by Dianne Drake
Carrie laughed. “So, Palloton, you were the instigator and Jack the enabler?”
“Something like that,” Palloton replied, as the first patient stepped through the door. An older man, who handed Jack a knit cap.
“Beautiful work,” Jack said, showing the man back to his examining area. “I still have that sweater Rayne knit me all those years ago.”
“She keeps you in her heart, Jack. Even though you’re not here, she pays tribute to both of them when she can.”
“His wife and daughter,” Palloton explained, once Jack was gone. “Rayne was Evangeline’s teacher in school. Would have been Alice’s, too, if she’d...” He swallowed hard. Didn’t finish what he was saying.
“Jack was married?” she asked. Somehow, this shocked her, even after what Priscilla had hinted at.
“He didn’t tell you?” Palloton said, then immediately backed off.
“Not a word. But we don’t have the kind of relationship where he would.” Still, she wondered why he hadn’t mentioned it. Divorce was tragic, but nothing to be ashamed of. Had it been a bad marriage—the kind that, once you were out of it, you put it out of your mind? Had the end of it been her fault or his? And what about his daughter? Had his ex-wife taken her away? Was that why Jack was always so glum—because he didn’t get to see his little girl?
There were so many questions she wanted to know answers to but they were questions she had no right to ask. Especially since Jack had chosen not to tell her about this part of his life.
“Well, I suppose he’ll tell you all about it in good time,” Palloton said, turning his attention to the computer in front of him, obviously embarrassed that he’d given away something Jack didn’t want given away. “In the meantime,” he went on, still focusing on his computer screen, “are you a doctor, nurse or what? I need to know so I can record it in the charts.”
“Paramedic. All properly certified.”
“And you’ve moved to Marrell to...?” He glanced up at her then smiled. “Personal question, not legal. Just trying to make dull conversation after inserting my foot in my mouth.”
Carrie laughed. “I’m taking Jack’s rescue course at the hospital. Looking for some new direction in my life.”
“Well, I’m glad you were directed here, Carrie Kellem. Jack seems happier than he’s been in a while.”
“It’s the class,” she said, uncomfortable with the direction this conversation was going. “Not me.”
“Well, whatever it is, it’s good to have him back home, where he belongs.” This time Palloton turned his undivided attention to the computer screen, while Carrie went outside to find Bella.
“She doesn’t know,” Jack said, stepping up to Palloton. “At least, she didn’t until you told her.”
“Shouldn’t she have?”
“It’s not that kind of relationship.”
“I saw the way you were looking at her, Wiwa. All I can say is maybe it should be.”
“Not open for discussion,” Jack said.
“Is Charley open for discussion? Because he didn’t look too pleased to see you. Did he know you were coming?”
Jack shook his head. “And it wasn’t my intention to tell him. But he saw me coming in, so I suppose that cat is out of the bag, too.”
“Not good form, Jack. He has a right—”
“It’s got nothing to do with him,” Jack interrupted.
“He was Evangeline’s father and Alice’s grandfather, and he blamed you for their deaths. He suffers for it the way you do, which makes it everything to do with him.”
“And I didn’t blame myself? That’s all I’ve been doing for five years. So he can blame me all he wants. He’s welcome to do it. I deserve it.”
“Tell yourself whatever you want, but you’ve got to put all the pieces back together before you can move on. A little bit here and a little bit there won’t cut it. And Charley’s one of those pieces.”
“Who says I want to move on?” Jack questioned, trying to hold back the anger that wanted to flare in him. He wasn’t mad at Palloton, though. He was mad at himself. For so many things.
“You do, every time you look at Carrie. Whether she’s the one, I don’t know. But she’s the start of it, my friend. So, as they say, it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee.”
Maybe Palloton was right. But suddenly Jack didn’t have the same fondness for coffee he’d had only moments earlier. In fact, even the thought of it made his stomach churn.
* * *
From just down the hall, Carrie heard the conversation between Jack and Palloton. She hadn’t intended to, but when her name had come up, she’d stopped and listened. Not only had Jack been married, he’d had a daughter. She had no idea how they’d been killed but Jack blamed himself for it, which explained so much about his demeanor. Her heart went out to him. It was all connected to Saka’am somehow, and she knew it couldn’t be easy on him, coming back here. She was curious to know more, but it was Jack’s life and his memories. There were parts of herself she didn’t divulge, and she understood that in him. Better than most.
So, rather than staying around, hoping to hear more, she headed out and passed by Chief Charley, whom she now knew was Jack’s father-in-law. She smiled at him, but his response was a scowl. Which she understood, since she was connected to Jack and, thus, the chief’s sentiments toward Jack. But she felt sorry for the man. He’d lost so much—a daughter, a granddaughter, a son-in-law. Such deep sadness. Another thing she understood.
Bella hadn’t gone too far by the time Carrie caught up to her. Just a couple of short blocks. And as she hiked the main street to grab her dog, people smiled at her, gave her friendly waves. One woman greeted her with a basket of muffins. She could see why Jack had always been drawn to this place. Why he always returned. It was so sad now that Saka’am held bad memories.
Well, it wasn’t her concern, was it? Securing Bella and getting to work was, however. So, she tied the leash to her dog and headed back to the church, passing Chief Charley again on the way. Decked in baggy jeans and a white cotton shirt, he wore a cowboy hat with a feather sticking out of it. His typical long, black hair was streaked with gray and pulled back in a braid. And as for his dark, angry eyes... No, it wasn’t anger she saw there. It was sadness. The same sadness she caught glimpses of in Jack. In a life where she struggled so hard to get over her own sadness, she wondered if some sadness couldn’t be overcome. She’d always thought it could be, or hoped so, but now she wasn’t sure because, for some reason, she could feel the sadness in her. And it wasn’t her sadness she was feeling.
* * *
The stream of patients had been steady for the first three hours. Without a break. Mostly minor complaints...arthritis aches and pains, stomach problems, worries that didn’t amount to much. Each time he’d stepped outside his little area, he’d noted the children being escorted back to Carrie. Palloton had said she was good with them, that she had a natural way.
He’d also mentioned she was doing cursory physicals on each of them who came through, patching cuts and scratches, doing other medical procedures she was qualified to do. Jack was glad for that, glad she was taking the initiative because that was what all these little outlying communities needed—medical initiative. Someone to take control and fix the problems as they presented themselves. Not wait until someone showed up to take care of matters when it was convenient, the way it had always been.
He held out a lot of hope that Carrie would be that person as he cared so much for Saka’am he didn’t want to turn the medical care over to just anyone. Of course, that meant he wouldn’t see her too often. Which didn’t sit as well with him as he’d hoped it would. He liked seeing her. Liked catching the occasional glimpse. Especially liked working with her, having that contact. Liked being caught up in something different and fun and with so much potential, even if only for small snatches of time.
Stop it, he said to himself, snapping on gloves in preparation for his next patient—Winona White Horse. He suspected diabetes, and needed to take some blood samples. “What I like to tell my patients is that this isn’t going to hurt,” he said, as he pushed through the curtain to the makeshift exam, trying to drag a bit of courage with him. Winona had been Evangeline’s best friend. Her maid of honor at their wedding. She’d stepped in to help Priscilla, who had acted as midwife when Alice was born, and had held his hand through both funerals. “But it does,” he said, forcing a laugh, as the sad memories bombarded him.
“I’ve missed you,” she said, holding out her left arm for him, then watching as he tied the blue rubber tourniquet around it.
“Been busy.”
“When I heard you were moving to Marrell, I wondered if you would make it out here, or send us off to the reservation for medical care. I know it’s not easy for you, coming back. But I’m glad you have, because this is your home. Where you belong.”
He palpated for a vein, found it, then swabbed the area with an alcohol wipe, hoping the bead of nervous sweat forming on his forehead didn’t drop down and contaminate the area. “It goes with the job,” he said, deliberately holding back from the vein stick now that his hands were shaking. “That’s all.”
Winona laid her hand over his to stop the shaking. “Look, Jack. Nobody but the chief ever says anything about it. Nobody blames you. Things were different then. Different lives, different priorities. And you were in a tough spot...we were taking too much from you. We’d never had regular care before, and we were taking advantage of you. Expecting house calls all hours of the day or night. Asking you to drive out to places you shouldn’t have had to drive to in order to see a patient who could as easily have come in to you. We were greedy, and you were too good. It all contributed.”
He blew out a frustrated breath and backed away from the exam table. “I contributed,” he said quite simply. “Just me. I knew what the job would be like here, and I accepted that. Accepted the fact that some things would be neglected in order to see to others. And I blame myself for that. For...everything.”
“I know you do. Everybody knows. But why does everything have to come with blame? What happened was an accident...a horrible tragedy. Nobody, including you, meant it to happen. And after the initial shock of their deaths, nobody blamed you. But you were already gone by then, and probably didn’t even know that.”
“Palloton told me. But it didn’t matter.”
“You could have come back, you know.”
“To what? I didn’t have anything here. No wife, no daughter. Just memories I didn’t want to have.” He laid down the syringe with which he’d intended to stick her. “Look, I’m going to ask Carrie to draw your blood. You know what they say—doctors are the worst at it. Lucky for you, she’s not a doctor.”
“I wanted to ask you over for dinner. You’ve never seen my son, and since you and Palloton and my husband were such good friends, I thought it would be nice for everybody to get together. But Palloton said you’d probably refuse. So, will you...refuse?”
He blinked, then looked her straight in the eyes. “You know why I have to.”
“No, I don’t, Jack. We’re your friends. We have been for a long, long time.”
“Except we’re not all here anymore, are we?” he said bitterly.
Winona slid off the table but made no effort to leave the area. “We miss her, Jack. We all do. And Alice. But we miss you, too, because even though you’re not one of us, you’re part of us. Anyway, since I know how stubborn you can get, Palloton asked me to make arrangements for Howard Lone Bear and his family to feed you tonight. And Jane Yazzie has made up her parents’ house for you...they’re staying on the reservation right now until Ivy delivers. She’s having twins, in case you’re interested.”
“Thanks,” he said, sounding not wholeheartedly enthused. He’d known this would be hard, but he hadn’t counted on how hard it would be. In fact, now he wished he’d simply sent Carrie. “Tell William that if he doesn’t make it in today, I’ll look him up tomorrow.”
“He’d like that. You know, he kept that picture of the three of you, the one where you’re getting ready to go up the side of Bald Face. That was a good day, Jack. William still talks about it. He wishes the three of you could do it again. Do you still climb?”
“Not lately, but I’m going to...” He shook his head, squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his forehead. “My mother asked me to teach a mountain rescue course, and climbing goes with it.”
“That’s what you always wanted, isn’t it?”
He nodded.
“Well, I’m glad it’s working out for you. Tell Doc Dora for me that we’re all behind her in this. William doesn’t have time to take the course now, but I’ll bet he’d be interested in taking it eventually, if you offer it again, since he’s agreed to head up the volunteer firefighters here shortly. Talk to him and see what he thinks.”
“I will,” Jack said, wondering how he’d ever face someone so tied to his past on a day-to-day basis, if William did end up taking one of his courses. He was Evangeline’s cousin. They’d been raised together as brother and sister. Another one of those bits and pieces Palloton said he needed to resolve. “Whenever he wants to take it, it’s on me. No fee. Just let me know when he wants and I’ll put him on the roster. Now, let me go up front and tell Carrie what labs to draw on you.”
Winona stepped up to Jack, stood on her toes and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “I wish this was better for you Jack,” she said sympathetically. “We all do.”
He did, too. But the memories, the pain...
How could it not be difficult returning to the place where he’d killed his wife and daughter?
Chapter Five
THE DAY HAD turned out well. She’d seen all the children on her list, given vaccinations, done checkups, sent a couple of them in to see Jack when she’d suspected conditions that warranted medication—antibiotics for a bronchial infection and an inhaler for asthma. He’d concurred with her diagnoses, which made her feel good, as in her other position as a tactical paramedic her duty was to see and treat immediate concerns, react on the spot, patch them up, then send them along for someone else to diagnose.
Today she had diagnosed, and because she’d got it right, she was feeling pretty good about herself tonight. Jack hadn’t mentioned it, though, which disappointed her as she wanted to impress him. Wanted him to see what she could do. Why? She didn’t know. Didn’t want to think about the implications of what it might be other than an employee trying to impress her boss. That didn’t explain the letdown she was feeling, though. But the thought that he might be becoming more important to her than she’d realized did. And left her confused.
But he hadn’t said a word, so none of that mattered. Except the idea that her feelings for him could be changing. And that mattered a lot. “So, where are we staying?” she asked lazily, as she and Jack walked side by side down the main road of town, while Bella trailed after them, not particularly interested in anything going on around her since her belly was as full as Carrie’s and, like her owner, all she probably wanted to do was settle down somewhere for a good night’s sleep.
The lights in the store windows were dim now, and the village had all but gone to bed. Porch lights were blinking off, people who’d been milling around when they’d come down the street earlier had now gone inside.
It was so...peaceful. Peaceful like nothing she’d ever known before. And it made her feel good. Like all was right in her world, even if only for that one moment in time.
Instinctively, Carrie slipped her hand into Jack’s, not intending a romantic gesture as much as a friendly one. But as her skin slid across his, she felt the tingle pass through her. She wondered if he felt it, too. Wondered if he felt anything at all, ever. Because every time he got to a place where she thought she was going to catch a peek of something beyond what he put on for show, he drew back. Retreated. Doubled his efforts to be the Jack who kept his detachment on display. Like now. She was sure he was trying to find a way to let go of her hand without making a big deal of it.
Surprisingly, after several seconds, Jack didn’t pull away. In fact, he grasped her hand a little tighter than she’d expected. Pulled her a little closer into him than she’d anticipated. Yet didn’t speak. No, he simply walked alongside her until they reached their appointed lodging for the night, and before they walked up the wooden steps to go inside, he turned to face her.
“We can’t do this,” he said.
“What? Spend the night in the same house?”
“No. Get involved other than as teacher and student. I don’t do romance, Carrie. I can be your friend, and I’d like to be your friend, but that’s as far as I can go.” Finally, he did let go of her hand. “Everything else—it doesn’t work out for me. I’m no good at it.”
“Don’t you ever hope that someday you might find love or romance or even a commitment? Something that allows someone else in?”
“No. I don’t.”
“That’s a sad way to live, Jack.”
“But it’s my choice, because it’s the only way I can get through my day. It’s easier being alone. No complications. No one to hurt. No one to hurt you.”
“I know what it’s like to be alone. I’ve spent my entire life there, probably avoiding many of the same things you avoid. And, yes, I do tell people I don’t do friendship or even romance because the thought of that kind of commitment scares me. You had a family once...”
