I stumbled out of the room and Sienna pushed off the wall, taking me in her arms. She sobbed against my neck, and I rested a hand on the back of her head. It was all I could do to comfort her because there was nothing I could say that would help.
“The last conversation I had with him…” she muttered and I pressed my other hand to her back, rubbing slow circles. “I was so awful.”
“Shhh,” I managed. “You had every right to be and he knew that.”
“But…”
I leaned back, holding her shoulders. “No buts. Miles fucked up and he accepted that. He wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up over it.”
She nodded and rested back in my arms. With every shake of her body, it brought back more and more memories of Nick’s death. When her father died, the man who was like my own, the pain was excruciating. Completely indescribable. I never wanted to feel that again. Never wanted to be subjected to such heart wrenching pain, and yet, here we were a year later, going through it all again.
It was as if a heavy weight dropped on my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I held Sienna tighter, trying to focus on what I had left.
“S,” Kade came flying into the clubhouse and Sienna spun to him, running into his arms.
I caught Kade’s eye as he wrapped his arms around Sienna. He gave me a knowing look that said everything he needed to say that words couldn’t convey. I nodded.
Sienna would always be my sister, but she had Kade now to protect her. To be there for her. To hold her when that carefully built wall of hers came crumbling down. She didn’t need me to be that person for her any more.
Miles was right. Things were changing.
“Dice, you should see this,” Stanson said, walking over to me. He held out a white envelope with my name on it.
Sienna pushed off of Kade’s chest. Kade kept his arm securely wrapped around her shoulders as they both joined us.
I took the envelope from Stanson and swallowed. My name was written in Miles’ shitty chicken scratch across the front.
With a deep breath, I ripped it open, and pulled out the letter.
“What’s it say?” Sienna asked. “Actually, it’s none of our business. It’s for you.”
“No, it’s okay,” I said, as I stared down at the words. Stanson stepped back and left us in privacy.
Sorry, brother.
I fucked up for my last time. It’s been one hell of a ride, and I hate to cut it short, but the guilt is too much for me to handle. A good man would live with it, but we both know nothing about me is good. You may think I’m taking the easy way out, but I’m hoping in death I get something right. Take care of my bike.
Tell Stanson to go in my top drawer, and tell Sienna I’ll always have her back. She’s more like her father than she’ll ever know and I will die comforted with thoughts that she’ll keep an eye on your dumbass. As for my brothers, we ride rain or shine and when that first sunbeam shines and that pesky rain falls know I am there. I will always be there.
See you in hell.
“What is he talking about?” Sienna asked. “He’ll always have my back?”
“I have no fucking idea.” I turned from Kade and Sienna, swiping a hand across my eyes and searching for Stanson. “Stanson, check the top drawer in his dresser.”
Stanson nodded and disappeared into the room, only to come back out a few seconds later holding another envelope with his name on it. He slid his finger under the flap, and opened it, his eyes widening and his jaw going slack.
“I got here as soon as I could,” Cash said, rushing through the doors. His face was stoic, but you could see the leftover tears in his eyes.
Sienna held her hand up to Cash and turned back to Stanson. “What is it?” she asked, pointing to the envelope.
Stanson looked up, disbelief splashed all across his face. “A confession.”
Me, Sienna, Kade and Cash froze, staring at Stanson, waiting for him to continue.
“He’s confessing to killing Gordita and her son, Anthony. He said he shot Anthony in the head, and he slit Gordita’s throat. He’s taking full responsibility, said he worked on his own agenda, and the club had no involvement.”
Sienna gasped, her hand flying to her mouth.
Cash, whose old lady was the one who actually killed Anthony, stood there with his mouth hanging slightly open.
I laughed manically because, even in death, the bastard rendered us speechless.
21
Allison
Sienna left before Kade to head to the office, but a short time later Kade’s phone rang and he rushed out of the house like a mad man. For hours, I wondered what happened to make him run out so quickly. My heart immediately sped up, afraid something happened to Eugene. But I hoped, if that were the case, Kade would have told me before bolting. So, I assumed it was just typical club business and all was okay. Or, okay as it could be in their world of violence and crime.
DC smiled and laughed as he threw his blocks around, and dragged a new stuffed penguin across the carpet. I watched my nephew with joy and hope. Hope that his father wouldn’t hate me when I revealed the truth, like Eugene did.
I was a liar and a fool to think that whatever I was doing here wasn’t going to blow up in my face. I should have known better. I should have told the truth from the beginning and, if I did, I wouldn’t be staring at my phone every ten seconds, hoping for a text from Eugene. I wouldn’t be staring at the door wishing he would barge through it and scoop me up in his arms, apologizing for overreacting because when all was said and done he still loved me.
Yup, I was a total fool. A guy like Eugene didn’t forgive and forget easily. I lost my chance at happiness, and the only person I had to blame was myself.
My eyes were still puffy from the night before, and I was grateful that neither Sienna nor Kade noticed or if they did, didn’t say anything.
Vibrations ran up my leg, and my heart raced in anticipation as I retrieved my phone. Disappointment instantly consumed me when Sienna’s name popped up on the screen.
I took a deep breath, trying to push back the tears that threatened to pour out. “Hello?” I said, forcing a fake smile into my tone.
“Allison, hi.”
Sienna’s voice was on edge, and I quickly sat up on the couch, looking down at DC who was now hugging his penguin.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, panic rising and making me tremble. “Is Eugene okay?”
She cleared her throat and, this time when she spoke, her voice was calm and clear. “He’s fine. I’m going to be later than originally planned and so is Kade. Could you drop DC off at Aubree and Cash’s house? Martha will be there to take him.”
“Sienna, I can watch him longer if you need me to. I don’t mind.”
“Dice is going to need you tonight,” she said and I slid to the edge of the couch.
“I thought you said he’s okay.” Panic rose to the surface, and it took everything I had to keep calm. I focused on my nephew, watching the way his lips curled up and his new teeth poked through.
“He is,” she assured me. “Look, there’s a lot going on right now and I really have to go.”
“You’re scaring me,” I said.
“Nothing to be scared about. I promise. Now can you drop DC for me?”
“Sure. No problem, but...”
“Thanks, Allison. We’ll talk soon.”
We hung up and I stared at my phone, trying to read between the lines. Trying to decipher what the heck Sienna meant when she said Dice would need me tonight. He wasn’t even talking to me. He hated me right now.
Eugene needed me, and I didn’t even know if he would actually come to me after everything that happened between us. There was nothing I could do and the last time I felt so helpless and unsure was when I watched my mother dying in a hospital bed.
I scooped DC up off the floor and held him close to me. He was so sweet and innocent. I imagined what he would be like in sixteen years. Would he take after his mom or dad or maybe even his god dad
?
He threw his arms up in the air and laughed, causing me to laugh too, but it still wasn’t enough of a distraction to get my mind off Eugene.
Night had fallen, and I had dropped DC off with Martha over two hours ago. She didn’t say much, and it only made me worry that much more.
I poured myself a generous glass of wine and sat down at the counter. I replayed last night in my head, over and over again torturing myself with the vision of Eugene walking out on me. If I closed my eyes tight enough, I could forget about the bad and remember the good. I could almost feel his hand caressing my skin, his mouth on mine and his warmth surrounding me, the stubble on his chin, rubbing against my neck and his hot breath against my ear just before he said something delicious and sexy.
There was a slight knock on my door, and it took me a moment to decipher daydreams from reality, but then it came again. I jumped up from my stool and ran to the door, flinging it open.
Eugene stood in the doorway, raindrops sliding down his leather vest. His hair stood on edge, sharp jagged points covering his head. His beautiful melted chocolate eyes were rimmed red and swollen. Despair and heartache dulled his usual brightness. Something was wrong… very, very wrong.
Sienna might have said he was okay, and maybe he was physically, but mentally he was hanging on by a thread. And, despite my lies and betrayal, he came to me. I didn’t waste another second, running to him and taking his face between my hands. “Eugene, what’s wrong?”
He grabbed hold of my hands, lacing his fingers through mine, keeping them pressed against the warmth of his cheeks. His eyes darkened and went distant before he blinked and refocused on me. “I’ve been outside for at least a half hour. I wouldn’t be surprised if Mr. Rollins calls the cops.” He laughed, but it was sad and deflated.
“Who cares about him. What happened? Are you okay?” I asked, checking his face, his hands, looking him up and down before returning my gaze to his.
“Miles is dead,” he said, and I gasped. His tone was so full of pain and despair, and I wanted to find a way to siphon it out of him and take on some of the burden so he didn’t have to do it alone.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, taking his face back in my hands and pulling him to me. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close, wishing there was more I could do.
“I wasn’t going to come here,” he said against my neck.
“I’m happy you did.”
“You lied to me.”
“I know, and I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. That was never my intention.”
He pulled back, resting his forehead on mine and cupping the side of my face. “I know, and today when I found my best friend hanging from the ceiling with a rope tied around his neck…” His words faltered, and my heart tore into a million pieces. For him and for Miles. For my brother and Sienna. For all the Outlaws who had become like family to me over the past couple of months.
Eugene cleared his throat and swiped his arm across his eyes. “Anyway, all I could think about was you. I just wanted to hold you. To hear your voice and to feel your touch. And maybe that makes me a fucking moron, but I don’t care because I love you too much not to forgive you.”
Hope blossomed in my heart, spreading through me in a rush of happiness and mixing with guilt for being able to feel anything but devastated in a time like this.
I looked up into his eyes, tears seconds away from overflowing. “I love you so much.”
He closed his eyes like he was savoring my words. When his eyes popped back open, he ran his thumb across my cheek, wiping away a stray tear.
“Just promise me one thing.”
“Anything,” I said, and I meant it. I would promise him the moon if I could. I would move heaven and earth if it meant we could be together. If I could come home to him every night and wake up to him every morning. I would do anything, even risk my life and stay here in Black Hills and become a part of his world.
His stare turned serious and dark. “Don’t ever lie to me again.”
“Never.”
He snaked his hand around my waist and pulled me tight against him. He wrapped both arms around me, holding me to him as if he was afraid he’d never see me again. He kissed my neck and squeezed me even tighter.
“I really am sorry.” I pulled back, and cupped his cheek. “About lying. About Miles. I’m so sorry. I had only met him a few times, but someone that full of life doesn’t just die,” I said, resting my hand on his heart. “They live on in the people who loved them. He is a part of you, no matter what, just like my mom will always be a part of me. By you staying alive, you keep him alive.”
Tears filled his eyes and he knotted his fingers in my hair, drawing my forehead to his lips. He kept them there for a moment before tucking me against him. His body shook with tears, and I held on tight as my badass biker fell to pieces in my arms.
A few hours later, we lay in bed, his head on my chest and my fingers drawing small circles on his back. He tried so hard to be strong, but once that first tear fell his wall cracked.
I knew how he felt. It was a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Losing someone you loved was by far the most excruciating pain to ever endure. It ripped at your insides and hollowed you out, making you empty and cold. It was a horrible burden to bear for anyone, but the fact that Miles took his own life, I knew Eugene would always wonder what if. His burden would be unlike mine, but I would be there for him every dark day and every lonely night.
It was then that it became clear to me that I could no longer keep my secret. It was part of my burden, and I couldn’t let Eugene take it on, too. Not after everything he had been through. I needed to come clean and tell Kade the truth.
I stared down at the chiseled edges of Eugene’s face. The dark stubble along his jaw. He was beautiful and he was mine. I almost lost him once, and I wasn’t ever going to let that happen again.
He shifted and looked up at me. “Hey,” he said, his voice rough and sexy as hell.
“Hey back. How you doing?”
“Better with you here.”
I smiled down at him, running my fingers through his hair. “I’m going to tell Kade.”
He pushed up on his elbows.
“I’m just scared he’s going to hate me and that Sienna will…”
“Hurt you,” he joked. “I’ll protect you from her.” He laughed, and, after hours of heartbreak, it was the best sound I’d ever heard.
“Do you think they’ll ever forgive me?”
“They both have had secrets of their own. Secrets as big if not bigger than yours. I think they’d understand.”
“I hope so because I don’t want to go anywhere.”
Eugene sat up, lifting me on his lap until I straddled him. “I wanted to talk to you about that. You and me. I’m in this.”
My teeth slid over my lip and I nodded. “Me too. You’re all I want.”
He rested his forehead against mine. “Good because you’re all I want. But I don’t want you to have to live your life in fear. I don’t want you to be scared every time I walk out the door.”
“As long as I’m with you, I’ll deal with it. It doesn’t matter to me.”
His hands bunched into the silk of my nightgown. “It matters to me. I don’t want that life for you.”
“It’s your life, though. I can accept that. I’m willing to. I want to.”
“It’s not fair to you.”
I shook my head, and then stared down at him. “You’ve lost so much already. I can’t take you away from your family. Your job. Your club. Your life. You belong here.”
He was quiet for a moment before meeting my gaze. “I belong with you. And you’re right. I’ve lost a shit ton, but I don’t want to lose my mind too, and I sure as hell don’t want to lose you.”
“I already told you, I’m not going anywhere. Wherever you are is where I’ll be. As far as everything else, you’re upset. You just lost your best friend. So let’s not make any rash decisions right now. Once e
verything settles we’ll talk again. Okay?”
He nodded, then snaked his hand around my neck and pulled me to his lips. He kissed me with slow, raw passion, sliding his tongue against mine. I returned the passion, wanting to help him wash away the pain even if it was only for a few heated moments.
His lips trailed down my neck, and he pinched my nipple through the thin silk. He pushed the straps of my night gown off, cupping my breast, and dipping his head to take the tight bead in his mouth. I arched into him, pressing into the hardness of his growing erection.
“I need you,” he said against my skin, as he slipped out of his boxers and rubbed the head of his cock against my slick folds.
He brought his mouth back to mine, and I gripped his length, slowly easing myself onto it. A moan rumbled up his throat as I took him completely. My head fell against his as his hands tightened on my hips. Two bodies, two souls joining together to move as one.
He slid his hand over my hip, down my thigh, and back up to my clit. His thumb grazed the swollen nub, and my body shuddered in response. His tongue slid across my collarbone and up my neck as he rubbed small circles against the bundle of nerves.
I rocked against him, pressing myself closer to his touch, absorbing every sensation. My hips flexed, back arched and my heart beat wildly and crazily, full of so much love for this man.
Desire coiled in my core and my breathing became ragged. “I’m so close,” I cried out.
“Wait for me, baby,” he said, pumping into me harder and faster. Holding me against his chest, I could feel his heart beat against mine, thumping in tune with each other, both racing for the finish line.
My nails dug into his shoulder as I tried to hold out. Tried to fight the growing need to fall off the edge and surrender to satiated bliss.
“I can’t…” I panted, as a string of whimpers and moans exploded from my mouth and cut off the rest of my words.
He thrust into me again and my strength dissolved. My inner muscles tensed tightening and curling desperate for a release. I clenched his shoulder harder, and he growled against my ear.
Dice (A Righteous Outlaws Novel #3) Page 17
