his fingers entwined with mine, giving them a gentle squeeze. ‘Another thing we owe Hilda for.’ I thought of her possibly already tucked up in my spare bedroom in the bed Ava and Poppy had once shared.
‘We owe her big time,’ he agreed.
‘I’d like to do something nice for her. I was thinking about inviting her to come away for a few days in the summer with me and the girls. Somewhere by the sea.’
‘You think they’ll still be with you, by then?’
‘I was thinking that even if they weren’t, it would be nice to take them on holiday. I’ve kind of got used to them being around.’ I tried to make it sound humorous but the thought of my house without the girls made my stomach hurt.
‘That’s a lovely idea,’ he said softly. His thumb rubbed over mine. ‘If you’re inviting Hilda, have you got room for one more?’
‘You want to come on holiday with us?’ I smiled. ‘Really?’ Once upon a time, I bet sophisticated Ashwin Laghari would not have been seen dead with a bucket and spade, two little girls and an elderly lady in tow. How times had changed.
‘Why not? I like the kids. I like Hilda. Especially now I’ve convinced myself she was once a spy. And you’re all right.’
‘Thanks.’ I acknowledged the barely-there compliment with a wry twist to my mouth. ‘But what about your mates? Don’t you have anyone you want to go away with it? Don’t you have mates who have palatial pads?’
‘No one I’d rather spend time with than you.’
Ash tossed his hair, making me smile. I really did prefer his longer hair and the way it softened the sharp angles of his face.
Now I’d started thinking about it, I really liked the idea.
‘Where do you fancy? Devon? Cornwall?’
‘Don’t know either particularly well. I’ll leave it to you. I’m very good at carrying suitcases. And navigating. Although we might have to hire a car because I’m not sure where we’d put Bill.’
It all sounded very domesticated and I giggled unexpectedly. ‘None of this sounds like Ashwin Laghari, International Arms Dealer.’
He grinned. ‘I promise you, it’s an awful lot better than being Hilda’s shopping bitch.’
‘What?’ I stuttered and almost spat out my wine. ‘Seriously?’
He grinned at me and pulled my hand to his mouth giving it a quick familiar kiss on the knuckles as if we’d been going out for years. ‘Hilda’s commandeered me to take her on a shopping expedition. She wants me to take her to Leeds because I mentioned I needed to buy a new suit. I start work the week after next.’
‘I hope you’re going to Marks & Spencer,’ I said, suddenly prim.
He burst out laughing. ‘Well, the Armani doesn’t fit anymore and the dry cleaners never did get those stains out. I was thinking Hugo Boss perhaps. My waist size has gone down a bit.’
‘All that running.’
‘And not going to bars and drinking overpriced fizzy beer.’
‘I can’t even remember what a wine bar is like.’
‘Want me to take you to one?’ The predatory gleam was back and there was a more than pregnant pause as he held my gaze. I caught my breath. Was it obvious that the only thought searing through my brain was, just take me to bed. I shook my head saying regretfully, ‘We sound terribly grown up.’
‘Do you mind?’
‘No,’ I said with a touch of sadness. ‘Yes. Sometimes. My life has changed dramatically in the last few months and it’s hard work with the girls but… I love them both and it’s not like it’s for ever.’ I looked at him, the touch of his fingers sending gentle vibrations through my nerve endings. Desire ran through me as I thought of the silk lingerie under my clothes. ‘We’ve got tonight.’
‘We do.’ His eyes narrowed as they swept over me, appreciation and something much darker in them.
‘Would you like a digestif? Sambuca? Cointreau? Tia Maria?’ The discreet waiter loitered, waiting for an answer.
Ash’s eyes darted to mine in silent question, his fingers stroking the underside of my wrist, sending little tremors of awareness fizzing along my skin. I stared back at him and gave a tiny nod. He knew I wasn’t referring to the drinks.
‘I think we’d just like the bill,’ said Ash with regal aplomb, which was commendable when any second now we were both going to bolt from the restaurant and burst into a run down the street back to his apartment. Either or both of us might spontaneously combust from sheer lust on the way.
Just as I shrugged my way into my coat, my mobile phone rang. Ash raised an eyebrow.
‘Oh, crap.’ Reluctantly, I glanced at the screen. Hilda’s name flashed on the screen. I pulled a face.
‘It’s Hilda. I hope the girls aren’t playing up.’
‘Or she’s unwell,’ suggested Ash, concern clouding his expression.
‘Hey, Hilda,’ I answered.
‘Claire, I’m really sorry,’ Hilda’s voice was laden with apology. ‘I’m really sorry… I wouldn’t have called but…’ Immediately a dozen panicked thoughts raced through my head. Hilda wasn’t feeling well, she needed to call an ambulance, there was an intruder, she’d lost power… they went on and on.
‘Are you okay? Is everything all right at the house?’
‘I’m fine. It’s not me. It’s… Poppy.’
‘Poppy!’ I had wondered if Ava might be a bit unsettled. She was still a regular visitor to my bed and I had worried that she might wake up in the night and be scared if I wasn’t there. But Poppy was always so sure of herself and determinedly grown-up.
‘Oh God, what’s she done?’ She normally behaved herself with Hilda; they got on well.
‘She’s not done anything… not naughty.’
‘What’s wrong with her? Is she ill?’
‘No, she’s just very… she won’t stop crying and asking for you. I’m sorry, I really didn’t want to disturb you but she’s really not herself. I’ve tried but… it’s just not like her. She’s beside herself.’
‘Oh, bless her. She’s been a bit…’ Un-Poppy-like was the only way I could describe it. ‘Well, she hasn’t been right all this week. We’re just leaving the restaurant; I’ll be right there. Do you want me to talk to her now?’
‘No, I sneaked out. She’s in the lounge. I’ll just tell her you’re on your way back.’
I sent an apologetic grimace Ash’s way as I tucked the phone back in my pocket. ‘Sorry Poppy’s…’
He squeezed my hand. ‘It’s okay. I get it. It’s not like Poppy; there’s something wrong.’
‘She’s been funny all week. One minute really stroppy and the next almost glued to my side. I can’t even go to the loo without her suddenly appearing by the door when I come out.’
‘Sounds like some sort of separation anxiety. Especially if you haven’t been able to speak to Alice all week.’
‘Dr Laghari, I presume.’ I smiled at him. ‘But it sounds entirely plausible.’
‘Comes of growing up with a medical professional. I remember my sister when she was doing a stint in paediatrics specialising in mental health. There was a girl in there who wouldn’t go to school. Her mother had been ill and was recuperating at home. The child was terrified her mother would go back into hospital and leave her.’
‘Thinking back over some of the things Poppy had been saying this week, that would make a lot of sense. I thought I’d reassured her but obviously not. God, just when I think I’m getting the hang of this parenting lark, it all goes tits up again. I’m a bit worried what the school might say when they finally realise that Alice still isn’t back. I’ve no idea what the legal position is with the girls.’ I tugged at my lip. ‘What if social services take them away?’
‘They’re not going to do that, Claire.’ He put his arm round me. ‘Come on, let�
��s go and reassure her now. I’ll take Cinders back.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Me too, but…’ He shot me a wicked grin. ‘That lingerie doesn’t have an expiry date, does it?’
I folded my arms. ‘What lingerie?’
He looked smug.
Goaded, I asked, ‘Who says I’m wearing any?’
‘Tell me you’re not.’
‘You’re such a cocky git.’
‘I know. You love it.’
No, I love you.
The sudden thought took my breath away. No! That wasn’t part of the plan. When I’d first met him, it had been a game. A challenge for both of us. Each of us vying for top-dog spot. Then it had never even occurred to me that things would last with Ash. He was too dangerous, too much of a flight risk. Somehow, over the last few months, he’d become much more approachable and less brittle. He’d become lovable.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
As soon as I walked into the living room, Poppy, curled up at one end of the sofa with her arms around Bill, began to cry inconsolably.
My heart almost burst at the sight of her distress.
‘Poppy, Poppy, darling, whatever is the matter?’ Within seconds, I was on the sofa beside her, scooping her up into my arms, while Hilda and Ash stood in the doorway.
Weeping, she clung to me, her arms tight around my neck, her words incoherent. There was nothing I could do but stroke her back, murmur words of reassurance and wait for the storm to pass. Hilda and Ash crept away and I could hear their low voices disappear to the kitchen.
With Poppy settled on my lap, her wet face cuddled into my neck, I spoke softly to her, my heart aching at her anguish, holding her tight as if that might keep the demons at bay.
‘Poppy, darling. It’s okay. You’re okay.’ I kept whispering words of comfort and eventually she calmed, her sobs subsiding in little snuffly hiccoughs and her arms releasing the death grip around my neck.
All I could do was hold her, make her feel safe, and wait until she could tell me what was wrong, all the while dropping kisses on the top of her head. Finally, she looked up at me, her eyes filled with heart‐breaking sadness and her cheeks tear‐stained and mottled.
