by Mae Doyle
“Flames? Who pulled me out of the car?” Squirming away from Kaleb’s grasp, I looked down at my arms. There weren’t any singe marks. “Look, there wasn’t a fire.” I turned my arms in front of the boys, showing them my perfect skin.
“That’s because you were pulled out right before the fire, Miss Bennett.” Mrs. Dimitri came bustling across the room to us, giving me the distinct feeling that she’d been listening to our conversation the entire time. “You only escaped unscathed because of the fast actions of some good Samaritans, so thank your lucky stars that you weren’t the only car on the road.”
“But we were.” I shook my head, hoping that I was making sense. “I mean, we were until the car hit us, but it hit is from behind, not the side. And Brett was breathing after the accident. I saw it!” The three of them were looking at me with sadness and compassion on their faces, and I realized with a start that none of them believed me.
“Rosita,” Jackie began, but Mrs. Dimitri cut him off.
“Miss Bennett needs her rest. She obviously doesn’t remember exactly what happened, but the psychiatrist said that this was to be expected.” She lowered her voice, like she was speaking to my boys, but I could still hear exactly what she said. “She already lost her dad in a car accident, and she’s going to do everything she can to hold onto the hope that Brett isn’t dead, even though it doesn’t make sense. You boys need to go and let her rest.”
“We can stay and be quiet.” Kaleb crossed his arms, daring her to kick him out.
Mrs. Dimitri sighed. “Not a chance, Mr. Moore. Mr. Taylor has already told me that Miss Bennett isn’t to have visitors until the psychotherapist is able to come and meet with her, so you two need to go. You could both get in a lot of trouble for being here as it is, and I’m not going to cover for you.
“It’s okay.” I rested my hand on Kaleb’s arm and looked up at Jackie. “You two go and get out of here so that you don’t get in any trouble. As soon as I talk to the therapist, I’m sure that I’ll be cleared to go, right?” I looked at Mrs. Dimitri, but she didn’t nod or shake her head.
Neither of my boys moved.
“Go.” This time, I worked hard to make my voice as strong as possible. Kaleb stood up but leaned down to give me a kiss before he left. His lips were warm on mine and I wanted to pull him back to me. I needed comfort from the two of them, but that would have to come later.
Jackie landed a kiss on my forehead. “We’ll be back this afternoon to check on you, okay, Rosita?” He was talking to me, but I knew that he wanted Mrs. Dimitri to hear him. Whatever happened, they weren’t going to just leave me alone.
I had them on my side, and that should have made me feel good.
But I still couldn’t believe that Brett was gone.
***
“Rose, are you with me?”
I’d been staring out the window for almost thirty minutes. I knew that because the psychotherapist had come into my room at 1:00 and it was 1:28. The only way for me to keep track of time and exactly what was going on was to check the clock obsessively.
Sighing, I turned my attention back to him. Dr. Devy wasn’t bad looking as far as psychotherapists go. The problem that I had with him is that he hadn’t stopped staring at me since he’d gotten here and that he wasn’t answering any of my questions.
So, in those regards, he was exactly like every other doctor that I’d ever dealt with.
“I’m here.”
“Good.” He tapped his pen against his clipboard a few times before he caught the way I was looking at him, then he stopped. “Would you like to answer my question now?”
“You mean the one about how I’m doing?” I raised my wrist in response. “I’m happy to talk about my broken wrist and the fact that I’m banged up and in a hospital gown instead of hanging out with my friends as soon as you tell me the truth about the accident and tell me where Brett is.”
He nodded and then steepled his fingers under his chin. God, I hated it when doctors did that shit. That’s exactly what they did when they were telling me that my dad had died.
My stomach lurched at the memory and I looked back outside.
“I understand that you’ve been told the truth about Mr. Cox, Rose, so if you want to talk about your feelings regarding that, I’m happy to. You know that I’m here to help you, not hurt you. Taylor Prep has brought me on…”
“…To make sure that I am physically and mentally prepared to handle the stress and pressure of returning to classes and to my room. I assure you, Dr. Devy, I am prepared for what’s going to happen.”
“Okay.” He wrote on his paper for a moment before looking back up at me. “Nobody would blame you if you decided to go home, Miss Bennett. You could finish out your senior year at any other high school of your choosing. From your file I can see that any school would be lucky to have you.”
“I could…what?” Surely I hadn’t heard him correctly. “Are you suggesting that I leave Taylor Prep? Do you know how hard I’ve fought to be here?”
He nodded, steepling his fingers again. “I do, Miss Bennett, and that’s why I think it may be a good idea to go home for the rest of the year. The fact that you survived not one, but two horrific car accidents that claimed the lives of the drivers and the fact that you keep denying the way the crash occurred tells me that you may not be ready for the stress of classes.”
I swear, my jaw dropped open, and I had to mentally focus to close it. “I’m sorry, but I guarantee you that the accident occurred the way I’m saying that it did. We were hit from behind, and Brett was alive after we came to a rest against the trees. I don’t know why people won’t believe me!” My voice was getting higher and louder and I had to concentrate to look calm again.
Judging by the way he raised his eyebrows, it didn’t entirely work.
“Miss Bennett, I’m going to level with you.” He glanced around like he was making sure that nobody was listening in on our conversation, but I had a feeling that that was just for show. He wanted me to believe him and to trust him, but right now the list of people I trusted was ridiculously short.
“Do it.”
“Brett is dead. It was a terrible accident, and one that you, quite frankly, probably shouldn’t have walked away from. You did, and a lot of people are calling that a miracle. But you and I also know that survivor’s guilt is a very real thing and that you are going to have a lot of problems understanding and dealing with his death, just like you did with your dad’s. I strongly suggest that you take the rest of the year and either homeschool yourself or go to another high school.”
“Are you suggesting or telling me that I have to do that?”
A fly had somehow gotten into the room and it was slamming itself against the window in an effort to get out. Even though I wanted to turn and look at it, I did my best to keep my attention on Dr. Devy. He needed to know that I was focused on him and that I was going to pay attention to what he had to say, even if I did think that most of it was bullshit.
“You know that I can’t make you leave Taylor Prep.”
No, I didn’t know that, but that was nice to hear.
“But I can strongly recommend it.”
I sighed and leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees. “Are we done here, doctor? I’m ready to get back to my dorm room, see my friends, and prepare for classes tomorrow. Or do you think that I’m just too precious that I can’t live on my own?”
“I think that you could be a risk to yourself, yes.”
“And what are you going to do about that?” I was baiting him, and I knew it. The truth about Brett’s death hadn’t really sunk in yet, but that was probably because I didn’t believe it. He wasn’t dead. I knew that he wasn’t dead.
I’d seen him breathe, and I was going to hold onto that memory as long as I could. I didn’t give a shit what they said. He was alive.
“The funeral is tomorrow. All classes are cancelled tomorrow and Tuesday. You go to the funeral and then meet with me on both days in lieu of classes and I wil
l consider giving you the all-clear, do you understand?”
I nodded, but my mind was already racing.
They were having a funeral?
For the first time since I had been told that Brett died, I started to wonder if people were telling me the truth.
Something squeezed my heart and I turned to look back out the window. I heard, rather than saw, Dr. Devy get up and leave.
That was fine.
If he was really dead, then I needed to be alone.
If he was really dead, then I wasn’t sure what I was going to do.
I knew that I still had Jackie and Kaleb.
But I also loved Brett.
Chapter 20
Brett’s mom was at the funeral. Of course she was. It was me that she hated, and me she didn’t want in her house this past weekend. I wanted to go up and speak to her, but Jackie held me back.
“Don’t be rash, Rosita. Even if you think that she was trying to warn you and Brett to be safe, do you think that approaching her in front of everyone at the funeral is a good idea?” His breath was warm in my ear and I shivered, partly because of the way it felt, but also because I knew that he was right.
It was in my best interest to avoid her and to avoid anyone who she talked to.
Go to the funeral. Mourn Brett. Get out.
That was the gameplan.
But when the casket was brought in, I wanted so badly to see inside it. I needed to see Brett’s face. Dr. Devy had hold me that it was a closed casket because there was so much damage in the accident, but I knew that wasn’t true.
His face was the last thing I had seen before I passed out in the car. He was fine. He wasn’t cut. He wasn’t bleeding.
He wasn’t dead.
“You’re doing great, Rose.” Kaleb was on my other side and he kept slipping his arm around my waist to help me to my feet when we needed to stand. Music swept over me and I tried to follow along in the bulletin, but my eyes kept glazing over and tears kept ruining my vision.
Everything was swimming. The entire senior class had turned out for the funeral, which was held on the quad. Mr. Taylor was up front sitting next to Brett’s parents. Apparently, Taylor Prep had a chaplain. He was someone I’d never seen before, but he commanded the crowd, droning on and on about how amazing Brett was.
They didn’t know the half of it.
Amelia got up to speak. Jackie had warned me beforehand that she might, but seeing her look teary-eyed over the microphone at the crowd was a punch to the gut. I’d asked Jackie and Kaleb why they hadn’t been asked to speak, but neither one of them had an answer.
We all knew that there was no way I’d be asked.
Not when a lot of people blamed me for his death.
Not when most everyone at Taylor Prep still wanted me out of the school.
Finally, when it was over, I slowly made my way back across the quad to my room. Jackie was on one side of me and Kaleb on the other one supporting me. I had to focus on each step. Each time I put one foot down, I had to remember to pick the other up and move it.
It was slow going.
Suddenly, though, the boys stopped. “Rosita,” Jackie breathed, causing my head to jerk up.
Mrs. Cox was standing by herself under a tree off to the side of the quad. Everyone else was around the casket, or talking to the chaplain. Nobody seemed to notice her. In fact, even her husband wasn’t anywhere to be seen.
I didn’t have time to think about what I was going to do. Before I knew what was happening, I broke away from the boys, cutting straight across the grass to her. She had her backed to me, but I could easily tell that it was her.
“Mrs. Cox!” I tried to yell, but my voice came out strangled. What in the world was she doing here? Was it okay for me to go up to her or would she even want to talk to me? I was walking faster than I had since the accident, but I was still slow enough that Jackie or Kaleb could easily catch up with me if they want.
“Mrs. Cox!” Again, I tried. Now I was closer, and she must have heard me, because she turned around. She had on oversized sunglasses that hid her eyes, but her neck and her cheeks were splotchy like she hadn’t stopped crying in days. She probably hadn’t, now that I thought about it. The last time she saw her son, she basically kicked him off of the property.
“Rose?” Her voice was as quiet as mine. Heedless of whether or not anyone was watching, I ran up to her as best I could. My hip had a hitch in it and there was a throbbing pain when I walked, but that fell away. I had to talk to her.
“Brett.” I panted, bending over and grabbing my thighs while I tried to catch my breath. “I am so, so sorry. Mrs. Cox, I have no idea what happened. There was a car behind us and then it ran us off the road. I swear that he was fine, but everyone is telling me I’m wrong and that we were hit from the side, but I swear we weren’t.”
She stared at me, and even though she had on glasses, I could feel her icy stare. “Are you telling me that the police lied to me about the accident?”
“Yes!” Thank God, someone was finally listening and didn’t think I was crazy. I knew what had happened and I had no idea why the official report was something different, but I needed her and everyone else to know the truth. “Someone’s lying, but I don’t know why. And he was alive, I promise you. He was there, and he was breathing.”
“You whore.”
What? I sucked in a breath and stared at her. “I’m sorry, what did you – ?”
“You heard me.” She was only a few feet away, and she closed the gap between us quickly, jabbing her finger into my chest. I took a step back, breathing hard. “You whore. You did this to him. All you had to do was leave the school and he would still be fine, but you wouldn’t, would you? You’re just like that slut of mother of yours.”
“I’m what?” I couldn’t be hearing her correctly, right? There was no way that she could be blaming me for this, right? “I was just trying to tell you – things didn’t happen the way you think. I promise you, he’s alive!”
“Shut up. Shut your fucking mouth. You should have never come here, and then when you were told to leave, you should have! You’re the reason that my son is gone, do you understand that? How can you live with that?”
“I didn’t…I didn’t do anything wrong.” Even as I tried to convince her, I knew that my voice sounded whiney. I knew that I didn’t sound like I believed myself.
“You are wrong. You’re a cancer at this school, Rose Bennett, and you need to leave before you get anyone else killed.”
“Anyone else?” I suddenly became hyper aware that Jackie and Kaleb were right behind me. “I don’t understand, Mrs. Cox, I just thought – ”
“I never want to hear my name come out of your whore mouth again, do you understand?” Her voice was a hiss and I imagined her eyes turning into slits as she stared at me. “He was too good for you, but I guess that all guys want to dip their dick in trash at some point in their lives. It’s just a fucking shame that it got him killed.”
She turned away before I could say anything else, her long black cardigan fanning out behind her like a cape. I stood, my jaw hanging open, and watched her go. There wasn’t anything for me to say.
Everyone obviously blamed me for Brett’s death.
Everyone obviously thought that I should leave the school.
“Rose?” Kaleb’s voice broke me out of my thoughts and I turned to him with a sob, falling forward into his arms. He wrapped them around me and held me to his chest. “I think we need to get you back to your room, okay?”
“Kaleb, Kaleb wait.” I wiped my nose with the back of my sleeve and looked up at him. He was so good, so strong. All of my rogues were.
But now I had lost one.
“Do you blame me? Kaleb? Jackie? Do you two think that I’m the reason that Brett is dead? I need to know for sure. I need to know because…because I don’t think that I can stay here if you really think that I’m the reason he’s dead. I love him. I love you. I need you all and to not have him…”
A sob cut me off.
First, I’d lost my dad in a horrible car accident, and then Brett? I didn’t know how much more I could take, and I certainly didn’t know how much I could handle if Jackie and Kaleb blamed me.
I honestly wouldn’t blame them if they did.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I blamed myself.
Before I could spiral down this line of thinking, however, Jackie wrapped his arms around me. “You’re okay, Rosita. We don’t blame you. We don’t, okay? We don’t think that you did anything wrong. Let’s get you back to your room, alright? We just need to get you out of here. We may not blame you, but there are some people here who do, and there’s no reason for you to be around them right now.”
I nodded into his chest, breathing in deep to smell his delicious cologne. He was right. I could make this as long as I had the two of them on my side, but I couldn’t just sit around and think that everyone else was going to be friendly.
I let the two of them lead me up to my room. We stumbled on the steps because my legs felt like they were broken, but Jackie swept me up into his arms with Kaleb leading the way. Most of the senior class was still out on the quad, but Maggie and Harper were waiting by my door.
I didn’t see them. My face was still turned into Jackie’s strong chest so that I wouldn’t have to look at anyone, not even my friends.
They asked about me, though, and their loving voices brought me back to tears.
“We’re going to let her sleep, but we’ll make sure that she talks to you guys tomorrow, okay?” Kaleb’s voice was soothing and I loved him for protecting me.
“Okay, Rosita.” Jackie put me gently down on my bed and then turned to leave, but then looked back at me. “Are you going to be okay in here by yourself?”
Was I? I honestly didn’t know what it was going to be like to be alone. Even though I knew that they shouldn’t stay in my room and that if they were even caught on the third floor with me, they’d be in trouble, I shook my head.
“I can’t. I mean, I don’t think that I can do this. I don’t think I can handle it by myself.” My voice sounded hollow, even to me, but it pulled my two rogues back from my door.
