by Alex Clare
He’s Gone
Alex Clare
To A.
Contents
Title Page
Dedication
MONDAY 18 JULY
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
TUESDAY 19 JULY
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
WEDNESDAY 20 JULY
19
20
21
22
23
24
THURSDAY 21 JULY
25
26
27
28
29
FRIDAY 22 JULY
30
31
SATURDAY 23 JULY
32
33
SUNDAY 24 JULY
34
35
MONDAY 25 JULY
36
37
38
39
40
TUESDAY 26 JULY
41
42
Book Club Questions
Acknowledgements
About Alex Clare
Copyright
MONDAY 18 JULY
1
Gillian folded the receipt once, twice and tucked it with the others. She called over her shoulder, ‘Benjamin, we’re going now.’ Shoving the purse back into her sagging handbag, she allowed herself a moment of satisfaction for having finished the chores when it was still only eight-thirty. She needed a second to unhook the purse, which had snagged on the bag’s lining. ‘Here, please.’ The shopping centre was tacky but the shops opened early and managing someone else’s toddler inside was easier than on Meresbourne’s congested High Street. She took another second to balance the bags, then turned. ‘If you’re hiding …’ The boy could be very irritating. The pharmacy was empty.
The pharmacist gave a futile scan around the tiny shop and shrugged. He’d had his head down, answering her prepared sheet of questions about the ingredients for head lice treatments. Gillian stepped into the aisle; there was no need to run or draw attention to herself. Opposite the pharmacy were the doors to the car park but Benjamin could never have opened them on his own. She looked left, looked right, at knee-level; the height of a boy who’s almost two, tuning her eyes to spot any flash of red that might be his sweatshirt, then shut them, overwhelmed. Red was everywhere: sale signs, fast-food litter, artificial flowers. She pressed her fingers to her forehead and went back into the shop. ‘He’s gone …’
* * *
This was supposed to be the ‘first day of the rest of his life’ as magazines put it but there was no euphoria, more a queasy feeling, like vertigo. Although the worn steps to the staff entrance of Meresbourne police headquarters were only fifty yards away, the walk seemed an impossible distance. Detective Inspector Roger Bailley wondered whether any of the people walking past to start their normal Monday mornings had spotted him: he’d been skulking in his car since quarter past eight. He realised he was gripping the steering wheel, his painted fingernails glaring against the black leather.
He studied his reflection in the rear-view mirror. He’d have to resist touching anything; getting his face and hair as he wanted them had taken ages this morning. The last two weeks at home had been a succession of steady steps to shed his maleness, experimenting with make-up, watching his reddened lips say ‘I’m Robyn now.’ After a week, he’d ditched the unforgiving crimson for a warm peach shade which went better with his newly-dyed hair and the words came more easily. Though only an inch longer than before, no one could miss the change of colour and style. There had been no other option: the wigs he’d tried had been hot and uncomfortable, with the added worry of it flying off when chasing a suspect.
Missing two haircuts, the most he could manage without comment, had been part of the months of planning before she could start the ‘real-life experience’. His doctor had refused to consider prescribing hormones or surgery before he’d demonstrated he could live as a woman, adding that this period helped to weed out those who were ‘just confused’. Before writing out the specialist referral, there had been an awkward session where he’d suggested Roger took up a hobby less solitary than photography and hinted it was time to start dating ‘real’ women.
In his own mind, he was so certain. He repeated, this time out loud: ‘I’m not Roger any more – I’m Robyn.’ He’d meant to tell the team, or at least Janice, before he started his leave. Then the superintendent suggested that a memo go out while he was away and it meant one less thing to worry about. The problem was that Superintendent Fell’s notes always avoided awkward subjects so Roger’s new appearance might still shock everyone. The only person that really mattered was Becky but he’d chickened out of telling her and sent a letter instead, hoping it would explain why her father felt the need to do something so shocking. She hadn’t responded yet, which didn’t feel like a good sign. Men: always rubbish communicators.
It would be good for everything to be out in the open. For the last few months he’d felt sneaky, dodging questions about his holiday, shopping for new clothes over the internet and leaving six large bags containing all his male things outside a charity shop in the middle of the night.
The car radio babbled. Quarter to nine on North Kent FM: hope your Monday’s started well because it’s going to be another hot one. After the news, we have an exclusive interview with Meresbourne Town’s new manager and we’ll ask him his plans for the Dockers …
Now, when Roger got out, he’d be Robyn and he wouldn’t have to hide anymore. He turned off the radio, made a final check of his make-up and got out of the car, nerves under temporary control. As he twisted, the waistband of the trousers pinched, while spare material bagged at the hips. At the top of the steps, he reached for his security pass. It had been the first thing he’d packed into the new handbag, which meant it was now right at the bottom.
He cradled the handbag, conscious for the first time of a CCTV camera staring at him from above the door, prompting an urge to escape. He could still turn back, say everything had been a misunderstanding, get in his car, drive away. The door clicked open, pushed from the inside. Now or never.
2
Robyn scurried through the door into the dim lobby of the police station. The desk sergeant was playing with his mobile, top two shirt buttons undone, no tie. Robyn opened her mouth then decided she couldn’t face a confrontation over the dress-code at this precise moment.
‘Good morning.’ The voice was too squeaky because she hadn’t practised enough. Talking to herself at home had made her feel crazy.
‘Morning, sir.’
The usual response. Robyn kept moving. She was determined not to stop, not to let others’ reactions bother her. She knew he didn’t mean anything bad, reasoning that if it had taken her over forty years to have the confidence to declare herself a woman, she had to allow everyone else time. She concentrated on walking because the tape between her legs was pushing them apart making her feel like a gunslinger entering a saloon. The new shoes, bought over the internet in a size nine-and-a-half, claimed to be for women but didn’t look much different to her old ones. She was grateful she hadn’t risked heels.
Along the corridor, the notices on the staff board had new ones pinned over them. The same bulb was out near the lift where a knot of people waited, a woman in a black suit standing apart, tapping into a BlackBerry. Chatter about a local girl’s chances on Superstar Seeker stopped, leaving a sudden absence of conversation. The thought of standing and waiting in silence wasn’t appealing so she kept o
n moving towards the stairs. Robyn was past the group when she heard the HR Business Partner.
‘Ah, DI Bailley, welcome back. Good break?’
Robyn opened her mouth but the woman hadn’t finished. ‘Relaxing, I hope? We’re all glad to have you back.’ One civilian worker was gazing at Robyn and another, with equal intensity, at the floor. Robyn stopped, wondering what to do with her hands as the speech went on. ‘It’s always good to take holiday early in the summer I think, don’t you?’ The woman flicked her highlighted hair behind one ear. ‘You get a good break and things aren’t so crowded. I’m going away soon myself …’
The lift arrived and people shuffled forward. The tall woman answered an unspoken question by holding the doors open with her briefcase.
‘Well, good to catch up, DI Bailley. If you need anything, do let me know.’
The doors closed. There had been lots of meetings with HR in the last few months and presumably there would have to be more. Robyn made a note to keep arranging them for late in the day when she could have a stiff drink afterwards.
As she trudged up the stairs to the second floor, Robyn wondered what conversations were now taking place. The tape around her groin rubbed every time she raised her foot but being back in the bland, familiar building was soothing. She took a deep breath on the last landing, clinging to the belief that everything would be fine. The team’s morale was strong, she’d spent two years building it up, which was why she hadn’t taken up the superintendent’s offer of a transfer to a new station. But it didn’t say much for her opinion of them, when she hadn’t even told them what she was going to do face-to-face. Now it was actually happening, there seemed to be lots of things she could have handled better. Robyn stood outside the CID office, gripping the handle, still hesitating. She’d come this far …
In the office, Detective Constable Ravi Sharma was sorting through piles of statements. Talking to his back seemed cowardly so Robyn dropped her handbag onto a desk with a thump. Ravi spun round, eyes widening with shock, narrowing with scrutiny, before finally crinkling with welcome.
‘You made me jump. Ma’am. Good break?’
Robyn paused before replying. Ravi was blinking a lot.
‘Yes thanks, Ravi. Good to be back. How are you?’
‘Fine. Thanks. Ma’am.’
Robyn sat down, wondering which short person had been sitting in her chair and reached under the seat to adjust it. ‘Now which of these does the height – ah.’ When she sat back, Ravi was still standing, wearing the same fixed smile, making her wonder when he’d last taken a breath. ‘Janice has been keeping me up to date with texts. She said everything had been quiet, apart from the new burglary.’
‘Yes, ma’am, same as the last five, another pensioner but there’s a witness this time, a neighbour who was able to give a description. Lorraine’s following it up.’ Ravi’s chest swelled as he gulped air.
In the pause, a buzz of conversation in the corridor rose then fell.
‘And you got the result in the hit and run – good work.’
‘Thank you. Ma’am. The bloke pleading guilty meant they didn’t need what I’d put together but at least he went down.’ Ravi’s rigid grin had returned.
Robyn smiled back, willing him to relax. ‘Your work meant he’d no choice but to change his plea. Avoiding a trial is good news.’ Ravi’s hands unclenched. ‘A confession is best because getting someone to make a clean breast …’
Ravi twitched, sending half the statements sliding to the floor. As he scrambled to retrieve them, Robyn switched on her computer, reflecting if this was the reaction from Ravi, aged twenty-seven with a sociology degree, things were going to be at the lower end of her expectations.
There was a shriek of laughter as Detective Constable Lorraine Mount barged in, holding the door for Detective Sergeant Graham Catt, both laden with bags from the canteen. After the laugh died, no one said anything for a moment.
‘Right, let’s get started on these while they’re hot. Here you go, Raver.’ Graham handed Ravi a fried-egg sandwich, the yolk already seeping through the napkin. ‘And there’s your hot chocolate – careful you don’t fall asleep.’ There was a pantomime between him and Lorraine as they worked out which of the bacon rolls had brown sauce. ‘There’s yours, Guv.’ He reached into another bag. ‘And tea as well. One sugar, not much milk.’
Robyn reached for the cup, conscious of the tension in her shoulders. As her number two, of all the team, she’d worried most about how Graham would react and now he’d offered a neat way out of one problem. She’d always hated ‘Guv’ because it was how the previous DI had been addressed but anything was better than ‘ma’am’. ‘Thanks, Graham. Morning, Lorraine. It’s good to be back.’ And for the first time she believed it might be. The voice was OK – not too deep or high. ‘Anyone seen Janice this morning?’
‘Holiday today, Guv – her birthday.’ Ravi spoke through a mouthful of sandwich.
She’d forgotten. Unlike Janice, who always remembered everyone else’s special occasions. ‘Oh yes. Have we got her a card?’ Three blank faces. ‘OK, Ravi, pop out and get one today and we can all sign it. And some chocolates or something too.’
The team settled around Robyn’s desk as, for once, it was free of clutter. ‘Right, let’s get started. Lorraine, where are we with the burglaries?’
Lorraine stopped in mid-chew, nose powdered in flour, white against her dark skin. Normality was restored, until Robyn noticed Ravi staring at the lipstick mark on her cup.
The door opened. As it swung closed, the reek of Superintendent Fell’s sweat moved with the air. His presence in the incident room was unusual and there was an immediate hush, apart from furtive flicks as napkins removed grease.
‘Welcome back, Bailley.’ Fell’s gaze was fixed somewhere above Robyn’s face. ‘We have a missing child at Whitecourt Shopping Centre. Uniform are there but the local news has already picked up the story so I need a senior officer to take charge.’ He glanced down at a heavy watch. ‘Give updates to Tracey as I have meetings all morning.’
The door closed, leaving the room with a penetrating reminder of Fell’s presence. It focused the mind. Robyn’s worries over what she was wearing seemed less important now she was needed.
‘Right.’ Robyn stood up. ‘Graham and I will take this. Ravi, get the kid’s name and run background checks with Social Services. Let’s hope this is a false alarm but it never hurts to be prepared, especially if the press are already on it. Lorraine, keep working on the burglary.’
If there were stares in the corridors on the way out, she didn’t notice them. Her mind was checking off things to be done. As they walked outside, Graham tutted and pointed to where DC Janice Warrener was bending to lock a small van.
Janice met them at the bottom of the steps, her blouse buttoned into the wrong holes. ‘Morning, Robyn. When I heard the news on the radio about the missing boy I thought I’d better come in. Then my car wouldn’t start and I had to take Martin’s …’
Even though she appeared flustered, Robyn could feel a gentle gaze taking in details of her new appearance. She touched her own buttons. Janice looked puzzled before she glanced down and blushed.
Hoping she hadn’t upset her, Robyn smiled. ‘Thanks for thinking of us, Janice, and thanks for the updates while I was away. And Happy Birthday. Let’s hope the lad isn’t far away and you can be home before long. I’ve set Ravi getting background: can you let him know where everything is?’
Walking between cars, Robyn had a moment of panic when she touched her thigh: her car key was not in the pocket. Then the realisation. Nothing was in the trouser pocket because the woman’s suit she was wearing didn’t have any pockets. Everything she needed, keys, wallet, phone, was all in the black handbag swinging from her shoulder. Graham pulled out his own keys.
‘I’m driving, mind. Bloody women drivers.’
3
Robyn fidgeted in the car, aggravated by the peculiar pressures of her bra, which dug in just wh
ere the seatbelt crossed. She told herself again there was no way the breast prostheses could fall out, however fast Graham took corners. When he slowed to fight his way across lanes to the shopping centre’s slip road, Robyn acknowledged her uneasy feeling was caused by more than Graham’s driving. She couldn’t have picked a worse case to deal with on her first day … Anything involving young children disturbed everyone, but Roger Bailley had had the sort of quiet authority needed to deal with distressing subjects. Except he’d gone, replaced by a tallish attempt at a woman in a size sixteen blouse.
‘Guess who I met last week when you were on holiday?’ Graham paused.
Her irritation that he actually wanted her to guess was tempered with relief that any conversation was flowing at all. ‘I don’t know. Tell me.’
‘Kenny Prentiss. I ran into him in Willingdon nature reserve walking his new dog, a lovely little Norfolk terrier puppy. He asked how the team was getting on and the super’s memo had come out by then. He wished you luck with your, ah, new life.’
So Prentiss knew. It was the sort of personal detail Meresbourne’s ex DI had loved to play with. Still, as everyone at the station knew, once they’d told their friends and family their DI was changing sex, everyone in Meresbourne would soon know too.
Robyn tried to sound casual. ‘What’s Prentiss doing now?’
‘Enjoying retirement. Three more years and I’ll join him. Kenny’s got it sussed – he’s a member of lots of societies, keeps busy. He said we should all meet up for a drink, the old team.’
‘No.’ It was sharper than she’d meant.
Graham’s eyes were on her so Robyn kept her face forward until he turned back to the road. ‘Why not, Guv? We never go out for drinks any more …’
‘Not everyone appreciates a culture where you have to drink to be accepted. When I joined CID, I wanted to be a detective, not an alcoholic. The main reason I left Meresbourne and transferred to Bristol for fifteen years was to get away from working for Prentiss.’
