She didn’t understand, not at all, and I didn’t want to explain it to her. She didn’t understand the depth of my fear of commitment, my fear of love. The way my stomach turned in knots at the thought of losing her, which is why I couldn’t have her in the first place. I didn’t want anyone in my life who had the power to reach into my chest and rip out my heart, and she had that power. Therefore, I didn’t want her anymore.
But I wanted her. Oh God.
I dreamed of her at night, of her body pressing against mine, her urgent little moans and sighs. I told myself I only needed time and distance, and I’d be able to look at her like I looked at other women, as a body to use, as a pretty ornament to decorate my play room on the weekends. Until that time, I had to avoid her. I needed space.
I forced my attention back to my stepmom’s cheerful conversation, and then my dad and I talked about work. I could always distract myself with work. I threw myself into the discussion about recent dramas, new hires, and possible expansion.
“By the way,” said my father, “how is your dancer friend? The one with the security threat?”
“Oh, my,” Abby murmured. “Not Fernando?”
I shook my head and tried to answer in a normal voice. “There was another dancer I met. A woman.”
“She had some problems, I seem to remember,” my dad said. “Did everything turn out all right?”
I couldn’t tell if my father was yanking my chain or making casual conversation. Any mention of Ashleigh and my brain went haywire. I picked apart layers of lasagna.
“Yes, she’s fine. Her, uh, issues have been resolved.”
“I’m glad to hear it.”
“Yes, that’s good,” my stepmom said. “And how is your friend Fernando? I think I read in a City Ballet article that he’s dipping his toes into choreography. That he’s working on an original piece?”
“Yes. Ironically, he’s doing it with that same dancer who was…having some trouble. But she isn’t anymore, so yeah, everything’s fine all around.”
Except me. I’m not fine. I’m in love and I don’t know how to deal with it. I can’t fucking sleep at night and I don’t know if I can survive seeing her again.
I didn’t say that out loud, but my father was studying me with his usual hyper-perception. I avoided his gaze and picked up an asparagus spear, twirling it in front of me. This would pass. All of this would pass. One thing I’d learned through doing BDSM…even the worst pain and agony eventually faded away.
*** *** ***
Rubio snapped his fingers in my face.
“Where are you, girl? Earth to Ash-lee.” He walked over to switch off the rehearsal music, then returned to me, leaning down to peer into my eyes. “You okay? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
“Then I need you. Focus.” With his accent, “focus” sounded like “fuck us.” I hung my head because he was right, I was out of focus. I was dancing in a haze. “Is now March,” he reminded me. “We debut this in April. That’s next month.”
“I know,” I said, avoiding his concerned gaze. “I know the steps. I just zoned for a minute.”
“Zoned? What is this? I don’t like it.” He put an arm around my head and pretended to choke me, pulling faces. “You feeling sad? Whut? Other dancers still giving you mean looks?”
“No, that’s died down. Everything’s fine, Ruby.” Everything but my aching heart. I forced a smile but I didn’t think he was fooled. Over the course of our deepening partnership, he’d developed a disconcerting ability to read my moods.
“Hey,” he said. “Why don’t you come to the party tomorrow at Liam’s? Relax and have fun.” He let go of my neck and slid a hand down to my boob. “When I get to see you naked? In chains?”
“You are never going to see that,” I said, pushing his paws away.
“You let me whip you? Please? I’ll do it so I don’t draw blood. I’ll just make little marks on your back. Whip kisses.”
“You know what? There is zero chance of that happening.”
He came to stand behind me, making whipping motions and fake “whi-pshhh” sounds.
I talked over him, looking in the mirror. “Hey, does Liam ever say anything to you about me?”
“Say anything? Like what?”
“Just, whatever. Do you guys ever talk about me?”
“Sure,” he said. Then, “No, never.”
I turned to look at him. “Which it it?”
He stood frozen, his imaginary whip mid-crack. “It’s no. No. We never talk about you.”
“Does he talk about other girls?”
Rubio made a face. “I’m not going to do this conversation. I don’t want to be in your drama. We have to rehearse, yeah?” He gripped my waist, hauling me around in a lift we’d practiced approximately a thousand times. He set me down with his mouth by my ear. “I told you to be careful. I warned you.”
I pulled away from him and brushed a hand over my messy bun. “Forget it,” I said. “Me and Liam just had some weirdness between us last time we were together.”
“He put his cock in your asshole, huh?”
“What? No. It’s just… Forget it. It’s cool.”
His expression brightened. “Hey, you know what, Ash-lee? I thought of the name for the ballet.”
“Awesome. What is it?”
“Waking Kiss.”
“Naked Kiss?” I still had trouble with his accent sometimes.
“Waking Kiss,” he said, laughing. “Like to wake up. I get the idea from Sleeping Beauty ballet. You know, that moment when she sleeps in her fancy bed?”
Yes, I knew that moment. I had the fancy bed.
“And the prince comes,” said Rubio. “And when I perform, I wonder what she dream of, you know? And in that moment when she wakes, does the world seem new again? People sleep, Ash-lee. They don’t feel. They don’t understand.” He spread his hands. “Nothing. But sometimes someone comes with a kiss. You know, a real kiss or…a word or an inspiration.” He looked into my eyes, holding my gaze. “Something new to wake them up from a—a long, lonely sleep. Waking Kiss. This ballet is about coming awake again. New beginnings. You think it’s a good idea?”
Coming awake again. He was describing me. I’d been doing a dance about my experiences with Liam and I hadn’t even known it. “We don’t kiss in the ballet,” I said, staring past his shoulder.
He shrugged. “We could add a kiss somewhere. Maybe. Why must it be so literal? Sometimes what wakes you is not a kiss. It is a vision or an action. A feeling.” He leaned down and stared at me with uncharacteristic gravity. “A person you meet, who changes you some way.”
Like Liam Wilder. Memories of his smiles and his warmth flooded me.
“You just don’t want to kiss me,” I teased. If I didn’t tease him I’d start to cry.
“I kiss you, maybe in the first arabesque.” He grabbed me, silly Rubio again. We did the opening combination, but he added a clumsy, cartoonish kiss halfway through.
“Stop,” I said. “Eww. Too much tongue.”
At that he grabbed my face and started licking my cheek and ear while I shrieked for mercy. When I tried to dance away from him he caught me and pulled me off balance. We both went stumbling sideways across the studio, howling with laughter. Then we noticed a third person reflected in the mirror.
Liam stood in the door, my memories made real, only he wasn’t smiling. Rubio let go of me and took a couple steps away.
“I heard you screaming,” Liam said, his eyes fixed on me.
“Heard me screaming from where?”
“Down the hall.”
“I didn’t know you were here.” I looked over at Rubio. He seemed very interested in the floor. “Are you and Ruby headed out together tonight? To party?” I couldn’t quite keep the irritation from my voice.
Liam leaned against the door frame. “I didn’t come here to see him. I was looking for you. So, is that the new ballet you two were rehearsing? It looks pretty ragged to me.�
�
Rubio grinned at him, but it was a forced grin. “We were only playing around. We have to…” He shrugged and rubbed a hand across his forehead. “I think we add a kiss in somewhere. We were practicing.”
“Yes, I saw.”
I narrowed my eyes at Liam. “You’re not jealous, are you? Of a fake ballet kiss?”
“I’m not jealous.”
“Then why are you using that voice?”
He looked at Rubio again and something vicious flitted across his expression, only to be quickly cloaked. “You know what? You two go at it. Have fun.” He turned to leave in a huff, like I was the biggest bitch on earth for rehearsing with my partner. He was the one who couldn’t make time to see me all last week. I took off after him.
“What the fuck?” I asked. “‘You two go at it.’ Really? What are you insinuating?”
He barely turned to me. “I’m not insinuating anything.”
“Me and Rubio are artists. We work together. I never had his slimy lips on me before tonight. Before three minutes ago.”
“Hey!” Rubio trailed us down the hall. We all came to a stop outside his dressing room. “I don’t have slimy lips,” Ruby said, scowling at me. He jabbed a finger at Liam. “And why you care what he thinks, Ash-lee? You’re not a couple.”
Liam jabbed a finger back at Rubio. “Whether or not we’re a couple is none of your fucking business.”
“It’s my business because she’s my friend,” he shot back.
“Oh, she’s your friend? Really?”
“He’s a better friend than you are,” I said, interrupting Liam. “He doesn’t lie to me.”
“When did I lie to you?”
“Several times lately.”
“Name one. One lie.”
“How about ‘ooh, something came up at work. I have to get back.’”
“You think I made that up? Something did come up at work, a shitload of trouble with one of our government-contracted agents in D.C.” He turned to Rubio. “You started all this. You told her I don’t have relationships, that I’m a player. You spilled all your warnings in her ears.”
“You are a player!” Rubio said.
Liam looked back at me. “And you! You judge me based on things he’s said about me, most of which probably aren’t true.”
“No,” I said. “I judge you based on the way you act. But I agreed to your terms. That’s not the issue here. The issue is that you don’t have the right to come in here and give me the mean-disgusted-face because I’m dancing with Rubio. It’s not like you caught us fucking in the middle of the floor.”
“I don’t give a shit,” said Liam. “It’s your life, your choice. If you want to fuck Ruby in the middle of the floor, then fuck him. Why would I fucking care? God, I’m happy for you. You can even do it at my house if you want, in my play room. It would truly make me happy to see you having a healthy, avid sex life.”
“See!” I pointed at him. “That’s what I’m talking about. Every time you say something like that, it’s not to be nice. It’s to push me away.”
“I’m not trying to push you away. I’m just saying, if Ruby’s what turns you on, go for it.”
“Ruby doesn’t turn me on. He’s selfish and annoying.”
“Hey,” he protested. “I’m standing right here.”
“I know you don’t want me,” I said to Liam. “I think you came here tonight to catch me with Ruby and cause a big drama. He told me, Liam. You love to mess with women’s minds.”
“Oh yes,” he said, throwing up his hands. “More friendly warnings from Rubio. Shocking. Did it ever occur to you that it helps his agenda to tear me down? Do you think he doesn’t want to fuck you once he warns you away from me? And that he won’t fuck you over afterward, ten times worse than I ever would?”
“Again, I’m right here,” yelled Rubio. He stuck a finger in Liam’s face. “Want to talk about agendas? She deserves to know who you really are—”
“Shut the fuck up!”
“And the reason you do this to her! Jesus Cristo, it is enough. When you going to be honest? When you going to tell what happened to you, why you behave this way?”
Liam shoved his finger away. “Shut your fucking mouth. You don’t know anything about it.”
I watched them, lost. “What are you talking about?”
“Do not tell her,” Liam said in a voice like death. “For once in your fucking life, don’t be a backstabbing asshole.”
“What happened?” I pressed. “Something bad? What?”
“Nothing.” Liam flicked his fingers. “More character assassination from the most jacked up, hypocritical player on the face of the planet. He wants to sleep with you and he’ll say anything to do it. He won’t give up until he’s found a way between your legs.”
“Whatever,” Ruby said with a petulant curl of his lip. “Is your problem, Liam. Your stupidity. You can kiss my round Brazilian ass.”
“So, why did you cast me in your ballet?” I asked, turning on Rubio. “To piss off Liam? To make him jealous? Is there some weird competitive thing going on between the two of you?”
Rubio laughed, a hard, sharp laugh. Liam glared at him. “Don’t.”
“You want to know why I cast you?” he said to me.
“Don’t,” Liam said again. “Don’t do it.”
I looked between them. “Why are you guys speaking this secret language?”
Rubio turned to me with his satyr smile. “I cast you in my ballet, Ash-lee, cause Liam paid me money to do it. I was going to ask Heather.” He rolled his eyes. “I should have asked Heather. All this drama isn’t worth the twenty-five.”
I turned to Liam. “You paid him twenty-five pounds to put me in his ballet?”
Liam pursed his lips. “Twenty-five thousand.”
“Don’t be modest,” Rubio snarled. “Tell her all of it. You offered me thirty at first.”
“I offered you a thousand but you sneered at it, you greedy bastard.”
I gawked at Liam. “You paid him all that money to…to cast me?”
He leaned back against the wall and let out a sigh. “Yes, okay? Guilty. I thought you deserved the role and he didn’t want to give it to you.”
“No, that isn’t why.” Rubio cut him off in a savage tone. “Tell the truth, you fucking asshole.” He turned to me. “He did it to distract you. Because he’s going to dump you soon. I don’t know. In a week or two, I think. The ballet will keep you busy, fix his guilt.”
“That’s not why I did it,” Liam snapped.
“No? You can’t even admit the truth to yourself,” he said, poking a finger into Liam’s chest.
Liam grabbed it. “I would be more fucking careful if I were you. It’s hard to dance with two broken legs.”
“You acted all impressed whenever I talked about the ballet.” My voice sounded wooden. “You were all like ‘wow,’ and ‘awesome,’ when all the time it was you who…” I blinked at him, feeling horribly betrayed. “Why didn’t you just tell me the truth? And you?” I said, spinning on Ruby. “You’re both big fucking liars who play games.”
Rubio muttered something under his breath in Portuguese and walked away. I glared at Liam.
“I know we’re not together,” I said in a very cold voice. “I know that. I don’t care if you’re going to leave me, because you were never with me to begin with—”
“I was with you,” he said. “I went out of my way to help you.”
“You’re such a generous, kind person.” My voice grew edgier by the moment. “That’s why I don’t understand how you can lie and manipulate me at the same time. I mean, I know you get off on it—”
“Ashleigh—”
“You’re probably getting hard in your jeans right now because I’m freaked out and upset—”
“Ashleigh!”
“Rubio told me,” I yelled back at him. “He told me you get off on this. That you like to use women, and mess with them. He warned me how easily you get bored. I know that you�
�re playing me, Liam. I would respect it more if you let me in on the whole load of bullshit from the start.”
“Do not,” he said, holding up a hand. “Do not call our thing bullshit. I didn’t spend one moment with you that was bullshit. What kind of monster do you think I am? That I would prey on a damaged, sexually vulnerable woman?”
“I don’t know, Liam! I’m just telling you what I see.”
“You’re looking through the wrong pair of glasses, damn you. You’re blind. If you take Rubio’s word over mine— You don’t know— Jesus. Fuck it,” he said. “Go ahead. Go back to your ‘friend’ Rubio and practice your goddamned ballet some more. I’m finished here. We’re finished. Have a nice life.”
He turned and walked away from me, then turned back a moment later.
“Oh, and the reason I came here was to tell you that your father died today. This morning. Congratulations, Ashleigh. Now you’re free and clear.”
I stood and watched him go, stunned into silence. My father died today and I hadn’t even known. Somehow I’d imagined I’d feel it, when his evil presence ceased to exist in the world. All the loss I felt was attached to Liam. He wouldn’t see me again, not after this. I didn’t even think we’d be friends.
“Ash-lee?”
I turned and looked down the hall. Rubio leaned against the door of the studio, watching me with a grimace. “You okay?” he asked.
I stalked back to him, fully intending to bitch-slap his face.
“Don’t,” he said, backing into the room. “Don’t start with me. I am not involved in this.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about the money?”
“Because he told me not to.” He jeté’d away from me and then tipped forward into a handstand. “He manipulates. He lies. I told you.”
“What were you saying to him, about telling me the truth? What truth?”
“It doesn’t matter.” He huffed out a breath, pointing his toes at the ceiling. “He’s bad for you, okay? I told you. You don’t listen.”
I stormed across the room. “Stop that. Get off your fucking hands and talk to me.” I pushed him and he went tumbling down in a heap, then he grabbed my legs and pulled me down too. He leaned over me, trapping my hands behind me, and kissed me on the mouth. Not a silly, exaggerated kiss this time, but a real kiss, seductive and demanding. For a moment I was too shocked to react to the questing pressure. Ruby was kissing me. Why? His force and his weight panicked me a little.
Waking Kiss Page 19
