by Corey Taylor
I know what you’re thinking right now: Is this book just going to be a roast of white people? Where’s all the funny shit? Uncle Fuckmouth, where’s all the funny shit? Well, brothers and sisters, there will be some funny shit somewhere in here, but first we’ve got to set the record straight. We’ve got to make sure there is a baseline pulse on this hot-ass topic. It’s essential not only to the struggle but also to our sanity. In the real world there is no such thing as “alternative facts”; there are just LIES LIES LIES, YEAH. If you’re asking, that is, of course, my favorite song from the Thompson Twins—great track. Sorry—I got away from the subject there for a second, started singing that song, and suddenly I was running downstairs for the dryer and the Aqua Net, ready to spruce, spritz, and spray. It has been a long time since I rocked my guy-liner for some musical hijinks. Christ, we’re still talking about this, aren’t we? I tend to forget my starter topic right around the time the paragraph begins to look like the continent of Australia… or is that the country of Australia—fuck it: it’s both. Is this thing on? Testicles: one… two… three!?
One of the perks of white privilege has always been the rewriting of history, which is exactly why Trump has been so desperate to rewrite even his most recent history, his search history, anything to make it look like he’s more popular than he really is. He’s not the first to do it, though. However, it must be a white American thing because we even got who discovered America wrong. Columbus never set foot on our end of North America; the closest he got was Hispaniola. It’s the same story with the settlers in Plymouth. The history books love to paint the first natives of this land as dumb and unsophisticated, but the truth of the matter is that Squanto, the first native to meet the settlers, spoke English. You read that right: he spoke English. It turned out he’d been kidnapped by buccaneers years before and taken back to Europe. He managed to gain his freedom and make his way to England, where he spent some time before he was able to jump a ship and head back to the “New World.” In that time he’d learned several languages. So it was almost perfect for the pilgrims that he happened to be there. But of course, like it or not, we got all “white” on them and condemned their ways of life to a long, drawn-out death. Thankfully that hasn’t happened yet, but you get my meaning: for some reason we honkies have a hard-on for trying to correct motherfuckers just minding their own fucking business. What did the original missionaries really do? Try to get indigenous peoples to abandon their own “false gods and prayers” in favor of the whiter “false gods and prayers.” You see it all the time, sadly.
The backlash of this whitewashing is very apparent, though, even today. Twenty-four hours hadn’t even passed after the post-Inauguration Women’s March before people were complaining about the police’s stance toward what was considered a “white women’s privilege march,” and we’re talking about a historic movement that spanned the globe on all seven continents, including Antarctica. Even in the face of amazing solidarity for all colors, people had to find a way to talk shit. I’m not saying I don’t understand—hell, I’m not even saying they aren’t right. But Judas fucking Priest, save that shit for later. It’s fucking bad enough that the current administration has to send their babbling press people out to defend shitty turnout for their “historic victory.” Do you really think it’s necessary to divide us even further? But once again, this is the by-product of the collision between freedom of speech and social media. Just because you have the right to say it doesn’t mean we have to listen, even if you type that shit in all caps. Sorry, Beavis.
We also love to fuck with the books when it comes to making ourselves look better. If you were to ask certain Trump supporters why they voted for him in the first place, a lot of them would say it’s because he’s going to help with job growth (even though under the Obama administration job growth was exponentially steady for his eight years in office). When prodded about social programs like welfare, they will blind you with a lot of rhetoric about people of any color under the sun being on food stamps and whatnot… except white people. “All the blacks, Mexicans, even Asians—they’re all on welfare! They’re suckin’ our government dry.” They love to trot that little misconception out there. I say misconception because a study published by the Huffington Post in 2013 showed that white people—white people—receive more food stamps and welfare benefits than African Americans, Latinos, Asians, and the entire “other” column—combined. Maybe that’s our blessing and curse as Caucasians: we’re only noble when we’re missing the facts. Hell, even my computer is kind of racist. It automatically capitalized the word Caucasian. However, when I typed in “Latino” or “Asian” without capitalizing, the Red Line of Correction showed up, suggesting I capitalize those words, but not doing it for me. Is that a good enough metaphor for you?
Listen, I don’t want you to think I hate my people. I don’t. I also know there’s a huge double standard in this country in which certain people cannot talk about certain things without being called every name in the liberal book. It’s called “real talk” for a reason, but if it’s real talk, why aren’t we all allowed to be real with it? As I’ve said before, there are words I will never use because I do not like the tone, the history, the hate connected to them and the feel of them crossing my lips. That being said, if it’s in a conversation about race or out of context, without an accusatory tone, why aren’t those words allowed to be used while talking about progression? The last time I checked, the only way to take the venom out of our vocabulary was to beat the shit out of the context until those words are nothing more than snake skins lying on flat hot stones. Making them taboo does nothing more than add a sense of adventure and excitement to their use, building the first bridge between risqué speech behind closed doors and violent defamation in a public display of violence. You may think I’m a doomsayer by making that jump, but then again, maybe you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a kid sneaking a smoke behind the school or drinking your first beer. I’m not comparing racist remarks to rebelling against authority; I’m comparing it to the shit we were all told was off-limits when we were kids. I believe that’s one of the reasons we find ourselves in the situation permeating the world today: when you make certain speech forbidden, you simultaneously make it attractive. It’s human nature. Don’t believe me? Then answer this: Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette based on tobacco’s health benefits?
I rest my fuckin’ case.
But that’s the USA M.O. really, isn’t it? Hypocrisy has always been more American than freedom. We talk a good game but never really back it up. The double-talk knows no lines, no sides, and no bipartisan loyalty. We are a country full of monstrous two-faced dicks, hell-bent on fucking each other over because all we want to be is right. That’s all we want. Hell, I’d dare say that’s exactly how the Cheeto got elected in the first place. In addition to hoping he would get a handle on the fiscal spending of the government, most of the working class were just tired of being told they were wrong. That mentality runs all the way up the flag pole, right next to the stars and stripes themselves, and it only intensifies the further one gets from the eye of the storm. The Right wants to tell you what you can and can’t do with your body, especially your Mommy Parts, but can’t seem to keep it in their pants (or closets) while they’re thumping Jesus’s diaries. Across the aisle the Left wants us all to get along, rescue puppies, and just be good humans—that is, until their disdain for so-called ignorance kicks in. A prominent liberal host said she wouldn’t interview Melania Trump because she can “barely speak English.” So much for the compassion of the progressives—and this woman does charity work for African nations, for Christ’s sake. “Can barely speak English”—first of all, that’s a fucking cop-out. If you don’t like her, just admit it, but don’t come up with some lame excuse. We’ve all heard her speak—it’s not that bad. Second, you just shit on your own credibility for being a “one love, one world” supporter. The Left loves to talk about change, but they never allow people the time to accept an
d embrace change, nor do they have any tolerance for any opinion other than their own.
Then they wonder why people call them “elitist” and have an adverse idea about what “educated” means. Yeah, the Left can be a bunch of pretentious fucking cunts. Quote me on that. No, please. I actually enjoy watching armchair analysts spew bullshit like a fountain outside Disney World. The truth of the matter is that America is made up of regions all recycling the same retread info that their fathers, mothers, uncles, and anyone else fed them for generations. Most Americans are genetically superstitious of anything outside their comfort zone. I get it: there’s safety in regurgitated mythos. However, when all you’re doing is continuing the same fucking cycles of misinformation, you might as well live in a fucking hut in the woods, the good your advice is doing anyone. You’re all becoming fucking farmers from Romania, digging up family members and cutting their heads off because in 2017 you still believe in vampires. You are becoming ghouls, sifting through your own feces and looking over your shoulders on the grassy knoll. Most of these people are the same ones who scream about back-alley abortions when the GOP hits the Oval Office or yell themselves hoarse that “THEY’RE COMING FOR OUR GUNS” when the Dems win. Seriously, you all need to stop that shit. It’s fucking ridiculous. Nobody’s taking our fucking guns. Nobody’s going to truly take away your right to choice. You are becoming unpaid workers for the rhetoric arms of both parties. Knock it the fuck off.
It’s a confusing time, to be honest. We live in a time when “President” Trump tried to use an executive order to ban Muslims from entering the country, only to be overturned by a federal judge, who granted a stay on prohibiting the ban because “the government hasn’t thought this through.” The order was rushed out so quickly that the Department of Homeland Security claimed they didn’t have anything set in place to handle that sort of decree, leaving hundreds of refugees and temporary and permanent residents stranded or detained by Customs agents. Never mind that a ban like that is fucking pointless when you take into consideration that white extremists have killed more Americans than Muslim jihadists since 9/11. All this ensures that the war on terror has no end. Meanwhile the war on drugs—remember that?—only empowers the drug cartels.
And so it goes. Before you get too upset, you have to remember something: these names and phrases are simply a part of the game. Every election has its collection of buzzwords, the shit to get the constituents wound up and energized. In the seventies it was “unemployment,” “gas shortages,” “inflation,” and so on. In the eighties it was “balancing the budget,” the “war on drugs,” “pro-life,” and so forth. The nineties gave us “no new taxes.” The 2000s gave us the “war on terror.” Some of these terms have evolved, like “women’s rights” and such, but the new additions are “same-sex marriage” and “healthcare,” although these days they have gone rogue and made the buzzwords quite personal: his tax returns, her emails, his misogyny, her scorn and coldness. It’s a dance for supremacy and likeability, because let’s face it: we have no idea just how qualified these people really are. HRC could’ve sucked. The Cheeto might turn out to be decent from a fiscal point of view. But there’s no real proof; there’s just “he said, she said” until it’s time to put up or shut up. This is America—we have a competitive tickling league, after all. Yeah, you read that right: a competitive tickling league.
Look it up…
(Everyone, please put on your Big-Person Grownup Sarcasm Goggles now. And… begin…)
This is going to be a contentious four years for Trump. Being a “bigly winner” really does come with having his detractors. People went as far as comparing his Inauguration Day crowds to Obama’s. To be fair, Obama’s crowd certainly did appear to be bigger than the Cheeto’s crowd. But it was pointed out online that the reason for this was because the good people who voted for Trump “actually work for a living”! That would imply that all the people who voted for Obama are just welfare cases! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE BLACK AND BROWN PEOPLE DON’T HAVE JOBS!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, IT’S A RACIST STEREOTYPE THAT ALSO PROVES THAT TRUMP WASN’T ELECTED BECAUSE OF RACISM!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA, IT ALSO DEFLATES THE WHOLE ARGUMENT THAT OBAMA ONLY HELPED PEOPLE OF COLOR GET JOBS AND NOT GOOD CHRISTIAN WHITE FOLKS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! THAT MAKES SENSE, RIGHT?
(You may now remove your Big Person Grownup Sarcasm Goggles until the next said portion of the book. Thank you for complying.)
Just when I think I can sit right here in the middle, get comfy in the center, avoid all the muckety-muck that is being hustled and fucked by these zealots on the outside circle, I catch myself getting more and more incensed and hurling my whole body back into the fray like Belushi in Animal House, punching and kicking and running on heads, Matrix style. I just cannot wrap my head around how this place got so fucking bass-ackward and blown into smithereens. Were we always like this? Were we always the biggest hypocrites in the room internationally? I realize most powerful countries or regimes dabble in globalism and slowly descend into despotism, but I always thought we had enough checks and balances inherent in our system to stop that from happening. Was I wrong? There’s nothing more abhorrent than the smiling savior, languidly strolling into your comfort zone in the guise of a friend and protector and then destroying your life forever. I know this country isn’t perfect—never was—but I know for a fact that even when considering the circumstances under which it was created and the unbelievable double standards that sprang as a result, this country still struggles to give its people what no other country ever has: the right to live and love as a free human being. No chains of conquest will strap you to a god or a church. No lies or malice will keep you imprisoned while you scream innocence. No law, rule, decree, order, or regulation will make it unlawful for you to breathe in the skin you’re in, love whomever you want, or be whatever you want to be.
These Trump supporters go on and on about how they hate “snowflakes” and “social justice warriors” (SJWs) and all that shit when they’ve conveniently forgotten that our forefathers were the original SJWs. They escaped persecution over religion and authoritarianism to go to a new land where anything was possible. They then stood like a stone against tyranny and indecent behavior while a king tried to take them to task. Eventually they fought like wolves against unwelcome taxation and the trampling of personal freedoms. So the Founding Fathers railed against all the things that the so-called ignorant libtards also fight against. Granted, our generation tends to protest a little too fucking much, but I don’t want to keep harping on that shit—we are still simply carrying on a tradition of agitation through demonstration. It’s our rights as Americans. Without it, we’d just be the other British colony next to Canada.
Our Founding Fathers wrote the Constitution specifically to be a living document, to be amended but never backtracking on its core values. They did all this because they knew they would need to fix some shit later on—the overt masculinity in the paperwork and the “slavery” exception being the biggest examples of how they made some sacrifices just to get things going. Sure, it wasn’t perfect. It might’ve gotten off to a less-than-auspicious start. But they started somewhere. The Constitution of the United States of America is one of the most comprehensive government documents ever committed to wood pulp (or, in its case, hemp, ironically). Most Americans only really know about the First and Second Amendments because those are the ones that get debated and paraphrased like crazy. I have a sneaking suspicion most Americans have no idea what the actual writing guarantees in the way of our rights. Then again, if most politicians took the time to brush up on the shit they’re supposed to be upholding, they’d realize a lot of the shit they’d like to pass into law is unconstitutional—and that’s on BOTH SIDES OF THE FUCKING AISLE.
I have a solution, and I know some people are going to get pissed off by it, but fuck it: it makes me laugh my balls off every time I think about it. I think the Constitution should be completely reformatted… with pictures. I think if the Constitution had pic
tures, more people would know what our rights are and more people would understand each other better. Oh, or maybe if we just changed the way it looks without changing what it means or says, we could get people to understand it. We could set it up like a video game—it does have twenty-seven amendments, so we could use those like levels! The first ten, you fight as Bill, collecting all your rights and kickboxing against the Preambles on your way to each level’s big Boss. This would also help ensure that everyone who plays the game would understand how each amendment functions and how you can implement it into your lives as well. This would be fucking awesome. We could call it… ’Murica.
