“I realized it was a lie,” he whispers, his eyes lifting to meet mine. “I’ve been through this before, and I didn’t think I could ever come close to feeling what I felt the day I found out Hayley had succumbed to her cancer. But I guess I was wrong.”
Reaching out, he touches my cheek, a deep breath leaving him like a sigh. Instinctively, I draw closer to him, desperate for his touch.
“I felt it all over again today. I hadn’t realized I’d moved on, made peace with Hayley for leaving me, until a few days ago. I’m an idiot for not seeing it sooner—for dragging my feet. But today when I thought you…when I thought your life was in danger, I had an epiphany…”
“What was it?” I finally ask, eager to hear what he’s got to say but also scared at what his next words could be.
He doesn’t look away. “That I’m in love with you.”
“You thought I was going to die, and then you realized you loved me?” I pull away abruptly, his hand falling onto his lap. “How do you know you weren’t just thinking of Hayley?” I add. Her name sounds foreign on my lips. Asking him this hurts me more than I thought it would, but I have to know. I love him, and it didn’t take long for me to realize that, but I cannot live in the shadow of his girlfriend. I can’t settle for less than what I deserve.
I refuse to.
“I know because there was not one damn moment when I wasn’t thinking about you. Goddammit, the last few weeks have been hell. Stopping myself from messaging you, calling you, finding you was fucking torture. And then hearing about you being at the hospital from someone else made me realize I never want to not be there for you.”
“Like you were for Hayley,” I say in a low whisper. It still feels like he’s trying to replace her.
“You don’t get it.” He gets up from the bed. “I was there for Hayley, yes, but I want to be here for you. Now. And before you say anything,” he says, stopping my protests, “when I heard about you this morning, it wasn’t Hayley I was thinking about as I ran to the parking lot. Or when the guys drove me to the hospital. Or when I ran up the stairs and straight into the room they told me you’d be in.
It was you. Walking into that room and finding it empty shattered me. I thought you’d lost your battle like Hayley had, and I felt that loss so profoundly that I didn’t think I could go through it all again.” He takes a seat again, framing my face in his hands.
“I want you to understand that I loved her, that some part of me still does, and probably always will.”
I close my eyes at his words, not wanting him to see how much they hurt.
“But I need you. I’m in love with you. I can’t see myself with anyone but you.”
As he says this, I open my eyes, and the tears I’ve been holding back begin to fall. He brushes them away gently with his fingers.
“I may be a little rusty at the whole boyfriend thing. I haven’t dated anyone since her; I’ve never wanted to,” he says with a nervous chuckle. I just listen to that sound, feeling the softness of his hands on my skin. “But I want to try. You make me want to try. You make me want to fight.”
“You really want to give this a try?” I ask, my voice vulnerable as I give him the choice I don’t really want him to make.
“I want this more than you think.” The words leave his mouth with absolute certainty. “Do you want to be with me?” he asks, moving so close to me, I feel like he’s going to finally kiss me.
I answer with the same assurance he had. “I’ve wanted to be with you for a long time now.”
“I’ve wanted to be with you too; it just took me a little longer to admit it to myself,” he says with a smile.
“Think we should give it a try?” I ask him once again. The logical part of me doesn’t want to believe this—that he wants to be with me, and I know it’s because I don’t want to get hurt again. Logic battles with my emotions, but it’s my heart that’s desperate to take control.
“If we don’t give it a try, I’m going to spend the rest of my life as a miserable asshole,” he says, and I laugh. His hands begin caressing my cheeks once again, bringing the comfort only he provides.
“We wouldn’t want to make you a miserable asshole now, would we? Doctors are supposed to be nice,” I joke, the weight lifting as my heart soars.
“Does that mean you’ll give this—us—a chance?”
“Only if you really want to.”
He doesn’t answer me with words. Instead his lips are on mine, connecting us in a way I’ve been craving for a while.
“God, why did we wait so long to do this?” he asks, putting words to my thoughts. His hands find my hair, and his tongue moves along with mine for the first time. It’s like a slow dance. And even though it’s all new, it feels like we’ve been doing it forever.
“Because you didn’t take initiative,” I respond between kisses.
“I’ll make sure I do that more often. We have a lot of catching up to do,” he answers, and I laugh. Then his lips are back on mine and the rest of the world fades away.
Someone clears their throat in the doorway. “You’ve had your turn. Can I see my roommate now?” I hear Emma say.
“Shit, I forgot you were in the car too!” Jesse says, turning toward the door where Emma stands.
“I figured you did,” she says, walking the rest of the way into the room.
“I’m sorry, I was—” Jesse starts but is interrupted.
“I saw what you were doing,” she teases. “Just in case you also forgot, Colton and Chase were in the car too. And now they’re both awkwardly sitting in the living room, being grilled by Zoe’s dad,” she says, then looks at me and smiles.
31
Saying Goodbye—Saying Hello
Jesse
Every heavy step I take brings me closer to Hayley’s grave, but I keep moving.
It’s time.
Finding my usual spot and getting comfortable next to her headstone, I once again engage in my ritual of replacing her flowers. Lilies. Bright and beautiful, just like her.
The ones here are a little more recent, which tells me someone else has come to visit her.
I’m not the only one.
She’s not alone. She was loved by many—still is.
I take a giant deep breath in and release it slowly, preparing myself for this conversation.
It’s time.
“Hi, Hayley,” I say cautiously to the girl who has controlled my every thought for years. “I know you can’t hear me, but as always, I’ll make a fool of myself by talking anyway.”
I pause for a moment. “I actually came here today because I’m following your advice—the advice I know you’d give me if you could actually talk.” I look up at the sky, which is surprisingly light and blue. There are no clouds in sight, and the sun is shining bright. It feels like Hayley is smiling down at me.
The weight I’ve been feeling seems to disappear then, and a peace takes over my body. This is right. This is what she wants me to do.
“Remember that girl, the one I kept talking to you about as a sort of side comment in our conversations? The one I vented to you about last time I was here? Well, I’m kind of, sort of…” I pause, trying to figure out how to say this.
“I’m... I think I’m in love with her. No, I don’t think—I know. She said I was trying to replace you with her. I’ll admit, at first I was pissed. Then I started to believe her words too. I loved you so much that I couldn’t imagine anyone else taking your spot. I didn’t want to give anyone else your place. And I haven’t. I won’t.
“You have your forever place in my heart, but Zoe… Zoe’s got her own now, too. I fell in love with her because of who she is. She makes me feel things I haven’t felt in a while. I mean, the moment I thought something was wrong with her, I rushed to get to her. I wondered whether she would live, whether cancer would take her life—take her away from me. I think that’s when I realized I was starting to move on. Without knowing it, I’d opened my heart up to someone else.
&nb
sp; “I hope you’re okay with that.” I look up once again, seeking confirmation. I spot a few birds take flight at the same time, and I laugh out loud.
Very cliché, Hayley.
“Anyway, I’ve been thinking about this for a while. And once I finally got Zoe to understand I fell in love with her for her, I knew I had to have this talk with you.” My hands go to my jeans, and I clean off the sweat I feel building.
“I knew you weren’t going to hate me for moving on. I knew you’d want me to. I just didn’t think I could do it. But with Zoe, I can. I know it’s a weird thing to say, but I think the two of you would’ve been great friends. I wish she could’ve met you when you still smiled.” I look away from Hayley’s grave and back at the girl who’s been standing on the gravel path waiting for me.
Her red hair is just below her chin now and moves with the wind. Her eyes fix on mine, and she gives me a reassuring smile. She gives me the strength I need.
“Better late than never, right?”
I motion for Zoe to join me, and she does. She takes measured steps, walking the path I’ve walked many times before—the path I’ll continue to walk every once in a while, because even though I’m moving on, moving on doesn’t mean forgetting people in the past. It means still caring about them but also allowing yourself to care about others, too.
And I care about Zoe so much.
I didn’t even see how this smart-mouthed sassy girl, who was fighting for her life, was fighting my battle too.
ZOE
I carefully walk to where my dark-haired, muscular, strong, gorgeous man sits on the ground, looking as small as ever.
I know this is probably not easy for him, but it’s something he wanted to do—something he needed to do.
Even from here, I can tell that getting this chance is doing him good. On the drive over, he looked tense. His jaw was locked, his eyes lost somewhere in the past—distant. He was worried, and I knew this was going to be difficult for him. He was finally letting go of a very important part of his life—a motivating part—and while I was jealous at first, I’ve since come to my senses. Jesse loved her. He loved her well, and the same disease that almost took me, took her.
Instead of cowering and giving in to helplessness, he’s dedicating his life to try and help. To try and find a cure. Because while cancer took Hayley away, it didn’t take me. And if it’s up to Jesse, in the future, it won’t take anyone else.
His eyes find mine once again as I near the grave, and what I see in them makes me release the breath I’ve been holding ever since we got here. He looks happy. Relieved. Content—ready to take on whatever else the world has got to throw at him.
He extends his hand to me, and I thread my fingers with his. An easygoing smile is on his lips, and I think it’s the happiest I’ve seen him.
“This should’ve happened a lot earlier,” he says, getting up.
“I think this is as a good a time as any,” I respond, placing my hand on his shoulder and signaling him to sit back down as I join him on the ground.
He looks at me like I’m the most amazing and precious thing he’s ever seen. Well, the joke’s on him because he’s been the best part of my year. He saw me at my worst and remained. He saw me cry, scream, yell, and suffer, but he stayed with me when he could’ve just as easily walked away. He was fighting his own battles, which I didn’t see. And when I got a glimpse, instead of fighting for him—fighting for us—I ran.
“Hayley, this is the girl I’ve been telling you about,” he states by way of introduction.
“Hi, Hayley, I’m Zoe. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“You know she can’t hear you, right?” Jesse says with a smirk.
“She may,” I respond, looking up at the sky. I hope she’s heard his every word, his every story, his every plea.
And I can tell by the look in his eyes that he hopes for the same.
Epilogue
Zoe
“My, my, my, what progress we’ve made since the last time we hung out here,” Kaitlyn mocks from her seat in front of the fire. We’re back at the House, celebrating the fact that the guys are going to the National Championship…again.
This celebration is a little different though. “Definitely. There’s not a rager happening just through those doors,” I say, pointing at the door to the kitchen. Inside the house, the rooms are empty. It’s quiet. The school opened up the ballroom and threw a party there to celebrate the team making it for the second time. A few of us skipped it.
Kaitlyn gives me a long look. “That’s not what I mean, and you know it. I mean, you cuddled up with future doctor over there,” she says, pointing at us. We’re sharing a chair, a blanket thrown over us to protect us from the cold night air.
“You missed out on prime real estate here,” Jesse jokes, pointing at himself.
“No, thanks.” Kaitlyn shakes her head.
“Pay up, Kaitlyn!” Mia jumps in.
“I know, I know,” Kaitlyn says, resigned.
“What do you owe her for?” Colton asks, eager to figure out what’s happening.
That makes two of us.
“I told her that by the end of the year, these two would be a thing!” Mia exclaims.
“You bet on us getting together?” I ask.
“Of course I did. I’ve never seen Jesse look happier than when he’s with you,” Mia says, and I swear I almost melt at her words.
“So, wait, you bet against us becoming a thing?” Jesse asks Kaitlyn.
“No, I thought you guys would get together a lot earlier. Thanks for being super fucking slow. You owe me a hundred bucks,” Kaitlyn deadpans. I wish this would’ve happened sooner too, but I think it happened when it needed to.
“So, how are we spending our hundred dollars, babe?” Colton asks Mia.
“We sounds like a lot of people,” she retorts. “I’m going for frozen yogurt with my girls.”
Everyone erupts into laughter.
“Wow, them over me, huh?” Colton asks, his hand going to his chest like he just took a bullet to the heart.
“When did you become so soft?” Mia teases, abandoning her seat and joining him in his.
“Only with you, babe. Only with you,” he replies, and I can tell he means it.
“Where’s Chase?” I ask, curious to know why the sixth person at our bonfire is missing. Although we haven’t done this in a couple of weeks, we’ve done it enough times that it’s become an unspoken tradition—beer, bonfire, and a star-lit sky with Mia, Colton, Kaitlyn, Chase, Jesse, me and sometimes, like today, Emma.
“He’s keeping an eye on things at the party,” Colton says as he covers Mia with a blanket.
“I bet he is.” Kaitlyn’s tone is bitter, but I think I’m the only one that hears her.
“You doing okay, Red?” Jesse whispers in my ear, pulling me closer.
“I’m perfect,” I say. I’ve been healthy, and I’m not afraid of getting sick again. It’s still possible, but I don’t think about it anymore. I have faith that I’m going to be okay, especially with this man by my side.
Colton and Mia stand up, their fingers intertwined. “We’re going to head out,” Mia says to the group.
“Seriously? The night is young!” Kaitlyn whines.
“I’m taking my girl out,” Colton says, kissing the back of her hand.
“You can come with if you want!” the ever-sweet Mia offers.
“I’m good,” Kaitlyn replies. “Hey, Emma?”
“Yeah?” Emma says, looking up from her e-reader. Yes, she brought it with her tonight.
“Let’s go celebrate the end of the year!” Kaitlyn exclaims, and I look at my roommate, waiting for her to turn down the invitation.
“I thought you weren’t partying anymore?” Emma asks, pushing her glasses a little higher up on her nose.
“I’ve made it a long time without partying. It’s the end of the year; let’s go have fun!” I watch the exchange take place, wondering if Kaitlyn has the power of persuasio
n I’ve lacked.
Emma points at me and Jesse. “Why don’t you go with them?”
“Pass,” I reply at the same time as Jesse says, “No, thanks.”
Kaitlyn rolls her eyes. “See, they’re lame too.”
“On that note, we’ll see you guys tomorrow,” Mia says, handing Colton the blanket. Together they walk back into the house, Colton’s arm winding around her waist.
“I don’t know,” Emma replies, and I’m surprised she’s even considering it.
“One night of fun never hurt anyone,” Kaitlyn insists. Emma looks at me and Jesse, and then back at Kaitlyn.
“Why not? I’ll consider it a social experiment,” my roommate says, shocking me.
Kaitlyn practically jumps out of her lawn chair. “Great! Let’s go!”
“Where are we going, exactly?” Emma asks, and I can tell she’s feeling ready to back out.
“We’ll just join the rest of the guys,” Kaitlyn answers.
“What am I getting myself into?” Emma asks rhetorically as Kaitlyn grabs her by the hand and pulls her to her feet.
“You’ll see! Now, let’s head over to my place and get ready.”
“I’ll see you later,” Emma says, turning to wave at us as she’s lead inside the house by a very determined Kaitlyn.
JESSE
Everyone leaves at once, and I’m left with the prettiest girl tucked between my arms. I’m a lucky man, and I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve it—to deserve her.
“I thought they’d never leave,” I tell her, holding her closer —feeling the heat of her body next to mine, loving the way her breathing matches my own. She repositions herself on the chair so that she’s facing me and looks at me with love in her eyes.
“Oh yeah?” she asks, her sass on full display. “What for?”
Damn, I love this girl. “So I can have you all to myself,” I reply with a grin.
She runs her fingers through my hair. “And now that you have me all to yourself, what are you going to do?”
Fighting For You (Bragan University Series Book 2) Page 18
