by Grady, D. R.
Driving home seemed almost surreal. Rachel had brought her clothes, and she’d been able to shower and sleep on a fairly regular schedule, but she was still tired. And she wanted to see Ben. Wanted to hold him.
But would he be home? She had no way of knowing if, in the three hours since they last spoke whether he’d been called up for an assignment. Living with the uncertainty of her job, and then his too had caused several mini meltdowns on her end.
She managed to contain the symptoms until she climbed into the shower, but still. Knowing she wasn’t handling her personal life very well at the moment rankled. Before all this, she dealt with her life and its various problems just fine.
Back then, she had only been Treeny, but now, being a couple, being only one half of Ben and Treeny seemed odd. She couldn’t seem to adjust. Why? She loved Ben. Couldn’t imagine living without him, so what was going on? Would life be simpler without him? Yes. But did she want that?
With no answers, she pulled into her parking space and shut off the engine. Propping her chin against the steering wheel, she stared at the swirling sunset.
How would this evening end? She knew she wanted to curl up and sleep. For days. Then maybe she would be better prepared for her newly mixed up life. How could she have gone from perfectly normal to meltdown-woman in five short days?
“Treeny?” Ben’s voice sounded and her gaze snapped from the spectacular setting sun to him.
With acute care she unsnapped her seat belt and opened the door. He reached in and tugged her out of the car. He hoisted her easily in his arms and she wrapped her arms around his neck and settled her head on his shoulder. His beloved masculine scent reached out to welcome her. She breathed deeply.
His arms tightened around her at the same time her family surrounded them. He set her on her feet and she hugged everyone. From Rachel to Will to all of their kids. Even Will’s mom was there, and Lainy, and KC, and Janine, and various other people she didn’t take the time to recognize.
While she enjoyed the hugs, she wanted to go to bed. And sleep.
Ben scooped her up again, and KC said, “Looks like she could use some sleep folks.”
“Bless her,” Treeny muttered against Ben’s neck and felt him smile. Pete’s tail whapped against their legs. She patted her dog and heard Rachel instruct one of the kids to put Pete in their house.
She heard Janine directing traffic and the two doctors accompanied them up the stairs. When Ben laid her on her bed, both women moved in. “Hello,” Treeny protested. “I’m a doctor. I don’t need an examination. Plus I’ve been thoroughly looked over by two of our senior docs.”
“Pipe down, love, this will only take a minute.” Janine’s voice was kind, but firm. Treeny closed her eyes, not caring. But she did open her hand and grope until she located skin. Opening her eyes, she saw she grasped Janine’s arm.
Searching, she found Ben and held out her hand to him. He settled on the edge of her bed, and offered his hand. She closed her eyes again and forgot the world as the embrace of sleep took over.
When she awoke sometime in the night, she felt strong, masculine arms around her. Ben’s scent wafted across her senses and she savored his close proximity, secure in the only arms that mattered. Snuggling closer she kissed his chest and returned to her romp with the Sandman.
The next morning, sunlight streaming over her eyes woke her. Blinking in the bright light, she felt warmth and smelled Ben. When she turned her head, she saw him. He offered her a lazy, masculine grin. She returned the gesture and leaned over to kiss him.
“Good morning.”
“Good morning, yourself,” she replied, and had to squeeze him. She’d missed him so much. Wanted him so much.
“I missed you. Treeny, you really scared me.” He looked so solemn, and she shrugged.
“This is a part of my job. It happens. Rarely, and some doctors are never exposed. Usually the emergency room doctors are more at risk than we family practitioners, but this is something I’m trained for.”
“I understand that, but I still don’t like the idea of you being in danger.”
Her stomach growled. “Can we take a rain check on this conversation, please?”
“Yeah, maybe we better feed you.”
“Sounds good. I don’t remember the last time I ate something that wasn’t processed.” She wrinkled her nose. “Let’s not eat anything processed today, okay?”
“Okay. I didn’t know you were a health nut, by the way.”
“What classifies a health nut?”
“Last time I cooked for you, I noticed you have lots of organic and whole grain stuff.”
“I feel better on organic things,” she answered and carried some clean clothes into the bathroom. “I’ll be out in a moment.”
Showering in her own bathroom was a treat. She didn’t linger, but hurried through her cleaning process. She’d rather spend the time with Ben. Who was cooking for her. What a man.
Treeny left the bathroom and smelled something wonderful. “What is that?” Treeny sniffed the air, smelling cinnamon and sugar. “Mmm.”
He grinned. “This is French toast and bacon. For you.” He slid a plate in front of her.
“How on earth did you accomplish something this wonderful smelling so quickly?”
“It’s a secret. Maybe if you try, you can work the answer out of me.” Ben wiggled his eyebrows at her. Something melted inside her. Then warmth spread from her heart to her limbs. He had no idea how delightful that prospect sounded.
She leaned down and kissed him before sliding into the chair across from his.
Smiling, she answered, “I’ll enjoy trying.” She raised the coffee mug to her lips and took a sip, maintaining eye contact with him.
“I like that in a woman.”
“Good. So what have you been up to since I’ve been... otherwise detained?”
Wrong thing to ask, apparently. His face went blank, all humor and joking disappeared as fast as a blink.
“I worried about you.” He forked up a chunk of French toast.
“Besides that? Surely you all didn’t hold a vigil.” She heard the exasperation in her voice.
He looked up and she started at the intensity in his eyes. “Of course we held a ‘vigil’. None of us had any idea if you’d contract some deadly disease and we would never see you again.”
“Ben, anyone can contract a deadly disease. Cancer, a deadly virus,” she waved a hand, “there are too many to list. But anyone can get them. They don’t distinguish who they target. You just feel sick and go to the doctor, and the doctor diagnoses you, hopefully.”
“You treat sick people every day. What are you putting yourself in contact with?”
“You’re placing yourself in contact with the exact same illnesses, because they’re everywhere. Maybe I’m receiving a concentrated dose, but I have an excellent immune system. I eat right, I exercise. I’m taking care of myself.” She didn’t understand where he was coming from. His job was so much more dangerous than hers, but he certainly didn’t focus on that.
“But you just said not all diseases are based on taking care of yourself. You could be subjected to anything that comes along. Your job is dangerous, Treeny.”
She stared at him, completely at a loss for words. “My job is dangerous?”
“Yes!”
Treeny set her fork carefully on the table. “I’m a trained professional. And I don’t face down bullets, bombs, and terrorists, and goodness only knows what else, like you do. How is my job more dangerous than yours?”
“I’ve been specially trained to handle those dangerous situations. And I’ve got a team of equally trained professionals who have my back.”
Mouth agape, she stared at this man she didn’t know. Did he even hear what he was saying?
“I also have extensive training. And I also have an equally trained team at my back. But like me, you have no idea when disaster could strike. You can’t dodge every bullet that’s fired at you. You can’t avo
id every bomb.” Ire surged when he shook his head.
“We’re talking about totally different situations here.”
“How? We’re talking about both of us having dangerous jobs, except if you ask anyone on the street they’re not going to mention medicine being dangerous. I agree it could be potentially dangerous, but it’s nothing like being a Navy SEAL, or a fireman, or a police officer. Or just a military person in general. Those are dangerous careers. Medicine is not.”
But it was like talking to a wall. At least the wall didn’t cross his arms and stare her down with cold, dark eyes. Ben wasn’t going to budge on this subject. Of all the stupid things to have a fight about.
“My hours aren’t as bad as yours, either.” She crossed her own arms. She felt like a six year old with the ridiculous behavior they exhibited. He was being so unfair.
“You’ve been harping on my hours since we started dating.”
“I know. But have I ever asked you to give up your job?” She bristled a little, but she had gone on about his hours. Yet his hours weren’t the main problem, the danger of his job was.
“Of course not. But I knew that would make you happy.”
“What?” She stared at him, trying to figure out who this man was, because she didn’t recognize him.
“If I got a real job, with real hours, you’d be happier.”
“I am struggling with your hours, I admit it, but more so with the danger of your job. I hate the thought of you dying. But I don’t want you to be anything other than what you are. You’ve wanted to be a SEAL for as long as I’ve known you. I would never ask you to give up your job.”
His arms were still crossed and he watched her speculatively. As though he weighed her words on some justice and truth scale.
“You wouldn’t be happy doing anything else,” she said, not liking the silence.
“Probably not. I love what I do.”
His voice hadn’t risen at all, even though she knew he was agitated by their conversation. He kept control of himself, while she was flying off the handle. This man was going to make her insane.
Taking a deep breath before replying seemed like a good idea. “I know that. This is why I would never ask you to give up what you do. I have no intentions of giving up what I’m doing.”
“I’ve never asked you to give it up.” She thought he spoke through clenched teeth.
“Then what do you want?” Frustrated, tired of this conversation, she wanted it to end.
“I don’t know. But I don’t like how dangerous your job is.”
“Well I don’t like how dangerous yours is either. On top of that, you keep insane hours. But I’m supposed to deal with it.” She couldn’t see how this was going to work. Fighting with Ben was far different than kissing him and right now she didn’t know what to do with him.
“Yeah,” he said with finality. “I have asked a lot from you. Maybe I’ll just stop asking.” He slowly rose from his chair and her heart plummeted.
“What? What are you saying?” Not certain how they could work this out, but knowing if their relationship meant enough to them, they could. They both wanted this relationship, right?
He shook his head, and looked away. “We’re fooling ourselves, Treeny. This isn’t going to work. I can’t handle another five days like I’ve been through. And now I’ve had just a little taste of what I ask you to live with whenever I leave. I can’t do this.”
Ben watched her, and she saw the pain in his eyes, but she stood there, tears welling with no idea what to say. No idea what to even think. She blinked, trying to hold them at bay.
“You’re not even going to try and work this out? We can work it out,” she whispered. Believing her words, but not.
“Do you think so? Do you really think we can work our differences, our fears about the other out? Is that truly what you feel?” he pressed. The scrape of boots on stone erupted in her mind. Images of the nightmare blew past and she shuddered.
Her insecurities must have shown because he nodded. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. I’m sorry.” He left so silently she never heard the door open or shut, but she knew the moment he left. Because his vital, needful presence left with him.
The room felt as empty as her heart.
She shoved her plate away, and thought about all she’d been through in the last five days. A death scare, a patient she still hadn’t cured, and now she had broken up with the only man she ever wanted.
Her eyes burned because even though she wanted to, she couldn’t cry.
Chapter 32
“Ben, baby, what seems to be the problem. Come on, talk to papa,” Shively cajoled. Ben could tell he was serious, in a joking way.
Shaking his head, he tried to move past the SEAL. The office where many of them worked had begun to stifle him and he wanted out.
A firm hand on his arm stopped him. “Ben, I’m serious here. You’re like a panther with a sore paw. You come and go silently, and when you do talk, you growl at everyone. You’ve lost weight, and what you’ve lost, you gained in surliness. And Commander, none of us deserve your new attitude.” There was no joking in Shively’s tone now.
“Treeny and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.” The room dropped to utter silence.
He heard one of the guys swear, and felt like doing the same thing. He couldn’t move on until he moved past her, but he couldn’t seem to move beyond Treeny.
She lit up his life and world, but he had no idea how to resolve their differences.
“Why’d you do that?” Beaumont asked. Had any of the other men asked, he probably would have taken off their heads, but Beaumont ran deeper than even Welby.
“Too many differences.”
“Because you’re black?” Lanford’s forehead pleated. Like he didn’t understand.
“No, that never entered into it. My skin color is darker than the rest of my family’s, but it’s not something we even think about. Treeny doesn’t think about it, I’m sure. She doesn’t care.” He knew his declaration was true. Neither of them had ever given their racial differences a thought. It was a non-issue.
“Then what?” Shively sounded exasperated.
“Our jobs. Mine is dangerous and has difficult hours, and hers is dangerous and can have long hours.”
“She’s a doctor,” Shively pointed out and looked around the room at the rest of the men.
They all looked perplexed.
“Yeah, well, I spent five days waiting to hear if she’d contracted a deadly disease from one of her patients. She and the nurse helping her were quarantined until all the tests came back.” He shoved a hand through his hair. “I lived through that with Welby.” He didn’t add that the helplessness that welled then and the past few days had nearly undone him. Give him a terrorist, a shark, even an Uzi pointed at him and those were all things he could fight. But cancer cells and viruses were enemies he couldn’t begin to understand, much less have a clue how to defeat.
His men still wore confused expressions, and frustrated, he turned on his heel and left the room. He had to find something to keep his mind off his personal life.
So what if the guys didn’t understand? He did. He couldn’t handle Treeny in danger like that. If he couldn’t protect her...
“Ben, I think you need to reconsider this,” Beaumont said quietly behind him.
“Reconsider what?”
“Your relationship with Treeny. You’re miserable, and you’re making everyone else that way. What’s going to happen if your mind isn’t on your job? You could get yourself or one of us killed.”
“I can’t handle five days like I lived through waiting for her.” His jaw clenched tighter. The fact he couldn’t seem to relax those muscles probably caused the headache he’d dealt with the past few days.
“Like she has to live every time you leave?”
“She was working on it.”
“Yeah, she was. You are not. You’ve loved this woman for what ten, twelve years, and now you’re going to throw her a
way because you can’t deal with her job?” Beaumont’s tone carried enough disbelief to make Ben cringe.
“What if she dies?”
“What if she does? She could get hit by a car. Or struck by lightning. We don’t know if that’s going to happen tomorrow, but it is going to happen, Ben. Someday. Wouldn’t you rather have the time with her? For all you know she could outlive you. One of the boys might pop you off today, in fact.” Beaumont’s lips twisted with his wry statement.
He understood his friend’s humor but he didn’t know if he could do what Beaumont asked. He wanted Treeny, yes. But on his terms. That sounded so arrogant. Beaumont was right in that he didn’t know when either of them would die. And living without Treeny was harder than he had expected. Now that they had been a couple it seemed that was a one way pass. There was no transportation back to singlehood. There was no way back, so instead he stood in a lonely station at the edge of nowhere and he was still reluctant to board the train to coupledom.
Could he and Treeny work out their differences? His heart beat an unsteady rhythm.
***
“Dr. Deveau?” Another doctor, Melissa, waved her hand in order to snag Treeny’s attention.
“I’m sorry, Dr. Zeigler, what did you say?” Treeny looked at the patient they were supposed to be discussing and tried to refocus her attention on her work.
“I think she could have...” and Melissa launched into a diagnosis and treatment that made sense. Treeny had to concentrate not to tune her out. She had to concentrate to do her job. She had to concentrate to concentrate.
“Yes, I think you’re right. Let’s run some tests, and see. Miss Johnson, I’m sure, would like to feel better,” she answered, smiling at the woman. Who offered a wan smile in return. She was pale and weary, but not clutching her head like the patient that had sent Treeny and Vanessa into quarantine. At least they had been able to diagnose her with viral meningitis. Ms. Livingston made a full recovery and was back to work and happy. Treeny wished she could relate.
