The Mother of Zuul: Humorous Fantasy (Epic Fallacy Book 4)

by Michael James Ploof

  “Switch to the lead hawk,” said Brannon, and the mist within the dome shifted as the Twisted Tower slowly came into view.

  “By the gods,” said one of the generals.

  Everyone stared at the image, awestruck, for there was the Twisted Tower. It rose impossibly high into the sky, nearly piercing the low-hanging clouds that had turned green by its magical glow.

  “Bring us in closer,” said Brannon, and through her telepathic link to the bird, Hawkeye commanded it to dive.

  The hawk zoomed in on the lone window, and standing there, staring right at the hawk and in turn everyone around the table, stood a strikingly beautiful woman with hair like burning green flames and two swirling horns like a ram.

  “Witch Hazel,” Murland breathed.

  Suddenly a streaking green ball erupted from the window, and Hawkeye gave a cry. The hawk banked right, but the spell followed it, and an explosion caused everyone to jump. Gibrig fell straight back out of his chair when the dome surged with green flames, and Hawkeye cried out in pain. The bestia dominus screamed and thrashed, and those white eyes welled with tears as they changed to deep green. Illindell shuddered and opened his own eyes as he severed the connection to Hawkeye’s mind.

  “She knows we’re coming,” said Brannon, who still stared at the swirling dome.

  “Of course she knows,” said Sir Eldrick. “I told you not to assume that you would catch her unawares.”

  “So much for the element of surprise,” said Wendel. “You blew it!”

  “I be sorry ‘bout what happened to yer hawk,” said Gibrig, watching with concern as Illindell guided a weak Hawkeye out of the room.

  “That Witch Hazel’s got some good magix,” said Willow, chewing on a mouthful of sardines.

  “She’s got the best magic,” said Murland with a sigh.

  “Yes, well, let’s see how good her magic is when she is introduced to wizard bane,” said Brannon.

  “How do you expect to get close enough to her to use it?” said Sir Eldrick.

  “If I know anything about the super powerful, it is one thing: they are extremely arrogant. She will come for us. We’ve dipped every harpoon, arrow, crossbow bolt, and cannon ball in wizard bane, and we have enough powder to reduce the Twisted Tower to rubble.”

  “Yes, but what happens if she doesn’t come after us?” said Sir Eldrick.

  “Yeah, say she sends an army of flying monkeys or something,” said Willow.

  “Flying monkeys?” said Brannon. “What are you smoking?”

  Willow shrugged. “I’ve seen stranger things.”

  “Look, all we have to do is hit her with one weapon that has been dipped in wizard bane. How hard can it be?”

  “That’s what she said,” Wendel said with a cackle.

  “If she defeated Hinckley,” said Murland, “it may be harder than you think. Say the wizard bane doesn’t even work. What’s plan B?”

  “The fleet will soon separate into ten groups,” said Brannon. “We will hit the island from every side and overwhelm her with force. Even with Zuul’s power, I doubt she can hold us all back for long.”

  “Many elves will die,” said Sir Eldrick.

  Brannon nodded gravely. “And many more will die if she is not stopped.”

  “You heard it here-here first folk-folks,” said Rye-Rye as Tuck hovered in for a close-up. “Tune-tune back in shortly to see if the Cham-Champs of the Dragon win-win against bad-bad Witch Hazel. Reporting for Fairy-Fairy Vision from somewhere north-north of Fallacetine, I’m Rye-Rye Oceancrest.”

  “Wait,” said Sir Eldrick. “Were you just live?”

  Brannon glared at the pixies with eyes as hard as diamonds.

  “Ugh, duh-duh!” said Rye-Rye. “Well, to tell you the truth-truth, there is a ten-second delay-lay, you know, in case someone says f—”

  “Show me the live feed!” said Brannon.

  Murland’s heart sank to his feet.

  Tuck pointed his crystal at the wall, tapped it in many different places, and suddenly Brannon appeared in the projected image. “The fleet will soon separate into ten group. We will hit the island from every side and overwhelm her with force. Even with Zuul’s power, I doubt she can hold us all back for long.”

  “Many elves will die.”

  “And many more will die if she is not stopped.”

  “You heard it here-here first folk-folks…”

  “What were you thinking?” Brannon screamed, and he lunged for the fairies.

  With an “EEK!” Rye-Rye and Tuck shot off toward the door.

  “Not so fast-fast,” said Dingleberry, suddenly appearing in front of them with her needle drawn.

  “I’ll tear your little wings off!” Brannon screamed, lunging after them.

  Sir Eldrick stopped the elf prince with a strong hand to his chest. “Wait.”

  “Those little bastards have been recording us live! Hazel knows our plans. What’s worse, she knows that we have wizard bane.”

  “I know, but we can use this to our advantage,” said Sir Eldrick.

  “We stage a fake strategy meeting,” said Murland as the realization struck him.

  “Exactly,” said Sir Eldrick.

  “I’m listening,” said Brannon, still eyeing the two quivering pixies.

  “We thought you knew-knew,” said Rye-Rye, and the other pixie shook his head vigorously.

  “Not another word from you two morons!” said Brannon.

  “Is that crystal recording?” Sir Eldrick asked.

  “No-No, we’re not live-live,” said Rye-Rye.

  “When do you go back on?”

  The pixie shrugged. “When something good happens.”

  “Perfect. We go live in ten minutes.”

  ***

  Zuul cried and thrashed as Hazel tried to get the spoonful of medicine into his mouth. She held it out far away and flew it in like a bird as she made the sound of an eagle. Zuul’s puffy red eyes opened and he calmed, enthralled as the spoonful of mush flew toward him.

  “And open…” said Hazel, bringing it in for a landing.

  Zuul scrunched up his face and thrashed, causing the precious medicine to smear across his cheek.

  “Milk!” Zuul screamed, hands clutching the air as he reached for her breasts.

  “Medicine first!”

  “Milk first!”

  “Zuuly, why are you being so difficult?” said Hazel. “You know that you can’t keep milk down right now.”

  “MILK!” he screamed and hit Witch Hazel with a spell that took her off her feet and slammed her into the wall.

  “Bad Zuul!”

  He blinked, and his bottom lip quivered.

  “Why do you want to make your mommy sad?” said Hazel. “I guess you just want me to go away and leave you all alone.”

  “Momma?” said Zuul, big red eyes blinking.

  “You want Momma Hazel to stay?”

  He nodded, pouting pathetically.

  “Do you promise to be a good little dark lord and take your medicine?”

  Again, he nodded.

  She smiled at him, which seemed to make him happy. “If I take my medicine, can I eat some wizard?”

  “Not yet, honey. Eating a wizard is what made you so sick. You almost died, you know.”

  He wasn’t happy to hear that, but he took his medicine without protest this time, and soon his eyelids became heavy. Hazel scooped him up and brought him over to the enchanted crib, laying him down gently. “There, there, Zuuly, you get some sleep. Mommy’s got company coming, and she needs to prepare.”

  She changed out of her soiled clothes covered in medicine and mush and put on a tight leather outfit with a matching cape. After pouring herself some wine, she turned on her crystal projector and plopped into her favorite batwing chair. On the projection being beamed onto the wall, Brannon Woodheart was speaking with his generals, and it seemed that they had changed their plans. Intrigued, Hazel turned up the volume.

  “I don’t want to hear any
more about it!” said Brannon. “I have made up my mind.”

  “But Sire,” said one of the generals. “We can’t turn back now.”

  “What’s this?” said Hazel, sitting up in her chair.

  “It was all a lie,” said Brannon. “We don’t have any wizard bane.”

  “What? You lied to the council of domini?”

  “And to my friends,” said Brannon. “But I had to. None of you would have joined me if I hadn’t. But now I have seen the folly of my ways. We cannot defeat Witch Hazel, no one can. We have to retreat.”

  “No…” said Hazel, squeezing the stem of her tall glass so hard that it shattered in her hand.

  “Let me get Murland, or Sir Eldrick. Surely they can talk some sense into you,” said the general.

  “No, it is too late. They will not speak with me right now. But it is for their own good. Get the aqua domini started in turning this ship around and giving us a wave that will speed us back to Halala.”

  “Son of a bitch!” Hazel screamed and rose to her feet, her rage causing her horns to burn with jade flame.

  “You heard-heard it here first-first folks,” said Rye-Rye Oceancrest as she came into frame. “In a startling change of events, the prince-prince of Halala has decided to turn back the fleet. I guess-guess that the world will have to wait-wait to see the great and powerful Witch-Witch Hazel.”

  “Like hell they will,” said Hazel, and she grabbed her broom and flew out the window, heading east.

  ***

  “There she goes,” said Murland as he and the others hovered in the air near the tower.

  They were all invisible thanks to the potion that Gram had given him, but Murland could feel the weight of them on the rope that hung from his harness and Packy. The backpack hovered in the air easily, even though it supported the combined weight of Murland, Gibrig, Sir Eldrick, Akitla, and Willow. To Murland’s relief, Gibrig’s shield seemed to indeed become lighter when Gibrig was in possession of it, but he had still needed to use a spell he found in the back of the book of Kazam, one that made the backpack and its wings twice the size as before.

  “You know,” said Willow between chews of some snack or another, “we really could have used this size-doubling magix in the mole men’s hill.”

  “Let’s try to focus on the quest at hand,” came the voice of Sir Eldrick. “You ready, Murland?”

  “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

  “Then here goes nothing,” said Sir Eldrick, and Murland heard the twang of a crossbow.

  The glowing blue bolt appeared suddenly in front of them and soared through the air. It hit the first of the spell shields surrounding the Twisted Tower with a shower of sparks and fizzled out.

  “One spell down,” said Sir Eldrick, and he fired another.

  Seven bolts later, the last of the wards protecting the Twisted Tower disappeared.

  “Hold on!” said Murland, and he steered Packy into a slow dive that brought them to the small island.

  They landed before the large door of the Twisted Tower, and everyone staggered to keep their feet, blind to their own bodies as they were. It was all quite disorienting.

  “How long is this supposed to last?” said Sir Eldrick.

  “As much as we took?” said Murland. “It should wear off in less than an hour. Come on, if we’re really doing this, then we’ve got to hurry.”

  “We’re with you, Murland!” said Gibrig, and Murland could just imagine his teary-eyed smile.

  “There is a ward on the door,” said Murland. “I can feel it.”

  “Hold on,” said Sir Eldrick. The sound of a bolt being loaded echoed across the stony, barren island, followed by a click. Suddenly, the bolt hit the door with a boom, and the spell protecting it died away with a fizzle.

  “Alright, let’s go,” said Murland. “But be careful. Just because we can’t see each other, doesn’t mean that there aren’t creatures who can see us.”

  “Now you lost me,” said Willow.

  “He means pretend like ye be visible, just in case ye be,” said Gibrig.

  “Ohhh,” said Willow before she took a bite of something.

  “Willow, can you stop eating for ten minutes?” said Murland. “We are about to face Zuul!”

  “Jeeze, get the sand out of your panties,” she said. “It’s just a snack.”

  “How do you know that the wards won’t come back?” said Akitla.

  “I don’t,” said Murland. “But we still have enough wizard bane to deal with them if they do.”

  He led them through the smoking door, which led to an impossibly long and winding set of stairs. Luckily, there was an elevator at the center, and he extended his magical senses as he approached, looking out for traps.

  “It feels clear. Come on, into the elevator.”

  It proved to be a tight fit, and with no one being able to see one another, there was a lot of pushing and shoving and stepped-on toes.

  “Ye mind gettin’ yer boob out o’ me face?” said Gibrig in a muffled voice.

  “Oh, sorry, I thought maybe Murland was getting fresh,” said Willow.

  Gibrig and Akitla chuckled.

  “Murland, your tail,” said Sir Eldrick, sounding to be spitting hair out of his mouth.

  “Sorry.”

  Murland turned a lever all the way to the only floor, the top floor, and the elevator rumbled to life as slow, boring music began to play in a mesh box on the wall.

  “Not the kind o’ music ye’d be expectin’ from a dark lord and such,” said Gibrig.

  “Don’t let the music, or Zuul, fool you,” said Sir Eldrick. “Be on guard at all times.”

  When they reached the top of the lift, they waited with bated breath, but nothing attacked.

  “Sense any wards?” Sir Eldrick asked.

  “No,” said Murland, and he gulped. “But I sense great magic in this room.”

  He felt Sir Eldrick step past him, and suddenly the knight became visible once more. Murland looked down as his own hands slowly solidified.

  “The jig is up,” said Willow. “We are visible again.”

  “The jig?” said Akitla.

  “It’s like a ruse,” said Sir Eldrick, and Akitla scribbled something on a notepad.

  “Good riddance,” said Gibrig. “I didn’t like not bein’ able to be seein’ meself.”

  “Quiet, listen,” said Murland.

  They all stopped and listened, and the faintest of songs found their ears. It sounded to be a music box, but the tune was sour and haunting, as though it were composed of grinding bones and a dozen tortured souls moaning for release from their mortal coil.

  “Sounds like a lullaby for a baby dark lord if I ever heard one,” said Willow.

  “Zuul is nearby,” said Murland.

  “Are you ready?” said Sir Eldrick.

  Murland nodded and took a step into the dark room.

  Chapter 15

  Hell Hath No Fury like an Elf Prince Scorned

  “Witch! Twelve o’clock!” yelled an elf from the crow’s nest.

  Brannon peered through his looking glass and saw Witch Hazel a few miles off, riding what appeared to be a ball of writhing jade flame.

  “Hard starboard!” he yelled. “Bring the ships around!”

  The command was echoed by a hundred elven seamen, and the aqua domini weaved their magic, bringing waves up from the sea to help with the maneuver. A few minutes later, the fleet had spread out, and was surging forth toward the approaching witch.

  “Harpoons at the ready. On my mark!” said Brannon, his voice enhanced by a canetis dominus.

  He stood at the helm of his ship like a conquering king, bravely facing the coming danger. He knew that the pixies’ seeing crystal was focused on him, but he was not acting for the cameras. He was ready to face the witch, and he had no fear. His fear had died with Valkimir, and all that remained was a shattered soul bent on revenge. He had been glad when Sir Eldrick thought of the plan to trick Witch Hazel and go after Zuul, for it m
eant that he would have her all to himself.

  “Sire!” said one of the generals. “She is getting too close!”

  “Hold!” said Brannon, and he could hear the tension on the nearby bowstrings of the massive harpoons.

  Hazel drew closer, and still Brannon did not give the order. She sped across the surface of the ocean, kicking up glowing green seawater in her wake, and still Brannon did not give the order. It was not until she was within one hundred feet and his generals were biting their nails that he finally said the word.

  “Fire!”

  Half a dozen blue glowing harpoons erupted from every ship, and Brannon watched with glee as the hundreds of bolts streaked toward the witch. But suddenly, unexpectedly, she dropped and disappeared into the ocean. The projectiles followed her into the water.

  Everyone waited as the water settled. No one spoke.

  Slowly, the pixie holding the viewing crystal zoomed in on Brannon, and he tried not to look worried.

  “Archers and crossbows at the ready!” he bellowed, but even as his command was given, there was an explosion on a ship nearby. The ship cracked in half as a surge of glowing green water shot up through the middle like a geyser, followed by Hazel and her ball of jade fire.

  Crossbows twanged and arrows sped through the air, streaking blue with wizard bane. But none of the projectiles came close. Witch Hazel began to climb higher and spin as she went. She sailed through the air in a circle around the fleet so fast that she was a blur of streaking green that formed a solid ring around them. Soon the wind picked up and the ocean became violently choppy.